I've not been able to let go in a loving way. The hurt and pain and financial problems AH has caused me made it impossible to let go in a loving manner. Infact, I've been down right cold about it.
We live in separate rooms on opposites sides of the house. I try to be sleeping or at least in my room when he gets in from work around 10:30pm. I never call him during the day while I'm at work like I used to just to say hi or tell him I love him. I don't ask him to do anything around the house but it's funny because he does more now than he ever did, hasn't gotten him back in my good graces though. I no longer do his laundry and up until a couple of days ago when he would try to talk to me I'd walk away. Oh and the biggie for him, no sexual or intimate contact other than a kiss good-night and he would initiate that.
Today I had a moment where I was upset and crying about "my stuff" and he came over and hugged me and I let him. I needed to be hugged and it felt good, but my guard is still up. I did break down and have intimate contact with him but that was my doing (hormonal) but purely physical for me. I know that sounds bad but men do it all the time. Well not all men, but IMHO it's more of a physical thing for them and an emotional thing for us girls.
I made it clear before hand that, that's what it was nothing more and of course he didn't care LOL.
Slowly, I'm going to try to detach in a more loving way because I know I'd feel much better about myself if I can bring myself to that point. But, my alanon friends told me if I couldn't detach in love...detach in what ever way I was able to do, so that's what I did. Either way, my attempt to do so is for my benefit, not his. It's hard to be someone you're not. It takes alot of work/energy and I don't feel good about myself because I'm being someone I'm not. As my anger and resentments lessen, maybe I can detach in love. Maybe not. For me detaching in anger was the only way I could do it.
