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lies. and lies. and lies.

Old 04-18-2011, 09:16 PM
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lies. and lies. and lies.

I am so tired of being a sucker to this behavior. So tired of who I have become. It is amazing to me that I have been reduced to someone who screams and cries and yells about my "partners" drinking.

I had been doing so well. Then she called. and then called. begged to talk. then she got hurt. and her uncle died. and everything fell apart. and for some reason, i believed that today, just for today, she wouldnt drink and that there would be some chance of a real life sober conversation. (the reason was bc she told me that) Instead, she drank a bottle of wine. and told me about it bc she didnt want to lie.

And yes, god, I am happy she told the truth. but ****, I hate how she thinks "i told the truth, i can still get what i want." I was really looking forward to seeing her not drinking and i got disappointed bc I had unreal expectations. But all she needed "was to see me". I said no, was so strong. and then, out of nowhere, she says she needs to go to the hospital. and I spring into action, like the coda that I am. and double park and run up the stairs, ready to take her outside and there she is, high as a kite, house reeking of perfume and weed, and she says "i just wanted to see you".

She is so manipulative. "i cannot breathe", "I cannot stand", etcetera...it is so awful to watch this all happening. to know that I am going to react in a way that is shameful. that I am going to yell and yell and be appalled that she is the way that she is.

I am just so frustrated by her games. the same games she's been playing since she was a small child, probably. So tired of how she operates and functions. How she lays the guilt on in these remarkable and sickening ways.

I am starting to hate her. like, seriously, I cannot stand her anymore but just havent cut her cord like i need to. I just need to make my life happen without her. because i am pretty certain, it is going to be so bright, without her.
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Old 04-18-2011, 10:39 PM
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Well, I think you already know the answers.

1) Go No Contact

2) Try at least 6 meetings of AlAnon

3) or get into therapy

She knows which buttons to push on you and the above will help you to 'move' those buttons and dismantle those buttons so she can no longer find them.

The above will also help you in many other ways including how to set some personal boundaries for you.

Also, please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,
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Old 04-19-2011, 07:04 AM
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My XABF did everything he knew how in order to try and keep me chained to his side.
Telling me he was dying, blaming everything on me, saying there was an emergency and he had to see me.
None of it was true. None of it.


You need to do what you need to do in order to get your own space, your own life, your own personal haven separate from the insanity. You deserve all of this.
I would agree with Laurie's list. Al-Anon, no contact, and therapy if you like.
You deserve to re-discover yourself.
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Old 04-19-2011, 07:18 AM
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Hostages

Practicing alcoholics and drug addicts do not have normal emotional relationships with other human beings: THEY TAKE HOSTAGES.

After the age of majority, no one in this life is a victim, only a volunteer.

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Old 04-19-2011, 07:27 AM
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I can understand this. It got so terrible when my RAH was using alcohol, (and still, now, sober to some extent), That it became almost comical the way he thought I was buying his manipulative games.

I was onto it for a long time, before I had the strength to let him fall if he "couldnt stand", or to let him gasp if he "couldnt breathe"...but guess what? He ususally responded to me letting go in anger, and guess what else? He sure could stand and breathe when he was angry that I stopped dancing with his games.

It is actually quite loving to let go, and let them learn to walk and stand, and breathe.
It doesnt feel that way at first, but that grows.

If possible, no contact at this stage is a good idea. She is taking you down with her, or attempting to.

It was a very hard realization for me, and I had to come to it many times over...But, I cried and cried, when I realized that:

He was unaware and did not care, becaue he could NOT care, that I could go under with him.
That is when you have to decide for your self that you choose life, even if she does not. You are alive.
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Old 04-19-2011, 07:56 AM
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I hate how she thinks "i told the truth, i can still get what i want."
This is precisely what my AH thinks too... And when he lies and is caught he tells me it is bc if he tells the truth he is "restricted" and "not allowed any freedom" (freedom to say oh, buy a motorcycle without telling me when we have no money and things like that!)

It's insane. Alcoholics have the mental maturity of a toddler. My 3 yr old has better impulse control and can be reasoned with more than my AH (even when he is sober).
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Old 04-19-2011, 08:50 AM
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Originally Posted by Buffalo66 View Post
I was onto it for a long time, before I had the strength to let him fall if he "couldnt stand", or to let him gasp if he "couldnt breathe"...but guess what? He ususally responded to me letting go in anger, and guess what else? He sure could stand and breathe when he was angry that I stopped dancing with his games.
This is so true. I kicked my AH out and he is on a crazy bender right now, he keeps calling me in a sweet but pitiful voice, telling me he loves me and he just wants to sleep in his own house or that he is ready "to be the man I want him to be." As soon as I say I don't think that's a good idea, he goes all Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde on me and starts yelling, "FINE!" and raves about having to sleep in his car, etc. and hangs up. It is very manipulative and insincere. I feel strong that I haven't caved yet, but I am reading this forum pretty much hourly right now for inspiration to stick to my guns.
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Old 04-19-2011, 09:12 AM
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It is amazing how that sticky sweet pity inducing tone can switch on a dime as soon as we make a boundary.
Mine did this so often, he needed me, he was so lost, he couldnt make it.

I would say, OK, Im glad, then, I guess you are going to your moms, then?

All of a sudden, he was fine, and yelling obscenities.
And he was fine like that for years until enough people said, "no. I dont want to suffer in place of you, I dont want to absorb your hits. You can take your own hits, and then maybe you will be uncomfortable enough to change something."

And he did, but even in sobriety, he will still try to pull out these mechanisms of pity, etc, and he still gets angry if I dont play, but...

The way that I RESPOND is different....

"OK, seeya."

He kind of simmers right down. NO big drama play, because when he throws the ball it just drops at my feet.
He was so confused for a while, then he realized I am becoming one of those people in his life who wont play his games.
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Old 04-19-2011, 09:58 AM
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It is amazing how that sticky sweet pity inducing tone can switch on a dime as soon as we make a boundary.
Oh yes... I know this one well. And what would trip me up for years was how quickly he could go from sweet to upset and without missing a beat start spinning and convincing himself and me that I was the cause of why he was upset.

I'd get into these mind numbing, making me feel I was going crazy conversations/fights where I'd say "there was NO problem until I said x that you didn't like" and his response ALWAYS was/is one of the following:

a) it is not what you said, it's how you said it or when you said it
OR
b) things weren't fine/pleasant at all before when you thought they were-- I was just tolerating you. This one always hurt a lot bc it made me feel like nothing was ever real. When I felt love from him was it real or was it smoke and mirrors and if it was real, what kind of cruel person says later that it was just an act...
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Old 04-19-2011, 10:03 AM
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Originally Posted by Francismcan View Post
Practicing alcoholics and drug addicts do not have normal emotional relationships with other human beings: THEY TAKE HOSTAGES.

After the age of majority, no one in this life is a victim, only a volunteer.

I never knew that. I ought to read into that. Makes sense to me since I've been around addicted and non-addicted couples, including the ones that weren't married but living together
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Old 04-19-2011, 12:37 PM
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Don't know if you're a Violent Femmes fan or not, Searching, but your post reminded me of their song 'Lies'

he's mixing up the truth
with something funny I start to see
he's telling
lies lies lies

And, wow, I haven't listened to them in ages.... I may have to make that the ringtone for XAH on my phone....

Originally Posted by Searching81 View Post
I just need to make my life happen without her. because i am pretty certain, it is going to be so bright, without her.
Yes!! Looking back at my years with XAH, it's like looking through a really dirty window - all grey/brown and gritty. It's a lot brighter out here away from him. I just have to remember to stop looking in that window.

It sounds like you know what you want to do. Are you ready to take the first step?
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Old 04-21-2011, 12:16 PM
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Hostage

When you are in an emotional relationship with a practicing alcoholic or addict, you are a hostage.

Soon the Stolkholm Syndrome begins to affect your emotions and thoughts and actions.

The Stockholm Syndrome
Signs and symptoms
As an FBI hostage negotiator and behavioral profiler, I taught others that this so-called syndrome or set of symptoms includes certain behaviors that may be exhibited during a significant personal challenge or stressful situation, including:

Positive feelings towards kidnapper/abuser
Victims have positive feelings towards the hostage taker, kidnapper, abuser or controller in his or her life.

Negative towards help
Victims have negative feelings towards the authorities, family members, or friends who try to rescue or otherwise win the victim’s release from their threatening and/or challenging situation. By this, any rescue attempt– be it from a volatile hostage situation or a volatile marriage– could be seen as a threat as it’s likely that the “victim” could be injured (physically or emotionally) during any attempt at “rescue.”

Supporting their reasoning
Victims support the hostage taker’s or the abuser’s behavior and reasoning, including assisting, helping, or refusing to acknowledge the negative impact of the individual’s behavior and actions.

Inability to escape
The victim is unable to behave or assist in a manner to help his/herself escape from a challenging or threatening situation

abusive relationship dynamics and the stockholm syndrome « in2uract

The only way out is to escape, stop sitting on their blisters for them.

They pay lip service to everything you say, but they will obey pain, and the PAIN will come from them sitting on their own blisters that they get from sitting on the burner.

VICTIM OR VOLUNTEER?

If you know this through your experience , then you are a volunteer.
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