Struggling190

I have posted many times before. I broke up with my boyfriend of eight years in June 2022 and moved out of our house together. I want to say my ex was my best friend we grew up and dated from 16-24 and he was my best friend even though it was toxic we had MANY good times. He is not a bad person by any means and I know he has a disease. At that time things were an absolute ruin I completely lost myself trying to fix him and he didn’t want help and I gave him multiple opportunities to get it my parents even offered to pay our rent so he could go away to rehab and he didn’t want to do it. So he was kind of abusive for those last couple months we lived together and we moved out and we broke up. Over the summer I got my own place I met someone I started dating them for a few months it was just a little fling. We broke up I met up with my ex we talked a little bit and I just didn’t believe what he said when he said he was sober I didn’t believe him because he didn’t go to treatment he didn’t get help. So I continue to live my life for the next seven months and then I met a really really great guy who is amazing and has an amazing family and has treated me like gold. When I first started dating this guy my ex would bang on my door and throw things at my window and harass me and scare me and I think that he was drunk I don’t know but it went on for months where he harassed me and called me a terrible person and it was awful he would then turn around and write me a 10 page letter about how much he loves me and how sorry he is and send me a locket with their names on it and it just broke my heart because I tried to help him for so long and have this life with him and he wouldn’t allow it or didn’t want it or wasn’t ready to get sober . So now I’ve been dating this amazing guy and things have been going great. I then had a mental break down and let my ex manipulate me and I broke up with a good new boyfriend and went and saw my ex and try to make things work once again. It took only a week to realize that he was still so controlling and just not the type of support that I need for the type of person that I am even the way I love him and I still do I know that we aren’t good for each other and I realize that so I had to let it go again and he was angry he freaked out same thing I felt awful I didn’t know it would turn out that way but it did. Thankfully the amazing man that I should’ve never broke up with took me back and things have been going good for about five months. Everything was good I got a photo from someone and my ex went to rehab for three weeks the first time he’s ever actually going away I know three weeks is a long enough but he contacted me a few days after he got out and told me he’s sorry but he doesn’t know who else to talk to he has no one and that he relapsed the first day that he got out I can’t help but to blame myself and feel like it’s my fault and then if I didn’t date someone else after we broke up maybe he would’ve been in a better place but it just happened and this person makes me happy and I’m just stuck feeling like I don’t deserve to be happy . He told me he’s trying so hard and he wants to do better but he can’t seem to do it and I just feel so bad that he is so broken and I am just trying to be happy. He told me that he is happy for me which is crazy because he spent months harassing me and calling me names and calling me a horrible person but I just feel bad that he’s finally starting to realize the damage that he did and what he lost and it’s breaking my heart that maybe one day he could be a normal person and the ideal person that I always wanted him to be but he could never be for me. I guess I’m just having a hard time because he was a part of my life for eight years every single day and now I don’t even know what’s going on with him and he’s so broken and I just want to fix it and I know that I can’t. I care very much about this new guy that I’m with and he makes me very happy but I have obsessive-compulsive disorder and it makes everything so much more difficult and I feel things so much more deeply and all I can imagine is my ex sad and alone and I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy. I know that living a life with an addict or someone in recovery wouldn’t really be the best situation for me because I have multiple anxiety disorders I know that I need someone that’s stable and that treats me the way that I deserve to be treated but I just feel bad that he didn’t know how at the time. We met so young and when I left he lost everything and I just feel so terrible that the life I had planned since I was 16 just fell apart in front of my eyes. I’m just so lost and I feel so awful. I was wondering if anyone else has been tHrU this and did they make the right decision and how they knew that they? I know I still love him and always will and that’s what kills me to because I love my new boyfriend very much but I feel bad still having so much love for my ex as well even tho I know we are better apart. Help? Advice.

ToughChoices

I loved my alcoholic ex explosively. He was brilliant and funny and intuitive. He would brush my hair until I fell asleep and wake me up telling me I was his “greatest treasure.”

He also told me he wished that I would die so that he could drink in peace. He tried to pressure me to end a mutually planned pregnancy when he became nervous about his ability to parent. He lied and alienated everyone, and he died drinking.

I still remember and love the man before the alcohol took over. I will always love him.

BUT.

He was a terrible partner. That is just the TRUTH.

My husband now is a terrific father, partner, and friend. Our love is comfortable, sweet, steady, and good. It’s less of a fireworks display and more of a cozy fire.

In my experience, there are all kinds of different love. The crazy love with my alcoholic ex felt like adrenaline, but it also gave me endless anxiety. The good love with my current partner feels like peace.

Sometimes I miss the adrenaline a bit, but that’s normal.

I would never go back.

velma929

No matter what I did to promote a healthy atmosphere at home, my late AH was going to drink. I know he loved me (well, he did the best he could, considering he was an addict) but life wasn't easy with him.

Shortly after he died, I got a second job, and one of my colleagues was an addict, too. He's a nice man. He means well. But as far as work, he'd disappear for weeks at a time. He moved away, and I got another job. We've remained Facebook friends, and I pray for him and wish him well. Gotta tell you, it's a lot easier to love an addict from afar. It's more peaceful, and much better for my physical and mental health. The physical distance helps to reinforce the concenpt that I can do nothing to help him or change the course of his life. And - I have no right to require/expect him to live the life *I* would like for him.

trailmix

Well and I mean this kindly, you have already been down this road.

It takes time to separate yourself from someone you have been around for so long, no doubt. No contact would be of great help, probably to both of you, why keep reopening this circular discussion that just hurts you both and really doesn't accomplish anything, for either of you? If you don't take that time apart, you can't really hope to get past this. Time is the only thing that is going to fix this and realistically looking at your ex. Nothing has changed. Nothing. He is still an active alcoholic, you still wish/hope/think you might save him or fix him. Which would be really nice by the way and It would be great if that happened, but it hasn't.

You were with him for 8 years, today he is still an alcoholic. If love and care and support etc could "fix" this, then he wouldn't be drunk, but it can't and he is. He went to rehab, to get help from professionals, which did not help him because he is not ready to quit, or can't quit.

This is just wishful thinking, it has no basis in reality and while he might have great potential as a partner, you can't have a relationship with potential, well you can, but it's guaranteed to hurt you.

The truth is, if you decide to go back to him, you will need to accept him just the way he is, an active alcoholic. Not his potential, not what you wish he was, but what he actually is.

Do you think you could do that? If not, then really you wouldn't just be wasting your own time, you would also be wasting his time and hurting him.

Oglsby

There are definitely plenty of alcoholics who have NO intention of ever quitting drinking. I come from a background from teenage years where drinking heavily was very common amongst my peers. I found that when I tried to get sober I stopped hanging out with most of them, because it seemed as though every activity centered on drinking.

We definitely cannot change other people, and it is a very slippery slope to try. With that said, many of us have tried, only to get frustrated. The only person you can truly change is yourself, and how you deal with and react/interact to others.

SparkleKitty

Are you seeking treatement for your obsessive compulsive and anxiety disorders? Those things are beyond the experience, strength and hope of an internet forum, and while you seem to "know" all of the ins and outs of caring for an alcoholic, it feels to me like you are having trouble accepting them as real, out of your control, and detrimental to your emotional wellbeing. If you are not seeking the help you need to deal with your own struggles, I gently suggest you start there. His issues are really only a distraction.