What's a good response to blame?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
The one and only time my RAH tried to say that I was the reason he drank I went off like a truckload of fireworks on the 4th of july.
I think he actually jumped back about 6 feet.
I won't accept that. Period.
He drank before I was involved (I just didn't know it then) and he'll be an A long after I'm gone.
He still tries to blame me for everything else...his failures in life, his life in general, his feelings, his hurts...you name it.
I don't know how I respond.
I know it makes me angry. But I'm learning to walk away...just walk away.
I think he actually jumped back about 6 feet.
I won't accept that. Period.
He drank before I was involved (I just didn't know it then) and he'll be an A long after I'm gone.
He still tries to blame me for everything else...his failures in life, his life in general, his feelings, his hurts...you name it.
I don't know how I respond.
I know it makes me angry. But I'm learning to walk away...just walk away.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
Wow, what a good thread to be stickied. I see myself in so many of the responses, especially the "fishing" one by Rusty Zipper. I can so relate to that as I love to fish! I have a copy of a reading from Alateen's "One Day" daily reader (March 26th, I think) that talks about fishing, not taking the bait and whenever I am being baited, I read it, stand back and walk away. Took me a long time to get to that point but once I did it for the first time, I felt so much better.
This thread is still hanging by my computer, a little dog-eared from use but so very helpful......
This thread is still hanging by my computer, a little dog-eared from use but so very helpful......
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 132
Yes dear! that's my favorite.
But when he's not getting enough attention, and just trying to pull me in to whatever drama he's got going on, I just stick my head in a book, or my comp. and give him the "uh huh" ... and after a min. or two he'll walk away. But for those times when he's more persistent I make sure to really pay attention , so just in case he comes out with "are you listening?!" I just repeat word for word the last couple of sentences he just said. Then he gives up, because he knows I'm listening and it's not disrupting whatever activity I am doing.
That just sucks the fun right out of it for him!
But when he's not getting enough attention, and just trying to pull me in to whatever drama he's got going on, I just stick my head in a book, or my comp. and give him the "uh huh" ... and after a min. or two he'll walk away. But for those times when he's more persistent I make sure to really pay attention , so just in case he comes out with "are you listening?!" I just repeat word for word the last couple of sentences he just said. Then he gives up, because he knows I'm listening and it's not disrupting whatever activity I am doing.
That just sucks the fun right out of it for him!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
Great advise here. I personally find it hard to say nothing, but learning it may be the best thing. My AH is tricky, he usually builds up to being a jerk, so often times I am caught off guard not even realizing I was sucked in until it is too late.
Used to think "are you being a jerk because of issues with alcohol or are you just a jerk?" now I know it doesn't really matter why.
Used to think "are you being a jerk because of issues with alcohol or are you just a jerk?" now I know it doesn't really matter why.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Desert Southwest
Posts: 192
Well, my AH may be a drunk but he's not stupid. So, when he was reasonably sober I told him that I didn't like him when he was drunk and I didn't want to have conversations with him any more than he wanted me bitching at him for drinking.
So, when he starts up, I say something like, "You are drinking beer now, we'll talk later." Occasionally it ticks him off that I won't talk with him so he starts trying to pick a fight.
"Where's my coffee cup? You set up the coffee pot for tomorrow but the cups not here." I say, "It's in the dish water. It will be there when you wake up in the morning. Excuse me, I'm cleaning the oven (or whatever) right now." He usually leaves in a huff sometimes spewing a nasty comment. But, he knows I've quit talking to him."
When he wakes up from his nap, I doubt he ever remembers these incidents.
So, when he starts up, I say something like, "You are drinking beer now, we'll talk later." Occasionally it ticks him off that I won't talk with him so he starts trying to pick a fight.
"Where's my coffee cup? You set up the coffee pot for tomorrow but the cups not here." I say, "It's in the dish water. It will be there when you wake up in the morning. Excuse me, I'm cleaning the oven (or whatever) right now." He usually leaves in a huff sometimes spewing a nasty comment. But, he knows I've quit talking to him."
When he wakes up from his nap, I doubt he ever remembers these incidents.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
I love movies. And on occasion, the actually provide some quite useful dialog.
There is an American version of La Femme Nakita, titled "The Point of No Return", and stars Bridgette Fonda. Her character has a great line, that I wish I could use. However, it is perfect for you.
The character has no manners or social skills, and is sent to a specialist to teach her some. The lesson is how to avoid an uncomfortable situation. Much like you are describing.
The character is taught to smile, fluff her hair with a single carefree swipe and respond, "I never did worry about the little things". And then go about doing what she wants to do.
Give it a try. Heck, rent the movie. It's well worth the $1.99 at blockbuster.
There is an American version of La Femme Nakita, titled "The Point of No Return", and stars Bridgette Fonda. Her character has a great line, that I wish I could use. However, it is perfect for you.
The character has no manners or social skills, and is sent to a specialist to teach her some. The lesson is how to avoid an uncomfortable situation. Much like you are describing.
The character is taught to smile, fluff her hair with a single carefree swipe and respond, "I never did worry about the little things". And then go about doing what she wants to do.
Give it a try. Heck, rent the movie. It's well worth the $1.99 at blockbuster.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
I would say " i refuse to discuss this with you when you have been drinking" and walk away. he never remembered.
If sober he would rarely blame because he was too busy being charming , sweet and sexy but if he did i would calmly state "I refuse to be blamed for any one elses issues or problems including yours" It stopped him in his tracks every time.
When I stopped engaging, argueing, helping, fixing, resolving, peacemaking blah blah blah...there was nothing left. I came to SR and a year later I ended the cycle forever.
If sober he would rarely blame because he was too busy being charming , sweet and sexy but if he did i would calmly state "I refuse to be blamed for any one elses issues or problems including yours" It stopped him in his tracks every time.
When I stopped engaging, argueing, helping, fixing, resolving, peacemaking blah blah blah...there was nothing left. I came to SR and a year later I ended the cycle forever.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 198
Originally Posted by best 
You are giving respect by not engaging in the arguement.
When we try doing things for others...we are saying... I don't think you can handle it, so I will do it for you. That is disrespectful.
When we say... It is your issue, you handle it... We are saying... I respect you enough that I am letting "You" deal with "Your" issues.
Respect gained will have others esteem us or admire us. Respect given is ...
To avoid violation of or interference with, as the dictionary says.
When we try doing things for others...we are saying... I don't think you can handle it, so I will do it for you. That is disrespectful.
When we say... It is your issue, you handle it... We are saying... I respect you enough that I am letting "You" deal with "Your" issues.
Respect gained will have others esteem us or admire us. Respect given is ...
To avoid violation of or interference with, as the dictionary says.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 212
I usually start off with "yeah ok" and if that doesn't work I try "I'm not having this conversation with you while you are drinking." If that pisses him off or he starts following me around I say "You can talk to me until you are blue in the face, but I am not responding." Then I don't respond and he winds up sulking off into poor me land. Or he goes to his parents house and they have to deal with him...because they will respond. What works differs from day to day depending on his mood, but the outcome is the same: No feedback, no fight. I am getting better at it. lol
Present
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: "Happy Rock" (Gladstone) Oregon
Posts: 1,252
I remembered a post about buttons being pushed and how to handle it, so I went searching - and I found such good stuff that I'm going to put it up here!
The original post for which I was searching, I didn't find, but I will paraphrase:
Someone said, "He's so good at pushing my buttons!" and the response was,
"So move your buttons!!"
I have done a bit of editing out things that didn't apply to this topic but did apply specifically to the discussion in the other topics, while leaving the overall ideas that apply both here and there, intact.
The original post for which I was searching, I didn't find, but I will paraphrase:
Someone said, "He's so good at pushing my buttons!" and the response was,
"So move your buttons!!"
I have done a bit of editing out things that didn't apply to this topic but did apply specifically to the discussion in the other topics, while leaving the overall ideas that apply both here and there, intact.
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
...Are you familiar with the Karpman Drama Triangle? If not, google it. It's a very interesting summation of human relationships.
Anyway, what I've noticed lately is that my life is much more peaceful and drama-free than ever before. This is rather astonishing because there has always been drama, even without the A. Kids, work, whatever. But, it seems lately to have more or less evaporated. So, I found myself wondering why.
It seems that people like to push my buttons. Knowingly or unknowingly, people shovel blame for their unhappiness, dissatisfaction, frustration or whatever toward me. I used to catch it and immediately go on the defensive. Defending myself, explaining myself, trying to "prove" how whatever is going on is not my fault. (Persecutor and victim roles in the triangle) Lately, I've been able to let it go. I listen to others, but I don't take what they are telling me personally. I am able to assess my role (if any) in the situation, and offer a rational solution if one is appropriate. If I have no role, or there is no solution, I simply let it go in one ear and out the other, lol.
As a result, the drama never manifests. If the other person cannot handle the peace, they move on to someone else whose buttons are more easily activated. I swear it's like watching a movie. I see where they want me to go, and when I don't go there, they leave me alone and go looking for someone who will play the game. And it's not even conscious on their part. It's just more or less the "normal" way they interact with others. Quite fascinating, actually.
L
Anyway, what I've noticed lately is that my life is much more peaceful and drama-free than ever before. This is rather astonishing because there has always been drama, even without the A. Kids, work, whatever. But, it seems lately to have more or less evaporated. So, I found myself wondering why.
It seems that people like to push my buttons. Knowingly or unknowingly, people shovel blame for their unhappiness, dissatisfaction, frustration or whatever toward me. I used to catch it and immediately go on the defensive. Defending myself, explaining myself, trying to "prove" how whatever is going on is not my fault. (Persecutor and victim roles in the triangle) Lately, I've been able to let it go. I listen to others, but I don't take what they are telling me personally. I am able to assess my role (if any) in the situation, and offer a rational solution if one is appropriate. If I have no role, or there is no solution, I simply let it go in one ear and out the other, lol.
As a result, the drama never manifests. If the other person cannot handle the peace, they move on to someone else whose buttons are more easily activated. I swear it's like watching a movie. I see where they want me to go, and when I don't go there, they leave me alone and go looking for someone who will play the game. And it's not even conscious on their part. It's just more or less the "normal" way they interact with others. Quite fascinating, actually.
L
Originally Posted by laurie6781
...She knows which buttons to push on you...'move' those buttons and dismantle those buttons so she can no longer find them...
Love and hugs,
Love and hugs,
Originally Posted by kittykitty
Hey girl,
You're doing great. Unload it all on here, instead of on him. That's kind of what he is looking for, I think. He will try to push your buttons as often as possible. I've learned to move my buttons... it's hard, but I know you can do it too...Any way they can think of to hurt your feelings, prove that they are still doing what they want, with who they want. In their eyes it's simple. You doing what you are doing...is messin up his life. So his new aim in life will be to make you as miserable as possible...god forbid someone be in the vicinity of an alcoholic and be happier than they are. They don't take that too well. It takes the focus off them...Paste that smile on, remember what a beautiful day tomorrow is going to be, because it's one day closer to being where you want to be. Fake it til you make it, and eventually you won't have to fake it anymore.
You're doing great. Unload it all on here, instead of on him. That's kind of what he is looking for, I think. He will try to push your buttons as often as possible. I've learned to move my buttons... it's hard, but I know you can do it too...Any way they can think of to hurt your feelings, prove that they are still doing what they want, with who they want. In their eyes it's simple. You doing what you are doing...is messin up his life. So his new aim in life will be to make you as miserable as possible...god forbid someone be in the vicinity of an alcoholic and be happier than they are. They don't take that too well. It takes the focus off them...Paste that smile on, remember what a beautiful day tomorrow is going to be, because it's one day closer to being where you want to be. Fake it til you make it, and eventually you won't have to fake it anymore.
Originally Posted by lyn_blossom78
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...html#post69466
Oh! This is fun!
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#15 -- Took a walk in the park instead of letting others push your buttons. Move forward 5 spaces.
Lyn
Oh! This is fun!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
#15 -- Took a walk in the park instead of letting others push your buttons. Move forward 5 spaces.
Lyn
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
Twice, My husband said something with which I agreed, and it somehow turned into an argument anyway. I realized he was just itching for a fight sometimes.
After the second time, I stuck to "Oh," or "Hmmm," in a somewhat interested tone, but left it at that. I also did not talk to him. (I realize this is not an option for everyone, but we lived alone.) He was drunk almost all the time at the end, and never did notice that I'd stopped speaking unless spoken to, and that I didn't say anything of note then either.
It was freeing.
After the second time, I stuck to "Oh," or "Hmmm," in a somewhat interested tone, but left it at that. I also did not talk to him. (I realize this is not an option for everyone, but we lived alone.) He was drunk almost all the time at the end, and never did notice that I'd stopped speaking unless spoken to, and that I didn't say anything of note then either.
It was freeing.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Ireland
Posts: 13
I am so happy to have read this. The bit I am struggling with is that this is how my AH treats me, there is silence for weeks on end and then eventually he does something and my buttons pop one after the other, I get angry and he replies by saying not all of the problem is addiction based and ignores me. It is so frustrating and I feel so disappointed with myself afterwards and questioning myself. Any suggestions on how to deal with this?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: WI
Posts: 195
Yes focusonme: detach, detach, detach. I would see that as baiting you and attempting to push your buttons. There are many options (all the prior suggestions) including doing nothing. Your calm and reserve are excellent examples to him especially when he wants to be anything but this (based on the bait, pushing on buttons). It is important to be kind and gentle to yourself and do something to work off the anger/frustration. For me that would be taking a walk when I could or (as I was getting prepared to move out) using that as an opportunity to buy myself something I would need to put in my secret stash...talk about feeling good! Though I recommend you do your best that he never knows about the secret stash since mine now throws that one in my face (doesn't bother me much, though...I never forgot all the relief it brought me and still brings me 
I have refrained from telling him so at this point as he angers easily.
I have refrained from telling him so at this point as he angers easily.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 170
I live with this constantly. At first it really hurt and I'd try to defend myself but I learned there is no reasoning with an active A. If it's really bad, I try to walk away. I've also used the tactic of changing the subject which works because he's so drunk he doesn't remember for long and the other thing I've done is say you are probably right. Don't let it bring you down and don't argue because you'll never win and you'll do damage to yourself. I've also learned his "triggers" as to what starts rants (which is pretty much everything these days) so I avoid those too. It's no way to live and why I'm leaving. So sorry you are going through this.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 32
I really need to learn how to control my anger in these situations.
I was always trying to defend myself against completely irrational behaviour from the A that I'd wind myself up something rotten. How could she actually say or think these things!
I will learn.
I was always trying to defend myself against completely irrational behaviour from the A that I'd wind myself up something rotten. How could she actually say or think these things!
I will learn.
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