View Poll Results: What should I do?
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Seeking advice for myself, 3 kids
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Southlake Texas
Posts: 10
Seeking advice for myself, 3 kids
Any advice would help. My alcoholic husband is headed for the "bottom" - he has been in treatment, aa, has a sponsor he likes, but continues to relapse - each relapse is worse. I now feel his hopelessness. My concern is our 3 children, 13, 10 and 7. They have seen and experienced things that no child ever should. I feel like an abusive parent keeping them in this situation, but am afraid to leave, for fear of pushing my husband further over the edge. I'm learning that only he can help himself. Is leaving the best thing or will that only make things worse for everyone? He has threatened suicide numerous times, I have found loaded guns near him. Are the kids better off with a dad who's drunk or dead?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 72
The thing that worries me most about your post, is the loaded guns. This is not something you need around your children. What if he should relapse really bad, not be himself and accidentally dislodge a bullet in you or your children. I know you probably think it could never happen to you, but this type of thing happens all the time, and I'm sure the victims think it could never happen to them. This situation is unsafe. Get out for you and your children's safety. Pray that God's will be done, and he doesn't take his own life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 156
Guns but no kids at my old house
I know now that if he is going to kill himself, I am not going to have anything to do with it. It will be his choice. I do have an obligation to keep myself safe. For me it was a matter of when enough was enough. I don't have children but I had to go for me. You gotta take care of you and your children. If that means moving out, then pack.
It is not easy, it was the hardest thing I ever did but the reward of having me back in a safe loving environment, taking care of me and getting some sanity back has been well worth it.
It is not easy, it was the hardest thing I ever did but the reward of having me back in a safe loving environment, taking care of me and getting some sanity back has been well worth it.
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
Okay, if you want to be perfectly logical about it, consider this: you are talking about four lives vs. one life. You can't sacrifice four for one. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one.
You have tried to help the "one". He has refused to be truly helped. Now it's time to cut him lose and save the other four.
You can't control what he does. You can't. If he's determined to kill himself or sink into a morass, he's an adult and he has the right to go down the drain if he wants to.
But the kids - they are not self-determined. They rely on their parents to protect them. There is no parent able to save them but you. You have a sacred duty to those kids. You made them. They have no one but you. They are children with no abilty to save themselves. It's all up to you to do what mothers have done since time began - protect your kids.
Your husband has made his choices as an adult. It's time to rise to the challenge that life has handed you and make your choices as an adult. The only choice before you is to save the kids. If you want to you can try to help him from afar, but the kids can't live their daily lives like this anymore and neither can you. Show those kids that you all are precious and valuable and deserve better.
You have tried to help the "one". He has refused to be truly helped. Now it's time to cut him lose and save the other four.
You can't control what he does. You can't. If he's determined to kill himself or sink into a morass, he's an adult and he has the right to go down the drain if he wants to.
But the kids - they are not self-determined. They rely on their parents to protect them. There is no parent able to save them but you. You have a sacred duty to those kids. You made them. They have no one but you. They are children with no abilty to save themselves. It's all up to you to do what mothers have done since time began - protect your kids.
Your husband has made his choices as an adult. It's time to rise to the challenge that life has handed you and make your choices as an adult. The only choice before you is to save the kids. If you want to you can try to help him from afar, but the kids can't live their daily lives like this anymore and neither can you. Show those kids that you all are precious and valuable and deserve better.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Him shooting himself is just one scenerio. If he shoots you who will protect your kids? What if shoots one of the kids? Have you ever heard of a good ending when alcohol and a loaded gun were involved? I think you have the ability to answer your own question. If your friend had three kids, a husband who drank and loaded guns in the house, what would you advice to her be?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
if you decide to stay, that's fine. but the children have no choice in the matter. if he has loaded guns around the house, this is probably neglect of a dependant child.
hon, i lived in such deplorable conditions with my xah, that the insane things he did, started to look like normal everyday life. my thought process became so distorted that i barely knew what was acceptable to me anymore.
forget about trying to help him....it can't be done. all you can do is try to help yourself and your children. he is the only one that can decide to save himself.
the man you used to know is gone.....the alcohol took him, and you cannot force him back to you.
first things first......safety.
you have found a wonderful place for sharing, reading, and posting....you will learn so much....and you will never be alone again in this....we are all here...and we have all lived in it, with it, or through it.....
love to you
jeri
hon, i lived in such deplorable conditions with my xah, that the insane things he did, started to look like normal everyday life. my thought process became so distorted that i barely knew what was acceptable to me anymore.
forget about trying to help him....it can't be done. all you can do is try to help yourself and your children. he is the only one that can decide to save himself.
the man you used to know is gone.....the alcohol took him, and you cannot force him back to you.
first things first......safety.
you have found a wonderful place for sharing, reading, and posting....you will learn so much....and you will never be alone again in this....we are all here...and we have all lived in it, with it, or through it.....
love to you
jeri
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Is leaving the best thing or will that only make things worse for everyone?
If what you are doing isn't getting you the results you want - try something new. Leaving does not have signal the end of the marriage. You can separate for a period of time... that does not have to be determined up front.
What do you want from life? What are your dreams? What do you want for the children? What makes you smile? What is your favorite color? song? movie? book? place to go?
How can you live your life to the fullest? ... to be the brightest, shiniest ... YOU.... that your HP put you here to be.
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Happy with me !
Posts: 680
The guns are not a good thing with an active alcoholic in the house. I just left a house like this one, you think nothing bad will happen, but you just never know. I only had me and my cats to protect.........you have your beautiful children. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
BigSis said it best; What good thing has come of staying so far?
You are not responsible for your alcoholic husband’s behavior no matter what he says or does.
The guns in the house are a serious danger to you and your children. The fact he made threats about taking his own life could lead to him being evaluated by a professional and the guns removed from the home, if you chose to phone the police about his threats
You are not responsible for your alcoholic husband’s behavior no matter what he says or does.
The guns in the house are a serious danger to you and your children. The fact he made threats about taking his own life could lead to him being evaluated by a professional and the guns removed from the home, if you chose to phone the police about his threats
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Southlake Texas
Posts: 10
thank you
Your words have given me much needed strength and determination to help handle my situation. I will continue to look to you all to help me find the courage I have been sorely lacking. I am grateful today for finding this website and wonderful resource for support. Thank you so very much.
Rinnie's Grandpa
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Pylesville Maryland
Posts: 1,273
KatyKate...
I agree with all of the above advice...
Alcohol and Guns are a deadly mix. Please do what ever is necessary to protect you and your children...
One thing I might add that if you do decide to leave him, don't tell him when he is drunk, around the weapons and with the kids in the house. Make sure you and the children are far away from him when you let him know what you have decided...
I pray you make the right choice...
Stay Strong and Positive...
One day at a time.
Steve
I agree with all of the above advice...
Alcohol and Guns are a deadly mix. Please do what ever is necessary to protect you and your children...
One thing I might add that if you do decide to leave him, don't tell him when he is drunk, around the weapons and with the kids in the house. Make sure you and the children are far away from him when you let him know what you have decided...
I pray you make the right choice...
Stay Strong and Positive...
One day at a time.
Steve
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
No one can tell you whether you should go or not. The fact is that you are here asking, but you already know the answer. It's just a matter of getting the courage to act upon what you already know...that's called fear.
Make a plan, and it will be less scarey.....I believe women's shelters would help you out in a situation like this. The bottom line is you are endangering your children's lives. Seek help TODAY, don't wait for something bad to happen.
Normally I would say, hello, hang out, read everything here, tell you that you are not alone......but this situation calls for immediate action. You don't have time to read everything about the choices to make, you need to act.
Make a plan, and it will be less scarey.....I believe women's shelters would help you out in a situation like this. The bottom line is you are endangering your children's lives. Seek help TODAY, don't wait for something bad to happen.
Normally I would say, hello, hang out, read everything here, tell you that you are not alone......but this situation calls for immediate action. You don't have time to read everything about the choices to make, you need to act.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
Originally Posted by HQ
No one can tell you whether you should go or not. The fact is that you are here asking, but you already know the answer. It's just a matter of getting the courage to act upon what you already know...that's called fear.
As for the guns....I think it's possible that you don't think too much of it. Maybe I'm making a generalization, but it seems they are even more common in Texas. My AH had several rifles and two loaded handguns in the house at all times. I guess I never worried too much because he liked to hunt and again, maybe it's just here, but having a pistol around wasn't too unusual. That being said, alcoholics and guns really don't mix. They have a psychological and physiological problem with a substance. They don't act or think like everyday people do, especially when they are under the influence. As much as you might know him, it does sound like a really bad combination, one that could end up with a terrible outcome. Take care...we know what you're going through.
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