I think I already told you
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I think I already told you
but G is in Jail....again. Breaking and entering this time. Stole some copper pipes from a vacant house.
I do accept his calls, but only b/c they are only $1.50 each time he calls, which really isn't too often. I tell him how the kids are...and I tell him ALL of it. Right down to my son crying b/c he misses his dad SOOOOO much.
I told him that he gave the people who lived around that vacant house, the same feeling of insecurity I had when my house was broken into. I asked him if he wanted the kids to grow up looking at him as a felon.
I make sure...and I am very adamant....to let him know that his actions ARE affecting these kids too.
I'm starting to hear the "I know I messed up, I don't want the kids to look at me like this, I need to get out of where I was, I'm thinking about moving when I get out, blah blah blah."
Funny thing is.......I want so bad to believe that he means it (and he probably does right now) but I know (or I fear) that when he gets out, he'll be right back where he was before he got arrested.
My future with him is over as far as our marriage goes. I cannot stay married to a felon. That goes against all of my morale. But I feel it's important that I at least maintain a friendship contact with him for the kids sake.
I know G wants to be a good dad. Or at least a dad his kids can be proud of....G's issues are G's issues but still it is sooooo sad to see him allow this disease to destroy his life. And regardless if he cares to hear this or not, I WILL tell him how these kids are being affected. That is the consequence of his actions.
I do accept his calls, but only b/c they are only $1.50 each time he calls, which really isn't too often. I tell him how the kids are...and I tell him ALL of it. Right down to my son crying b/c he misses his dad SOOOOO much.
I told him that he gave the people who lived around that vacant house, the same feeling of insecurity I had when my house was broken into. I asked him if he wanted the kids to grow up looking at him as a felon.
I make sure...and I am very adamant....to let him know that his actions ARE affecting these kids too.
I'm starting to hear the "I know I messed up, I don't want the kids to look at me like this, I need to get out of where I was, I'm thinking about moving when I get out, blah blah blah."
Funny thing is.......I want so bad to believe that he means it (and he probably does right now) but I know (or I fear) that when he gets out, he'll be right back where he was before he got arrested.
My future with him is over as far as our marriage goes. I cannot stay married to a felon. That goes against all of my morale. But I feel it's important that I at least maintain a friendship contact with him for the kids sake.
I know G wants to be a good dad. Or at least a dad his kids can be proud of....G's issues are G's issues but still it is sooooo sad to see him allow this disease to destroy his life. And regardless if he cares to hear this or not, I WILL tell him how these kids are being affected. That is the consequence of his actions.
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
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It's like they go deaf when we tell them that they are hurting us with their drinking.....
so like you did, told him that it is affecting the kids, I just had this same conversation with AH last night. He was so defiant about me explaining how I was tired of being treated, but when I got to the part about "alot of other people" are starting to make comments, thinking you have a problem.....then he was all ears. He even teared up when I told him what a few of our friends said about him. It's like everything I have said forever bounced right off of him, but when it comes from so-and-so....it's now the gospel. I am thinking that this is why interventions work. It isn't the spouse saying the same things over and over again, it's now his friends or other family members.
So, you know you are going to get blasted for taking his phone calls, right? I would let the kids answer it. Let AH suffer his consequenses (sp?).
so like you did, told him that it is affecting the kids, I just had this same conversation with AH last night. He was so defiant about me explaining how I was tired of being treated, but when I got to the part about "alot of other people" are starting to make comments, thinking you have a problem.....then he was all ears. He even teared up when I told him what a few of our friends said about him. It's like everything I have said forever bounced right off of him, but when it comes from so-and-so....it's now the gospel. I am thinking that this is why interventions work. It isn't the spouse saying the same things over and over again, it's now his friends or other family members.
So, you know you are going to get blasted for taking his phone calls, right? I would let the kids answer it. Let AH suffer his consequenses (sp?).
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
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I am so sorry that once again the kids are hurting and that would hurt me more just to have to watch it happen as a mother. Over the years he has but u & the kiddos threw the ringer.. All and all though u sound like u are in a good place. You are no longer sitting on the fence as far as the marriage goes and you are holding G accountably. Your recovery is showing Jessica!!! Take Care of u and those sweeties~~ Kerry
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Jess.
How is maintaining contact with him good for your children? I dont have kids, as you know, so perhaps Im out of the loop on this. But, I dont really see how your phone contact with him, has any positive affect on your children.
His words are once again, not matching his actions.
How is the divorce going?
How is maintaining contact with him good for your children? I dont have kids, as you know, so perhaps Im out of the loop on this. But, I dont really see how your phone contact with him, has any positive affect on your children.
His words are once again, not matching his actions.
How is the divorce going?
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Hi,Jess.great to hear from you....you sound good!
For what it's worth; I think I'd also keep accepting the few calls ,if only for the kids' sake,unless they became more disruptive than helpful. JMO Whatever you are doing sounds like it is working for you.
Wishing you and your family a very Merry Christmas!
For what it's worth; I think I'd also keep accepting the few calls ,if only for the kids' sake,unless they became more disruptive than helpful. JMO Whatever you are doing sounds like it is working for you.
Wishing you and your family a very Merry Christmas!
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From what I read in your post....it seems to me that you are accepting the calls so that you can verbally remind him of how he has hurt you, the kids, etc.
Even by accepting the calls "for the kid's sake", really, how does it benefit them? It's not like he can do anything from jail if something happens to the kids, they need him for something, etc.
You also said that you hope he means all the things he's saying right now - but you also say the marriage is over. I understand you want him to get well, but I also have to wonder if maybe your hoping is giving you a little too much hope.
We've all been there, I'd easily understand how his words and sounds of remorse give you hope.
You say the marriage is over though - have you done anything to get the marriage dissolved? Seen a lawyer, started the paperwork, etc?
We continuously hear how words without actions are meaningless from the A in our lives.
What I learned in my own journey is that my words without actions are also meaningless.
Even by accepting the calls "for the kid's sake", really, how does it benefit them? It's not like he can do anything from jail if something happens to the kids, they need him for something, etc.
You also said that you hope he means all the things he's saying right now - but you also say the marriage is over. I understand you want him to get well, but I also have to wonder if maybe your hoping is giving you a little too much hope.
We've all been there, I'd easily understand how his words and sounds of remorse give you hope.
You say the marriage is over though - have you done anything to get the marriage dissolved? Seen a lawyer, started the paperwork, etc?
We continuously hear how words without actions are meaningless from the A in our lives.
What I learned in my own journey is that my words without actions are also meaningless.
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Regardless of whatever.....I'm not going to be cold hearted and turn a deaf ear to him. That's not me..and I think most of you know me well enough to know unless I'm pissed off, I can't ignore anyone. I accept his calls b/c I want to. I have discussed this with my son's counsellor and she agrees that if I'm ok with it, then that's ok. She also said if my son wants to talk to his dad when he calls, that's ok too. I won't stand in the way of that unless I think his life, or his sisters, is in jeopardy...it is important to me that I at least give them a fair chance to have a relationship with their dad.
At least my kids don't think their dad has forgotten about them. I don't accept his calls just to tell him how much he's hurting the kids...I fill him in, ONLY when he asks. And I let him know what the kids are into, also. At least he's asking how they're doing now. And you know what??? I don't even mention my feelings. If he asks how I'm feeling, then I'll tell him.
My parents were divorced. My dad disappeared for a long time. I heard my mom say over and over again that "the least your dad can do is call you guys"....and it really bothered me that he didn't. I did feel like he didn't care about us/me. So, if calling is the least he does, at least it's better than nothing.
The divorce proceedings will begin once I get my income tax return. My attorney (who happens to be the husband of someone I work with) is having surgery on the 22nd....and I don't have the money to get it started right now.
and for the record.......I've learned not to fall hopelessly for the words that come out of G's mouth. I WILL believe it when I see it. Read what I said closely.......he probably believes what he's saying right now b/c he's sober and away from the environment where his addiction feeds, but (my fear) that he's not going to be strong enough to continue in the right direction and he'll be right back where he started. REGARDLESS of what happens, I still want the best for him. It does sadden me to see him slip deeper into his addiction....Don't worry, CoDe tendancies are not coming back.
At least my kids don't think their dad has forgotten about them. I don't accept his calls just to tell him how much he's hurting the kids...I fill him in, ONLY when he asks. And I let him know what the kids are into, also. At least he's asking how they're doing now. And you know what??? I don't even mention my feelings. If he asks how I'm feeling, then I'll tell him.
My parents were divorced. My dad disappeared for a long time. I heard my mom say over and over again that "the least your dad can do is call you guys"....and it really bothered me that he didn't. I did feel like he didn't care about us/me. So, if calling is the least he does, at least it's better than nothing.
The divorce proceedings will begin once I get my income tax return. My attorney (who happens to be the husband of someone I work with) is having surgery on the 22nd....and I don't have the money to get it started right now.
and for the record.......I've learned not to fall hopelessly for the words that come out of G's mouth. I WILL believe it when I see it. Read what I said closely.......he probably believes what he's saying right now b/c he's sober and away from the environment where his addiction feeds, but (my fear) that he's not going to be strong enough to continue in the right direction and he'll be right back where he started. REGARDLESS of what happens, I still want the best for him. It does sadden me to see him slip deeper into his addiction....Don't worry, CoDe tendancies are not coming back.
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g'mornin jessie
i did the same with xah about laying on the guilt and shaming him when he was a captive audience....now i look back, and see it all so clearly....i was so self-righteous when i would try to shock him into sobriety and cleaning up his life.....and sitting in jail or rehabs, well, of course he was like an eager beaver to agree to everything i said.....tears, apologies, promises, determinations, ammends....and it felt so good to see him humbled....even if i did have to beat him down emotionally just like he did me when he was loose and running rampant. and it felt reallllllll goooooood for me to see him finally hurt like i had been hurting....and i was safe doing it, cause he was locked up.....for then, anyway.
but ya know what????......nothing of what xah said during those times was geniune.....it was all part of his alcoholisms game of emotional chess. the words i spoke to him were unheard....his alcoholism had filters on his ears, and was listening for only key words that could feed his disease.....all the other words were fodder and background noise. that didn't make him evil......just very sick.
your husband knows, down deep, how his actions have affected others. his disease is just pretending otherwise. anything you say is unheard. once i accepted this idea, i quit scolding, shaming, blaming, embarrassing, ridiculing, (and many other undesirable character traits i had developed), and realized that, just as i would not scold a cancer patient for losing their hair after chemo, i will not scold the alcoholics symptoms of his disease.
that isn't always easy, and i don't always do it.....but the key word here is ACCEPTANCE that it just plain don't matter what i say to him. then, i had to deal with the guilt of what i had done to him with my words.
i had to do what i had to do, until it no longer worked for me. just like you, i was on the road to recovery with fresh new ways of thinking, but i would run it off right into the ditch right regular, just dippin my toe into the old pool of old ways of thinking.
you sound like you are doing great, jessie....i just wanted you to know i appreciate you.
dang, this is long.....coffee and ramblin.....ahhhhhhh....they go good together. and i just had a thought. it helps me, too, to see all this written down and all.
thanks for you post
jeri
i did the same with xah about laying on the guilt and shaming him when he was a captive audience....now i look back, and see it all so clearly....i was so self-righteous when i would try to shock him into sobriety and cleaning up his life.....and sitting in jail or rehabs, well, of course he was like an eager beaver to agree to everything i said.....tears, apologies, promises, determinations, ammends....and it felt so good to see him humbled....even if i did have to beat him down emotionally just like he did me when he was loose and running rampant. and it felt reallllllll goooooood for me to see him finally hurt like i had been hurting....and i was safe doing it, cause he was locked up.....for then, anyway.
but ya know what????......nothing of what xah said during those times was geniune.....it was all part of his alcoholisms game of emotional chess. the words i spoke to him were unheard....his alcoholism had filters on his ears, and was listening for only key words that could feed his disease.....all the other words were fodder and background noise. that didn't make him evil......just very sick.
your husband knows, down deep, how his actions have affected others. his disease is just pretending otherwise. anything you say is unheard. once i accepted this idea, i quit scolding, shaming, blaming, embarrassing, ridiculing, (and many other undesirable character traits i had developed), and realized that, just as i would not scold a cancer patient for losing their hair after chemo, i will not scold the alcoholics symptoms of his disease.
that isn't always easy, and i don't always do it.....but the key word here is ACCEPTANCE that it just plain don't matter what i say to him. then, i had to deal with the guilt of what i had done to him with my words.
i had to do what i had to do, until it no longer worked for me. just like you, i was on the road to recovery with fresh new ways of thinking, but i would run it off right into the ditch right regular, just dippin my toe into the old pool of old ways of thinking.
you sound like you are doing great, jessie....i just wanted you to know i appreciate you.
dang, this is long.....coffee and ramblin.....ahhhhhhh....they go good together. and i just had a thought. it helps me, too, to see all this written down and all.
thanks for you post
jeri
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Originally Posted by JessicaNAJ 
..and I tell him ALL of it. Right down to my son crying b/c he misses his dad SOOOOO much.
I told him that he gave the people who lived around that vacant house, the same feeling of insecurity I had when my house was broken into. I asked him if he wanted the kids to grow up looking at him as a felon.
I make sure...and I am very adamant....to let him know that his actions ARE affecting these kids too.
I told him that he gave the people who lived around that vacant house, the same feeling of insecurity I had when my house was broken into. I asked him if he wanted the kids to grow up looking at him as a felon.
I make sure...and I am very adamant....to let him know that his actions ARE affecting these kids too.
You've come a long way and it's been a privilege to watch you grow in confidence. Hope you and your kids have a fantastic holiday.
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Thanks for that post, jeri. Helped me out today with this topic I'm doing a lot of thinking about lately-- this whole explaining thing.
Jess I agree with everyone saying that talking to them is to no avail as far as making any real differences. Guilt trips don't work on them; I know if they did my ex would behave like a saint after all the guilt trips I laid on him. But I think you make a few fair points.
This is where I'm at too. My ex isn't calling now because he doesn't have my cell number and won't take TOO much advantage calling my house since I'm living with my mom now. But I also feel like I might be capable of taking his calls when they do start again and putting my boundary setting and detachment skills to use that way now. No contact has done wonders for me and I'm ready for the next level, I think. Even last time when I found out he was smoking crack-- it hurt like HELL and I'm still reeling a little, but it didn't cripple me. I know the truth about him now; I'm working on looking that truth right in the face and accepting it fully. I'm working on not explaining or expecting anything. And I'm working on figuring what I want next, as far as he's concerned. I think the important question to ask yourself is, do you not cut off all contact with him because that would be too hard to do, or is it because you just don't like that method and really don't feel it's necessary for your peace? If no contact is not for you and you feel you can work toward having contact in a healthy way, then I say more power to you. But as you already know, do keep an honest and critical eye on your motivations when you do speak to him.
Wow this struck a nerve with me. My mom did this too. My parents weren't divorced when I was a kid, but my dad did other stuff and she hated his family and would always do exactly this to me--put thoughts in my head FOR ME, about how I should feel, before I could even think of it myself. I was too young for a lot of years. Looking back now, I see that it was largely self-serving on her part, got me to feel the way she wanted to me to. I also see now that this has a very negative effect on me as an adult-- figuring out what I feel by myself, deciding if someone else's behavior is appropriate or not without asking other people-- all of that is still hard for me and I'm still learning to stand on my own 2 feet. So it's good, in my opinion, that you recognize the need for you to put your kids' needs before yourself and your drama with G. Help them to protect themselves, but not dictating their feelings is a wise thing.
Good luck with everything.
Jess I agree with everyone saying that talking to them is to no avail as far as making any real differences. Guilt trips don't work on them; I know if they did my ex would behave like a saint after all the guilt trips I laid on him. But I think you make a few fair points.
Originally Posted by JessicaNAJ
Regardless of whatever.....I'm not going to be cold hearted and turn a deaf ear to him. That's not me..and I think most of you know me well enough to know unless I'm pissed off, I can't ignore anyone. I accept his calls b/c I want to.
...it is important to me that I at least give them a fair chance to have a relationship with their dad.
My parents were divorced. My dad disappeared for a long time. I heard my mom say over and over again that "the least your dad can do is call you guys"....and it really bothered me that he didn't. I did feel like he didn't care about us/me. So, if calling is the least he does, at least it's better than nothing.
My parents were divorced. My dad disappeared for a long time. I heard my mom say over and over again that "the least your dad can do is call you guys"....and it really bothered me that he didn't. I did feel like he didn't care about us/me. So, if calling is the least he does, at least it's better than nothing.
Good luck with everything.
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Originally Posted by denny57
Do you think it will straighten him out, or are you just fed up?
Originally Posted by denny57
You've come a long way and it's been a privilege to watch you grow in confidence. Hope you and your kids have a fantastic holiday.
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Originally Posted by embraced2000
laying on the guilt and shaming him when he was a captive audience....
I don't tell him these things to "make" him feel guilty. I'm meerly answering his questions when he asks how the kids are.
Thank you Deax!! My kids have been through enough.
Last edited by JessicaNAJ; 12-18-2006 at 02:55 PM.
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You are right FD...but I still have this need to defend or clarify my words/actions. You know how much I don't like to be misunderstood lol.
Ok....that's this is an issue I still need to work on.
Ok....that's this is an issue I still need to work on.
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Originally Posted by FormerDoormat
"You know how much I don't like to be misunderstood"
I think that comes from years of not being heard. I'm listening and I think you're doing a great job of moving forward with your life.
I think that comes from years of not being heard. I'm listening and I think you're doing a great job of moving forward with your life.
I agree.....with all you said here,FD.
Keep on doing what you are doing, Jessica....sounds like it agrees with you!
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wow jessica, he really is going down the tubes now isn't he? guess once you take that fluffy pillow out from under his ass-his true "self" begins to show. -or would that be his alcoholic totally confused non-self? hope he isn't being so melodramatic with doing stupid things that send him to jail just to get your "attention". i wouldn't even accept his calls. he knows how he is affecting the kids. he just wants your extremely poignant insight to reinforce what a ******** he is. it helps him perpetuate his insanity. Let go and Let God and FAKE it that YOU AND THE KIDS ARE DOING WAY FINE WITHOUT HIM!!!! (well you probably are doing way fine without him) however, he is still sucking you into the game of victim/persecutor/rescuer and the only way you are really going to help him is to not participate in it. let him own his own actions without you being his sounding board-that is what the program teaches and it works if you Work it!!
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