trailmix

Hi Silky, so sorry you have been through this horrible, hurtful experience.

Yes, Al Anon may help you, or not, but they will absolutely welcome you. You will find people who know exactly what you have gone through, that may comfort you and also help you to realize you aren't crazy (you aren't).

Some things that may help you wrap your head around all this. He isn't the lovely guy or the monster, he is both. You don't get one without the other. That alone is an awfully good reason to get out of his way.

You have been in flight or fight mode, probably for years now, that takes a toll.

There is a book often recommended here, Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie. I think you will find it relatable from a boundaries point of view.

A few things that might help.

Challenge your thinking. What do you miss? Make a compact list of every terrible thing he has done and said to you. Whenever you start thinking about the good times, refer to the list (even if you do that 20 times a day to start). This will help your mind to retrain, to focus on the reality of the situation, not just those little windows of "good", because, as mentioned above, you can't have one without the other. Something like:

- Drinks large amounts every day. So he is never "present".
- Changes from this lovely man to a monster
- Whatever he's angry about doesn't always make sense
- Makes truly hurtful comments about me I'm sh*t/horrible/useless/depressive/selfish/negative/moaning/ugly/loser/user
- Pretends I don't exist for 2 to 3 weeks
etc

Maybe ask yourself why you stayed. Generally, people with a high tolerance for poor treatment have come from a place where they grew up in some kind of dysfunction. It becomes the norm. You deserve so very much better than this man can offer you.

Oh and all this:

This sounds like deflecting, this is probably what he thinks of himself.

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