Sad tonight
I just am reaching out cause I feel so sad tonight. I’m really feeling alone. I feel angry and feel like I may be taking things too personal but I feel sometimes I’ve had a raw deal… I think in many ways I have. I know it’s not on the topic of drinking and I don’t mean to complain but I feel like I am always there for other people in every way and it feels like I get ignored often. Some of my long term friends have seen it with my parents … it’s almost like I’ve been so independent that I’ve been ignored… and neglected… in my adult life I chose partners who treated me that way… I have had 5 miscarriages and never had a child to full term and that has always hurt. I wanted to be a mother. I feel like I’ve been on a wheel working working working. I was a workaholic for many years before I drank. I knew I needed a break from work and saved money and gave myself 3-6 months of a sabbatical so to speak and moved. I think I even knew a year ago when I was planning taking the time off that not drinking would be part of the equation… I feel like I’m in the thick of it now with emotions. Like I have removed all my armor and I’m raw an emotionally naked. I feel lost in ways but I trust in god but it still feels like I’m in emotional turmoil handling thoughts of remembering things in my childhood and early adulthood that I wanted to forget. Mostly being ignored and extremely neglected. Both my parents have apologized to me separately… it’s actually the only time I’ve seen my father cry is when he apologized for being so absent. By most peoples accounts I now have a good relationship with my parents and step parents but it’s like the damage was done in a sense where I don’t feel worthy of love and belonging. I watch dr Phil a lot (I know silly lol) and it’s funny cause when he has teenagers on the show and they have been through just a small piece of what I went through he is shocked and lays into the parents for neglecting the kids and it always makes me cry cause it’s mellow compared to how I was ignored. I think I just made excuses for everything that has happened to me because I don’t like to seem like a victim. I guess I am just figuring this all out. I am determined to get past this and get better. I am determined to connect to my soul and feel Worthy. I will do the work. I won’t drink. I just feel sometimes like I want a family that isn’t checked out. I could get away with drinking or anything really and the message was clear as long as I didn’t make waves in the house (stayed unfeeling) then my well being never seemed to matter. I always wanted to feel the love of someone actually concerned about me. I craved it growing up. Thank you all for hearing me vent. I didn’t want to check out tonight so I came here to write and tell my story. Maybe someone can relate.