Jazzman

My #2 son is a huge basketball junkie and plays year round. His summer league team made it to the playoffs (yay) but were eliminated last night in game 2 (awe...). Anyway, there is one boy on his team that is a very good player and he and his Father always get to the game way early and practice shooting free throws. His Dad always giving him pointers on technique, etc.

I was thinking wow! What a dedicated Father spending a lot of time practicing with his son! Of course, my next thought was boy I sure suck as a Father! I don't practice that much with my son. (Too hard on myself at times)

Last night this boy was having an off night, usually being a high scorer on the team. I noticed every time he would make a mistake, he would look up in the stands at his Father. Then I noticed every time he made a good play he would do the same.

Then my next thought was I'm sure glad my son doesn't feel like he needs my approval or acceptance or understanding every time he misses or makes a shot! That can't be healthy.

Being the son of an alcoholic Father and codie Mother sure makes for interesting parenting challenges! So today I laugh at myself for first feeling like an inadequate Father, then being thankful that putting pressure on my kids to perform at perfectionist levels is something I didn't pass on to them.

ICU

Will you adopt me? LOL!

Your son is one lucky kid!

lostnotfound

Good for you, Jazz. It sounds like you have a healthy relationship with your son. You just never know what lurks behind all those faces in the crowd, do you?

Jazzman

It's more like you never know the scars that lurk within ourselves...
Or I guess that was really the point I was trying to make! LOL!!!

I would like to think that one day my scars will never again rear their ugly head in the form of doubting myself...

I was once that boy desperately seeking approval/acceptance from my Father.

cwohio

in the small bit of interaction i saw of you and your sons while were in DC - i think you show a very open, caring, "interested" attitude with your sons. it's great you got to see the "big picture" - quality parenting does not always mean that you have to be involved in every activity.

you rock!

elizabeth1979

Good for you Jazz!

I remember when I was a Junior in high school at a state volleyball tournament maybe 200 miles from home. I had made Varsity each year starting as a freshman. Id had one really bad game, that my dad was at, and the next game my coach didnt start me, and didnt let me play the whole day. My dad shook his head at me when I looked at him from the bench and walked out and left. He drove all the way home and when I got home he didnt speak to me for 2 days. He later told me he was embarassed by me that day.
Funny because I dont remember being upset that I didnt play, I remember being upset because I had embarrased my dad, let him down, and "made" him angry with me.

Thats awesome, your kids are benefiting hugely from this!

equus

Hey Jazz.... You scared the poopers out of me! I thought you were going to say you were worried he was addicted to baseball!!

NAH - you've got your head far too well screwed on for that and I reckon you're right, the teenage years are about learning to be independent of parents, slowly and surely and probably never completely (even at 40!). It takes real love to love that.

You've got lucky kids!

sunshine003

I'm laughing with you jazz, LOL. I'm with ICU, will you adopt me too? I come from a mom who is far from perfect but she likes to play "pretend".

atalose

I attended a family therapy session last night where a good portion of the group were teenagers,17, 18, 19 with addictions. The family only part all the parents were talking about was how they can't control there kids, how they EXPECT things to be because they give them so much, cars, money, expensive schools. When we were all brough together, all the kids talked about was the pressure they feel from the parents to excell, to be the best, to get the best grades, ect. And every single one of them asked their parents to JUST TALK to us, ask us how we are, instead of telling us how we should be. It was right out of the mouth of babes!!!
Keep up the great job of parenting you are doing Jazz!!!!!

Jazzman

And if we each look back to when we were that age, we go YA!!!

Why is it so easy to forget at our age now, what we wanted from our parents THEN.

I had long hair as a teen and my 50s style crew cut Dad gave me greif to NO end about my hair. Funny, #2 son keeps his hair even shorter than my Dad did... LOL!!! I'm STILL the "long hair"! I never give him crap about his hair or how he dresses....

Nope... not gonna do it!

Jazzman

BTW, thought I would say that's quite an accomplishment! I'm sure your Father was proud of you for that but maybe just didn't know how to show it?

Have you ever asked him about that? Or talked to him about how you felt?

minnie

((Jazz)) You know I think both of your kids are brilliant. They are a total credit to you. And that is because of the thought process that you have displayed on this thread.

gelfling

I've seen shows on tv about dads who are a royal pain in the a** about their kids being the perfect jock. Guessing I saw it on Dr. Phil. These guys need AA...Attitude Adjustment. Projecting what they didn't have onto their kids.

Just keep up the good work with yours. You're a great dad!!!!

cmc

Good job, Daddio!
The letting go part starts at infancy and should gradually be complete by the teen years for the most part. It's no small wonder why so many kids today have depression, eating disorders.... I know, I know- We didn't cause it can't cure it etc. I believe that completely.
We sure can contribute though!! It's nice to know that your kids have some breathing space to just be themselves!!!
cmc

denny57

Hey Jazz, wish you could run into my brother at a game and give him some of your wisdom. I know he loves his kids, but my one nephew - who actually is great at sports - is an emotional wreck over his dad's approval or non approval. I feel for him. Another thing I've noticed is his other son, who he treats the same, and who also loves sports, doesn't have the same reactions or need to please. Once in awhile I have to catch myself - I can be observing them like they're in a petrie dish or something LOL.

I've got a feeling you're a pretty cool dad to have.

megamysterioso

Yeppers Jazz- you're kids are lucky to have you. I think children have too much undo pressure these days and do not need additional pressure from parents who are supposed to unconditionally love them. If I had kids, I'd hope to be the kind of parent you are.

pmaslan

Got room for 2 more boys Jazz......
I got 2 ...don't eat much, not much trouble....
don't even play sports.....lol
now if you can handle all that drumming.......lol

Jazzman

Hi cmc, wanted bounce something off you..

Quote:

Originally Posted by cmc

The letting go part starts at infancy and should gradually be complete by the teen years for the most part.

This kinda threw me

Quote:

It's no small wonder why so many kids today have depression, eating disorders.... I know, I know- We didn't cause it can't cure it etc. I believe that completely.

So did this. But since I don't really know you or your situation I read back through some of your old posts,(not all so I don't know your entire story) and I think I know where you’re coming from now. I think my confusion was an out of context thing.

I would agree that letting go makes sense, but not starting at infancy, this is the beginning of bonding that never has to end in my mind. Even when they grow up and move away from the nest, the opportunity for healthy bonding doesn't stop. Letting go of them in the sense of cutting the umbilical chord, sure. I see that as an age appropriate thing.

As far as depression or eating disorders and we didn't cause it... I struggle with that one big time. I feel we as parents have to own up to any self esteem problems that we either contributed to by poor choices/actions on our part or made worse by inaction.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cmc

We sure can contribute though!!

I would say we sure DO contribute.

Good luck with your son cmc. That's got to be a tough one for sure. If the addict in my life was one of my sons... I don't know how I would handle that. Best wishes

robina

That's an overwhelming issue when the addict is your child. It's a very fine line to walk. I don't fully accept the Al-anon principle that "I didn't cause it". How can you be the most important influence in a young person's life for 20 years, and then refuse to accept any responsibility when that young person becomes an alcoholic?

Knowing what I know now, after a lot of recovery in Al-anon, if I could go back in time, I would do a lot of things differently. The big question is: if I had been a perfect mother, would my daughter still have become an alcoholic? Maybe, maybe not - who can say?

The only thing I can do as a parent is to work my recovery program and give a daily gift of a healthy, happy, well balanced mother to my daughter - something she did not have when she was growing up.


PS - you sound like a loving and attentive dad - good job!

Jazzman

Quote:

Originally Posted by robina

That's an overwhelming issue when the addict is your child.

And not THE ONLY overwhelming issue to be sure. I was very close to my xMIL and have nothing but compassion and sorrow for what she endures on a daily. I also am way out of my league on this subject and can only wish you the best. Thank you for your contributions here Robina.