Thank-you for your response 2dayzmuse.
Is not really been about wanting to use. I dont really have any lingering notions about that these day. 22yrs damage and i finally realise that path is f**ked. What i feel is more around depression really. The kind of depression that will see me take to my bed for a year or clawing at the screaming frustration in my head. I guess i didnt express that very well in my opening post. At the moment it is just a nipping lowness and i am simply trying to keep a balance between ignoring and acknowedging its presence.