Hi, AJ. I'm so glad that you are here!
Good job posting when you're down and ailing instead of downing some ale then posting.
This stood out to me.
People are imperfect. We are all selfish and silly and thoughtless from time to time. Myself
certainly included. I have to keep my own shortcomings at the front of my mind so as to keep from harshly judging others.
It turns out, harsh judgement is my go-to means of self-defense. It's my mom's favorite, too, so I learned from a master......as in..."Look at what she's doing! OMG! I tutored her children, went grocery shopping for her, and watered her plants when she had COVID, and she didn't even invite me to her daughter's baby shower! The nerve!"
My mom is very giving and kind. But her kindness is laced with SILENT REQUIREMENTS, and other people can sense them. So her giving isn't always appreciated. It's definitely not appreciated as much as she thinks it ought to be. Her presence isn't always desired.
I'm certainly not trying to say that you go to this extreme, but it is helpful for me to remember that giving in anticipation of receiving, is not really giving at all. That's hard, because, as human beings, we all want/need other people to reciprocate help and emotion. It is fine to be human! I just have to remember that other people are human, too. I am frequently guilty of writing my own SILENT REQUIREMENTS. Other people do not "owe" me anything. They probably do not see the world in the same way that I see it.
Trying to recognize and destroy the unrealistic expectations I had established for other people has really helped me feel more sane and balanced. I still feel sad at times, but it helps me to remember that I, alone, am responsible for my own care and worth.
You have God-given worth, AJ. It is unaffected by how others treat you, but you can watch that treatment to determine whether those folks are worthy of your continued time and care.
I hope that today dawns brighter for you.
Much love,
-TC