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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Poway California
Posts: 4
New to this community
Hello,
I am new to this.
Here is my story.
I am currently a student, I am engaged to be married to a man in the military. He is an alcoholic. He has admitted it to me once or twice. He lives in VA, and I am in CA. He just got new orders there this last April, so living seperate is really hard. I have not yet attended Alanon, but intend to tomorrow. He said that he would stop drinking and told me that he did two months ago. Two nights ago he called me sounding funny and I asked are you drinking and he said no. I knew he was but I thought well don't fight while he's drunk you get no where. He called again but this time I changed my way of speaking to him and said, sorry for assuming you were drinking and thank you for being the honest loving man you are....he replied, I have not been honest and I have been drinking tonight. I got mad, said how can I trust him ever, he yelled well I guess you never will and then hung up. I tried to call him but he turned off his phone. The next morning he called me before I went to school and said that he still loved me and that he should not have drank. He never said sorry. So tonight he called late and sounded funny again. I asked if he had been drinking and he said yes.Here I thought all this time that I could believe him. I love this man. I have been with him for four years and yet I feel that he has no idea what I am going through. I wonder if I am a crazy person for hoping that he will get help......any words of wisdom? I don't know if I should marry a man who can't even keep his own head above water. But the hard part for me is that I honestly love him and have seen the sober side....am I just fibbing to myself or what?
In need of a helping voice.
I am new to this.
Here is my story.
I am currently a student, I am engaged to be married to a man in the military. He is an alcoholic. He has admitted it to me once or twice. He lives in VA, and I am in CA. He just got new orders there this last April, so living seperate is really hard. I have not yet attended Alanon, but intend to tomorrow. He said that he would stop drinking and told me that he did two months ago. Two nights ago he called me sounding funny and I asked are you drinking and he said no. I knew he was but I thought well don't fight while he's drunk you get no where. He called again but this time I changed my way of speaking to him and said, sorry for assuming you were drinking and thank you for being the honest loving man you are....he replied, I have not been honest and I have been drinking tonight. I got mad, said how can I trust him ever, he yelled well I guess you never will and then hung up. I tried to call him but he turned off his phone. The next morning he called me before I went to school and said that he still loved me and that he should not have drank. He never said sorry. So tonight he called late and sounded funny again. I asked if he had been drinking and he said yes.Here I thought all this time that I could believe him. I love this man. I have been with him for four years and yet I feel that he has no idea what I am going through. I wonder if I am a crazy person for hoping that he will get help......any words of wisdom? I don't know if I should marry a man who can't even keep his own head above water. But the hard part for me is that I honestly love him and have seen the sober side....am I just fibbing to myself or what?
In need of a helping voice.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
The military has a lot of people who feel the only thing to do is get liberty and get drunk. The miltary also has many who have found a sober way of living. The miltary has a great support system for anyone looking for help in stopping their drinking. It all comes down to him making choices and doing what he feels is the best thing to do. Lots of peer preasure around him to go out drinking. He would need look for other things to do...
Ok enough about him.
What you need to do... Yes meetings would be a good start...Al Anon.
You can't stop him from drinking. It needs be his choice.
You can strive to stop letting his choices dictate what you do though.
Know that there is support and answers for you and that you are not alone.
As people show up and read, they will reply with their experiences and support for you.
Ok enough about him.
What you need to do... Yes meetings would be a good start...Al Anon.
You can't stop him from drinking. It needs be his choice.
You can strive to stop letting his choices dictate what you do though.
Know that there is support and answers for you and that you are not alone.
As people show up and read, they will reply with their experiences and support for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Poway California
Posts: 4
Thank you so much for your time. Really. I know that it is he who makes the choices, but I am stuck on waiting for his phone calls and getting worried of where he is to what he is doing. He is also in the Navy...BMCS to be exact. He said to me that he would not be able to move up in rank if he admitted that he was a drunk. I think it's another excuse to drink. Pride is a problem too. He says that after 14 year in and 6 left, he needs his retirement and can't admit he is and Alcoholic. Thank you so much for replying.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Birthplace of Rock & Roll, Home of the Blues
Posts: 233
Welcome Birdlegs!
Pull up a chair and stay awhile! SR is always open.
It may be another excuse to drink, but in some commands what he's telling you is truth. You have ABSOLUTELY no control over what he is or isn't doing. You didn't cause it, can't contol it and can't cure it. Worrying about what he is doing seems to be a trust issue - meaning not feeling you can trust your S/O to make good choices.
The ONLY one you can change is you. Read about this disease, read the stickies at the top of the forum, attend an Alanon meeting, read "Codependant No More" , "Getting Them Sober". Knowledge helps to make informed choices on your part.
Pull up a chair and stay awhile! SR is always open.
It may be another excuse to drink, but in some commands what he's telling you is truth.
I am stuck on waiting for his phone calls and getting worried of where he is to what he is doing.
The ONLY one you can change is you. Read about this disease, read the stickies at the top of the forum, attend an Alanon meeting, read "Codependant No More" , "Getting Them Sober". Knowledge helps to make informed choices on your part.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Florida
Posts: 70
Hi birdlegs,Im kind of had the same situation as you as far as a long distance relationship. In the begining we only saw each other on the weekends and talked on the phone during the week I fooled my self to think she wasnt drinking then, Not until we moved in together I saw the full effect. My two cents here is that I know you love him but do not marry him like this as it will only get worse. As for the military to some degree is is right about not getting promoted But,that's true if he doesnt get help and it will even be worse if he gets a DUI or something like that. He will have to face the military and the civilain legel system. But,on the plus side there are things he and you can do for help in the service. They take care of there own, You might state with a chaplain and talk with him tell him your concerns and his. They are great for issue's like this and nothing will be said to his commander. You might be suprised his CO might already see him as having a problem. The military is different then it was 20 years ago when drinking was what you did on off time. Good luck and stay here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by birdlegs
HI don't know if I should marry a man who can't even keep his own head above water. But the hard part for me is that I honestly love him and have seen the sober side
Loving someone and marrying them is not the same thing. From what you say, he has not expressed an interest in getting help for his drinking. He makes promises to stop so he can keep you in his life. He is not sober, there are just times when he is not drinking.
Read the stickys, attend meetings and learn all you can about alcoholism. At your meetings, talk to people who have stayed in the marriages and talk to those who ended the relationships. Try to really listen to what people are saying and decide what sounds like the best life to you.
If you are considering marrying, decide for yourself if you can accept him as he is, right now, for the rest of your lives together. Because all you an know is what is, right now. There are no crystal balls.
When I married AH 15 years ago, I knew he drank, but knew nothing about alcoholism. I am closing in on the final days of my divorce. I know from my own experience that it is a progressive disease and I have no control over whether he chooses to get help.
You don't say how old you are, but it sounds like you have a whole life ahead of you. If you decide to marry someone who is alcoholic, it will be a tough life, but only you know what is best for you.
If you love this man, you do not have to leave him, but you don't have to marry him right now, either. Take your time, consider all your options.
What worked for me: Al-Anon, therapy, family doctor, friends, SR, open AA meetings and reading. Try Co-Dependent No More and Getting Them Sober. Under the Influence is also very good for an understanding of the physiological aspects of the disease.
Good luck.
Always hopeful...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 429
Welcome, Birdlegs. This is a great site and you will "soak" it all up. READ, read, read! The books mentioned are great, and educating yourself of alcoholism and co-dependency are the tools you need. I know I didn't understand or know about alcoholism. I just thought he drank often! 
and once we were together he wouldn't care to be out drinking all the time.
This is a good base to start, then you are better eqipped to "sort" it all out related to your circumstances. It is so hard when we love them to be objective sometimes, but you need to see the whole picture. Denny is so right, you can't see ahead what will come. But, with education and reading here you may have a clearer picture.....not all situations are the same at all! But, there are diverse stories here. Everyone is understanding and care about each other, AND are honest.
and once we were together he wouldn't care to be out drinking all the time.This is a good base to start, then you are better eqipped to "sort" it all out related to your circumstances. It is so hard when we love them to be objective sometimes, but you need to see the whole picture. Denny is so right, you can't see ahead what will come. But, with education and reading here you may have a clearer picture.....not all situations are the same at all! But, there are diverse stories here. Everyone is understanding and care about each other, AND are honest.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR..... we are glad you found us!
I dont have alot to add to what has been said. One thing I want you suggest because it was true for me. I have had many long distance relationships and the one thing I learned from it was... whatever the Bad Behavior is now when apart trippled when we finally got together.......
I look forward to getting to know you!
I dont have alot to add to what has been said. One thing I want you suggest because it was true for me. I have had many long distance relationships and the one thing I learned from it was... whatever the Bad Behavior is now when apart trippled when we finally got together.......
I look forward to getting to know you!
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
According to Blizzard's marriage counselor:
I did the same thing that Blizzard did--the same thing that you are considering now....If I knew then what I knew now, I would never consider entering a relationship with and especially marrying a man who I know is an alcoholic. It just leads to heartache.
Stick around the forum and read as much as you can about alcoholism. You will learn what I've come to realize:
An alcoholic's behavior and drinking always get worse before they get better--much, much worse. And it can take years (24 years in my AB's case) for them to reach their bottom and get the help they so desperately need. And in the meantime, you will live a life filled with chaos, frustration, disappointment, and lies. Does this sound like the future you've always dreamed of?
If you should decide to go ahead and marry this man, this is likely the future that's in store for you. It's a hard realization to come to, but it's the ugly truth.
"it's never a good or smart idea to marry an addict and yet you knew it and you did it."
Stick around the forum and read as much as you can about alcoholism. You will learn what I've come to realize:
An alcoholic's behavior and drinking always get worse before they get better--much, much worse. And it can take years (24 years in my AB's case) for them to reach their bottom and get the help they so desperately need. And in the meantime, you will live a life filled with chaos, frustration, disappointment, and lies. Does this sound like the future you've always dreamed of?
If you should decide to go ahead and marry this man, this is likely the future that's in store for you. It's a hard realization to come to, but it's the ugly truth.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Poway California
Posts: 4
Thank you all. I do appreciate your time for reading my story and sending me your words. I am young, 27. We lived together for 3 1/2 years and just recently did he move to VA. He is planning on comming out here to see me in a week. I have so much to say, but what I think I should be doing is not talking about it very much with him, because will not do much good. But to let him know that I am getting help for myself??? or should I not even say that? As far as his career goes, I do think that he may not be the leader he is now if he were to admit his problem, but that also means that he is not getting help. He constintaly says that he hates that he drinks and wants to stop. But that hasn't happened yet. It's funny what was said in the previous posts, because when he was with me, or at least at home, he did not drink like this, it got worse when he was sent to VA, and now he seems to be up and down with it. But maybe I am only fooling myself. I do thank all for writing to me, I am so happy that I have found this site, I thought they didn't even exist. Great to know that there are others out there who will listen and care and express what they know. Back on the topic. Every night, being that I can't sleep much...I write in a notebook and boy let me tell you that it has filled up. I want to show him this notebook and let him read it so he can see what my head is going through....do you think that I am wasting my time?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Hurmmmm let him read your journals?????
I dont know that I would allow an Alcoholic into my head.... its bad enough that he is in my heart and knows how to push my buttons there.... but if he knew how to push the in my head too and the pain it causes.... I guess for me that would be giving him too much power.
What I had to do is decide what I wantd for me. You have to understand too that this is not only a progressive disease but there are no guarentees.... that means he could be/stay sober for say 10 year.... you guys have 2 wonderful kids, a beautiful home etc.... after 10 years he relaspes and Im told its just as bad or worse then when they stopped. That was a biggie for me. I had to figure out if I was willing to gamble with his disease over and over.....
If it were me I would probably not say much, I would get educated and have my ducks in a row before I made any decisions. Also attending AA meetings and talking with some of the people that have been there... right where he is helped me alot too.
I dont know that I would allow an Alcoholic into my head.... its bad enough that he is in my heart and knows how to push my buttons there.... but if he knew how to push the in my head too and the pain it causes.... I guess for me that would be giving him too much power.
What I had to do is decide what I wantd for me. You have to understand too that this is not only a progressive disease but there are no guarentees.... that means he could be/stay sober for say 10 year.... you guys have 2 wonderful kids, a beautiful home etc.... after 10 years he relaspes and Im told its just as bad or worse then when they stopped. That was a biggie for me. I had to figure out if I was willing to gamble with his disease over and over.....
If it were me I would probably not say much, I would get educated and have my ducks in a row before I made any decisions. Also attending AA meetings and talking with some of the people that have been there... right where he is helped me alot too.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: ND
Posts: 32
If you are considering marrying, decide for yourself if you can accept him as he is, right now, for the rest of your lives together. Because all you an know is what is, right now. There are no crystal balls.
Thanks you Denny57 for this sentence!
Birdlegs, I too am young(24) and engaged to an alcoholic. We were set to get married next summer, but I called it off. We are still together and he is 2 months sober. But trust me things are still not good. He is still in his old patterns, not going to class, sleeping all day, playing computer games late into the night, not communicating with me, etc.
At this point I am so confused about spending the rest of my life with him. Denny57 really made me think. I know that I cannot accept him as he is right now for the rest of our lives together. So I think I know what I need to do for me but I just cry and cry everytime I think of my future without him. I really saw us growing old together with kids and grandkids. Now I think that it would be us growing old together with me being miserable and having confused and wounded children.
Do what is best for you and I will do what is best for me. I think if we are completely honest with ourselves (after some deep soul searching) we know what we need to do.
Kipper
Thanks you Denny57 for this sentence!
Birdlegs, I too am young(24) and engaged to an alcoholic. We were set to get married next summer, but I called it off. We are still together and he is 2 months sober. But trust me things are still not good. He is still in his old patterns, not going to class, sleeping all day, playing computer games late into the night, not communicating with me, etc.
At this point I am so confused about spending the rest of my life with him. Denny57 really made me think. I know that I cannot accept him as he is right now for the rest of our lives together. So I think I know what I need to do for me but I just cry and cry everytime I think of my future without him. I really saw us growing old together with kids and grandkids. Now I think that it would be us growing old together with me being miserable and having confused and wounded children.
Do what is best for you and I will do what is best for me. I think if we are completely honest with ourselves (after some deep soul searching) we know what we need to do.
Kipper
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
All good replys, You have heard from some wise people.
I have a personal suggestion, it seems young people are more flexable, the pain, grief, guilt etc. seems to lighten somewhat quicker for the younger people with short time involved. JMO
Most of us do not want to hear that, as our pain feels soo much that it will never go away. I understand that. BTDT.
Keep coming back. I want the best for both you and the one you love.
I have a personal suggestion, it seems young people are more flexable, the pain, grief, guilt etc. seems to lighten somewhat quicker for the younger people with short time involved. JMO
Most of us do not want to hear that, as our pain feels soo much that it will never go away. I understand that. BTDT.
Keep coming back. I want the best for both you and the one you love.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: NC
Posts: 240
As formerdoormat mentioned, my therapist told me on the first visit that's "it's never smart to marry an addict. You knew it and you did it."
Yup, I did and it's not an easy road to travel on even-though Ah is almost 9 months sober. It's what I'd always prayed for and by the grace of God he has taken that step for himself. Not for me.
Now, I'm left in a marriage that really isn't a marriage because he has alot of issues to work through after 20 yrs of addiction to alcohol and other drugs. His recovery is about HIM right now and that's hard to accept when you're married. He is unavailable to me emotionally right now and I don't know how long it's going to take for him to work through what he HAS to in order to stay sober. I have to accept that as far as his recovey goes that is priority for him and our marriage comes second. It has to if he's going to beat this disease.
It's difficult either way whether they're using or not. I tend to keep the focus on him and what he's doing, thinking, feeling etc. instead of on me, where it belongs. I thought he'd quit drinking and then poof....all our problems would be solved. WRONG!!!!
I made a bad decision, marrying and addict, but I have to learn the lesson that God is sending to me through these difficult times. The lesson is to learn to love me, who I am, realize my self-worth, get to the bottom of MY issues and figure out WHY I made the decison to marry him knowing full well what I was in for. My advice would be to step back, re-evaulate your relationship keeping in mind what it is YOU really WANT and NEED. As the others who have BTDT have said: attend alanon, gain knowledge (power), read co-dependant no more and attend therapy if needed. Take care of you first and then decide if marrying this man you love is the right choice for you. I love mine too but what I have to progress toward is loving myself first. Good Luck.
Yup, I did and it's not an easy road to travel on even-though Ah is almost 9 months sober. It's what I'd always prayed for and by the grace of God he has taken that step for himself. Not for me.
Now, I'm left in a marriage that really isn't a marriage because he has alot of issues to work through after 20 yrs of addiction to alcohol and other drugs. His recovery is about HIM right now and that's hard to accept when you're married. He is unavailable to me emotionally right now and I don't know how long it's going to take for him to work through what he HAS to in order to stay sober. I have to accept that as far as his recovey goes that is priority for him and our marriage comes second. It has to if he's going to beat this disease.
It's difficult either way whether they're using or not. I tend to keep the focus on him and what he's doing, thinking, feeling etc. instead of on me, where it belongs. I thought he'd quit drinking and then poof....all our problems would be solved. WRONG!!!!
I made a bad decision, marrying and addict, but I have to learn the lesson that God is sending to me through these difficult times. The lesson is to learn to love me, who I am, realize my self-worth, get to the bottom of MY issues and figure out WHY I made the decison to marry him knowing full well what I was in for. My advice would be to step back, re-evaulate your relationship keeping in mind what it is YOU really WANT and NEED. As the others who have BTDT have said: attend alanon, gain knowledge (power), read co-dependant no more and attend therapy if needed. Take care of you first and then decide if marrying this man you love is the right choice for you. I love mine too but what I have to progress toward is loving myself first. Good Luck.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
You know I was thinking about the statement.
Can you live with him how he is right now... today.
Even if you can live with who he is today and be happy you have to remember its a progressive disease and who he is today will be much worse in 10 years without recovery....
Can you live with him how he is right now... today.
Even if you can live with who he is today and be happy you have to remember its a progressive disease and who he is today will be much worse in 10 years without recovery....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
In Al-Anon we learn to live for today. If I say it's progressive and may get worse, then I also have to say someone could get sober and it will be better. Tomorrow is abstract. I assume today is all I have and I make my choices accordingly.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Originally Posted by birdlegs
Hello,
I am new to this.
Here is my story.
I am currently a student, I am engaged to be married to a man in the military. He is an alcoholic. He has admitted it to me once or twice. He lives in VA, and I am in CA. He just got new orders there this last April, so living seperate is really hard. I have not yet attended Alanon, but intend to tomorrow. He said that he would stop drinking and told me that he did two months ago. Two nights ago he called me sounding funny and I asked are you drinking and he said no. I knew he was but I thought well don't fight while he's drunk you get no where. He called again but this time I changed my way of speaking to him and said, sorry for assuming you were drinking and thank you for being the honest loving man you are....he replied, I have not been honest and I have been drinking tonight. I got mad, said how can I trust him ever, he yelled well I guess you never will and then hung up. I tried to call him but he turned off his phone. The next morning he called me before I went to school and said that he still loved me and that he should not have drank. He never said sorry. So tonight he called late and sounded funny again. I asked if he had been drinking and he said yes.Here I thought all this time that I could believe him. I love this man. I have been with him for four years and yet I feel that he has no idea what I am going through. I wonder if I am a crazy person for hoping that he will get help......any words of wisdom? I don't know if I should marry a man who can't even keep his own head above water. But the hard part for me is that I honestly love him and have seen the sober side....am I just fibbing to myself or what?
In need of a helping voice.
I am new to this.
Here is my story.
I am currently a student, I am engaged to be married to a man in the military. He is an alcoholic. He has admitted it to me once or twice. He lives in VA, and I am in CA. He just got new orders there this last April, so living seperate is really hard. I have not yet attended Alanon, but intend to tomorrow. He said that he would stop drinking and told me that he did two months ago. Two nights ago he called me sounding funny and I asked are you drinking and he said no. I knew he was but I thought well don't fight while he's drunk you get no where. He called again but this time I changed my way of speaking to him and said, sorry for assuming you were drinking and thank you for being the honest loving man you are....he replied, I have not been honest and I have been drinking tonight. I got mad, said how can I trust him ever, he yelled well I guess you never will and then hung up. I tried to call him but he turned off his phone. The next morning he called me before I went to school and said that he still loved me and that he should not have drank. He never said sorry. So tonight he called late and sounded funny again. I asked if he had been drinking and he said yes.Here I thought all this time that I could believe him. I love this man. I have been with him for four years and yet I feel that he has no idea what I am going through. I wonder if I am a crazy person for hoping that he will get help......any words of wisdom? I don't know if I should marry a man who can't even keep his own head above water. But the hard part for me is that I honestly love him and have seen the sober side....am I just fibbing to myself or what?
In need of a helping voice.
I know about this because my husband was locked up down there while on active duty. The only reason I believe my AH did not lose his commission is because (1) of his previous meritorious service, (2) we were about to go into Iraq and they needed him there, and (3) this situation had never occurred before. However, the grapevine within the Army Corps of Engineers is VERY tight and I got the word straight from the horse's mouth, so to speak ... someone higher up wanted to kick him out and that would have meant bye-bye to his pension (he's got 20 years in). By some miracle (or someone pulling strings) he didn't lose his career.
You are witnessing a preview of what marriage will be like. And it get worse. And it won't end until he decides to end it. He'll lie about his drinking, hide it, deny it, or whatever else he needs to do to maintain his addiction. If you marry an active alcoholic you are going to be in for some really rough times. If he decides not to quit, you will take second place to his lovely little habit. You may want to seriously reconsider marrying this guy. Right now you are on opposite sides of the country. Imagine the distress you will feel if you're living up-close-and-personal with him. Take your time before you jump into a permanent relationship.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Poway California
Posts: 4
Thank you so much. Today he called and does not sound crazy. He sounded good and said he was sorry for drinking. He has no idea that I am on line with others talking about me right now. I wonder if I should even tell him or if that only allows him to say I'm the one with the problem. Does this make sense? then he can blame me, because I feel that I need the help too now.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by birdlegs
Today he called and does not sound crazy. He sounded good and said he was sorry for drinking.
Originally Posted by birdlegs
He has no idea that I am on line with others talking about me right now. I wonder if I should even tell him or if that only allows him to say I'm the one with the problem.
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