Evanna

Struggling a little lately. I have this kind of lowness nipping at the edge of my awareness. I deal with it mostly by ignoring it and keeping incredibly busy. Yet i know that to constantly pretend something isnt there can be a real dangerous place for me to be.

Hence, i am pausing here for a minute to acknowledge that i am finding things a little tough right now. I can only acknowledge this for a little minute because i think if i stop moving for too long then the lowness might just catch me up. I am scared it will floor and incapacitate me. I realise this is a little illogical.


Anyway, moving swiftly on.

2dayzmuse

Any lingering notions nipping at your heels, give them a good hard, swift kick. Fight it. Giving in isn't worth it. I guarantee you'll regret it.

Evanna

Thank-you for your response 2dayzmuse.

Is not really been about wanting to use. I dont really have any lingering notions about that these day. 22yrs damage and i finally realise that path is f**ked. What i feel is more around depression really. The kind of depression that will see me take to my bed for a year or clawing at the screaming frustration in my head. I guess i didnt express that very well in my opening post. At the moment it is just a nipping lowness and i am simply trying to keep a balance between ignoring and acknowedging its presence.

shestruggles

(((Evanna)))

Thinking of you...

Evanna

That is what i needed to hear. Thank-you SS.

2dayzmuse

If your depression continues, talk with your Dr. It's treatable. I know how you feel. I suffered from depression for years. I've been treated for it for 1 1/2 yrs. It helps, it really does. I don't slip into that empty, painful place anymore.

Jane63

****{Evanna}}}
I feel that way sometimes too and agree that keeping busy is very important! Also agree that you might want to talk to your doctor because it is treatable and you can feel better!
Along with staying busy, remember to take some "ME TIME" as well...I find breathing in the fresh air, relaxing in the sun with a book, walking the dog, as well as starting a hobby {finishing a project brings great JOY!} are all things I need to do in order to keep my sanity in this crazy world!
Hang in there hun and keep fighting the good fight!!
**{HUGS}}
Jane

Evanna

Thank-you both. I appreciated the hugs Jane.

It is so much better than it was. The first 18mths or so of recovery i was completely incapacitated by depression. I slept 18hrs a day, was completely exhausted continually, lived in a sh1thole, couldnt take care of the most elementary routines. These days i am simply fabulous in comparison. I do tons of stuff, keep house, have an abundance of energy, have hobbies, interests and schemes (i scheme a lot, lol). It is a squillion times better. I guess what happens sometimes is now is that my head starts to nip and i get a little scared of going back to that dark, desolate bleak place.

It is a place that took me back out there using many a time. The using had to get real, real bad before it was worse than that place. Eventually i reached a place with the using where being curled up in bed with the blackness was most definitely preferable. The damage i was causing curled up in bed was minimal to the damage i inflicted on everyone when i was out there using. So i stayed in my place of safety for the longest time. One day i got up and started to live. It just kind of happened without me really noticing, you know.

I am getting on for 3 yrs clean now and life is overall good. I just get scared sometimes.

Gosh that was a lot of openess in one post! I try to rarely share my innermost.

2dayzmuse

Thanks for sharing. It's good to get it out. There are so many others out there who can relate to what you are feeling.