Letting Go

Old 08-18-2006, 01:04 PM
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Acting not reacting
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Letting Go

To ``let go'' does not mean to stop caring.

It means I can't do it for someone else.

To ``let go'' is not to cut myself off.

It's the realization I can't control another.

To ``let go'' is not to enable,

but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To ``let go'' is to admit powerlessness

which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To ``let go'' is not to try to change or blame another.

It's to make the most of myself.

To ``let go'' is not to care for, but to care about.

To ``let go'' is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To ``let go'' is not to judge,

but to allow another to be a human being.

To ``let go'' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,

but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To ``let go'' is not to be protective.

It's to permit another to face reality.

To ``let go'' is not to deny, but to accept.

To ``let go'' is not to nag, scold, or argue,

but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To ``let go'' is not to criticize and regulate anybody,

but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To ``let go'' is not to adjust everything to my desires

but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To ``let go'' is to not regret the past,

but to grow and live for the future.

To ``let go'' is to fear less and LOVE MYSELF MORE
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Old 08-18-2006, 01:20 PM
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This is the part that I don't understand....

To ``let go'' is not to fix, but to be supportive.

If you are going to let go and let them face the consequences of their actions, how can you be supportive? I'm having a hard time grasping the concept of just standing back and watching, while being supportive.
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Old 08-18-2006, 01:27 PM
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First of all you are not his Mother hon....

His decisions are his alone to make. "Letting go" is to allow him to make his own decisions (driving drunk) and stop the codi behavior of trying to fix him and make it right. Being supportive is just that ... supporting his decisions.

Example: You walk out of the bar and he wants to drive. You ask for the keys and advise him that you are unwilling to drive with him drunk... he insist and gets in and starts the car.... dont jump on the hood and try to stop him (saw someone do that once) dont fight and argue... just go call a cab.

You are allowing him to make his own mistakes.... and in doing that remember that you have to allow him his own conquenses....

Example: He drives home and gets pulled over and arrested for drunk driving.... You do not go bail him out, you do not find him an attorney, you do not take responsibility for his mistakes.....

Make sense?
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Old 08-18-2006, 01:27 PM
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For me, being supportive means allowing someone else the dignity to make their own decisions, choices, mistakes, etc. How can someone else learn by their own mistakes if I keep stepping in to "save" them from themselves? JMO
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Old 08-18-2006, 02:08 PM
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Old 08-18-2006, 02:18 PM
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letting go is the hardest thing to do. Because you have been doing it for so long, it becomes a habit. My daily routine was to look through his pants pockets, look through his wallet, smell his breath when I kissed him, etc.. what would happen if I found the receipt saying VODKA? What do i do then, let me tell you what i do, worry. get this awful ball of fear in my gut that I can't get rid of. Now what good does that do? Honestly, I still want to do those things, but i make myself not too, Occasionally I slip up. But I make a mental note to move forward, because It does me,nor him any good if i'm just a f**ked as he is. Does this make any sense? You can be supportive by listening, or go to an open meeting if he askes you. You can give word of encouragement without telling them what to do. Be there, but do not forget about you, thats the problem with being a codie, nothing is about us, its all about them, and then we get angry. We have the right to get angry, and we have the right to be sad, but we do not have the right to neglect ourselves, or then were just as bad as the AH. I know thats a little harsh, but i feel its true.
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Old 08-19-2006, 07:25 PM
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I've not been able to let go in a loving way. The hurt and pain and financial problems AH has caused me made it impossible to let go in a loving manner. Infact, I've been down right cold about it.
We live in separate rooms on opposites sides of the house. I try to be sleeping or at least in my room when he gets in from work around 10:30pm. I never call him during the day while I'm at work like I used to just to say hi or tell him I love him. I don't ask him to do anything around the house but it's funny because he does more now than he ever did, hasn't gotten him back in my good graces though. I no longer do his laundry and up until a couple of days ago when he would try to talk to me I'd walk away. Oh and the biggie for him, no sexual or intimate contact other than a kiss good-night and he would initiate that.
Today I had a moment where I was upset and crying about "my stuff" and he came over and hugged me and I let him. I needed to be hugged and it felt good, but my guard is still up. I did break down and have intimate contact with him but that was my doing (hormonal) but purely physical for me. I know that sounds bad but men do it all the time. Well not all men, but IMHO it's more of a physical thing for them and an emotional thing for us girls.
I made it clear before hand that, that's what it was nothing more and of course he didn't care LOL.
Slowly, I'm going to try to detach in a more loving way because I know I'd feel much better about myself if I can bring myself to that point. But, my alanon friends told me if I couldn't detach in love...detach in what ever way I was able to do, so that's what I did. Either way, my attempt to do so is for my benefit, not his. It's hard to be someone you're not. It takes alot of work/energy and I don't feel good about myself because I'm being someone I'm not. As my anger and resentments lessen, maybe I can detach in love. Maybe not. For me detaching in anger was the only way I could do it.
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Old 08-20-2006, 06:24 AM
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I can identify with what you are saying. I had built up so much resentment towards AH over the last few years that I cannot grasp the "detach with love" concept. The only way I can really detach from his drinking is to detach from him nearly complelety since drinking is a huge part of him. He drinks from the time he gets home ( and before ) til he goes to sleep. He won't go to dinner anywhere that doesn't serve. I am a nervous wreck anytime we go anywhere together because I know he will get drunk and embarrass me. He has always done his part around the house, that was never a problem. (But he has to receive proper accolades for it)

I guess what it came down to with me was one major boundary. I won't live with him unless he stops drinking and gets help for both the drinking and his abusiveness or our marriage is over. He refused any help so that forced my hand. We are now in the process of getting a dissolution. He maintains that "this is not what he wants". Well, it's not how I envisioned my life either, but neither did I envision sitting next to AH in a stupor each night, or worse, in a rage and throwing and breaking furniture. Also, threatening to "throw me through a wall". How long unitl it's not just a threat? He's a great guy when he's calm and sober, but I'm no longer willing to put up with the crap for the little bit of the "good guy"

So maybe i have taken detachment and boundaries to the extreme, I don't know. I'm still learning.
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Old 08-20-2006, 07:02 AM
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My AH is not actively drinking and does attend a "couple" of meetings a week but his behavior IMVHO, hasn't changed. The last day of his rehab stay I was asked by his counsoler( can't ever spell that word) what were my boundries?
#1- No drinking or drug use or I will file for a divorce-he thought this very ridgid as he learned in rehab many people "slip", but I would not budge.
#2- Get a job and take care of your responsibilities-he did but when offered a small freelance job covering a local baseball team ( he's a journalist, writing is his passion) paying only $30 a story he took it. But when he went to the restuarant where is was working 40-60hrs a week to ask for 9days off in the month to do this writing, his boss said no he had a strict policy (no other jobs while working for him). He quit, granted I agreed that his boss was a bit unreasonable but it was steady work. He was getting his bills paid.
So, he continued to freelance for that newspaper while looking for jobs in his field (not jobs that would pay the bills) jobs he wanted. After, two months of this child support caught up with his a$$ and he was serverd a summons to appear in court. His answer-steal $500 from my personal account and shuffle on off to Buffalo to see his youngest son. In other words run from his responsibility (what he did when actively drinking). He wasn't drinking though (which baffled the hell out of me). Missed his hearing, got thrown in jail for 5 days until his bail was reduced to an amount I could reasonably afford.
#3- New boundries, as stated above. I wanted so bad to kick his a$$ to the curb that I changed the locks but was told it was his house as much as mine and since he had/has nowhere to go.....burned all his bridges he's here.
#4-New boundry his set last night-stop asking if he's attending meetings and if he's following the steps " When I was drinking, no matter what you did or said, whether directly or indirectly NEVER made a difference to me. It only frustrated me more and eventually I wasn't listening anymore." " I had to figure it out for myself."
"I have to figure my recovery out myself." " It's like I put my foot into the pool and you throw me in when I don't want to go in."
My control issues, I have got to work on them. Alanon, posting here, reading and then putting what I read into practice in my life. Practice..Practice...Practice
(He is working now, got a job 5 days out of jail waiting tables. Guess jail wasn't for him LOL)
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Old 08-20-2006, 07:16 AM
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Good. Something I am still working on. It's a challenge for me..
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