Sad tonight
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Join Date: Jul 2022
Posts: 526
Sad tonight
I just am reaching out cause I feel so sad tonight. I’m really feeling alone. I feel angry and feel like I may be taking things too personal but I feel sometimes I’ve had a raw deal… I think in many ways I have. I know it’s not on the topic of drinking and I don’t mean to complain but I feel like I am always there for other people in every way and it feels like I get ignored often. Some of my long term friends have seen it with my parents … it’s almost like I’ve been so independent that I’ve been ignored… and neglected… in my adult life I chose partners who treated me that way… I have had 5 miscarriages and never had a child to full term and that has always hurt. I wanted to be a mother. I feel like I’ve been on a wheel working working working. I was a workaholic for many years before I drank. I knew I needed a break from work and saved money and gave myself 3-6 months of a sabbatical so to speak and moved. I think I even knew a year ago when I was planning taking the time off that not drinking would be part of the equation… I feel like I’m in the thick of it now with emotions. Like I have removed all my armor and I’m raw an emotionally naked. I feel lost in ways but I trust in god but it still feels like I’m in emotional turmoil handling thoughts of remembering things in my childhood and early adulthood that I wanted to forget. Mostly being ignored and extremely neglected. Both my parents have apologized to me separately… it’s actually the only time I’ve seen my father cry is when he apologized for being so absent. By most peoples accounts I now have a good relationship with my parents and step parents but it’s like the damage was done in a sense where I don’t feel worthy of love and belonging. I watch dr Phil a lot (I know silly lol) and it’s funny cause when he has teenagers on the show and they have been through just a small piece of what I went through he is shocked and lays into the parents for neglecting the kids and it always makes me cry cause it’s mellow compared to how I was ignored. I think I just made excuses for everything that has happened to me because I don’t like to seem like a victim. I guess I am just figuring this all out. I am determined to get past this and get better. I am determined to connect to my soul and feel Worthy. I will do the work. I won’t drink. I just feel sometimes like I want a family that isn’t checked out. I could get away with drinking or anything really and the message was clear as long as I didn’t make waves in the house (stayed unfeeling) then my well being never seemed to matter. I always wanted to feel the love of someone actually concerned about me. I craved it growing up. Thank you all for hearing me vent. I didn’t want to check out tonight so I came here to write and tell my story. Maybe someone can relate.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,477
Hi AJ a lot of us find that when we get sober we uncover things in the past that we haven’t really processed fully.
I think it’s normal to have regret and guilt and sadness.
The thing is tho… we can’t return to the past no matter how much we want to…we can’t change a second of what’s gone before…but we can heal from past trauma. It’s not an instant thing but it can absolutely happen.
Some of us make the journey ourselves and others get therapy or counselling, but healing is absolutely possible.
We can also do an awful lot with our present and our future. Your life is not over..in many ways it’s just beginning
D
I think it’s normal to have regret and guilt and sadness.
The thing is tho… we can’t return to the past no matter how much we want to…we can’t change a second of what’s gone before…but we can heal from past trauma. It’s not an instant thing but it can absolutely happen.
Some of us make the journey ourselves and others get therapy or counselling, but healing is absolutely possible.
We can also do an awful lot with our present and our future. Your life is not over..in many ways it’s just beginning
D
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,426
AJ, very sorry about your miscarriages and the negative emotions you have from your childhood. Like Dee said, taking away the alcohol fake security blanket both brings these suppressed emotions to the surface and removes the mechanism by which you have coped with them.
For me it was guilt of having not been the person I wanted to be, and thoughts of what could have been if not for the alcohol.
As you continue to move forward in your sober journey, those emotions don't go away, but they do become less intense and you can view them in a way that is more healthy.
For me it was guilt of having not been the person I wanted to be, and thoughts of what could have been if not for the alcohol.
As you continue to move forward in your sober journey, those emotions don't go away, but they do become less intense and you can view them in a way that is more healthy.
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: NC
Posts: 5,163
Hey AJ vent away. It does help.
Glad you decided to write instead of drink.
We will listen to whatever is on your mind. Doesn't have to be specific to alcohol.
We All have, had, these emotions.
Let it out, work through them and some we just have to throw away.
My wife too wanted a child but mother nature did not have that in her plans. It did haunt her for a while but she has come to terms with it. You are not alone.
You Are special, You Are worthy.
Do Not believe any different.
Here's to another sober day.
It is a roller coaster ride, you are on the down side but inevitably you will be on the up side.
Just don't drink today
Glad you decided to write instead of drink.
We will listen to whatever is on your mind. Doesn't have to be specific to alcohol.
We All have, had, these emotions.
Let it out, work through them and some we just have to throw away.
My wife too wanted a child but mother nature did not have that in her plans. It did haunt her for a while but she has come to terms with it. You are not alone.
You Are special, You Are worthy.
Do Not believe any different.
Here's to another sober day.
It is a roller coaster ride, you are on the down side but inevitably you will be on the up side.
Just don't drink today
Member
Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 12,514
AJ, I too wanted to have children but it just didn't work out for Mr. A and I and as for being ignored, that was my life growing up and even as an adult. My parents never once said love you to me or gave me praise. My brother and sister heard it frequently. As an adult when I met some of my sister's friends they said " I didn't know you had a sister" . When I met some of my parents friends I heard " we didn't know you had another daughter. My Mom would tell them " she is out best kept secret." Sigh..Nice. I most definitely feel your pain and fully support you.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,699
Hi, AJ. I'm so glad that you are here!
Good job posting when you're down and ailing instead of downing some ale then posting.
This stood out to me.
People are imperfect. We are all selfish and silly and thoughtless from time to time. Myself certainly included. I have to keep my own shortcomings at the front of my mind so as to keep from harshly judging others.
It turns out, harsh judgement is my go-to means of self-defense. It's my mom's favorite, too, so I learned from a master......as in..."Look at what she's doing! OMG! I tutored her children, went grocery shopping for her, and watered her plants when she had COVID, and she didn't even invite me to her daughter's baby shower! The nerve!"
My mom is very giving and kind. But her kindness is laced with SILENT REQUIREMENTS, and other people can sense them. So her giving isn't always appreciated. It's definitely not appreciated as much as she thinks it ought to be. Her presence isn't always desired.
I'm certainly not trying to say that you go to this extreme, but it is helpful for me to remember that giving in anticipation of receiving, is not really giving at all. That's hard, because, as human beings, we all want/need other people to reciprocate help and emotion. It is fine to be human! I just have to remember that other people are human, too. I am frequently guilty of writing my own SILENT REQUIREMENTS. Other people do not "owe" me anything. They probably do not see the world in the same way that I see it.
Trying to recognize and destroy the unrealistic expectations I had established for other people has really helped me feel more sane and balanced. I still feel sad at times, but it helps me to remember that I, alone, am responsible for my own care and worth.
You have God-given worth, AJ. It is unaffected by how others treat you, but you can watch that treatment to determine whether those folks are worthy of your continued time and care.
I hope that today dawns brighter for you.
Much love,
-TC
Good job posting when you're down and ailing instead of downing some ale then posting.
This stood out to me.
Originally Posted by AJ143143 
I feel like I am always there for other people in every way and it feels like I get ignored often
It turns out, harsh judgement is my go-to means of self-defense. It's my mom's favorite, too, so I learned from a master......as in..."Look at what she's doing! OMG! I tutored her children, went grocery shopping for her, and watered her plants when she had COVID, and she didn't even invite me to her daughter's baby shower! The nerve!"
My mom is very giving and kind. But her kindness is laced with SILENT REQUIREMENTS, and other people can sense them. So her giving isn't always appreciated. It's definitely not appreciated as much as she thinks it ought to be. Her presence isn't always desired.
I'm certainly not trying to say that you go to this extreme, but it is helpful for me to remember that giving in anticipation of receiving, is not really giving at all. That's hard, because, as human beings, we all want/need other people to reciprocate help and emotion. It is fine to be human! I just have to remember that other people are human, too. I am frequently guilty of writing my own SILENT REQUIREMENTS. Other people do not "owe" me anything. They probably do not see the world in the same way that I see it.
Trying to recognize and destroy the unrealistic expectations I had established for other people has really helped me feel more sane and balanced. I still feel sad at times, but it helps me to remember that I, alone, am responsible for my own care and worth.
You have God-given worth, AJ. It is unaffected by how others treat you, but you can watch that treatment to determine whether those folks are worthy of your continued time and care.
I hope that today dawns brighter for you.
Much love,
-TC
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: NC
Posts: 5,163
Originally Posted by ToughChoices
Hi, AJ. I'm so glad that you are here!
Good job posting when you're down and ailing instead of downing some ale then posting.
This stood out to me.
People are imperfect. We are all selfish and silly and thoughtless from time to time. Myself certainly included. I have to keep my own shortcomings at the front of my mind so as to keep from harshly judging others.
It turns out, harsh judgement is my go-to means of self-defense. It's my mom's favorite, too, so I learned from a master......as in..."Look at what she's doing! OMG! I tutored her children, went grocery shopping for her, and watered her plants when she had COVID, and she didn't even invite me to her daughter's baby shower! The nerve!"
My mom is very giving and kind. But her kindness is laced with SILENT REQUIREMENTS, and other people can sense them. So her giving isn't always appreciated. It's definitely not appreciated as much as she thinks it ought to be. Her presence isn't always desired.
I'm certainly not trying to say that you go to this extreme, but it is helpful for me to remember that giving in anticipation of receiving, is not really giving at all. That's hard, because, as human beings, we all want/need other people to reciprocate help and emotion. It is fine to be human! I just have to remember that other people are human, too. I am frequently guilty of writing my own SILENT REQUIREMENTS. Other people do not "owe" me anything. They probably do not see the world in the same way that I see it.
Trying to recognize and destroy the unrealistic expectations I had established for other people has really helped me feel more sane and balanced. I still feel sad at times, but it helps me to remember that I, alone, am responsible for my own care and worth.
You have God-given worth, AJ. It is unaffected by how others treat you, but you can watch that treatment to determine whether those folks are worthy of your continued time and care.
I hope that today dawns brighter for you.
Much love,
-TC
Good job posting when you're down and ailing instead of downing some ale then posting.
This stood out to me.
People are imperfect. We are all selfish and silly and thoughtless from time to time. Myself certainly included. I have to keep my own shortcomings at the front of my mind so as to keep from harshly judging others.
It turns out, harsh judgement is my go-to means of self-defense. It's my mom's favorite, too, so I learned from a master......as in..."Look at what she's doing! OMG! I tutored her children, went grocery shopping for her, and watered her plants when she had COVID, and she didn't even invite me to her daughter's baby shower! The nerve!"
My mom is very giving and kind. But her kindness is laced with SILENT REQUIREMENTS, and other people can sense them. So her giving isn't always appreciated. It's definitely not appreciated as much as she thinks it ought to be. Her presence isn't always desired.
I'm certainly not trying to say that you go to this extreme, but it is helpful for me to remember that giving in anticipation of receiving, is not really giving at all. That's hard, because, as human beings, we all want/need other people to reciprocate help and emotion. It is fine to be human! I just have to remember that other people are human, too. I am frequently guilty of writing my own SILENT REQUIREMENTS. Other people do not "owe" me anything. They probably do not see the world in the same way that I see it.
Trying to recognize and destroy the unrealistic expectations I had established for other people has really helped me feel more sane and balanced. I still feel sad at times, but it helps me to remember that I, alone, am responsible for my own care and worth.
You have God-given worth, AJ. It is unaffected by how others treat you, but you can watch that treatment to determine whether those folks are worthy of your continued time and care.
I hope that today dawns brighter for you.
Much love,
-TC
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,527
AJ, dealing with the emotions and our post issues after we're sober and in recovery is very hard. And, it's really hard to get past childhood trauma. I'm glad that your parents apologized to you. You said you are just figuring things out and that's what you need to do. It's a journey and it takes time and patience, but you will get to where you want to be.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,584
AJ, I'm so glad you posted. I definitely relate to a lot of the struggles you shared.
It seems to me, you're doing such a great job of taking care of yourself, in the way that you were not taken care of earlier in life. You've purposely taken a break from workaholism and drinking, and you're using the time to pay attention to the emotional turmoil. You're not ignoring and neglecting yourself ... you're attending to the pain that happened and trying to sort through it. I believe it will really pay off, though it may feel so turbulent right now.
You're not alone ... please feel free to keep sharing here.
It seems to me, you're doing such a great job of taking care of yourself, in the way that you were not taken care of earlier in life. You've purposely taken a break from workaholism and drinking, and you're using the time to pay attention to the emotional turmoil. You're not ignoring and neglecting yourself ... you're attending to the pain that happened and trying to sort through it. I believe it will really pay off, though it may feel so turbulent right now.
You're not alone ... please feel free to keep sharing here.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,984
Hi AJ, resolving childhood/adult trauma is crucial to my sobriety. I found a way to "let-go" of the emotional baggage I had with childhood trauma. The memories of the trauma have no emotional impact on my life today. If anything I feel my adult self hugging my childhood self. What I found with "letting-go" is it takes no effort unlike hanging on which takes a ton of effort and is emotionally draining.
Practice self-care and the healing will come.
Practice self-care and the healing will come.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,608
I can relate Alpine.
It's taken me nearly 3 years (sober) to even broach the stuff you talk about. So much loss. So much trauma. It's been difficult for me to look at, or to even take a peek.
Childhood abuse, Metoo. But I've started, and am beginning Therapy for ptsd, as well as mother daughter talk with my daughter's psychiatrist. She has mental health issues and seems that in my attempts to help her all of my own (past) trauma has been resurrected. It's been horrible. It's been scary. But I'm looking forward to understanding it all. To care for myself.
And as for emotionally absent mothers! Lol.
My mother had about 20 framed photographs of all family members on the mantle piece of our old home. There was not one picture of me anywhere. Even after I graduated university as mature age student the only photo that went to celebrate it was a picture of my brother wearing my mortarboard in mock pose. 😳
I asked her why there was no photo of me, and she said she didn't have one. This was an outright lie, but still I said nothing. But I'm about to start. Not in revenge, but in caring about Myself, now.
Maybe therapy might help you AJ?
It's taken me nearly 3 years (sober) to even broach the stuff you talk about. So much loss. So much trauma. It's been difficult for me to look at, or to even take a peek.
Childhood abuse, Metoo. But I've started, and am beginning Therapy for ptsd, as well as mother daughter talk with my daughter's psychiatrist. She has mental health issues and seems that in my attempts to help her all of my own (past) trauma has been resurrected. It's been horrible. It's been scary. But I'm looking forward to understanding it all. To care for myself.
And as for emotionally absent mothers! Lol.
My mother had about 20 framed photographs of all family members on the mantle piece of our old home. There was not one picture of me anywhere. Even after I graduated university as mature age student the only photo that went to celebrate it was a picture of my brother wearing my mortarboard in mock pose. 😳
I asked her why there was no photo of me, and she said she didn't have one. This was an outright lie, but still I said nothing. But I'm about to start. Not in revenge, but in caring about Myself, now.
Maybe therapy might help you AJ?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2022
Posts: 526
I am overwhelmed with gratitude by everyone’s responses. I’m working but can’t wait to get home to reply to everyone’s very supportive responses. Thank you all. Tomorrow is one week. Today was the first day I felt like having a drink … which I feel good / thankful I went a whole week without it bothering me. I will get through though. I’m telling my AV to shut up today and know that these are just moments , maybe hours. And I will be happy and proud of myself I didn’t drink. It always subsides. Always.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 12,514
AJ, keep knocking that av down. What helps me is to run that tape forward and I also run it backwards to see what happens when I drink. I also think about what the members here would say to me if I said I was going to drink. I like their voices better than the av.
Steely, I so understand the no pictures. My mom has pictures of my sister and brother all over the place and the fridge is covered as well. There is one small pictured on the side tucked low down where no one can see it. I am the nonexistent daughter. Sorry AJ, I do not want to hijack your thread.
AJ, one week is awesome and amazing!!
Steely, I so understand the no pictures. My mom has pictures of my sister and brother all over the place and the fridge is covered as well. There is one small pictured on the side tucked low down where no one can see it. I am the nonexistent daughter. Sorry AJ, I do not want to hijack your thread.
AJ, one week is awesome and amazing!!
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Childhood trauma, neglect, and abuse has a lasting impact. I am sorry for what you experienced as a child. I am sorry that the neglect has now surfaced. There are many of us here that have those deeper wounds we are healing from. It takes a lot of work and a lot of compassion towards oneself. You are doing the work. Feeling it. Understanding it. Finding solutions. Choosing not to escape is one of the best things you can do for yourself.
All is not lost when it comes to children. If a child is something that you truly want then this will become a part of your reality. There are many children who need homes and perhaps adoption can be something you think about. Foster Parenting. Working with children in some capacity. Sometimes we have to think outside of the box and set about to make our dreams a reality.
Its good you are here. Keep posting and sharing. We do understand. Im happy you are here.
All is not lost when it comes to children. If a child is something that you truly want then this will become a part of your reality. There are many children who need homes and perhaps adoption can be something you think about. Foster Parenting. Working with children in some capacity. Sometimes we have to think outside of the box and set about to make our dreams a reality.
Its good you are here. Keep posting and sharing. We do understand. Im happy you are here.
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