Got my answer and I don't like it.
Followtheyellowbrickroad
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Staples, MN
Posts: 104
Got my answer and I don't like it.
I just got off the phone with my AH. I recieved a phone call last night from a woman who has seen my AH with another woman. I called to confront him since there has been such a change in behavior from last Thursday. Last Thursday he was over here telling me that he still loved me and that he wanted to keep trying to save our marriage. Friday I recieved another e-mail from him Friday suddenly with a change of tune, telling me that he suddenly knew that there was no room in his life for me. So, putting the pieces together, I confronted him about this woman and he asked me that if he tells me that he was with another woman, will that sever all ties with us and I said yes. He then stated that yes, he had been with someone else. I asked him if he was telling me that because it was true or was he saying it because he wanted me out of his life. He then said, that he wanted me out of his life and hung up the phone.
I am a mess, I haven't slept all night, I am shaking and feel like a thousand pound weight is sitting on my chest. My God, I never ever thought that it would ever come to this. I feel like my world is crumbling around me. All of this brings me to the reality tha tI was hanging on to something that wasn't there. That he is in no way ready to really accept his problems and work his program, truly focus on himself. That is a very scary reality.
I am a mess, I haven't slept all night, I am shaking and feel like a thousand pound weight is sitting on my chest. My God, I never ever thought that it would ever come to this. I feel like my world is crumbling around me. All of this brings me to the reality tha tI was hanging on to something that wasn't there. That he is in no way ready to really accept his problems and work his program, truly focus on himself. That is a very scary reality.
Last edited by deettah; 05-04-2006 at 07:25 AM. Reason: To add details
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
I'm so sorry Deettah and I'm sending you a thousand hugs. This probably will not do you any good now and you may not want to hear it, BUT-- this is a blessing for you in disguise. I know right now that this must be absolutely gut-wrenching for you, but listen to what the man said and take it to heart. For whatever the reason, he wants to be out on his own completely. Try your damndest to pull it together and accept that fact. You CAN have a happy and productive life without him. His drama has consumed you and really drug you down. You at least now have a chance to do something GREAT with yourself and with YOUR life.
Give yourself time to cry and be sad, but don't let this destroy you. I'm praying for you and am not undermining your pain. I know that the pains in life do lessen greatly with time though. Please hang in there girl.
Give yourself time to cry and be sad, but don't let this destroy you. I'm praying for you and am not undermining your pain. I know that the pains in life do lessen greatly with time though. Please hang in there girl.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
I have learned the hard way when an alcoholic is talking...listen.
I could have saved myself so much pain had I listened to my ex.
Instead I wrote it off as drunken talk, the alcohol in itself speaking.
Even days when he was sober I would blame it on the alcohol.
I was sick and in denial.
Once I started to get healthy I listened to my then fiancee closely.
It was finally clear to me what he wanted.
It was a hard lesson to learn but alcoholic or not
when someone is telling you something listen,
especially if it's something you don't want to hear.
I could have saved myself so much pain had I listened to my ex.
Instead I wrote it off as drunken talk, the alcohol in itself speaking.
Even days when he was sober I would blame it on the alcohol.
I was sick and in denial.
Once I started to get healthy I listened to my then fiancee closely.
It was finally clear to me what he wanted.
It was a hard lesson to learn but alcoholic or not
when someone is telling you something listen,
especially if it's something you don't want to hear.
Followtheyellowbrickroad
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Staples, MN
Posts: 104
He told me that he did it to sever all ties, because he was afraid of what the future might hold for us, so he took it into his own hands. His sponsor told him that he was "playing God" and that what he did was counter productive, that he never should have acted on his emotions, he should have just waited. God, why couldn't he have done that?
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
He did it the way he did it for selfish reasons. It is not you.
If anything that I experienced and that I can pass along and want it to be known fully it is this...
It is not you
It is not your fault
It has nothing to do with anything you did or didn't do.
Will this sever all ties?
Yes
and his thought becomes...Good, she is breaking up the marriage not me.
Pure selfish reason. Just one more time of him blaming others for his own actions.
You make the choice and say go and he feels he can walk away saying you did it. Denial and selfishness that he will use to fend off any guilt that he may have.
It is not your fault.
If anything that I experienced and that I can pass along and want it to be known fully it is this...
It is not you
It is not your fault
It has nothing to do with anything you did or didn't do.
Will this sever all ties?
Yes
and his thought becomes...Good, she is breaking up the marriage not me.
Pure selfish reason. Just one more time of him blaming others for his own actions.
You make the choice and say go and he feels he can walk away saying you did it. Denial and selfishness that he will use to fend off any guilt that he may have.
It is not your fault.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: dysfunction junction,nc
Posts: 381
((((((deetah))))))
My heart goes out to you . I am so sorry that you are hurting. My best advice to you is to just back away for the moment and give all involved time to figure out what is what. Sometimes certain situations are hard to figure out and certainly trying to figure out why an alcoholic does what they do can be very exhausting. just for today leave it where it is. Tomorrow may be brighter. take one day at a time.
Take care. I've been there.
2many2count
My heart goes out to you . I am so sorry that you are hurting. My best advice to you is to just back away for the moment and give all involved time to figure out what is what. Sometimes certain situations are hard to figure out and certainly trying to figure out why an alcoholic does what they do can be very exhausting. just for today leave it where it is. Tomorrow may be brighter. take one day at a time.
Take care. I've been there.
2many2count
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by deettah
He told me that he did it to sever all ties, because he was afraid of what the future might hold for us, so he took it into his own hands. His sponsor told him that he was "playing God" and that what he did was counter productive, that he never should have acted on his emotions, he should have just waited. God, why couldn't he have done that?
I understand what you are going through. Last June my AH and I went on a weekend getaway. Tensions over his drinking had been building for quite a while and his behaviors were getting worse and worse. I had started going to Alanon by then, but he was not aware of that. During that trip he asked me if I though we could save our marriage. I said I hoped so and I kid you not, I thought he was going to pass out on the street from relief - he almost started crying.
By August things had really gotten bad - his behavior - and I knew it was time for me to talk about my recovery, Alanon, etc. I never even got to the fact that I knew about the latest one night stand - when I told him about Alanon he said he wanted a divorce. I asked him to move out, which he did. Six weeks later he filed the divorce papers.
I am very thankful by that point I had some recovery under my belt, because I would have gone crazy. One of the last things he said to me was "just tell me what to do and I'll do it. You're the only person on earth I can talk to."
Do you see where I'm going with this? He was and is all over the place. It was then I finally understood what everyone had been telling me - the quacking, the grandiosity, the fear, irrationality, everything alcoholic.
I also knew I had to let go. I had a number of people - my doctor, my therapist and my sponsor - all say to me this was a blessing in disguise. I didn't want to hear it - but today I know that is true. Here is why. I am in a healthier and saner place than I have been in 15 years. My AH has his best chance of doing the same.
People have said - and I believe this is true - if the relationship is meant to be, not even a divorce can keep 2 people apart. I will say that in the last 6 months I have gotten healthier and that matters to me less. Yes, I love my AH and I mourn the death of our relationship. I hate this disease.
I want you to know I understand how you are feeling. I went through everything you talk about in your original post - including the 1000 lb weight and incredible fear. You are going to have some tough days ahead but you can get through it. What outside help are you utilizing?
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
(((deetah)))
I think you will find that you are not alone in this experience. It personally didn't happen to me, but I have read and heard it many times. It seems that sometimes when the spouse gets even a small amount of recovery under their belt, there is a tiny ***** in their denial and they realise that the game's up and it's time to move onto someone who will not challenge their status quo in terms of drinking.
It really is a tragic situation, but I hope in time that you will view this as a blessing in disguise and that you can move forward into your new life. Lean on us whilst you grive, though.
*edit* I cannot BELIEVE that c h i n k got automatically edited!
I think you will find that you are not alone in this experience. It personally didn't happen to me, but I have read and heard it many times. It seems that sometimes when the spouse gets even a small amount of recovery under their belt, there is a tiny ***** in their denial and they realise that the game's up and it's time to move onto someone who will not challenge their status quo in terms of drinking.
It really is a tragic situation, but I hope in time that you will view this as a blessing in disguise and that you can move forward into your new life. Lean on us whilst you grive, though.
*edit* I cannot BELIEVE that c h i n k got automatically edited!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Hi again deetah:
I went back and pulled this post of yours from yesterday. You do know the reality of the situation; keep in mind that you have had a huge shock today:
"I know exactly how you feel. I want so badly for someone to tell me that there is hope but at the same time I know that we both have alot of recovery and healing to do, especially since there is children involved. I love my husband very much, but do I love him enough to detach and let him heal, do I love myself enough to let myself heal? If that's what we need, then yes I do. I need to learn to take this one day at a time and learn that this is something that I have no control over. The only thing I have control over is Me and the welfare of my son. If we find our way back to eachother, then I hope that we will be strong in that, and never let it fall by the wayside again. In the meantime, I need to prepare myself for the VERY real possibility that we will not be together. My AH and I have been seperated for two months tomorrow and I spent much of that time angry and not dealing with the core issue. I need to remember that I don't want to go back to what was happening in my life, and that needs to be the forefront thought in my mind. Nothing else."
I went back and pulled this post of yours from yesterday. You do know the reality of the situation; keep in mind that you have had a huge shock today:
"I know exactly how you feel. I want so badly for someone to tell me that there is hope but at the same time I know that we both have alot of recovery and healing to do, especially since there is children involved. I love my husband very much, but do I love him enough to detach and let him heal, do I love myself enough to let myself heal? If that's what we need, then yes I do. I need to learn to take this one day at a time and learn that this is something that I have no control over. The only thing I have control over is Me and the welfare of my son. If we find our way back to eachother, then I hope that we will be strong in that, and never let it fall by the wayside again. In the meantime, I need to prepare myself for the VERY real possibility that we will not be together. My AH and I have been seperated for two months tomorrow and I spent much of that time angry and not dealing with the core issue. I need to remember that I don't want to go back to what was happening in my life, and that needs to be the forefront thought in my mind. Nothing else."
Followtheyellowbrickroad
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Staples, MN
Posts: 104
Thank you all for your support and reminders. I am tetering on an edge here. I still believe what I wrote yesterday, the difference is that for me, sex outside of our marital union is unforgivable. Now I KNOW that there is no getting back to us. He has given me the key I needed to force me to have nothing left to focus on but myself. I have been in black denial about the state of the marriage. There was nothing left to hang onto, he made sure of that.
Followtheyellowbrickroad
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Staples, MN
Posts: 104
Denny, so far the outside help I have had came last night after "The Phone Call". I have been invited to attent an open Al-Anon meeting on Monday in a nearby town from a woman I found by accident. I plan on attending weekly from this point on. I know I need it. This sadness is eating me alive and I need to find the will to keep my head above water right now.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Sometimes somthing awful happens that forces us to focus on ourselves.
What he did was selfish and hurtful and yes to me it would also be
unforgivable. Everything happens for a reason. I would be grateful that
he has come clean as quickly as he has instead of denying and lying.
To me not knowing and being lied to about it is more painful.
I am sorry you are hurting......
What he did was selfish and hurtful and yes to me it would also be
unforgivable. Everything happens for a reason. I would be grateful that
he has come clean as quickly as he has instead of denying and lying.
To me not knowing and being lied to about it is more painful.
I am sorry you are hurting......
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
i'm glad you're going to try a meeting, deetah. it's been great for me and i hope it is for you, too. even though sex outside the marriage is unforgivable for you, that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. i know. take good care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
He did it so he could sever all ties? That is one of the most idiotic things I've heard.....He did it so you'd "get the picture"? Well isn't he so smart? NO, he did it because he wanted to, because he lacks moral fiber....that is such a dumb excuse. You know what else? It is an excuse with an out. It's a way to keep you hanging because then, when he's ready to be "so sorry" he can have an excuse that you would buy. Oh poor him. Damn, this really angers me and I realize it makes me angry because of my own stuff, so just know that up front.
My ah has had other women but he doesn't admit it, he'll deny it to the end. If I didn't personally "see it" he thinks there is a way out of it. If he says he didn't do it, then he didn't do it in his eyes.
You know what deettah, guys like this are so predictiable. Your sitting there shaking in your shoes, hurting and panicking....I've done this to. But believe you me, the second you start showing some strength by not contacting him, faking fine if you have too, his attutide towars you will change. It's a stupid little game. He won't change of course, but he'll certainly try to get his hooks back in.
For your sake, for your sons sake, tak ethe above advice. Be sad but keep your dignity and stay away from him. You'll only feel worse if you give into "trying" as he pushes you away. Don't even contact him....I bet in no time the phone calls from him will start for stupid little reasons....be strong enough to not answer or even respond.
My ah has had other women but he doesn't admit it, he'll deny it to the end. If I didn't personally "see it" he thinks there is a way out of it. If he says he didn't do it, then he didn't do it in his eyes.
You know what deettah, guys like this are so predictiable. Your sitting there shaking in your shoes, hurting and panicking....I've done this to. But believe you me, the second you start showing some strength by not contacting him, faking fine if you have too, his attutide towars you will change. It's a stupid little game. He won't change of course, but he'll certainly try to get his hooks back in.
For your sake, for your sons sake, tak ethe above advice. Be sad but keep your dignity and stay away from him. You'll only feel worse if you give into "trying" as he pushes you away. Don't even contact him....I bet in no time the phone calls from him will start for stupid little reasons....be strong enough to not answer or even respond.
Followtheyellowbrickroad
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Staples, MN
Posts: 104
Thanks Sunshine. I feel like kindrid spirits with so many of you and I know that it's because we are all living this atom bomb of a disease. And I know you are right. He will use it as an excuse, he will call and he will profess how sorry he is. He can go cry on her shoulder now. No one is going to pull me out of this but myself. I know that I AM STRONGER THAN THIS, I will get my cry out I will be P*ssed, and I hope sooner rather than later, I will go on without him a better, healthier version of myself. HUGS to all of you!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
(((Deetah)))
Alanon is going to be a wonderful support for you..get a phone list at the meeting and call...
Although I wasn't married my relationship with my exabf was hell...
he called after we broke up..until he found someone else..even then he called a few times..
Alanon helped me heal and move forward.
stay strong..he will call again..and try to come back..NO contact is usually the best.
Alanon is going to be a wonderful support for you..get a phone list at the meeting and call...
Although I wasn't married my relationship with my exabf was hell...
he called after we broke up..until he found someone else..even then he called a few times..
Alanon helped me heal and move forward.
stay strong..he will call again..and try to come back..NO contact is usually the best.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by deettah
Thanks Sunshine. I feel like kindrid spirits with so many of you and I know that it's because we are all living this atom bomb of a disease. And I know you are right. He will use it as an excuse, he will call and he will profess how sorry he is. He can go cry on her shoulder now. No one is going to pull me out of this but myself. I know that I AM STRONGER THAN THIS, I will get my cry out I will be P*ssed, and I hope sooner rather than later, I will go on without him a better, healthier version of myself. HUGS to all of you!
deettah
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
great attitude deettah, even if it stings and hurts like hell. I promise you things will get better if you'll let them. Remember what he's said to you, what he admitted when you feel yourself getting weak and wanting to call him. Because you're going to want to call him....DON'T. He wants it over, give it to him. Come here and post when you get that urge, let us talk you out of it. You will feel so much worse if you give into those desperate moments.
Maybe he'll change and find his way. But go on with your life, one day at a time, for now, assuming that isn't going to happen.
Sorry I got so annoyed with what he said to you, it's just so darn immature and so arrogant of him to give that reason/excuse.
One day, you will heal from this. You'l move on and find some wonderful man to share your time with. You'll look back at this and understand the difference between love and what you're thinking you're feeling right now.
Maybe he'll change and find his way. But go on with your life, one day at a time, for now, assuming that isn't going to happen.
Sorry I got so annoyed with what he said to you, it's just so darn immature and so arrogant of him to give that reason/excuse.
One day, you will heal from this. You'l move on and find some wonderful man to share your time with. You'll look back at this and understand the difference between love and what you're thinking you're feeling right now.
Not a bad place to be....
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: LOUISIANA
Posts: 179
Originally Posted by sunshine003
He did it so he could sever all ties? That is one of the most idiotic things I've heard.....He did it so you'd "get the picture"? Well isn't he so smart? NO, he did it because he wanted to, because he lacks moral fiber....that is such a dumb excuse. You know what else? It is an excuse with an out. It's a way to keep you hanging because then, when he's ready to be "so sorry" he can have an excuse that you would buy. Oh poor him. Damn, this really angers me and I realize it makes me angry because of my own stuff, so just know that up front.
My ah has had other women but he doesn't admit it, he'll deny it to the end. If I didn't personally "see it" he thinks there is a way out of it. If he says he didn't do it, then he didn't do it in his eyes.
You know what deettah, guys like this are so predictiable. Your sitting there shaking in your shoes, hurting and panicking....I've done this to. But believe you me, the second you start showing some strength by not contacting him, faking fine if you have too, his attutide towars you will change. It's a stupid little game. He won't change of course, but he'll certainly try to get his hooks back in.
For your sake, for your sons sake, tak ethe above advice. Be sad but keep your dignity and stay away from him. You'll only feel worse if you give into "trying" as he pushes you away. Don't even contact him....I bet in no time the phone calls from him will start for stupid little reasons....be strong enough to not answer or even respond.
My ah has had other women but he doesn't admit it, he'll deny it to the end. If I didn't personally "see it" he thinks there is a way out of it. If he says he didn't do it, then he didn't do it in his eyes.
You know what deettah, guys like this are so predictiable. Your sitting there shaking in your shoes, hurting and panicking....I've done this to. But believe you me, the second you start showing some strength by not contacting him, faking fine if you have too, his attutide towars you will change. It's a stupid little game. He won't change of course, but he'll certainly try to get his hooks back in.
For your sake, for your sons sake, tak ethe above advice. Be sad but keep your dignity and stay away from him. You'll only feel worse if you give into "trying" as he pushes you away. Don't even contact him....I bet in no time the phone calls from him will start for stupid little reasons....be strong enough to not answer or even respond.
This is sooooo true! deetah if you will go back and read all of my posts for the past couple of months, you will see the predictable behavior patterns. You haven't lost him yet, which may be a good or bad thing in your view. Give him about three days of no contact and don't answer his calls and he'll be begging you for the slightest bit of attention in a few days. It always happens. My AH is living with another woman and is still trying to keep me hanging on. One day he wants to be with me, the next day he doesn't because he says he's afraid he'll hurt me again. I'd hate to be in his skin right now and I'm much happier being in mine right now, because although its not all peaceful, the good days are now getting to outnumber the bad ones because thankfully my AH has brought his crap into someone else's life, but definitely keeps trying to get back and forth into mine, but now he's not looking so great anymore. Thank God. It has taken a lot of pain to get here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by bluebayou
Give him about three days of no contact and don't answer his calls and he'll be begging you for the slightest bit of attention in a few days. It always happens.
Good luck!
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