Hi, I'm a newcomer and confused
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Beachwood,NJ
Posts: 6
Hi, I'm a newcomer and confused
Hi..I have read a lot of threads before I got the nerve to write, and everyone seems to be so helpful. it's encouraging to know that there are so many people out there in simliar situations. This is my story. I have never had the experience of dealing with alcoholism growing up, so this is all very new to me. My fiance and I have been together for 4 years this time around, known each other for 14 years total(we were also first loves when we were 14 and that lasted almost 3 years). I knew getting back together with him that he drank heavily, but he knew that it bothered me so he had quit on his own and things between us were as close to perfect as you can get. But things started going downhill, especially the last year. I started finding empty beer cans, which of course he knew nothing about. I believed him. The distance between us grew. He became very jealous of my friends,especially my male friends. He was constantly concerned of my wherabouts and if I didn't answer my phone when he called, there was hell to pay. I knew something was different, but it was always something I did wrong that made him angry. I questioned him too much, I was "looking for something to start a fight ". I began to believe it. He was never openily drinking in front of me, but I always had that feeling that something was going on when I wasn't around. Long story short, we haven't been together for the last three months, not by my choice, because he has chosen to believe a lie about me which he honestly believes is the truth. I should also mention that he is now openily drinking heavily again. Is this common "practice",for lack of a better word, of alcoholics, to push away loved ones? To believe what isn't real? Like I said before, this is all new to me, and I've really been beating myself up over this, but have been getting a little bit better, as I've been talking to a therapist for the last month and today I talk to a pschiatrist for the first time.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by WishingOnAStar
Long story short, we haven't been together for the last three months, not by my choice, because he has chosen to believe a lie about me which he honestly believes is the truth. I should also mention that he is now openily drinking heavily again. Is this common "practice",for lack of a better word, of alcoholics, to push away loved ones? To believe what isn't real? Like I said before, this is all new to me, and I've really been beating myself up over this, but have been getting a little bit better, as I've been talking to a therapist for the last month and today I talk to a pschiatrist for the first time.
Yes, it is common. You've been reading here and you're probably getting the idea that none of his behavior is your fault. You didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it.
You have started getting help for yourself and that is great. If it's possible, try to have your therapist be one who is well versed in addictions. Have you thought about Al-Anon? I'd also suggest educating yourself as much as possible through reading and posting here.
Here is a link for Ocean County: http://www.ochd.org/ResourceDirectory.pdf
I've attended some great meetings in NJ while visiting family. I grew up not far from Beachwood - back then Toms River was "out in the sticks" and it was quite the adventure to go to my great aunt's house out in the middle of a corn field.
Good luck to you; I wish you all the best in your recovery and with your fiance.
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
Hi Wishing and welcome to SR. As Denny said, it is quite natural for addicts to push away loved ones. Addiction truly wrecks relationships. And as far as reality is concerned, theirs is a VERY distorted one that serves their own need to feed their addiction first and foremost. In all honesty, deep in his heart, he may know that the rumor is not true but might be using it as the ultimate crutch to go on a full-blown binger. It is not beyond the realm of possiblity. Speculating HIS mindframe is not worth your time though or mine! As far as that situation is concerned, so long as YOU know the truth of the matter, that is all that matters.
Although this may be painful for you now, he might be doing you the biggest favor of your life by leaving. If you were around during this binge of his, how do you think your life would be??? At least you are at a physical place where you can have peace of mind. Please continue to read and post here. Check out the link that Denny provided for you and just read, read, read. I'm sure you've seen "focus on yourself" a lot on this board since you've been reading and that is what you should do. You're headed in the right direction with your first post and counseling. All the best and hugs.
Although this may be painful for you now, he might be doing you the biggest favor of your life by leaving. If you were around during this binge of his, how do you think your life would be??? At least you are at a physical place where you can have peace of mind. Please continue to read and post here. Check out the link that Denny provided for you and just read, read, read. I'm sure you've seen "focus on yourself" a lot on this board since you've been reading and that is what you should do. You're headed in the right direction with your first post and counseling. All the best and hugs.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 13
Hi Wishing,
I can't give you any advice here like the others, because this is all new to me....too. But I CAN tell you this....you are not alone.
When my husband and I were dating there were 3 different times I caught him up on some pretty stupid things. They didn't have to do with alcohol, but he told me that when things started going right in his life...he would do things to mess them up, because he didn't feel he deserved anything good. It could have been a cop out on his part, but I sincerely believed him. It could be your AH needed a reason to start drinking again. He needed to justify his actions. So he blamed you.
Like I said before...this is all new to me, so take what I say with a grain of sand.
I can't give you any advice here like the others, because this is all new to me....too. But I CAN tell you this....you are not alone.
When my husband and I were dating there were 3 different times I caught him up on some pretty stupid things. They didn't have to do with alcohol, but he told me that when things started going right in his life...he would do things to mess them up, because he didn't feel he deserved anything good. It could have been a cop out on his part, but I sincerely believed him. It could be your AH needed a reason to start drinking again. He needed to justify his actions. So he blamed you.
Like I said before...this is all new to me, so take what I say with a grain of sand.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR.... Im glad you found us.
You know what first came to my mind..... It must be very hard for an alcoholic to pretend he is not drinking. Souncs to me like he just came to the place where here did not want to keep hiding it and sezed the first opportunity he found.
I know it probably does not feel like it now, but he might have done you a huge favor... I know my ex did. He left me 2 months after he decided to get sober, I would not have ended it then, and though I was heartbroken, confused and SO angry.... I can tell you now that it was the biggest blessing and I think God every single day.
Please pull up a seat, read read and then read. Keep posting, I look forward to getting to know you.
You know what first came to my mind..... It must be very hard for an alcoholic to pretend he is not drinking. Souncs to me like he just came to the place where here did not want to keep hiding it and sezed the first opportunity he found.
I know it probably does not feel like it now, but he might have done you a huge favor... I know my ex did. He left me 2 months after he decided to get sober, I would not have ended it then, and though I was heartbroken, confused and SO angry.... I can tell you now that it was the biggest blessing and I think God every single day.
Please pull up a seat, read read and then read. Keep posting, I look forward to getting to know you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: NC
Posts: 240
Wow, our stories are very similar. My AH was also my first love at 14 and we ended up back together years later. I too knew he was a heavy drinker and worried but believed him when he said he had it under control. We're married now 1yr, yes I married him? During our 7yr on and off relationship I'd either kick him out or he'd leave but we always ended up back together. I now know I put up with a lot of bull#@$% because I didn't think or feel I deserved better. I even took him back after he cheated on me and ended up getting her pregnant. I have unexplained infertility so that was a hard blow to take. And yes he has a relationship with his son and in his early years would get mad at me and go back to her and vise versa. What was I thinking? Obviously not about me or my self worth. I was completely obsessed with him. We moved 2yrs ago from Buffalo, Ny to Hickory,NC and he seemed to have changed. He showed me love and respect, everything I'd been waiting for so in my haste I married him.
He's recently out of rehab and 60 some days sober. He picked up an opiate habit in Feb of this year and that's what did him in, I think.
I wish I would've moved on back then but I didn't.
I still love him and am supporting him through his recovery. He attendeds meetings but it's not easy. I don't know what the future holds but this is a lot of work and I'm benefiting by learning to love and take care of myself and realizing I have choices and I don't have to be in this relationship anymore. At this time I WANT to make it work but if it don't my world will not come to a screeching halt as it did before I began to work on me. It's you who is important here. Look out for you. Take care of you. YOU are all you can control.
Best Wishes,
Michelle
He's recently out of rehab and 60 some days sober. He picked up an opiate habit in Feb of this year and that's what did him in, I think.
I wish I would've moved on back then but I didn't.
I still love him and am supporting him through his recovery. He attendeds meetings but it's not easy. I don't know what the future holds but this is a lot of work and I'm benefiting by learning to love and take care of myself and realizing I have choices and I don't have to be in this relationship anymore. At this time I WANT to make it work but if it don't my world will not come to a screeching halt as it did before I began to work on me. It's you who is important here. Look out for you. Take care of you. YOU are all you can control.
Best Wishes,
Michelle
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Yes it is very common. It is also classic for him to find a molehill and make it mountain or a lie and make the truth he needs it to be. You gave him a standard to live up to and he wasn't honest. What do you do with a lovely girlfriend when you need for her to be a witch? You turn her into one in your own mind. He can drink openly and he can make it your fault. When you were together and he was jealous and suspicious he was looking and hunting for the reasons he needed. Don't beg him to believe you or apologize anymore. I'd cut all contact .
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Beachwood,NJ
Posts: 6
A big thanks to all of you. You have all been helpful, since I have had zero experience in dealing with this. As of yesterday, I had an appointment with a psyciatrist and I am now on an anti-depressant and a sleeping pill. It was expected given the situation, but also a shock at the same time, because never had I thought that I would be diagnosed as depressed. I was always "the strong one". I have had no contact with my ex for about 3 weeks now, and that was because the last time I was talking to him face to face, he had said something that had truly hurt me (of course he was drunk), and I had just gotten into my car and left. I don't think that he had expected me to leave, but I did it and I haven't tried to call him, text him or leave him any letters. It's hard though because I pass him on the road almost every other day, and seeing him makes me very upset.
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
Well Wishing, I'm glad that you took a step in seeing a psychiatrist. There is no shame in being depressed, but I can understand how you may feel shocked about it. Hell, I never thought I could/would ever stay with a man that has done/said some of the things that my AH has--- I never wanted to be "that person" either. The important thing to remember though is that we are NOW both doing something about it.
I commend you on your courage to simply drive away and never look back. I could have done that a hundred times with my AH, but never did. I'm sure that it upsets you to see him and you may feel that you need "closure" to all of this, but I really think you need to give yourself time. The meds may really help you out of this "funk" and continuing to seek counseling will do nothing but help you. After being out on your own and getting your own help , I think the fog will start to lift a little and you will be better prepared and able to look back at everything that happened between you two. It would not surprise me at all if when this happens, you realize that you want nothing more to do with it. Stay strong and please know that you have just begun on your journey of self-discovery. Make the most of it b/c you deserve just as much loving attention as you are devoting to him.
I commend you on your courage to simply drive away and never look back. I could have done that a hundred times with my AH, but never did. I'm sure that it upsets you to see him and you may feel that you need "closure" to all of this, but I really think you need to give yourself time. The meds may really help you out of this "funk" and continuing to seek counseling will do nothing but help you. After being out on your own and getting your own help , I think the fog will start to lift a little and you will be better prepared and able to look back at everything that happened between you two. It would not surprise me at all if when this happens, you realize that you want nothing more to do with it. Stay strong and please know that you have just begun on your journey of self-discovery. Make the most of it b/c you deserve just as much loving attention as you are devoting to him.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I remember when I first went to my therapist, she said she was going to put me down as depressed - the most severe kind without being suicidal. WHAT????? I knew I was a little down about what was going on in my life, but I was shocked she was diagnosing me as so depressed. All these months later I understand now I was so deep in my depression that I had come to accept it as "just the way my life was." In a very strange way, it has helped me understand the concept of denial, both for me and my AH. It's not like I was walking around all the time saying "I'm not depressed" and so was in denial about it. It just never occurred to me that I WAS depressed.
I'm sorry you're so upset about seeing him without speaking. I know how difficult and painful that is. Try to take it one day at a time - your therapist will be very helpful in this area.
Keep posting.
I'm sorry you're so upset about seeing him without speaking. I know how difficult and painful that is. Try to take it one day at a time - your therapist will be very helpful in this area.
Keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Is there some way to Not see him everyday, maybe leave earlier or take another route?
The last time I talked to my ex it was the same type of deal, I had enough, hung up and changed my phone number. I did not want to be that crazy person either so I went to Al-anon and started my recovery.
Today I can see my part in all of it but the end result is I will NOT do that again, Im SO blessed he is not a part of my life today... give yourself time and pack your like with recovery and good things... It will not hurt as long as you probably fear right now.
The last time I talked to my ex it was the same type of deal, I had enough, hung up and changed my phone number. I did not want to be that crazy person either so I went to Al-anon and started my recovery.
Today I can see my part in all of it but the end result is I will NOT do that again, Im SO blessed he is not a part of my life today... give yourself time and pack your like with recovery and good things... It will not hurt as long as you probably fear right now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Beachwood,NJ
Posts: 6
As far as me passing him on the road, it's just been pure coincidences at different times of the day and in different places.
I know that this is only the beginning for me and that I have a long road ahead of me, but for some strange reason, last night and today have been extremely hard for me. I have had these thoughts, like what if he has been telling the truth the whole time and he really did start drinking again because of what happened? And that I am the one who drove him away, from my accusing and snooping around to see if there are any new empty cans and whatnot. That I've been making it all up in my head? It all sounds so foolish, but I can't get these thoughts out of my head.
Sorry, I just needed to vent.
I know that this is only the beginning for me and that I have a long road ahead of me, but for some strange reason, last night and today have been extremely hard for me. I have had these thoughts, like what if he has been telling the truth the whole time and he really did start drinking again because of what happened? And that I am the one who drove him away, from my accusing and snooping around to see if there are any new empty cans and whatnot. That I've been making it all up in my head? It all sounds so foolish, but I can't get these thoughts out of my head.
Sorry, I just needed to vent.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by WishingOnAStar
That I've been making it all up in my head? It all sounds so foolish, but I can't get these thoughts out of my head.
Sorry, I just needed to vent.
Sorry, I just needed to vent.
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
Keep posting!
Last edited by denny57; 05-04-2006 at 10:09 AM. Reason: sp
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
It's natural to have those doubts and questions, but as Denny said, if you work on your own recovery, you will learn how to cope with these feelings in a productive way. You are not to blame and trust me on that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Beachwood,NJ
Posts: 6
I am seeing a therapist. I would love to go to an al-anon meeting but I haven't done too much research on them as far as when, where, what times they meet, etc...Can anyone tell me if they have ever read any books that might be helpful to me and would like to pass along the names of those books? I love to read and I figure the more I am informed, the better.
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
Truly so far for me (still pretty new at this), the best reading I've done on this is at www.empoweredrecovery.com (there is a free e-book for download). Try that site and download that book. I promise that you'll get something out of it. It helped me tremendously and it's something you can do now. Have a good night. 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by WishingOnAStar
I am seeing a therapist. I would love to go to an al-anon meeting but I haven't done too much research on them as far as when, where, what times they meet, etc...Can anyone tell me if they have ever read any books that might be helpful to me and would like to pass along the names of those books? I love to read and I figure the more I am informed, the better.
http://www.ochd.org/ResourceDirectory.pdf
A-related books I like:
Under the Influence
Beyond the Influence
I'll Quit Tomorrow
Drinking, A Love Story
Marriage on the Rocks
Co-Dependent No More
A Ghost in the Closet
Good luck!
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