Thank-you both. I appreciated the hugs Jane.
It is so much better than it was. The first 18mths or so of recovery i was completely incapacitated by depression. I slept 18hrs a day, was completely exhausted continually, lived in a sh1thole, couldnt take care of the most elementary routines. These days i am simply fabulous in comparison. I do tons of stuff, keep house, have an abundance of energy, have hobbies, interests and schemes (i scheme a lot, lol). It is a squillion times better. I guess what happens sometimes is now is that my head starts to nip and i get a little scared of going back to that dark, desolate bleak place.
It is a place that took me back out there using many a time. The using had to get real, real bad before it was worse than that place. Eventually i reached a place with the using where being curled up in bed with the blackness was most definitely preferable. The damage i was causing curled up in bed was minimal to the damage i inflicted on everyone when i was out there using. So i stayed in my place of safety for the longest time. One day i got up and started to live. It just kind of happened without me really noticing, you know.
I am getting on for 3 yrs clean now and life is overall good. I just get scared sometimes.
Gosh that was a lot of openess in one post! I try to rarely share my innermost.
