Bookbuff

Hi. Im looking for some understanding . My brain hurts from overthinking. I found my boyfriend was using cocaine and got it delivered to my house and i finished things. My best friend died from addiction 3 years ago, he knew this. I honestly got freaked out finding out about the cocaine so i finished it.
He is now back with his ex who is also a cocaine user. He moved on so quick. Im in a really bad anxiety state. I feel foolish and ive never used drugs so I do not understand.
He contacted me a few weeks ago prentending he had not moved on but he has been seen with this girl and now its all official and they getting married
I feel lost now

biminiblue

You did the right thing, you saved yourself. There is no way you could have known beforehand that he was involved with drugs if he didn't tell you.

It's Human Nature to think, "Why didn't he quit for meee?" but that was not the path he desired. He wasn't done destroying himself and wants to keep using. Addiction is a very hard thing to understand even for the person using the drug and it's very hard to quit if there haven't been serious consequences for them yet.

This is not what you want to hear, but you know it's true - you dodged a bullet. Thank your lucky stars.

I think this is a good thing to learn and that is to go very slowly and carefully with new people. It takes a long time to get to know someone.

Bookbuff

Thank you so much for the kind words and the reply. My family and friends think im crazy being upset but it blindsided me. I had no idea he was using at all, it has made me so anxious and upset. I trusted him so much and he moved on so quick.

Bute

Hello Bookbuff
He moved on quickly, as he wasn't prepared to give up using - this new person uses herself, so he doesn't have to hide anything. This should tell you how his mind works.
You will be hurt, as we can't just turn our feelings off, but, I 100% agree, that you dodged a bullet. Your life would half been full of hurt and chaos, whereas now, you're hurt, but that hurt will heal.
Block him! Go no contact. Your life will get better.
Sending a hug
Much Love
Bute x

biminiblue

People don't really empathize or sympathize very well. None of us do. We all want our loved ones to be happy and we are relieved when they get out of a bad situation like you did.

They are trying to give you their opinion, that's all it is. You will learn something from them.

We get it. And, yeah. like Bute said - it's gonna hurt for a while.

I know that when betrayal happens it sends me for a loop, too. Find a lesson in it if you can. There is a lesson to learn from everyone who comes into my life. I may not like the lesson, but there is one.

Bookbuff

Biminiblue and Bute

Thank you both for your responses. I get its easy for him to use now with no secrets and they are on each others level. I just struggle with the thoughts of them together now, like I meant nothing. If id stayed with him my adult children who are in university and still at home would have moved out. Im still afraid drug dealers will come my house now since he let them deliver here. Maybe its best he with new girl (well actually his ex before me). So no scary people at my door.

I trusted him and ive lost so many friends and family recently. I thought he was being honest with me. When we starting seeing each other I told him no drugs or id walk.

I was hoping when i finished it he would tell me he was getting help. Instead more lies. I was paying some his bills and buying food etc, he was telling me child supports and alimony were taking all his money. In fact, it was leaving funds for coke.

I cry most days and my thoughts are consumed. I think i need some therapy.

Hard each day😪

biminiblue

It will get better, it will.

Grief isn't a switch. It usually takes me six months to get over a romantic entanglement. I'm sorry you're in pain. Therapy might help, but it's still just going to take time. Keep talking here if it helps.

When I'm in some kind of acute pain like this, I have a journal on my computer for "saying" all the things I don't want to say out loud or the things that are just too painful to have anyone else say anything to me or judge me about. Typing out all my anger and disbelief once a day for just a few minutes really helps. I set a timer and I give myself 10 minutes to wallow, then go back to my day. Any time *it* comes up in my thoughts during the rest of the day I say to myself, "Yeah, I'll deal with that in the morning during my anger journal." That really helps me divert myself from thinking about it non-stop. Then I can just go back in and delete the journal entry later! It's very cathartic and it's a really effective thought-switching technique for me.

Some therapists aren't really very good at their jobs, so buyer beware! ( ask me how I know!)

Bookbuff

Thank you biminiblue, sorry you have bad experience with therapy. I am journaling, its messy scrolls but im trying. I wish i didnt live near these people but i am doing my best to steee clear any places i know they might frequent.

I have to give it to him, such a good liar and i believed he was not interested in this girl as he had nothing good to say about her. Im sure its my turn to be the villian now.

Im focusing hard on work and home projects. I pray each day my heart and head find peace and i hope the same for all us on this forum who love an addict. 😢

Bute

I always found that being " mad, not sad", helped me move forwards. A healthy anger. An " up yours" kind of anger. Know what I mean?
Sure, you'll have your "bubbling" moments, and that's ok. You're better than all that crap, and deserve better. Believe in that! Let them have their crazy, chaos filled lifestyle. Who would want it!
Much Love
Bute x

Bookbuff

Thank you Bute
just had long walk and thought I felt anger, like a fed up anger and then I see your message. Yes that lifestyle not my thing. Thank you. Im grateful for the understanding and advice today.

Leopol

Dear bookbuff,
im sorry for what you are going through. The pain and insanity of having a relationship broken due to addiction is hard. My ex struggled with alcohol and cocaine addiction and when I confronted him about it by finally telling the truth he moved on as quick as could be and it was something I could not comprehend. We lived together for years, had a dog together and he never once asked how our dog is. I’m almost a year out now and the only thing I can say for a fact is that it will get better and whatever hurts a lot now will certainly hurt a lot less in time. This forum has helped me tremendously so I hope it will help you too. Something you may not realize right now yet is that you have no idea how lucky you are that he let you go. Life with an addict in active addiction is manipulation, it’s lies, it’s dishonest and complete chaos. I was so hurt that he didn’t get clean for me but I realized he just really couldn’t and that’s how addiction works. I’m at the stage now where I feel lucky he let me go and I can finally say thank you.

And ps. Find a channel for your anger and in my case it was definitely rage haha, it will do you good!

Bookbuff

Thank you Leopol
ive come off social media as i cannot take anymore of their all of a sudden happiness. Ive asked ppl stop sending and telling me things. I feel so naesous. Its painful. He really did a number on me but she accepts the cocaine and uses too. I hope they both leave me alone. I think he is enjoying that ppl will tell me. Cruel. He still has some of my things. I will never get them back now. I wish id never start seeing him

Leopol

Bookbuff, no contact is definitely a good choice. Really the only way forward in my opinion but that differs from person to person. Can I just say that you are so strong and well equipped to go through this storm? Telling people to stop giving you updates, going off social media, and of course the initial strength and courage to stand up for yourself and say NO to allow drug abuse in your life. It’s a sign of strength, a sign of strong boundaries and a sign you know who you are and what kind of life you want to live. I know you’re hurting and grieving and that is Oke, allow yourself to feel all of those things. But also be proud of yourself for doing the right thing and standing up for yourself and saying NO. You’ve taken yourself out of harms way and that is something to celebrate. Through the tears, through the anger, say thank you to yourself for being there for you. ❤️❤️❤️❤️ one day at a time

biminiblue

Do something really nice for yourself today. Take a walk around some water. Buy some new little bauble. Read a magazine or watch a funny movie.

One day at a time, Bookbuff.

Bookbuff

Im so grateful Leopol and Biminiblue
I am in work now and its hard to concentrate but your kind words make me feel not so alone. Having someone to understand is beyond anything I thought id find. I understand my loved ones are tired of all this with me. Im a good person and just didn't expect this. I will have to learn to toughen up and find the lesson in this
Even coming to work today was hard, I feel like ive been hit by a train. I am going to try be kinder to myself. All this drama is too much for any human. I hope I will come to the realisation id a lucky escape
🥺❤️

Leopol

Bookbuff, its so tough but hang in there. glad to help you feel not alone. I hope you never feel alone because you are not alone! this forum is filled with people who are battling somewhat the same storms. some are further ahead and some are behind or right beside us. Give yourself time and grace, you are a rockstar for showing up to work and trying to make the best of it. of course you couldn't concentrate to the best of your ability but hey, you made it to work and you tried. that is 100% better than nothing at all. be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to cry and mourn, its all part of the healing. and please reach out whenever you want <3

Bookbuff

Thank you Leopol. Just reading all the messages here gives me support. Im so grateful

trailmix

hi book, so sorry you got hurt in all of this.

For an addict, whether addicted to alcohol, cocaine or heroin, THE most important thing to them is their drug. More important than their children, husband/wife, job, you, even themselves.

So no, you didn't mean nothing, this was not about you, it was about him being forced to make a choice (and good for you for forcing that issue and holding your boundary). He would always have chosen the drugs, as you have experienced.

You were blindsided, but many people are, most people don't know that much about addiction, because why would you? As soon as you challenged him, you entered the "enemy" camp - the enemy of the addiction never wins.

So this may be hard to wrap your head around, but it's not personal (the hurt he caused is), but it's not about you as a person or how attached or not he was to you. Drugs are his first love.

It will take time to heal from all of this, of course. As time goes by you will start to feel better as you heal. You will go minutes then hours without him crossing your mind. But again, it will take time. You will get there, you will be ok.

Bookbuff

Thank you Trailmix
The very idea he had these drugs in my home is disgusting. He tried to justify it saying it was only a couple of times but when challenged with getting help he went quiet. Im glad I don't have that in my life. Looking back he could be sick and moody a lot, stay all day on recliner. Must have been the comedown but stated he was sick stomach flu a lot.
Also now im being pointed out his physical apprearance, dental hygiene etc were lacking. I can see his now from standing back.
I feel used, financially and emotionally drained from this relationship. Its made me sick so I need to get some professional help here. I feel consumed with thoughts
😔😔

trailmix

I do hope you will be able to find a therapist that can help you Book. It is important to reach out for help. Post here as often as you feel like it.

Also, you might want to read around the this forum as well as the Friends and Family of Alcoholics - https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

I am sure you will find many stories from people that you will be able to relate to and that can be comforting.

It's difficult when you thought a person was one way then find out he was another and with no warning (well no warning that you could identify at the time). In fact there is a slightly similar thread right now in the forum above (about being blindsided), that thread is here:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ationship.html (Why did he suddenly end our loving relationship?)