What's a good response to blame?

Old 11-10-2006, 02:59 PM
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I am begining to feel sorry for the A's They so like to win games. LOL

A lady went to her Priest crying, my husband called me a *****.

He said, "If he had called you a chair, would that have made you one"??

not boux, Hope all these replys helped. Thanks for a good question.

PS, I can't use that word, it starts with W not B!
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Old 11-10-2006, 03:13 PM
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I am not having this discussion anymore you have been drinking and nothing can be resolved when your drinking
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Old 12-01-2006, 10:41 PM
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This is a really good thread, and for now, it's gonna be "stickied". It has so many use's, I hope people get a chance to see it.
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Old 12-02-2006, 09:53 PM
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I do the "I'm not speaking to you or listening to you when you've been drinking" one too...

Oh and "Yes Dear"
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Old 12-03-2006, 02:10 AM
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even when they have not been drinking the thinking is still blurred and the blame game and irrational mentation persists.

once when told out daughter is the only reason she stays with me i replied with a happy face; "am i really that bad"? she answered "not really" she was expecting my response to be as nasty as her statement. it seems they like to get you going with anger.

another response i have tried with some luck is "alcohol is your enemy, not me" that can stop her in her tracks.

# looking for someone to blame, look in the mirror"



have a nice weekend
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Old 12-03-2006, 02:28 AM
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Originally Posted by steve11694 View Post
even when they have not been drinking the thinking is still blurred and the blame game and irrational mentation persists.
Exactly. And at that point, (or any really), what good is arguing? Even if you try to defend/explain something, it's not being "received" by the other side. So as someone mentioned above, very often the best response, is no response. The next choice would be a calm, rational response. Sure the other side gets angier, starts to create more chaos, or even outright lies, but you keep from being drawn into it. Thats the difference between responding and reacting.

And blame is just that, button pushing to create a reaction. We "A's" are well versed at that.
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Old 12-03-2006, 02:35 AM
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Something that took me ages to learn....we don't have to "react". Reacting to anger with more anger just fuels the fire and makes us a reflection of them and draws us into the unpleasant feeling. Taking a pause, thinking about what I want to say and then "responding" rather than reacting now reflects my ability to think before I speak.

I set a boundary for myself that the moment a conversation gets heated or becomes disrespectful...it is over, until everyone can cool down and try again if they wish to discuss something. I hang up (gently, not slamming) or walk out of the room or the house until I find peace. This usually leaves them yelling at the wind.

We don't have to participate in anyone's bad behaviour. We have choices. I have no idea why it took me ages and ages to learn that.

Hugs
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Old 12-03-2006, 02:46 AM
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It is so sad when adults won't take responsibility for their stuff. I have found when someone else blames me for their stuff that it is possible I am taking too much responsibility for them.

So, if someone is blaming me for their terrible life I can say let me take a few steps back so you can step up to the plate and get control of your life...I can also say Oh...then take a few steps back. It is only my fault if I let it be.
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Old 12-03-2006, 04:55 AM
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Originally Posted by splendra View Post
It is so sad when adults won't take responsibility for their stuff. I have found when someone else blames me for their stuff that it is possible I am taking too much responsibility for them.

So, if someone is blaming me for their terrible life I can say let me take a few steps back so you can step up to the plate and get control of your life...I can also say Oh...then take a few steps back. It is only my fault if I let it be.
Excellent.
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Old 12-03-2006, 08:38 PM
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WOW.

I love you guys.

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Old 12-07-2006, 07:13 AM
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Wow! I just love this sticky thread. All your responses are priceless gems!
Humor saves my sanity every time.
I recall some years ago when AS was quacking quacking quacking, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror over his quacking head.
The look on my face, you know that what the hell ????? look
sent me into laughter orbit...at me!
AS looked at me like I had really lost it and said Mom, you're crazy.
I replied I sure am, crazy with fun and laughter. He started laughing with me.

Not responding and humor at myself are my fave detachment tools.
They work!
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Old 12-10-2006, 04:31 AM
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I tend to get very angry when he baits me and I want to break that habit.
i remember the days of doing the fishing... cast out all kinds of lures, spinners, flys, plugs, jigs(the irish one too... would do the blame dance) and worms... now when someone does it to me... what works is saying... excuse me... i dont have to justify a damm thing to you... in a polite way of course... ha!... then i out'n'z...

xxoo, rz
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Old 12-10-2006, 09:04 AM
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When I was with my ex-AH he was a very mouthy obnoxious drunk and would love to stir up drama and arguments. I cannot count how many times he would take his wedding ring off and fling it across the room at me, go pout in the bedroom, refuse to eat, refuse to speak to me (a blessing in disguise but he didn't get that!) and basically act like a 2 year old. In the beginning, like any good codie I would try like heck to "fix" things, apologize whether it was warranted or not, make excuses for his behavior, rationalize my own behavior etc. It got really old really fast. In the end when he got like that I basically ignored him. I refused to engage in the dance. Oh that would make him mad and that gave me a little thrill. As long as he didn't turn the verbal abuse on my kids I got to where I could pretty much ignore him or just say "whatever".

In my own drinking, I was not confrontational and did not go looking for fights. I tried to isolate and obliterate existence. Even in sobriety I hate confrontation and will go out of my way to avoid it. Most confrontations were my mom's attempts to make me see the insanity of my addiction and the consequences of my actions/inactions. There wasn't a whole lot to be said in those other than "you're right" (because she was!).

I have a 20 year old son who is bi-polar and used to rage on a regular basis. With him confrontations were a regular occurance and I didn't necessarily act like an adult in these instances. He blamed me for anything and everything wrong in his life and of course I took offense to that and would jump into the game and the screaming matches were truly awful.

After getting sober he really used the whole "blame thing" and I fell for it hook line and sinker. I wanted to make up for the 3 1/2 years of drinking and readily took on blame for everything. He used that to his advantage and it created resentment in me.

Finally I learned how to detach, allow him to own his feelings, and the consequences of his actions without further inflaming him. I use the "you're probably right" sometimes. At times I state that I will not discuss the subject until he is calmer (he HATES this!). At times I say nothing. At times I say I'm sorry you feel that way. And I have just got up and left before. It just depends on the situation and what shape I am in that day.

Hugs,
Kellye
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Old 12-10-2006, 06:22 PM
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I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who posted in this thread! I am living with an active alcoholic, and some of these tips are really going to help me.
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Old 12-28-2006, 06:23 PM
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I do the "I'm sorry you feel that way" and if that doesn't work, I usually try to acknowledge his feelings "you sound angry." When he gets upset and says I don't understand, I remind him that he has a list(he's in and out of his program) and it's filled with folks who will understand. I then walk away.
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Old 12-31-2006, 08:27 PM
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I am finally past, for the most part, the guilt, but I have been divorced for over a year and separated for a year and a half and I am letting him deal with his problems and I feel so much better about me. His problem is his so I don't even listen to anything he says unless it is positive. If it isn't correct or isn't nice, I honestly tell him he is wrong, and I don't like his tone and I won't tolerate it. I then end any correspondence with, Have a good day. I am so glad to be a real human being again!
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Old 11-22-2009, 02:53 PM
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Red face

I'd say....... I'm sorry I am not living up to your expectations me......emphasize your expectations. Expectations are planned resentments. The Buddha said that a resentment is like you holding a hot coal in your hand waiting to throw it at somebody else. It is hurting them. I think blame is to deflect the shame they feel.
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Old 11-22-2009, 03:52 PM
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"You're drunk. I am not engaging you right now".

And then don't. You may have to repeat that line but stay calm when you are doing it.

I think it's important to connect the dots for them. You're drunk so I'm not going to discuss this right now.

It has worked very well for me recently.
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Old 11-23-2009, 02:09 AM
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Smile Blame therapy

" for each finger of blame you point, 9 fingers point back to you"


The above is from a dear AA friend in recovery and is used by AA.

Assuming you want to waste your energy by saying anything at all.



Optionally you could teach your dog to pee on him on cue in response to the blame game.
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Old 11-23-2009, 09:00 AM
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I slipped this weekend and went into anger mode with my now exABF - my HP must have been looking out for me because I found this thread-it's "stickied" just above my computer (printed out) and by the phone as a reminder to disengage, walk away and not react.
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