Silky10

Hi Everyone
I stumbled across this site; I was looking for answers to help me understand/unravel the chaos of my life over the last 12 years.
I feel completely lost/hopeless/empty. It's as though I've landed on a strange planet where I don't know anyone or anything. It's like I'm having a perpetual 'out of body' experience.
I've loved and lost before. I'm in my 50's now and not new to hearbreak. Somehow this break up seems so different to anything else.
I've read so much about alcoholism, codependency, attachment theory. Maybe I've read too much; I'm even more confused now.
My partner (also in his 50s) drinks every day. Minimum 1.5-2 bottles of red wine per day, plus 2-4 pints of beer if he's been to the pub first. Even more on weekends. He changes from this lovely man to a monster; it often seems to come out of nowhere. What he's angry about doesn't always make sense. I often notice a look come over his face before it all starts. It's dark, scary, evil......it's like he's been temporarily possessed. My heart starts to race because I know what's coming......a tirade of truly hurtful comments about how I'm sh*t/horrible/useless/depressive/selfish/negative/moaning/ugly/loser/user.....I could go on. Sometimes I fight back, sometime I cry, sometimes I run away. He either then forgets it ever happened, or, pretends I don't exist for 2 to 3 weeks. I've spent so long worrying about him, his health, my health, finances....panicked that the future seems so bleak. I've finally left our home for now. I couldn't cope with another minute of it. I'm beyond exhausted. 2 months later and I'm still reeling, exhausted and confused. I'm also preoccupied with trying to make sense of everything. I love him/miss him/but glad to be away from him; all at the same time. Is this normal? Or have I completely lost my mind?

LucyIntheGarden

I understand some of what you are experiencing, Silkie. In my 30's I was married to an alcoholic who also became dark and scary when drunk, and I will always remember the look that came over his face when he crossed the line into the dark side of his being.

I think someone who lives with this kind of man lives in a state of chronic trauma. Eventually when we are forced to leave, out of desperation, we have hardly any more inner resources left to cope. Back then I had to take medication for a few weeks for racing heart.

This is your bottom, I think, and it was, I think, inevitable. It is also your beginning. Your opportunity to grow from this point forward is immense.

Try to take care of your physical health in the meantime, and see a physician if you feel you are truly breaking down.

And if possible, sit in some Al-Anon meetings. You do not have to talk. You can listen and cry and every person in the room will understand.

There is always healing after a dark night of the soul such as you are in. I am in my 60's now. I have learned this.

Silky10

Thank you LucyInTheGarden. Yes, I feel like I left home out of complete desperation rather than actually wanting to. I still want to go home but he's completely closed off to me now.
Maybe that's why it's so hard. I never feel like I have a choice. I feel like I've been pushed out rather than having made a choice.
I will look at Al-anon; i just wonder if it's appropriate now we're apart. I wish I'd done some of this research sooner.

trailmix

Hi Silky, so sorry you have been through this horrible, hurtful experience.

Yes, Al Anon may help you, or not, but they will absolutely welcome you. You will find people who know exactly what you have gone through, that may comfort you and also help you to realize you aren't crazy (you aren't).

Some things that may help you wrap your head around all this. He isn't the lovely guy or the monster, he is both. You don't get one without the other. That alone is an awfully good reason to get out of his way.

You have been in flight or fight mode, probably for years now, that takes a toll.

There is a book often recommended here, Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie. I think you will find it relatable from a boundaries point of view.

A few things that might help.

Challenge your thinking. What do you miss? Make a compact list of every terrible thing he has done and said to you. Whenever you start thinking about the good times, refer to the list (even if you do that 20 times a day to start). This will help your mind to retrain, to focus on the reality of the situation, not just those little windows of "good", because, as mentioned above, you can't have one without the other. Something like:

- Drinks large amounts every day. So he is never "present".
- Changes from this lovely man to a monster
- Whatever he's angry about doesn't always make sense
- Makes truly hurtful comments about me I'm sh*t/horrible/useless/depressive/selfish/negative/moaning/ugly/loser/user
- Pretends I don't exist for 2 to 3 weeks
etc

Maybe ask yourself why you stayed. Generally, people with a high tolerance for poor treatment have come from a place where they grew up in some kind of dysfunction. It becomes the norm. You deserve so very much better than this man can offer you.

Oh and all this:

This sounds like deflecting, this is probably what he thinks of himself.

​​​​​​​

ToughChoices

Al-Anon arose out of a desire to help the wives of male alcoholics who participated in the AA program of recovery. It still serves this purpose well, but it has evolved over time. Al-Anon is a support group for those who have been affected by another person's drinking. That's you. You've been affected. Some members are dealing with an actively drinking spouse in denial, others are parenting children in recovery, and still others left their qualifier long ago but continue to feel the pain of addiction.

When you say, "I never feel like I have a choice. I feel like I've been pushed out rather than having made a choice" - working the 12 Steps through Al-Anon can help you with this frustrating lack of power. It is a program to help you process pain, look at situations with honest reflection, and make changes that will help you live a peaceful life.

Al-Anon does not save the drinker. It saves the people damaged in alcoholism's wake.

I'm glad that you are here, Silky. This is hard stuff, but you clearly value yourself enough to realize that the current status of your relationship is toxic. You deserve more.

Silky10

Thank you so much for your helpful insights and comments.
I've spent weeks trying to work out what's going on in my head and I've been getting nowhere.
I suppose it takes longer than a few weeks to unravel what's been happening over the last 12 years.
I have heard of the book but I was put off by reviews that says it comes from a religious POV (which I'm not). I know I need to look more closely at myself too: how I handle things, how I react/respond.
It sounds like Al-Anon may still be of help to me even though we're currently apart. So that's good.

It's just sad that this is the point we got to. I'm sure he's hurting too but he won't open up at all. Just keeps going about his business, like I never existed.

Silky10

I meant to also say that I had a normal upbringing. No abuse, no alcohol, just loving parents who are still happily together

ToughChoices

There was no abuse or alcohol in my upbringing, and I still married someone who developed alcoholism. It was incredibly difficult for me to let go of my hopes for our relationship and his recovery. Addiction is heartbreaking.

You are hurting. He is hurting, too, but the alcohol numbs it out for him. Alcoholics are miserable while drinking, but it's hard to see their pain because they're busy drinking it away. I realize now that I was actually kind of jealous of my late spouse's drinking - I had to feel EVERYTHING and he drank it into oblivion.

But active alcoholics aren't to be envied. I assure you that it is better to sit with this pain now, process the loss, grieve the future that you had envisioned, and move forward. It's better to pay for your future happiness upfront. He's putting it on a metaphorical credit card, but he won't be able to pay up when the bill comes due. For alcoholics the debt just grows and grows and grows.

You don't have to live like that.

Bernadette

Hey Silky-
Welcome! Glad you're here but sorry for what you brought you here.

I didn't start attending AlAnon till I had moved out of my FOO (family of origin) home. My father was an A, and my 3 brothers were all in the process of becoming As, and AlAnon really turned my head around. So did one-on-one counseling. I tried a few AlAnon meetings until I found a couple that I clicked with and that were convenient to where I lived.

I second trailmix's recommend of "Codependent No More." It's just really helpful to start learning some language around all this confusing stuff to help you sort it out and identify the sometimes contradictory feelings that are part of the unhealthy dynamic in relationships with As.

Collectively we've seen it all here on SR - and we can all learn from every person who posts - so keep reading and posting and take what's useful and leave the rest!
Peace,
B.

trailmix

It is sad and he doesn't have to face things, he's drinking. A common thread in many cases is that the partner of the alcoholic thinks that the alcoholic thinks/reacts like they do. Well, that's not, generally, the case. Alcohol affects the brain. When not drinking the world can be very flat or sad etc etc (messed up receptors). Alcohol sends a rush of feel good chemicals to the brain. He may not have any real, regular, tools to deal with sadness or even happiness or set backs or anything. Things people learn as they go through life (sober). That doesn't mean he's happier. There is no such thing as a happy alcoholic.

Alcoholism is progressive. If he continues to drink, he won't be like he is today - 6 months or a year from now.

Al Anon has a religious component, as does AA, Codependent no more also has a religious component, kind of along the lines of - God (or Higher Power) grant me the wisdom to follow a better path. Just that kind of thing. I have my own beliefs and they have theirs. I can still learn from them.

Bernadette

From trailmix: A common thread in many cases is that the partner of the alcoholic thinks that the alcoholic thinks/reacts like they do. Well, that's not, generally, the case. Alcohol affects the brain. When not drinking the world can be very flat or sad etc etc (messed up receptors). Alcohol sends a rush of feel good chemicals to the brain. He may not have any real, regular, tools to deal with sadness or even happiness or set backs or anything. Things people learn as they go through life (sober). That doesn't mean he's happier. There is no such thing as a happy alcoholic.

Silky10 THIS is so spot on! So well put trailmix. And it goes to the heart of why "helping" the A get sober is just way, way beyond my scope. Because I cannot truly relate to where their head is at, I cannot connect in a way that another recovered A could.

From trailmix: Al Anon has a religious component, as does AA, Codependent no more also has a religious component, kind of along the lines of - God (or Higher Power) grant me the wisdom to follow a better path. Just that kind of thing. I have my own beliefs and they have theirs. I can still learn from them.

Yeah the religious element is always a turn off to me, that's why at first I went to several meetings until I was at one and a woman said her "higher power" was her kitchen broom! At first I was like whaaaat? But then, I got it.

I know for some of my friends the religious element turned them completely off because they were raised by hardcore Christians. For whatever reason, I was able to look past the religious elements to the universal idea of dismantling in myself a need to control things that were 100% out of my control. Just wrapping my head around that idea in a no-cost, safe space with other people struggling to do the same was life changing. I am lucky I live in a city where the options for meetings are so numerous.

Peace,
B.