“Senior” SR members
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Join Date: Oct 2021
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“Senior” SR members
If you have a lot of sobriety under your belt, remember that it’s not always so easy for the rest of us.
Please know that a lot of us are trying. Many of us come from backgrounds where we were abused as children. We don’t have a lot of the psychological fortitude to believe in ourselves enough to change.
Recently, I wrote several posts about how I was struggling. Every person who replied was wonderful! Some posts were more blunt than others. But I know every single one of those replies came with love. And I’m grateful for that!!
There are a few people here, (and thankfully, they don’t respond to anything that I write!) who have many many years of sobriety under their belts. And their advice is always succinct, terse and tough. Almost “cranky” in a way!! 😞
I often wonder: what were their early days of sobriety like? Did they struggle? If we were to go back into the early archives of SR, what did their first posts look like! Was their transition into sobriety linear, smooth and seem less?
If I do get sober (and I pray that I will) I hope that I never lose my compassion (and patience) for others. XO
Please know that a lot of us are trying. Many of us come from backgrounds where we were abused as children. We don’t have a lot of the psychological fortitude to believe in ourselves enough to change.
Recently, I wrote several posts about how I was struggling. Every person who replied was wonderful! Some posts were more blunt than others. But I know every single one of those replies came with love. And I’m grateful for that!!
There are a few people here, (and thankfully, they don’t respond to anything that I write!) who have many many years of sobriety under their belts. And their advice is always succinct, terse and tough. Almost “cranky” in a way!! 😞
I often wonder: what were their early days of sobriety like? Did they struggle? If we were to go back into the early archives of SR, what did their first posts look like! Was their transition into sobriety linear, smooth and seem less?
If I do get sober (and I pray that I will) I hope that I never lose my compassion (and patience) for others. XO
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,542
I think that you will always be the kind and empathetic person you are, now, dear Peke, just possibly a little less of what I was always told I was—oversensitive.
And hey, I am still oversensitive, just yesterday, for example, but these days, I don't dwell on things the way I used to; I pick myself up and move on.
But that took time, love, a long time, in fact.
I am only just growing up, maturing into an adult, SO LATE, but all of the years I drank stunted me, or rather, helped me to run from life.
And once I started facing things sober, I realised that I didn't know how to deal with a lot of things because so much of life was new to me.
My early days of sobriety were horrendous, especially after my relapse in 2014. It took 11 days before I could even stop crying and a month before I could go to a mall without having a panic attack.
And there was a lot to deal with—I had made a massive mess in every part of my life. There were some things I could never fix, so I worked on the things I could fix and the things I could change, and slowly began to feel better about myself.
I am a work in progress, doing my best one day at a time, sometimes messing up and sometimes achieving great things.
Suze xx ❤️
And hey, I am still oversensitive, just yesterday, for example, but these days, I don't dwell on things the way I used to; I pick myself up and move on.
But that took time, love, a long time, in fact.
I am only just growing up, maturing into an adult, SO LATE, but all of the years I drank stunted me, or rather, helped me to run from life.
And once I started facing things sober, I realised that I didn't know how to deal with a lot of things because so much of life was new to me.
My early days of sobriety were horrendous, especially after my relapse in 2014. It took 11 days before I could even stop crying and a month before I could go to a mall without having a panic attack.
And there was a lot to deal with—I had made a massive mess in every part of my life. There were some things I could never fix, so I worked on the things I could fix and the things I could change, and slowly began to feel better about myself.
I am a work in progress, doing my best one day at a time, sometimes messing up and sometimes achieving great things.
Suze xx ❤️
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2021
Location: PNW, US
Posts: 3,390
Originally Posted by venuscat 
I think that you will always be the kind and empathetic person you are, now, dear Peke, just possibly a little less of what I was always told I was—oversensitive.
And hey, I am still oversensitive, just yesterday, for example, but these days, I don't dwell on things the way I used to; I pick myself up and move on.
But that took time, love, a long time, in fact.
I am only just growing up, maturing into an adult, SO LATE, but all of the years I drank stunted me, or rather, helped me to run from life.
And once I started facing things sober, I realised that I didn't know how to deal with a lot of things because so much of life was new to me.
My early days of sobriety were horrendous, especially after my relapse in 2014. It took 11 days before I could even stop crying and a month before I could go to a mall without having a panic attack.
And there was a lot to deal with—I had made a massive mess in every part of my life. There were some things I could never fix, so I worked on the things I could fix and the things I could change, and slowly began to feel better about myself.
I am a work in progress, doing my best one day at a time, sometimes messing up and sometimes achieving great things.
Suze xx ❤️
And hey, I am still oversensitive, just yesterday, for example, but these days, I don't dwell on things the way I used to; I pick myself up and move on.
But that took time, love, a long time, in fact.
I am only just growing up, maturing into an adult, SO LATE, but all of the years I drank stunted me, or rather, helped me to run from life.
And once I started facing things sober, I realised that I didn't know how to deal with a lot of things because so much of life was new to me.
My early days of sobriety were horrendous, especially after my relapse in 2014. It took 11 days before I could even stop crying and a month before I could go to a mall without having a panic attack.
And there was a lot to deal with—I had made a massive mess in every part of my life. There were some things I could never fix, so I worked on the things I could fix and the things I could change, and slowly began to feel better about myself.
I am a work in progress, doing my best one day at a time, sometimes messing up and sometimes achieving great things.
Suze xx ❤️
Every reply that I’ve received here on SR has been meaningful and helpful. I’m grateful to be here. ❤️
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,612
I've thought same Peke.
I've just made application for psychotherapy through a "victims" support service. I don't want money, but need the psychotherapy to help deal with historical abuse, rape. Gang rape. No, no emoticon here.
These memories are really flooding me now Peke, and I know our circumstance is different, but same in the broader sense. You can be raped in more ways than one.
But even though these memories flood and intrude I know I will not pick up a drink. I know I have to deal with this stuff, somehow. And even if I don't, I know that drinking will only prolong the agony, make matters worse.
I'm not prepared to give over to that Peke. Not prepared to have the actions of others determine my future.
I used to dream of putting my running shoes on and trampling their faces with the spikes. Probably capable of doing it now, somestimes.
I found a better pair of running shoes, Peke. I'm walking the walk.
Edit: have you thought about psychotherapy Peke?
I've just made application for psychotherapy through a "victims" support service. I don't want money, but need the psychotherapy to help deal with historical abuse, rape. Gang rape. No, no emoticon here.
These memories are really flooding me now Peke, and I know our circumstance is different, but same in the broader sense. You can be raped in more ways than one.
But even though these memories flood and intrude I know I will not pick up a drink. I know I have to deal with this stuff, somehow. And even if I don't, I know that drinking will only prolong the agony, make matters worse.
I'm not prepared to give over to that Peke. Not prepared to have the actions of others determine my future.
I used to dream of putting my running shoes on and trampling their faces with the spikes. Probably capable of doing it now, somestimes.
I found a better pair of running shoes, Peke. I'm walking the walk.
Edit: have you thought about psychotherapy Peke?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2021
Location: PNW, US
Posts: 3,390
!
Originally Posted by Steely
I've thought same Peke.
I've just made application for psychotherapy through a "victims" support service. I don't want money, but need the psychotherapy to help deal with historical abuse, rape. Gang rape. No, no emoticon here.
These memories are really flooding me now Peke, and I know our circumstance is different, but same in the broader sense. You can be raped in more ways than one.
But even though these memories flood and intrude I know I will not pick up a drink. I know I have to deal with this stuff, somehow. And even if I don't, I know that drinking will only prolong the agony, make matters worse.
I'm not prepared to give over to that Peke. Not prepared to have the actions of others determine my future.
I used to dream of putting my running shoes on and trampling their faces with the spikes. Probably capable of doing it now, somestimes.
I found a better pair of running shoes, Peke. I'm walking the walk.
Edit: have you thought about psychotherapy Peke?
I've just made application for psychotherapy through a "victims" support service. I don't want money, but need the psychotherapy to help deal with historical abuse, rape. Gang rape. No, no emoticon here.
These memories are really flooding me now Peke, and I know our circumstance is different, but same in the broader sense. You can be raped in more ways than one.
But even though these memories flood and intrude I know I will not pick up a drink. I know I have to deal with this stuff, somehow. And even if I don't, I know that drinking will only prolong the agony, make matters worse.
I'm not prepared to give over to that Peke. Not prepared to have the actions of others determine my future.
I used to dream of putting my running shoes on and trampling their faces with the spikes. Probably capable of doing it now, somestimes.
I found a better pair of running shoes, Peke. I'm walking the walk.
Edit: have you thought about psychotherapy Peke?
I had been in counseling (re my mom) for eight years. It helped a lot. But I think it could be time for more.
This was:
“ I'm not prepared to give over to that Peke. Not prepared to have the actions of others determine my future.”
SO meaningful. I feel like each time that I choose to drink that my mom wins. That I’m becoming that awful person she told me I was as a child.
The spikes idea is interesting I feel like that when I’m running hard. Like I’m running away from her grip/power over me.
I know that drinking has caused me nothing but regret, shame and embarrassment. I know that. That’s the best thing about SR. It holds a mirror up to your face.
Thanks Steely. XO
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,612
Trying my best to take my own counsel Peke. If I don't drink, maybe I'll listen. Maybe I'll hear. Maybe I'll act in my own better interests for once, maybe I'll like myself, maybe I'll be strong.
Sometimes even the wisest words fall on my deaf ears unheard, switched off. The task too big. Too painful to face.
But I want to listen, I want to hear. I want to move forward, just like you. And I'm 4 years sober. Sometimes a person with 4 days sobriety has more to say than me. Circumstance prevails, often.
All that I am left with Peke is sobriety, and a determination to gently find my way back to self. And sometimes it's not that gentle.
You can outpace your mum, Peke, just as I can outpace my own past.
I wouldn't drink for quids Peke. It really does allow the past determine our future. And I'm too radical to allow for that now.
Sometimes even the wisest words fall on my deaf ears unheard, switched off. The task too big. Too painful to face.
But I want to listen, I want to hear. I want to move forward, just like you. And I'm 4 years sober. Sometimes a person with 4 days sobriety has more to say than me. Circumstance prevails, often.
All that I am left with Peke is sobriety, and a determination to gently find my way back to self. And sometimes it's not that gentle.
You can outpace your mum, Peke, just as I can outpace my own past.
I wouldn't drink for quids Peke. It really does allow the past determine our future. And I'm too radical to allow for that now.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: England
Posts: 270
I know it can be hard to relate to people who've got many years of sobriety under their belt when you only have a few months or less. Ive only ever achieved 5 months (currently on my 2nd longest attempt now). Im more determined than Ive ever been to never drink again, but if Im brutally honest with myself, I find it hard to believe that I will ever get to several years. I hope I do, and I hope in time I can believe that I will. But those with 5, 10, 20 years are superheroes to me.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,481
Hey Peke,
I always try and remember what it was like for me in the early days when I’m posting, Some days I hit the mark better than others
I quickly learned there were all kinds of communicators here - from the deft and compassionate to the terse and gruff.
Some posters even seemed angry…and that spoke to my own insecurities…I took all that on because that’s what I did..I was an emotional sponge if you like?.
Eventually I worked it out
The vital thing for me to remember back then was everyone’s taken out time to post to me, speak to me, and to try and help me move on into recovery and stay there.
I still try to think about that even now.
go Team Peke!
D
I always try and remember what it was like for me in the early days when I’m posting, Some days I hit the mark better than others
I quickly learned there were all kinds of communicators here - from the deft and compassionate to the terse and gruff.
Some posters even seemed angry…and that spoke to my own insecurities…I took all that on because that’s what I did..I was an emotional sponge if you like?.
Eventually I worked it out
The vital thing for me to remember back then was everyone’s taken out time to post to me, speak to me, and to try and help me move on into recovery and stay there.
I still try to think about that even now.
go Team Peke!
D
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,585
Peke - I agree with Suze. I'm sure there's zero chance of you losing your compassion. I never have in all these years. I have so much respect & love for those who fight to get free.
I try to always be mindful that my journey was probably easier than for those who have abuse or cruelty in their background. Being haunted by memories must complicate the ability to let go of something that once seemed to comfort us. (I managed to become completely dependent on it, even without a traumatic childhood.)
I'm hypersensitive & was hurt by a few posts early on - so I know what you're talking about. Thankfully, there are very few members that I've chosen to ignore. Occasionally, the harsher posts have taught me something, but I haven't enjoyed the way some messages were delivered.
I'm so glad you're here, Peke.
I try to always be mindful that my journey was probably easier than for those who have abuse or cruelty in their background. Being haunted by memories must complicate the ability to let go of something that once seemed to comfort us. (I managed to become completely dependent on it, even without a traumatic childhood.)
I'm hypersensitive & was hurt by a few posts early on - so I know what you're talking about. Thankfully, there are very few members that I've chosen to ignore. Occasionally, the harsher posts have taught me something, but I haven't enjoyed the way some messages were delivered.
I'm so glad you're here, Peke.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2023
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 911
Originally Posted by Dee74
The vital thing for me to remember back then was everyone’s taken out time to post to me, speak to me, and to try and help me move on into recovery and stay there.
I still try to think about that even now.
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2023
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 911
Peke, I hear what you’re saying. I think more than anything right now, what you really could do with is a massive hug and someone telling you that everything is going to be alright. You’ve spent so long mentally beating yourself up that you’re frazzled, tired and ‘spent’. Please try and be kind to yourself. If you are kinder to yourself, the spiky things people say will feel less prickly xxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,286
I love that there is room for all kinds of personalities and advice here and that the mods do an awesome job of directing it all. From tough love to warm and fuzzies you just have to wade through it and take what you can and leave what you want.
Sobriety is hard work and sometimes I need to hear that reality. Other times it is good to get a pat on the back and a, "you got this."
Don't take it personal. I'd be more worried if nobody even cared to respond.
Sobriety is hard work and sometimes I need to hear that reality. Other times it is good to get a pat on the back and a, "you got this."
Don't take it personal. I'd be more worried if nobody even cared to respond.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2021
Location: PNW, US
Posts: 3,390
Originally Posted by Dee74
Hey Peke,
I always try and remember what it was like for me in the early days when I’m posting, Some days I hit the mark better than others
I quickly learned there were all kinds of communicators here - from the deft and compassionate to the terse and gruff.
Some posters even seemed angry…and that spoke to my own insecurities…I took all that on because that’s what I did..I was an emotional sponge if you like?.
Eventually I worked it out
The vital thing for me to remember back then was everyone’s taken out time to post to me, speak to me, and to try and help me move on into recovery and stay there.
I still try to think about that even now.
go Team Peke!
D
I always try and remember what it was like for me in the early days when I’m posting, Some days I hit the mark better than others
I quickly learned there were all kinds of communicators here - from the deft and compassionate to the terse and gruff.
Some posters even seemed angry…and that spoke to my own insecurities…I took all that on because that’s what I did..I was an emotional sponge if you like?.
Eventually I worked it out
The vital thing for me to remember back then was everyone’s taken out time to post to me, speak to me, and to try and help me move on into recovery and stay there.
I still try to think about that even now.
go Team Peke!
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2021
Location: PNW, US
Posts: 3,390
Originally Posted by Offthemast
I love that there is room for all kinds of personalities and advice here and that the mods do an awesome job of directing it all. From tough love to warm and fuzzies you just have to wade through it and take what you can and leave what you want.
Sobriety is hard work and sometimes I need to hear that reality. Other times it is good to get a pat on the back and a, "you got this."
Don't take it personal. I'd be more worried if nobody even cared to respond.
Sobriety is hard work and sometimes I need to hear that reality. Other times it is good to get a pat on the back and a, "you got this."
Don't take it personal. I'd be more worried if nobody even cared to respond.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2021
Location: PNW, US
Posts: 3,390
Originally Posted by KneePads
Peke, I hear what you’re saying. I think more than anything right now, what you really could do with is a massive hug and someone telling you that everything is going to be alright. You’ve spent so long mentally beating yourself up that you’re frazzled, tired and ‘spent’. Please try and be kind to yourself. If you are kinder to yourself, the spiky things people say will feel less prickly xxxxxxxx
That’s exactly what I need. Thank you for recognizing that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2021
Location: PNW, US
Posts: 3,390
Originally Posted by Hevyn
Peke - I agree with Suze. I'm sure there's zero chance of you losing your compassion. I never have in all these years. I have so much respect & love for those who fight to get free.
I try to always be mindful that my journey was probably easier than for those who have abuse or cruelty in their background. Being haunted by memories must complicate the ability to let go of something that once seemed to comfort us. (I managed to become completely dependent on it, even without a traumatic childhood.)
I'm hypersensitive & was hurt by a few posts early on - so I know what you're talking about. Thankfully, there are very few members that I've chosen to ignore. Occasionally, the harsher posts have taught me something, but I haven't enjoyed the way some messages were delivered.
I'm so glad you're here, Peke.
I try to always be mindful that my journey was probably easier than for those who have abuse or cruelty in their background. Being haunted by memories must complicate the ability to let go of something that once seemed to comfort us. (I managed to become completely dependent on it, even without a traumatic childhood.)
I'm hypersensitive & was hurt by a few posts early on - so I know what you're talking about. Thankfully, there are very few members that I've chosen to ignore. Occasionally, the harsher posts have taught me something, but I haven't enjoyed the way some messages were delivered.
I'm so glad you're here, Peke.
Honestly I’m not hurt by anything that anyone has written. (When I first joined there was a member who rubbed me the wrong way. But they steer clear of me now. Oil and water don’t mix. XOXO)
Thank you for being so honest and understanding.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,286
Originally Posted by Pekelover2
I don’t take those ppl personally off! And they stay “out of my lane” so to speak. Wink 😘
Now grab the helm. Smooth seas never made skilled sailors. Run over the shouters, the pouters, and the doubters. Ok I'm out of bad motivational quotes..
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 3,956
Sorry to hear this, Peke ☹️
We’re all equal here. Everyone’s awesome. No one will ever forget the early days or the low point which lead to quitting. Personally, I’m sad to read you can’t quite kick this habit yet, but no one gave up first time. Never ever give up. You’ve got so much positive stuff; imagine how much more you could have once you kick this thing 👍
We’re all equal here. Everyone’s awesome. No one will ever forget the early days or the low point which lead to quitting. Personally, I’m sad to read you can’t quite kick this habit yet, but no one gave up first time. Never ever give up. You’ve got so much positive stuff; imagine how much more you could have once you kick this thing 👍
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,174
I'm a non-responder, but I haven't always been. Very early on I responded. I do read your posts, and I am always saddened by your struggle, but I never know what to tell you. Oddly, part of the reason is exactly what you have observed about some senior posters. I'm afraid I will come off as being short with you. Not cranky, I hardly ever feel cranky. But I may seem impatient, because well, I'm impatient, including with myself sometimes, or at least very much so in the past.
Secondly, you are struggling with completely different issues than mine that I don't relate with very well. You struggle with sadness and frustration, something I can only recall from my distant childhood. My issues at the point where you are at now were anger and fear, and I want to emphasize how much those words understate the intensity of those feelings at my bottom. Think more along the lines of hatred and terror of the insanity I was spiraling toward. I could reason to some extent, but my behavior was so out of control that I was acting crazy, shameful, and stupid.
Don't interpret my reticence as not caring. I want to see you get better. And I'm frustrated that I can't make you get better. It's a shame we have to find so much of our own way down the paths of recovery, while the rest of us show up and can only point out paths, paths that often seem like different directions. They are all worthy directions, and it may or may not make much difference which paths you choose to take, but you have to choose. And that's OK, because mistakes can be corrected. I'm thankful for many posters here who may be able to help where I do not. That's the advantage of a large group.
Early recovery is no picnic. For some of us, long term recovery isn't that hot either. I remember thinking, "I can't do this." But I could, and you can too. And for the umpteenth time, it gets easier. Focus on your changing your behaviors more -- and your feelings less. That's just advice, not a guarantee, but it's a good place to start, I think.
Secondly, you are struggling with completely different issues than mine that I don't relate with very well. You struggle with sadness and frustration, something I can only recall from my distant childhood. My issues at the point where you are at now were anger and fear, and I want to emphasize how much those words understate the intensity of those feelings at my bottom. Think more along the lines of hatred and terror of the insanity I was spiraling toward. I could reason to some extent, but my behavior was so out of control that I was acting crazy, shameful, and stupid.
Don't interpret my reticence as not caring. I want to see you get better. And I'm frustrated that I can't make you get better. It's a shame we have to find so much of our own way down the paths of recovery, while the rest of us show up and can only point out paths, paths that often seem like different directions. They are all worthy directions, and it may or may not make much difference which paths you choose to take, but you have to choose. And that's OK, because mistakes can be corrected. I'm thankful for many posters here who may be able to help where I do not. That's the advantage of a large group.
Early recovery is no picnic. For some of us, long term recovery isn't that hot either. I remember thinking, "I can't do this." But I could, and you can too. And for the umpteenth time, it gets easier. Focus on your changing your behaviors more -- and your feelings less. That's just advice, not a guarantee, but it's a good place to start, I think.
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