BellaBlue

Don't even know how to title this one.

Since Christmas 42 YO son has been through two 28 day rehab stays plus a few months at a half way house. He got out of rehab and just showed up at my door, after not speaking to me for a few months. He didn't want to stay, just needed to rest and find another place. During conversation, he told me he "had a great time for the 2 days he drank" (got him kicked out of halfway house) and that he "isn't ready" to quit. He has nothing: no job, car, home, etc. Nothing. Don't know what he is going to do. He just can't seem to get it together, but doesn't seem to really want to. He's very depressed, mores than I have ever seen. His former counselor is very concerned about him, but also said he won't follow any of the plans for recovery that have proven to help others - everything has to be his way.

After thinking about this and wondering if and when he would call for something, I texted and asked that he not contact me or come here again, it's just too painful. I added that I would always love him, pray for him and hope that one day he will make amends with his family.

Just how long do we walk with an alcoholic who doesn't really work a recovery program? I don't want his drama, his bitterness and victimhood, even if he is my boy.

seekingcalm

My heart is with you BellaBlue, but I believe you are doing the right thing. If love for our boys could get them clean and healthy, wouldn't that be so easy? I miss my son, but I don't miss who he is now...I miss who he was when he was a boy, and even a young man. The change in him was a process...little by little I lost him and now I don't know him.

Have you read the post on this forum, "The Battle Isn't Yours to Fight". I've read it many times, and it's an important reminder. Leaving them to it is the right thing to do. They know where to find us if they ever get serious about recovery. Stay strong, and thank you so much for posting. Most folks here post about romantic partners, and it helps to hear from parents like me from time to time.

BellaBlue

Thanks, seekingcalm. I feel as you do: I miss the sweet little boy he once was. Years of alcoholism and all that it brings has made him a stranger to me and someone I really don't want to be around. I have read (and reread) the post you refer to and it is excellent, very helpful. So much sadness right now - I'm barely functional. Four weeks ago, I had to put down both my dog and bunny - same day. My dog was my best friend. She was just 2 weeks shy of 16 years old. Losses pile up until I feel buried under their weight.

seekingcalm

I am so sorry for what you are feeling. I can relate as I also lost 2 beloved dogs of almost 15 years in the last few years.
If we never loved deeply, we would never experience the pain when we lose a loved one…four-legged or two. I believe it’s worth the pain every time to have known the love. Wouldn’t trade it. Sending love from one mom to another.

BellaBlue

Agreed. I got another dog right away. He is sweet and lovely - a big, hairy collie. Makes the losses a bit more tolerable.

Bute

I'm right alongside both of you ladies. I haven't seen my son since November. No contact for 2 months. Being honest, life is better, and I too, no longer want his drama, nastiness etc. He's not a nice person to be around, or talk to, on most occasions. He's my son, but there does come a point where you have to draw a line in the sand.
Sorry to read about the loss of your furries Bella. It's heartbreaking. I had to have one of my dogs put to sleep, he was 12, and my little buddy. Having my other dog, did lessen the sting somewhat.
Take good care
Much Love
Bute x

BellaBlue

An update. He is in the hospital, detoxing from a 2 week binge. Doesn't want to see me and won't let staff give me any info.

seekingcalm

Thinking of you BellaBlue and praying that he may at last be ready to turn things around.

Bute

Bella
Sometimes it's best not to see them. I'm sorry that this has happened, as I know it can still play on ones mind.
Sending a virtual hug.
Much Love
Bute x

BellaBlue

Another rehab in August, right back to it when he got out. Another hospital detox, right back to it. He texted to ask if he could stay here, hubby said no because he refuses any medical or psychological help, will not go back to rehab. He will not stop. He is living in an empty house alone, GF kicked him out. He called earlier today. When I answered, all I heard was very labored breathing and muttering. Not sure if he even knew I answered. I hung up. I think he may be dying. How do I live with this? I am 4 hours away and don't even know where he is staying.

Zevin

I am so so so sad for you, Bella. Sending prayers. I wish there were some magic words to fix this.

seekingcalm

Hi BellaBlue, My heart is with you and breaking after reading this. Our worst fears for our beloved children battling alcoholism and addiction. Those children become adults we don't know. It's so hard sometimes to wrap my head around how this can happen. Keeping you and your family and your son in my prayers. Praying a miracle will save him for good finally putting him on a path to recovery. Praying for your peace and calm as you navigate a situation that none of us should ever have to know.

BellaBlue

Another hospital stay. Says it's for covid, which he may have, but it's more likely alcohol related since he has had seizures in the past and his stay is over a week already. He has not been intubated or needed oxygen, so I doubt covid is the real culprit. He has been drinking for months now. Several more broken relationships, several more lost jobs and living arrangements. He called today to say he has nowhere to go. I said he could not come here and he said he wasn't asking. He wants money but has no plan, so I will not give him any. Says the social worker tried to find him housing but no one will take him with covid. He threatens death if anyone forces him into rehab. I doubt if much of what he said is true. I told him he needs to make a plan with the social worker and to have her call me. Of course, that just made him angry and I ended the call.

I feel like I am documenting his death. Maybe I am - it can't continue like this forever. He's 44 now and has nothing.

No mother should ever have to deal with this.

Bella

Seren

You're right. No mother should have to deal with this. But some of us do.

I'm so sorry that your son continues to spiral. He is in good hands at the hospital, and his social worker is his best option. I hope that he will wake up to the reality of his life and make better decisions going forward. I'll pray for your son's miracle to happen.

Sending hugs!

BellaBlue

Thanks, Seren. He's most likely angry with me now for not just sending money. The social worker did not call me, so I'm guessing he doesn't really want to do anything different. I've had a rocky few days - don't know how to mother, support, love or care for him right now. I'm sure I offered little to no empathy, but after decades of this, I have very little to give.

BellaBlue

Hospital discharged him today. Social worker wanted him to go to rehab, but he will not and threatens to take his life. I will not give money and his XGF will not give him money. But some friend somewhere paid for one night in an airbnb. No money, no job, no place to live, no real friends. So, tomorrow morning will bring yet another crisis.

seekingcalm

Dear BellaBlue,
I am so sorry to read your most recent posts...it is amazing how much a body can withstand. I cannot imagine how he has gotten this far, and how much an alcoholic can lose and still not be ready to seek help. So heartbreaking...my son is only 31...but I see his future in your posts if he continues to deny he has a problem.
Just want to say you are not alone, I will keep you and your son in my prayers and thoughts.
You have done the very best you could to love and support your son. There is nothing we can do when they cannot love themselves.

BellaBlue

It just goes on and on. He was, as of the last few weeks, homeless and in a shelter 7 hrs. from me. He wants money, cries and is very depressed. His sister is trying to talk him into rehab, so he cut contact. We have no idea what is happening. The fear has overtaken me to the point that I ended up in the ER.

During the last few years, he came here to stay twice. Both times, it was bad. The police were called by a neighbor and they took him away. I was terrified. I feel so guilty that I cannot say, come home and I'll care for you, but how can I? I don't feel safe with him around and he won't work any recovery program.

Bute

Hi Bellablue
I too, cannot have my son live with me ever again. He hasn't been to my home, even for a visit, since I evicted him 9 years ago. I wo 't put myself through that again.
My son seems to be on a cycle of prison, gets out and is homeless, gets accomodation, ends back in prison and round it goes.
I've seen my son once, in 3 years, as he is too unpredictable to be around, and I won't put myself in a vulnerable/dangerous situation.
You too, are correct to put yourself first.
Much Love
Bute x

BellaBlue

I'm sorry that this is happening to you, too, Bute. As moms, it's really hard to have to resort to such unnatural ways of dealing with our sons. It feels ugly, unloving and unkind. But I know it must be this way. Not sure where he is right now as he cut contact with family members who will not give him money.