Im living his lie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2023
Posts: 2
Im living his lie
Im very new to this. I have been married for 24 years and we have always liked a drink together. Since covid, things have been bad and getting worse. Everyone drank a bit too much through lockdowns etc but then I was diagnosed with breast cancer, so stress levels were rather high for a while for us! I have since had a mastectomy and am fully recovered.
For a long time (last 7 or 8 years), every time we went on holiday he would become not well, and I always put it down to stresses at work, but more recently it has been worse and have suspected it was drink related.
This last year, it has got much worse and he is now hiding bottles of vodka etc, and getting severe DT symptoms quite often (about once a month). He keeps promising that he is controlling it and he is going to sort it out but he is not always communicating with me very well. It feels like we are going round in circles. We go from him shutting me out, and being quite horrid to me, to him feeling really sorry for himself (when he has DTs), and he is so apologetic, upset and confused about his behavior, to then managing to stay off it for a week or so, when he is a bit more like the man I fell in love with 29 years ago! He promised he would do sober October but last night he had a bottle and half of wine (that I know about), His excuse yesterday was it was still the weekend and he would start today (Monday). But I’ve just caught him sneaking a gulp from a bottle of vodka, hidden in the bedroom. He’s shutting me out and i feel like I’m going mad. No one else knows (he doesn’t want friends or family to know, as he’s embarrassed and ashamed). We have teenage sons and I’m sure they are aware of what is going on, as they will have overheard some of our arguments, but he doesn’t feel like he’s ready to talk to them about the situation. It feels like we are all living a lie. I am avoiding seeing friends and family because I just want to hibernate!! I have opened up to one friend as at times it all gets too much for me, but I need some support and advice from people who are maybe going through the same as me? This feels quite anonymous, and something he won’t find out about so hoping for some support encouragement. I’m from the UK - not sure if that makes a difference about people replying to me! Feeling so empty and hopeless!
For a long time (last 7 or 8 years), every time we went on holiday he would become not well, and I always put it down to stresses at work, but more recently it has been worse and have suspected it was drink related.
This last year, it has got much worse and he is now hiding bottles of vodka etc, and getting severe DT symptoms quite often (about once a month). He keeps promising that he is controlling it and he is going to sort it out but he is not always communicating with me very well. It feels like we are going round in circles. We go from him shutting me out, and being quite horrid to me, to him feeling really sorry for himself (when he has DTs), and he is so apologetic, upset and confused about his behavior, to then managing to stay off it for a week or so, when he is a bit more like the man I fell in love with 29 years ago! He promised he would do sober October but last night he had a bottle and half of wine (that I know about), His excuse yesterday was it was still the weekend and he would start today (Monday). But I’ve just caught him sneaking a gulp from a bottle of vodka, hidden in the bedroom. He’s shutting me out and i feel like I’m going mad. No one else knows (he doesn’t want friends or family to know, as he’s embarrassed and ashamed). We have teenage sons and I’m sure they are aware of what is going on, as they will have overheard some of our arguments, but he doesn’t feel like he’s ready to talk to them about the situation. It feels like we are all living a lie. I am avoiding seeing friends and family because I just want to hibernate!! I have opened up to one friend as at times it all gets too much for me, but I need some support and advice from people who are maybe going through the same as me? This feels quite anonymous, and something he won’t find out about so hoping for some support encouragement. I’m from the UK - not sure if that makes a difference about people replying to me! Feeling so empty and hopeless!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 111
Sorry B. Bad place for you. I am like your husband though. The secret awful drinker. Will I stay with me if I was married to me. No. If you can afford to leave with your kids I would suggest that. If you can not you will have to accept the consequences of living with an alcoholic. This is just my opinion. I am sure you will do the best thing for you and the children. Best wishes.
As a ps: I do not think any of us want to be alcoholics.
As a ps: I do not think any of us want to be alcoholics.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,656
I think I would take the direct approach. 
s
I would tell him I know how much he is drinking and he needs to get help. And if he refused, it would be a dealbreaker for me.
Bunker is right—none of us want to be alcoholics (in recovery for almost 9 years), and facing the truth and getting help is the only way forward.
Your husband has a responsibility to his family, and he is letting the side down.
I am really sorry this is happening; sending you love. ❤️
sI would tell him I know how much he is drinking and he needs to get help. And if he refused, it would be a dealbreaker for me.
Bunker is right—none of us want to be alcoholics (in recovery for almost 9 years), and facing the truth and getting help is the only way forward.
Your husband has a responsibility to his family, and he is letting the side down.
I am really sorry this is happening; sending you love. ❤️
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,704
Hi Bttf88, so sorry you are in this situation.
First of all, just want to say that you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c;s).
To be honest with you, arguing with him about it is a waste of your time. He is an addict and no amount of yelling, or love or anger or kindness is going to make any difference. This is his battle to fight and he is either going to choose to do it, or not, his decision.
From what you have posted, doesn't sound like he is anywhere near that.
There is Al Anon (for friends and family of Alcoholics) and Alateen (same organization, but for teens) which you might want to check out for extra support for yourself and children.
Really at this point you only have 2 options, if you decide to stay. You can stay and accept him just the way he is, drinking and all. That includes not urging him/arguing with him about quitting drinking. True acceptance. That is really the only way to live with an alcoholic and have peace (in a round about kind of way, because is there ever much peace when someone is always drunk?).
The second option is to detach emotionally from him, I mean an actual concerted effort to detach. This will happen naturally anyway if he continues and you two continue to have conflict, only difference is it will probably take years. It's basically you live your life and he lives his and you go about doing your own thing.
As I'm sure you know, this is also a huge negative for your children. Children who grow up in an environment where there is alcoholism, generally, are affected by it later on. They learn to build defenses, they learn that this kind of conflict is normal. That you stay with someone and remain loyal - no matter how badly that works for you.
Please be careful about isolating yourself. It's a very common theme in an alcoholic household and not good for you really (as I'm sure you know). His secret is not yours to keep.
First of all, just want to say that you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c;s).
To be honest with you, arguing with him about it is a waste of your time. He is an addict and no amount of yelling, or love or anger or kindness is going to make any difference. This is his battle to fight and he is either going to choose to do it, or not, his decision.
From what you have posted, doesn't sound like he is anywhere near that.
There is Al Anon (for friends and family of Alcoholics) and Alateen (same organization, but for teens) which you might want to check out for extra support for yourself and children.
Really at this point you only have 2 options, if you decide to stay. You can stay and accept him just the way he is, drinking and all. That includes not urging him/arguing with him about quitting drinking. True acceptance. That is really the only way to live with an alcoholic and have peace (in a round about kind of way, because is there ever much peace when someone is always drunk?).
The second option is to detach emotionally from him, I mean an actual concerted effort to detach. This will happen naturally anyway if he continues and you two continue to have conflict, only difference is it will probably take years. It's basically you live your life and he lives his and you go about doing your own thing.
As I'm sure you know, this is also a huge negative for your children. Children who grow up in an environment where there is alcoholism, generally, are affected by it later on. They learn to build defenses, they learn that this kind of conflict is normal. That you stay with someone and remain loyal - no matter how badly that works for you.
Please be careful about isolating yourself. It's a very common theme in an alcoholic household and not good for you really (as I'm sure you know). His secret is not yours to keep.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
His secret is not yours to keep.
Exactly.
I was going to post that earlier but it's really hard to post thoughtfully in such a difficult situation.
Btttf, YOU need support. I'd tell the family at the very least; your family and close friends. They will likely tell it like it is with you and it will be difficult...but...you need people to know and to be on your side. This isn't something to sweep under a rug.
Can you get in to a therapist or go to Al Anon meetings or talk to a clergy or nun? You need help. He can solve his own danged problem - or not - as will likely be the case.
Let go or be dragged.
Exactly.
I was going to post that earlier but it's really hard to post thoughtfully in such a difficult situation.
Btttf, YOU need support. I'd tell the family at the very least; your family and close friends. They will likely tell it like it is with you and it will be difficult...but...you need people to know and to be on your side. This isn't something to sweep under a rug.
Can you get in to a therapist or go to Al Anon meetings or talk to a clergy or nun? You need help. He can solve his own danged problem - or not - as will likely be the case.
Let go or be dragged.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2023
Posts: 2
Thank you for all of your replies. I really appreciate you taking the time to reach out to me. If I’m honest, it’s left me feeling a little more disheartened as everyone seems to think there is little chance of him changing.
trailmix said “His secret is not yours to keep”, but it feels like his secret is not mine to tell to anyone else as we have been a unit for so long, and I’ve never been disloyal to him in all these years. I know I need to think about me as well, and that’s why I’ve reached out to one friend, and this forum. Even that took a lot of courage and i feel so guilty about even doing this much.
He seems so broken at the moment and it’s breaking my heart watching him go through this. I know he’s not wanting to be like this and it’s an addiction, so I am feeling so sorry for him, but it doesn’t stop the overriding emotion of anger and resentment at the situation.
I gave him an ultimatum a couple of days ago after reading your comments . I’ve told him that he needs to really consider what path he wants to continue on. If he chooses to stay on this path and not get help, then we need to sit down and discuss how we go our separate ways, as I don’t want our sons going through this atmosphere any more. He tells me that he doesn’t want to be like this but doesn’t know what to do. All along he’s thought he can overcome this himself, but he tells me he is now realising that he’s not able to. I’ve realised this for a long time but he’s still battling with the confusion of why he can’t just stop the cycle himself. I think he is still in denial that he will have to stop drinking completely- he is hoping that he will be able to fix the problem and go back to being a social drinker. The thought of having to tell people that he can’t drink again is terrifying him.
Any advice about the best way to get help if he chooses to? He is not much of a talker - he has never been good at opening up. I think he seems depressed. He is looking so pensive and down while he’s going through this. I don’t know if the alcoholism is making him depressed or the depression is making him an alcoholic! The last thing he wants to do is go to the GP. He would consider getting help privately. We are in the UK so I know it will be different to your own experiences - I think most of you are based in the US?
Thanks again for all of your replies - some of the comments were not particularly what I wanted to hear but it has given me the drive to start making moves to kickstart a change. I really appreciate you all for your support.
trailmix said “His secret is not yours to keep”, but it feels like his secret is not mine to tell to anyone else as we have been a unit for so long, and I’ve never been disloyal to him in all these years. I know I need to think about me as well, and that’s why I’ve reached out to one friend, and this forum. Even that took a lot of courage and i feel so guilty about even doing this much.
He seems so broken at the moment and it’s breaking my heart watching him go through this. I know he’s not wanting to be like this and it’s an addiction, so I am feeling so sorry for him, but it doesn’t stop the overriding emotion of anger and resentment at the situation.
I gave him an ultimatum a couple of days ago after reading your comments . I’ve told him that he needs to really consider what path he wants to continue on. If he chooses to stay on this path and not get help, then we need to sit down and discuss how we go our separate ways, as I don’t want our sons going through this atmosphere any more. He tells me that he doesn’t want to be like this but doesn’t know what to do. All along he’s thought he can overcome this himself, but he tells me he is now realising that he’s not able to. I’ve realised this for a long time but he’s still battling with the confusion of why he can’t just stop the cycle himself. I think he is still in denial that he will have to stop drinking completely- he is hoping that he will be able to fix the problem and go back to being a social drinker. The thought of having to tell people that he can’t drink again is terrifying him.
Any advice about the best way to get help if he chooses to? He is not much of a talker - he has never been good at opening up. I think he seems depressed. He is looking so pensive and down while he’s going through this. I don’t know if the alcoholism is making him depressed or the depression is making him an alcoholic! The last thing he wants to do is go to the GP. He would consider getting help privately. We are in the UK so I know it will be different to your own experiences - I think most of you are based in the US?
Thanks again for all of your replies - some of the comments were not particularly what I wanted to hear but it has given me the drive to start making moves to kickstart a change. I really appreciate you all for your support.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,704
Well, no matter where you live, he has the choice of going to rehab (and at this point an in patient rehab seems looks a really good idea). There is also therapy of course.
The guilt, I've heard that a few times here. I think sometimes we can have misplaced guilt. Guilt is really for when you do something wrong, is it wrong to talk to others about the reality of your life? It can be dangerous to keep these secrets because it isolates you. You certainly would not be the first (nor surely the last) person to become isolated in a dysfunctional relationship.
A few things you mentioned that he has expressed:
- He doesn't want to see his GP
- He is confused about why he can't quit by himself
- He doesn't think he will have to stop drinking completely
- Is terrified to tell people he can't drink
- Not good at expressing himself
Does any of the above sound like someone who is ready to seek help?
He said a couple of days ago that he would consider getting help privately, so what has he done about that? Always look for actions, not words. As you mentioned, you have known for a long time that he is having no success trying to quit alone, he probably actually knows that too, so does he want to quit?
Addiction is a really powerful thing, as you have witnessed. There is no such thing as a happy alcoholic, but that doesn't mean they are ready to quit. You gave him an ultimatum, he may just be trying to smooth things over.
Addiction tries to protect itself, he may not even be aware of this as he doesn't seem to know much about alcoholism.
He may be pensive and down because the thought of giving up alcohol can cause grief. It is his love, his best friend, where he goes to attempt to control whatever is going on with him.
This won't happen. Once a cucumber becomes a pickle, it can't ever go back to being a cucumber. Once he is addicted to alcohol (which he is) one drink will never, ever, be enough.
The guilt, I've heard that a few times here. I think sometimes we can have misplaced guilt. Guilt is really for when you do something wrong, is it wrong to talk to others about the reality of your life? It can be dangerous to keep these secrets because it isolates you. You certainly would not be the first (nor surely the last) person to become isolated in a dysfunctional relationship.
A few things you mentioned that he has expressed:
- He doesn't want to see his GP
- He is confused about why he can't quit by himself
- He doesn't think he will have to stop drinking completely
- Is terrified to tell people he can't drink
- Not good at expressing himself
Does any of the above sound like someone who is ready to seek help?
He said a couple of days ago that he would consider getting help privately, so what has he done about that? Always look for actions, not words. As you mentioned, you have known for a long time that he is having no success trying to quit alone, he probably actually knows that too, so does he want to quit?
Addiction is a really powerful thing, as you have witnessed. There is no such thing as a happy alcoholic, but that doesn't mean they are ready to quit. You gave him an ultimatum, he may just be trying to smooth things over.
Addiction tries to protect itself, he may not even be aware of this as he doesn't seem to know much about alcoholism.
He may be pensive and down because the thought of giving up alcohol can cause grief. It is his love, his best friend, where he goes to attempt to control whatever is going on with him.
I think he is still in denial that he will have to stop drinking completely- he is hoping that he will be able to fix the problem and go back to being a social drinker.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,704
One other thing, as you read around the forum, if you want to see a person's other posts, you can click on their username, below their picture in a thread and choose - see all posts.
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You might find these threads relatable
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...oundaries.html (Crossed boundaries)
and
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-he-drank.html (He drank)
To see all threads started by a member, click on their name and choose View Public Profile. From there choose the Statistics tab and you will see an option for view all threads.
You might find these threads relatable
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...oundaries.html (Crossed boundaries)
and
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-he-drank.html (He drank)
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