Zoey

I like everyone just being themselves! Did I miss something?

Mr. Christian

Well that sounds about right.....

FormerDoormat

"I like everyone just being themselves!"

I like everyone just being themselves, too, even when they say things that make me uncomfortable or behave in a manner that I don't necessarily like. How can we ever be comfortable with ourselves if we spend our time worrying about what others think of us or our behavior? The heck with that!

Mr. Christian

If I was not myself, then who am I?
I give up.

embraced2000

fdm and mr c......LOLOLOLO

i like big crosses too.......and especially the ones that others say i shouldn't like. that makes them real purty!!!! and if the big crosses are broken....hey, that's even better, cause i like to try to repair them.

denny57

I've got a collection in the closet I don't drag around anymore. They're free for the taking. The crowns, too.

Thanks, Mr. C.

pmaslan

Denny I haven't read all the responses completely but I think I understand
what you are saying about crosstalk in alanon.
When I first went I had a hard time with it. I poured my heart out and
all I got were smiles and knowing nods and a hug. I learnt that the
true help I would recieve was from learning from others experiences
and their sharing. Particularly the steps and the traditions, applying them to
my life. I didn't want anyone to tell me "this is the way I would do it" or
questioning why I didn't. I needed to learn at my own pace and trust
that I was capable of doing for myself. I now understand and respect
the way the meetings I attend are run. As has been said here many
times by many people ALANON is not for everyone. Can you just
imagine how long a meeting would be if we crosstalked????? Yikes
I like message boards and the forums for interacting "crosstalk" if you
will. Not being face to face it is less invasive and you can always
log out. I agree with you that being confrontational and arguementive
serves no purpose of value. The healthier I become the less I tend to
engage in these situations be it on the boards or in real life. As
always JMHO. Thanks for the topic Denny.

LaTeeDa

First, if I want an Alanon meeting, I will go to one. One of the things I like about SR is that it's NOT Alanon.

Second, I can remember many occasions where a response to someone else in a thread was an AHA moment for me. Where one person pointed out something to another person and the lightbulb went on FOR ME. I think this is one of the main benefits of this forum and others like it. I don't condone personal attacks, but I do believe that it is okay to point out obvious unhealthy thinking. When I was in denial, it took quite a bit of pointing out from both my therapist and posters here before I finally started to "get it." And sometimes it made me really angry, too.

L

denny57

Either people are deliberately misunderstanding because they want to press home that this is NOT AL-ANON or I am a very poor communicator. I'll go with the second. I see no purpose whatsoever in someone taking another person to task in a public forum. I will cede to those who get some enlightenment out of others publicly calling someone down.

I stand by my original post. This isn't kindergarten, either, but the golden rule can apply.

Cynay

I think I understand what your saying Denny.

Its not about crosstalk, Al-anon, or Kindergarten....

Its about respect and not having to take someones inventory, making them feel horrible about themselves or situation to make a point that what they are thinking or doing is wrong and distructive?

I think your saying .... EXAMPLE: Denny your views on Christmas Trees is just denial, that in denying that history of Christmas Trees you are not only hurting your family but keeping them all in a unhealthy situation without good recovery.

OR.... Denny it has only been my experience that when I cant Accept that many people belive in Christmas Trees and I keep my family in denial as well our recovery time is longer.

Am I close?

It is not what is said its how you say it?

denny57

Yes, Cynay, that's part of it - respect, which I lived without for so long.

I also think it's ok for you to say I'm in denial over Christmas trees. I guess what I don't like - AND THIS IS JUST ME LOL!!! - is then someone else coming on and saying you know, Cynay, you have no right to tell Denny she's in denial over Christmas trees, lighten up. It's the public correcting of someone that gets me down.

This has been a good thread for me, that's for sure, because I've realized this is a real trigger for me. Good thing my therapy is tomorrow!

Much love.

embraced2000

i still don't understand cross talk....oh well.

but i do understand compassion. and i remember how fragile i was and still can be. and i remember feeling stupid, hated, and confused. still can be, at times. i can remember how it felt to be told what i should feel, or should be doing, or what i was causing. and i know i've been guilty of it, too.....depending upon what crisis mode i have chosen to let into my life on any particular day.

i hope i always remember how wounded i was when i first arrived on the recovery scene, and treat others with what i needed at that time. kindness, safety, understanding, non-judgmental acceptance, and non-horror at the chaos and insanity going on in my life.

love to all
jeri

denny57

OMG jeri, that's the truth: all the time I was being told what I "really" thought and what I "really" felt. I HATED IT!!!!!! I felt I was going mad. I just kept saying, stop telling me how I feel. Big surprise: I wasn't heard.

deax

Me too... I try to remember not to belittle people who are new and overwhelmed no matter what their story is, because it's not fair to them and your vantage point definitely changes over time here. I think it's a shame when people use their experience and strength to make other people who are less aware look like idiots. That's just a personal pet peeve of mine. But I think that's what denny is saying- if I think some long-timer is being obnoxious to somoene new, it's still not my place to tell someone else what they should or shouldn't say in a thread. That should be left between the threadstarter and the poster. Not always easy lol- but I think I get the drift now.

LaTeeDa

Okay, I think I get what you're saying. And, if so, then I agree. In the example above, I may actually get something helpful out of someone pointing out you're denial about Christmas trees. Especially if it hits home with me and I suddenly realize I am also in denial about Christmas trees. But, you are absolutely right that no one gets anything helpful from the correcting of someone else who is saying what they see. Especially if they are saying it in a respectful manner.

Thanks for clarifying.

L

Mr. Christian

Ok,
Now what does this have to do with cross dressing Christmas trees?

embraced2000

mr c.....behave!!!!.....LOL

ok, ok, OKKKAAAYYYYY..... since you cannot connect all the dots, i will do it for you, being the control freak that i am.....

now, to begin with, there was this christmas tree who thought it was an elm. so the pine tree said, hey, if you will wear this big ole cross, you might turn into a maple....certainly not an elm....but close.

and the poplar tree said, wait a minute.....your pine needles are a hurtin me....and the pine tree said......oh well, it sucks to be you.

now do you get it, mr. c???? geeeeezzzzzz....do i have to splain everything to ya????

wild.rice

I like poplar trees.

Ann

Mr. Christian

oh... I feel like such a SAP.

FormerDoormat

"it's still not my place to tell someone else what they should or shouldn't say in a thread"

BINGO!

And what one person might find obnoxious, another person may not. After all, a person's interpretation of another person's spoken or written word is subjective, no one knows the true intent of the person speaking except the person speaking.