megamysterioso

Hey Deettah-- almost mentioned that in my response to you the first time, but I didn't want to sound like I was "hoping" for it. LOL. You can bet your bippy that this man will try and "apologize" for this down the road. When things aren't going so great or he all the sudden feels vulnerable and confused, who's door will go running to???

If he truly is "done" then what a blessing!! Really. If not and the above happens, I hope you can stay strong. Give him what he asked for today. You'll thank yourself later. Keep coming here for support--- we're all here for you! Hugs.

denny57

hey mega

good advice. i didn't mean to imply that he won't show up one day - i think you're right about that. my therapist thinks you're right. our friends think you're right. my doctor thinks you're right!!!! LOL

i was just getting at work recovery for your own sake not for anything from him

loristreily

Girl, look up to Dear God and thank him for this blessing. It gives you time to get strong and him time to get his thought and actions in order and try to come clean and sober. You need to come to the realization that he at this time is lost, and needs to lose all good things in his life to drugs and alcohol and hit rock bottom, before he decides to sober up. believe me this is for the best. This is truly God's gift to you, this is what is meant to be.And remember "This Too Shall Pass...

deettah

Well it didn't take 3 days guys. It took about 3 hours. He came to the house feeling terrible because his sponsor told him what an unhealthy thing he had done. I gave him a copy of that excerpt from The Language of Letting Go called "Wait" and he took it hard. He left here a mess but he didn not ask for forgivness. Infact he said he knew that he didn't deserve and wouldn't ask for it. I told him to go call his sponsor and that I would support his getting healthy but not at the cost of mine and that I would not be here waiting.

Cynay

*hugs*

I know its hard but well done.

I dont know that currently you have to "support" anything when it comes to him. I have to think its all part of his bottom and recovery and that you have really been given a blessing.

My ex did the exact 180 to me many times.... the last time was my bottom with him, when I said goodby that time I changed my phone number and have never talked to him again.

megamysterioso

Good for you Deettah. Your strength is shining through and you will make it. Try and have a good night. De-stress with a nice hot bubble bath or something like that. Treat yourself well b/c you really do deserve it.

denny57

Well done, Deettah. It isn't easy, but it's worth it. Take very, very good care of yourself.

deettah

Thank you, I absolutely love you guys and I know that I would not have made it through this day without you!

Rhino Gal

Oh I have soooo been where you are Deetah! Ugh! After I found out about one of his affairs, Astbx (That's my Alcoholic soon-to-be-ex husband) told me that he was "Preparing himself" to leave me. Lo and behold, that very night he was ooh so remorseful and wanted to make our relationship "work" again.

I stayed with him for at least a year after that. Double ugh!

On the morning when I filed for divorce, he had been out all night and called me at 5:00 a.m. to tell me that his "music career" (a garage band) and his "occupation" (staying home getting drunk mostly) were more important to him than our marriage. I said "Thank you for being so honest with me", hung up the phone and pulled myself together and went to the court house. Later that day he came home, acting like everything was all peachy. I handed him the papers and said "You've been served."

The next few weeks were crazier and crazier- his cycle of insanity was getting shorter and shorter. I finally had to get a restraining order as he was becoming increasingly threatening. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but without the RO, I know he would still be coming around here, flip-flopping from "love" to hate, and my recovery would be at a standstill.

No contact whatsoever with him has been my key to finding ME and working through my destructive enabling patterns.

Hugs to ya sweetie!

Pick-a-name

I'm so sorry......I've had this happen,too......HE (my AH) filed for divorce but STILL denies OW....just plain wierd.......no; their minds are pickled.

Good advice above. Hard as it is, try to ignore him...... There is no making sense of what they are doing and where they are "coming from"....seriously, I doubt they have a clue. I quit even mentioning what we were doing for Holidays (which is hard for me..we have been married 27 yrs) and all the sudden AH is interested. I didn't even "invite" mine to Easter this year, and the for the first time in three years he showed up at my sister's and spent the day. It is true....the dynamics of the relationship can really change when the find out we are no longer asking "how high" when they say "jump". It is sometimes easier said that done, but I do believe that IS human nature.......and especially with an A and their "ego issues" even more pronounced.

"Let go and let God" is what I try toi do....over and over and over. Try to be good to yourself and remember it is not about you.....although I sure know it feels like it is. He is a very sick man.

megamysterioso

I could not agree with you more Pick-a-name. It's almost as if they have to feel somehow "one step ahead of 'the game'" or something. Very odd and seems to be a pattern.

Rhino Gal, I know it's not funny, but I must say that I laughed reading this. I loved the desciption of his "occupation." LOL. I admire your strength and moxy in dealing with that situation. I'm sure it wasn't easy at all for you at the time, but it's good to know that you can look back on it and see how it was a positive thing!!!

sunshine003

so deettah, how are we feeling today? At first, I always gave into the game...the first 2-3 days were the hardest and I couldn't quite stay away. I'd have to bang my head against the wall one more time. It's sick cuz when I'd give in, call him, we'd be "back to normal" within a day, my panic would go away instantly......only to haunt my mind what he had done, etc.

I hope you were strong last night!

megamysterioso

Hey Deettah-- I hope today is better for you as well. Please give an update when you're ready. Sunshine is right about things being able to fall "back to normal" pretty easily. They really can if you let them, but that would only be spinning the merry-go-round and you need to get off that thing entirely! Hard to stumble through life dizzy all the time- I know that feeling all too well.

deettah

How did you all know that I needed to hear that. I'm afraid I was not strong last night. I was on the phone with him from 1:30 a.m. until after 5. I went through our marriage step my step and told him our problems as I see them. He talked a good talk. I again re-iterated that we need to heal ourselves and that I didn't know if I would ever be able to forgive him. He says that he did it to chase away "my ghost" and stop thinking about me for a while. He said it didn't work. That esentially he didn't cheat because he thought we were over for good, and he was looking for warmth and something tangible since he couldn't have me.

Then I get a phone call from my mother this morning, she has no idea of the latest events, and she tells me that she knows that I have been having a hard time, and that she gets the feeling that I have been thinking about taking AH back, and that she would NEVER accept him into this family (She's very religous) and that she would sell her soul to make sure I stayed away from him. The last time my AH and I went through this my mother threatened to disown me and take away my son. She get's VERY wrapped up in herself when she's angry and can be very hurtful. I told her that she needed to let me mourn this right now and that she needn't worry. I feel kindof defensive about what she said. First of all she never accepted him in the first place, even when we weren't having problems, second, does she realize that I AM 30 YEARS OLD AND NOT A CHILD ANYMORE? Am I wrong about this. I will try to be stronger tonight. I know I can't talk to him right now. Ugh!

LaTeeDa

It sounds to me like you really need to face to face support from someone who isn't emotionally involved in the situation. Are you going to counseling or Al-anon? (Sorry if you already said)

L

pmaslan

Deettah, glad you updated us.
As a parent I can only re-act and respond to what my child tells me.
When my son has a problem I want to make it better.
Being a concerned parent doesn't stop just because our child is grown.
When I was young and married I used to call my mom crying about my H all
the time, she didn't like him to begin with so all my complaints just
solidified her resentment towards him. When my ex H and I would make up
and I would tell my mom all the good stuff she still had the bad attitude.
She didn't forget as quickly as I did....lol
I learned later in life that if I didn't want comments from my mom, I wouldn't
supply her with ammunition.

best

Ohhh how I would love to sit down with her and a bible.

Forgiveness.
7 times 70 if need be.
Love even your enemies.

If he finds recovery and works his recovery... things could work out.
Mom needs to stay out of this and that may mean...not telling her anything.
Evaluate your options. Think things through fully. Pray and then do as you feel God is guiding you.
Judge his recovery by is actions (over time) never by the words that come out of his mouth. I think you are handling things well. Your recovery is working good for you. Keep up the good work.

minnie

When I became an adult, I had to redfine my relationship with my parents, especially my Mum. Although, I have to say that I had the opposite problem and in some ways I was an adult before my time in their eyes. But I still need to put boundaries in place. My parents have had their very rocky times in their marriage and I found myself slap bang in the middle before I had any life-knowledge at all. Now though, I will listen if either needs to vent, but they know that they will always hear "You need to speak to Mum/Dad about this" before it gets too heavy. I have the choice of the relationship I have with both of them and I much prefer that it is adult-adult, with a bit of parent-child when I really need it. I know this may sound totally irrelevant to your post at first glance, but I don't believe it is. Boundaries really are important in any close relationship.

As for your mum's feelings about your husband? My Mum has far more resentment for my ex than I do. She's a momma bear protecting her cub. What if your son was in your situation? How do you think you'd react?

And may I say that the middle of the night phone calls will probably do neither of you any good. I've BTDT and never want to go through it again. Sleep deprivation is used as a torture method, ya know.

deettah

I feel like everyone around me is making my choices for me. I hate that she gives me ultimatums, I hate that this is happening in the first place. I just spoke to AH and he said thathe was on the phone with his sponsor today and that he needs to let go of the situation, accept responsability and relinquish control of where this path might lead us. He said that he will understand if I decide I can never go back to him and he will not question it. This is so frustrating and exhausting.

Cynay

*hugs*

Why dont you give yourself a couple days off and unplug that phone? Just a thought because you are letting other people break your serenity.

Last week when I was having my private roller coaster ride my sponsor suggested that I take a "time out" and take space from what I was spinning about... although I did not and the spinning stopped ... That was some wonderful advise.

Just beath and let it go for now, you are tired (no sleep) and sounds like your emotions are in a jumble. As for good old Mom... well she is a mom and I can say that I dont forgive the ones that hurt her as easily as she does sometimes.... But you will have to set boundries with her as well.

Silly as it sounds my daughter is trying to set her boundries with me, Though I dont think her decision is wise, it is not life threating so Im letting her spread her wings... Its hard to learn to support your child and not fix or take over what they are trying to do.