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advice please!

Old 09-16-2006, 02:20 PM
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cal
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Angry advice please!

I have a specific scenario I'd like to talk about right now... I'll get into more detail about my relationship history with Dh (or is it AH here?!)
I was reading a bit about the philosophies of Al Anon and about not confronting the alcoholic etc..
But what do I do in this case:
Last night (as on many occasions) Ah decided in a drunken state that it would be fun to have his buddy over(3am) to continue drinking and listening to (loud) music all night and into the morning...well thats all fine and dandy but we have 3 kids that need to sleep and me who's in nursing school really can't suffer through the next day and be productive at all...if I come down and tell them to stop(they usually don't listen anyway)then I'm a bitch that dosen't let him have an outlet or have any fun..if I don't say anything or wait until an "appropriate time"when he's sober(after having the luxury of lying around all the next day complaining about whatever comes to mind)then the kids and I suffer...Any thoughts or things you've done in situations like this?(I've taken his house key away before but that only results in numerous phone calls and door poundings ...
of course he dosen't see or "get why I'm upset the next day...and promises (of course to never do it again)but it always happens again it may be a week or two but it always happens again...
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Old 09-16-2006, 03:07 PM
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Hi Cal,
It's tough dealing with a drunk person.
There are stickies at the top of this section that may give you some ideas.
It sounds like you'd like to have a boundry that says "no partying on until dawn". You could try to get this point across when he's sober... and get it in writing. You could ask him and his buddy to go to the buddy's house. You and the kids could come down and join the party. You could choose to blare the TV and radio when you and the kids get up. You and the kids could leave when that happens. There are choices for you but you may not like them all - and not all of them are 'healthy' ones. Boundries are for you, basically saying to yourself I will not accept this and figuring out what choices to make in that situation. What you can live with.
You'll hear this over and over and over... you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. The ONLY person you can change is YOU!
Read "Co-dependant No More" or "Getting them Sober" (select chapters are online).
I don't have a magic wand, nor can I tell you where to find one that makes all the wacho A behavior go away. I can tell you that you're welcome here at SR 24/7...
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Old 09-16-2006, 03:09 PM
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Welcome....

I know its kinda slow on the weekends but let me see if I can help alittle.

Does it always happen on weekends when the kids dont have school the next day?

Ususally I would remove myself from the situation. Its a matter of figuring out what boundries you can set to keep your life from being so straining.

You said that you have taken the house key away before but then its the phone calls and pounding on the door. Well if your boundry is that he does not need to be home when he wants to party all night then you could do the same .... then unplug the phone, if he is pounding on the door you could call the police. I know that sounds rough but its only a example of what you could do.

I usually tell the A what the boundry is, what will happen if its broken when they are sober.... the tough part is you HAVE to follow through. Usually it does not take many times for them to get it. As far as being the B*@ch ... I would not pay one bit attention to what he is saying.... him doing that is only placing the blame for his unaceptable behavior onto you. Alcoholics do that all the time, blame someone else because it "cant" be there problem.... its a way for them not to look at themselves.

How do the kids handle all this????
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Old 09-16-2006, 03:29 PM
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Seems like its tough around your house right now.

If your children and you are sacrificing your sleep for his drinking and partying, that is not what al-anon has in mind in regards to not confronting him..


He chooses to drink all night. OK, his choice, he is an adult and has that right.
You can choose to leave the house, or
then unplug the phone, if he is pounding on the door you could call the police.
Ive done this myself.

Who is making the choices for the children in all the commotion with him and his drinking buddies?
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Old 09-16-2006, 05:19 PM
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I'll share my solution with you. I threw him out and refused to be a part of his life while he was actively drinking. Worked like a charm.
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Old 09-17-2006, 07:18 AM
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cal
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You could try to get this point across when he's sober... and get it in writing.
We do talk about this before he goes out...but he conviently forgets...getting it in writing is a good idea at least then I won't feel like I'm crazy and that we really did have that conversation !!

You could ask him and his buddy to go to the buddy's house
I did that and alot of times they usually do because most his buddies are single but this time the excuse was that his buddies roomate was sleeping!!!!ha ha (the roomate being a 48 year old alcoholic himself!!)(but its ok to wake up a mom and 3kids!!geesh!!)and that its nicer here and we have a better stereo and he didn't want to pass out at his friends 'cause he has to sleep near the cat box!!I think the real reason is that we had a bottle of wine left here....

You could choose to blare the TV and radio when you and the kids get up.
yeah we've done that but...makes for a crazy environment and we much rather have him sleeping and out of our hair when he's like that...I don't like the kids seeing him like that!!
Read "Co-dependant No More" or "Getting them Sober" (select chapters are online).
I'll be doing that...I just borrowed a copy of co-depent and I'll have to pick up Getting them sober...Thanks!!

Does it always happen on weekends when the kids dont have school the next day?
Unfortunately it can happen any day of the week...
if he is pounding on the door you could call the police
yeah I guess I could I was wishing my neighbour would because of the noise the other night but everyone loves my DH he's a very charming person...also I can't let him get charged with anything because we travel back and forth from Canada to the States (we have family in the States and I don't want to jeapordize our seeing them!!)

How do the kids handle all this????
our 2 year old obviously dosen't know and thinks daddy is funny but my 14 year old and 12 year old get very upset( at least my 14 year old has dedcided to NEVER drink because of him!!)

He chooses to drink all night. OK, his choice, he is an adult and has that right.
yeah thats what I tell him...but that he has to pick the right time and place....

I'll share my solution with you. I threw him out and refused to be a part of his life while he was actively drinking. Worked like a charm
yeah I've done that too...my problem is that he's so unpredictable...it was almost easier when he drank ALL the time now he goes sometimes months in between where he really gets himself together and I start to relax and trust him and rely on him again and then when you're not expecting it wham he's on a binge this is a whole other topic though!!
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Old 09-17-2006, 07:45 AM
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My bf likes to play loud music...late at night/early hours, when the drink is kicking in...then every song he plays he turns up a little bit louder until its blasting and I have to say something..
Then, when I ask him to turn it down a little bit...he turns it off completely...and then the moaning, complaining, and ranting start...."we're not dead" "lets have some fun together", "fxxk everyone else" (meaning my daughter asleep upstairs and the neighbours"....he forgets one thing though. It's not fun for me and I have respect for my daughter and my neighbours...

At this point I have two choices, stay up and try and "make him see" (bad choice) or go to bed (good choice)...I normally go to bed!

Urgh....unpredictability is so hard to deal with..
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