4 years out the window
chel918
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: any place that makes me smile
Posts: 24
4 years out the window
:Flush:
I have been clean for 4 years and last night I had to go out and blow it! I met some friends for dinner, we had a few drinks and the next thing you know I'm standing there straw in nose!! STUPID!! I don't know what I was thinking!!! So I've spent my day beating myself up, having anxiety attacks and wishing I could crawl under a rock. My boyfriend doesn't understand the addiction factor- that it's more than a simple weakness. He says just don't do it........ well doesn't he think if I could just not do it I would !!! I moved to another state so I wouldn't know or have connections and to lead a clean life. In my 4 years I've done so much and this one incident has made me feel like I"m losing my mind! I was a substance abuse counselor!!! I should and do know better..........
prayers please!!!!!
Thanks for listening.......... if anyone has any advice on how to get my boyfriend to understand how I feel please let me know. He did drugs for a while and just doesn't have that addiction chromosome or whatever makes us addicts. I never thought I'd have to see day 1 again!
I have been clean for 4 years and last night I had to go out and blow it! I met some friends for dinner, we had a few drinks and the next thing you know I'm standing there straw in nose!! STUPID!! I don't know what I was thinking!!! So I've spent my day beating myself up, having anxiety attacks and wishing I could crawl under a rock. My boyfriend doesn't understand the addiction factor- that it's more than a simple weakness. He says just don't do it........ well doesn't he think if I could just not do it I would !!! I moved to another state so I wouldn't know or have connections and to lead a clean life. In my 4 years I've done so much and this one incident has made me feel like I"m losing my mind! I was a substance abuse counselor!!! I should and do know better..........
prayers please!!!!!
Thanks for listening.......... if anyone has any advice on how to get my boyfriend to understand how I feel please let me know. He did drugs for a while and just doesn't have that addiction chromosome or whatever makes us addicts. I never thought I'd have to see day 1 again!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Union Mo
Posts: 655
Oh I am so sorry. I am speechless. All I can say right now is that I am so glad you have had the courage to admit it, and pick yourself up off the floor. Its ok. Give your boyfriend time to heal just like you need to. Relapse is part of addiction. Its whether you learn from it. You cant run from addiction. It is with you with every day.
Lots of love and hugs to you, Gwen
Lots of love and hugs to you, Gwen
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
No, I don't have answers to your BF's understanding.
Maybe he understands or is more compassionate than you think.
He is being surportive....what else did you want to hear from him?
Would you rather hear other critical adbrasive stuff comes out of his mouth ?
You know as will as I do he didn't make you drink and He can't
make you stop. The disease is getting you to de focus from whats happening.
The focus in on your BF with a negative perception and not
focusing on you just going back to a meeting or your recovery.
Oki doki....in the chapter of relapse an recovery.
"YOU RATHER SAVE YOUR FACE OR YOU RATHER SAVE YOUR ASS"
You feel the nucelar blast yet ???
Today is all we're ever going to have. Oneday at a time.
And you didn't loose your four years , that can never be taken from you.
You earn it, you lived it, you experince it.
Okay, so you're getting a deeper understanding of incurable.
The disease it cunning, baffling and powerful.
And you hear it ...it lays in wait.
We have a dailey reprieve of our spiritual maintenance.
may I remind you.....You're in the grip of the disease at the moment.
It's telling ya, that you're a total looser and a major F@#k up, the
committe is in full swing and is filling your head with negatives messages.
So you might go out and use again. So it's not clear.
GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK !!!!!!
Anywho...before you go off the deep in....
I was 11 years clean & sober and relapsed into drinking for a couple
of weeks.
YA know...you & I, we are some luckie souls and something must be
watching over us. Most peaple just keep on going and going and
never make it back. How greatful you we be..lol
that just food for thoughts.
On the bright side now you'll have extra sets of key chains.lol
God bless and I'll keep you in my prayers.
Maybe he understands or is more compassionate than you think.
He is being surportive....what else did you want to hear from him?
Would you rather hear other critical adbrasive stuff comes out of his mouth ?
You know as will as I do he didn't make you drink and He can't
make you stop. The disease is getting you to de focus from whats happening.
The focus in on your BF with a negative perception and not
focusing on you just going back to a meeting or your recovery.
Oki doki....in the chapter of relapse an recovery.
"YOU RATHER SAVE YOUR FACE OR YOU RATHER SAVE YOUR ASS"
You feel the nucelar blast yet ???
Today is all we're ever going to have. Oneday at a time.
And you didn't loose your four years , that can never be taken from you.
You earn it, you lived it, you experince it.
Okay, so you're getting a deeper understanding of incurable.
The disease it cunning, baffling and powerful.
And you hear it ...it lays in wait.
We have a dailey reprieve of our spiritual maintenance.
may I remind you.....You're in the grip of the disease at the moment.
It's telling ya, that you're a total looser and a major F@#k up, the
committe is in full swing and is filling your head with negatives messages.
So you might go out and use again. So it's not clear.
GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK !!!!!!
Anywho...before you go off the deep in....
I was 11 years clean & sober and relapsed into drinking for a couple
of weeks.
YA know...you & I, we are some luckie souls and something must be
watching over us. Most peaple just keep on going and going and
never make it back. How greatful you we be..lol
that just food for thoughts.
On the bright side now you'll have extra sets of key chains.lol
God bless and I'll keep you in my prayers.
chel918
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: any place that makes me smile
Posts: 24
Thanks for the prayers and listening to me. I don't blame anyone but myself and yes Sa TIT that committee is in FULL SWING with the messages. When I read your message I was so pissed beacuse you are so right!!!!! I'm not blaming my BF at all, he's a wonderful guy.We are lucky souls to still be alive.
Thanks again....
Thanks again....
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Hey there!
It's okay. You just had a slip, that's all. Just keep moving forward, keep going. Don't get sucked up in this slip. Let it just be that, and move on.
Hang in there, don't beat yourself up, it's not worth it.
Keep Posting!
Glad you are here.
DWI
It's okay. You just had a slip, that's all. Just keep moving forward, keep going. Don't get sucked up in this slip. Let it just be that, and move on.
Hang in there, don't beat yourself up, it's not worth it.
Keep Posting!
Glad you are here.
DWI
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
Here's another perspective.
You know how some couples have problems with recovery
becuase they get into each other's progam.
Will...you're BF is staying out of your recovery and not being
co-dependent. Maybe he dosen't fully understand it. But at least
he's not doing the unhealthy things of tell'ing ya how to work your
program.
You know how some couples have problems with recovery
becuase they get into each other's progam.
Will...you're BF is staying out of your recovery and not being
co-dependent. Maybe he dosen't fully understand it. But at least
he's not doing the unhealthy things of tell'ing ya how to work your
program.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: fumbling towards ecstasy
Posts: 2,551
Yeahme - glad to see you back here posting.
You mention drinking before the straw mysteriously got up your nose. I am wondering if the drinking is the reason for the relapse?
I learned the hard way that clean means being sober, too, and sober means being clean. If I put a mind altering drug into my body, it's a slippery slope that always leads my back to my DOC.
Just some thoughts...
You haven't lost your 4 years, you know what to do. I hope you keep posting and recommit to your program. I am sorry for your slip and I hope you make it a lesson learned that you can pass on to others.
You mention drinking before the straw mysteriously got up your nose. I am wondering if the drinking is the reason for the relapse?
I learned the hard way that clean means being sober, too, and sober means being clean. If I put a mind altering drug into my body, it's a slippery slope that always leads my back to my DOC.
Just some thoughts...
You haven't lost your 4 years, you know what to do. I hope you keep posting and recommit to your program. I am sorry for your slip and I hope you make it a lesson learned that you can pass on to others.
chel918
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: any place that makes me smile
Posts: 24
Woke up this morning with the first thought being, I can't drink! I've never had a problem with drinking (or at least I didn't think so) but now I realize that it has become my new nightmare. I use to be able to have one or 2 and be done..... not now. SO......... I really have to get my act back together, I hadn't realized that it has been slowly falling apart until this morning when I woke up. I guess I need to rename this my journal....lol
Thanks for all your wonderful feedback. It does wonders. And I will be going to find a group here, haven't done that yet. Maybe that's the reason for all my slips.
Thanks for all your wonderful feedback. It does wonders. And I will be going to find a group here, haven't done that yet. Maybe that's the reason for all my slips.
Stacy
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Hyde Park
Posts: 4
Everything will be fine as long as you keep moving forward. you need to take it as a learning experience and realize that there is something bigger in store for you but its not going to happen on your time. About that boyfriend thing maybe you could try taking him to a meeting. Just a suggestion...... youre in my prayers. Thank you for ahving that courage to admit it and letting me know that it doesnt get any better out there You just kept me clean another day is that means anything.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Chapel Hill, NC
Posts: 2,274
I think this setback could pave the way for some important realizations for you. My advice (take it or leave it):
1. People who problems with drugs usually also have problems with alcohol. Alcohol is a drug! It was not my favorite drug, but I certainly abused it and it would lead me back to other drugs.
2. You didn't mention anything about some of the main tools of recovery: meetings, sponsorship, stepwork, fellowship with clean people, service work. Were you doing these things? Now is a good time to start.
3. People who are drug/alcohol counselors are not immune. Indeed, the people I have known in these professions have found that they need to make a special commitment toward their own recovery.
Good luck to you!
1. People who problems with drugs usually also have problems with alcohol. Alcohol is a drug! It was not my favorite drug, but I certainly abused it and it would lead me back to other drugs.
2. You didn't mention anything about some of the main tools of recovery: meetings, sponsorship, stepwork, fellowship with clean people, service work. Were you doing these things? Now is a good time to start.
3. People who are drug/alcohol counselors are not immune. Indeed, the people I have known in these professions have found that they need to make a special commitment toward their own recovery.
Good luck to you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: KCMO
Posts: 102
REZ hit it right on the money. I almost got the impression you downplay'd the drinking you did that night and focused solely on the straw in your nose - when it was more then likely the drinkin setup ya up! I tried coming off plenty and be 'normal' by hanging around my drinking buddies but it was always the same situ. - not happy enuf just drinking now I need some drugs. i've found the only way to remove temptation is to quit all mood altering chemicals completely
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: KCMO
Posts: 102
"I moved to another state so I wouldn't know or have connections and to lead a clean life. In my 4 years I've done so much and this one incident has made me feel like I"m losing my mind! I was a substance abuse counselor!!! I should and do know better.......... "
I tried this geographical cure as well, for those exact same reasons, and things went well for a time - but all that **** slowly crept back into my life, under the most trivial circumstances that weren't even detectable to me at the time, and I ended up being worse off then I was before I moved. Changing yourself and your way of thinking are the only way to freedom
I tried this geographical cure as well, for those exact same reasons, and things went well for a time - but all that **** slowly crept back into my life, under the most trivial circumstances that weren't even detectable to me at the time, and I ended up being worse off then I was before I moved. Changing yourself and your way of thinking are the only way to freedom
chel918
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: any place that makes me smile
Posts: 24
I went to the on line meeting last night with Phinny and it was great. I also went to a NA meeting today, met some really great people. I do realize that the drinking is definitely a bad idea and I can't have just one like everyone else. I had gotten over confident and I see that now. But......... today was a beautiful day. I'm back to my senses (so to speak, as much as possible) 
and believe me I will stick with the program and not think I can do this on my own. I know my boyfriend will never truly understand, we've had a long talk and he's got a better understanding of why I have to be kept out of certain situations, but I am ultimately the one to keep myself on the right track.
This may be a crazy question but do I have to start my sobriety date all over again?? Am I on day 4 now instead of year 4?
and believe me I will stick with the program and not think I can do this on my own. I know my boyfriend will never truly understand, we've had a long talk and he's got a better understanding of why I have to be kept out of certain situations, but I am ultimately the one to keep myself on the right track. This may be a crazy question but do I have to start my sobriety date all over again?? Am I on day 4 now instead of year 4?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Chapel Hill, NC
Posts: 2,274
Yeahme:
I'm glad you're doing what you need to do. Yes, it may be humiliating, but ultimately you will feel better about what you're doing (honest, sincere) if you start over. A drug is a drug. Besides, it sounds like you really need to get back to basics. The 4 years you had is not wasted--you proved to yourself that you can stay clean--but it is time for a fresh start and a new commitment.
I'm glad you're doing what you need to do. Yes, it may be humiliating, but ultimately you will feel better about what you're doing (honest, sincere) if you start over. A drug is a drug. Besides, it sounds like you really need to get back to basics. The 4 years you had is not wasted--you proved to yourself that you can stay clean--but it is time for a fresh start and a new commitment.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
Lol....ya know... I asked that question too. yeahme...too.
***-on give me a break..I only got drunk at my house for 2 weeks,
didn't get into trouble or lost my job or none of that crazy stuff.
I went back to NA and didn't say a word for 3 weeks.
2 more weeks to find where all the elders was hiding out.lol
It was eating me up inside and I couldn't stand it anymore.
It didn't really had anything to do with anybody, else.
Being honest with myself then being honest with other...holy schmoly.
it was like a fight for my life, but it was just a tokken.
it was wierd my ass was falling off, yet I felt some amazing
was happening. This Journey of recovery I've taking decades ago.
That oneday tokken ment more to me than my ten years.
I had to earn that bad boy.
And Damn it...I ain't a newbie.lol
And something, something very powerful showed up in my life.
Something that was missing out of my life, Something Immense
Follow your heart, You know whats right for you.
Whatever you do is okay by me...it's your recovery.
***-on give me a break..I only got drunk at my house for 2 weeks,
didn't get into trouble or lost my job or none of that crazy stuff.
I went back to NA and didn't say a word for 3 weeks.
2 more weeks to find where all the elders was hiding out.lol
It was eating me up inside and I couldn't stand it anymore.
It didn't really had anything to do with anybody, else.
Being honest with myself then being honest with other...holy schmoly.
it was like a fight for my life, but it was just a tokken.
it was wierd my ass was falling off, yet I felt some amazing
was happening. This Journey of recovery I've taking decades ago.
That oneday tokken ment more to me than my ten years.
I had to earn that bad boy.
And Damn it...I ain't a newbie.lol
And something, something very powerful showed up in my life.
Something that was missing out of my life, Something Immense
Follow your heart, You know whats right for you.
Whatever you do is okay by me...it's your recovery.
chel918
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: any place that makes me smile
Posts: 24
talk about disheartening............. one night of drinking and a snort of blow and back to day one..... OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! holy s****!! it was such a steep slope to get to 4 years! amazing how that happens! 
i guess it's just starting to sink in .................. this soooooooooo sucks
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Johannesburg, South Africa
Posts: 8
Drinking gets me into the sh..t every time. Sometimes I can't stand the pain of my memories and situation and I think I'll just drink and not go near the other stuff, but that's a short-cut to Hell. Alcohol is a drug and probably the most evil of them all.
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