KayM

I would greatly appreciate hearing from people who have struggled with the impact of being ACOA for decades, if possible.

I'm a 60F, both parents dead, so I'm dealing only with the after-effects of being ACOA and, really, there was more damage from the resulting dysfunction than from the drinking, which was closeted and not the main "feature" in our household.

I have avoided dealing with learning to be a stable adult since I first figured out how f***ed up I am, back in my 20's. I want to deal with it, but it feels like I have a bottomless pit of confusion and issues in my brain and psyche, so I give up and just keep on, keeping on. I also am of half a mind to believe that I need to stop blaming the clusterf*** that is my existence on how my childhood went down and just get on with it, dammit.

But I'm now retired and trying to finally live the way I've want to (while simultaneously trying to figure out what I want). One thing I'm noticing is that there are basic life skills that 1) my parents never taught me and 2) because I was embarrassed that I didn't have those skills, I was unable to ask to learn them and 3) I'm just lazy, by nature. I would like to know how "normal" people clean their houses. What tasks are involved in cleaning a house? How often do those tasks get done? How do you get over your distaste for those tasks and just do it? (I'm also suffering the effects of ADHD.)

I know there are sites and books out there about housecleaning, but they're not from a 60-year-old-who-never-learned perspective. I need to know how teenagers normally get taught this stuff, but I need it in adult language.

Any suggestions?

trailmix

Hi Kay. It's interesting that you touch on cleaning in particular because I've noticed that people are so different in their approaches.

For me, I am tidy. I clean up after myself (generally) right away, like if I cook/bake I clean as I go. Leaving things (which I know people who do) will totally overwhelm most people, maybe that's how you feel?

I'm not a list person, I don't clean the bath on Monday and do laundry on Tuesday etc etc, I clean things as I like to when I want to. That might not work for you, maybe you need a list?

To get started, you may want to enlist some help, a cleaning service. Let them do the bulk of the work, it will be money well spent.

Then find what you are comfortable with. Does that mean cleaning for 4 hours on Monday only? Or putting half an hour (or less if you tidy as you go) in each day. Write a list of tasks that must be done weekly - like the bath and vacuuming, laundry, dusting etc etc, ensure these get done. But the most important tip, don't let things slide, clean as you go. Walking by the hall table and it's dusty? Get a cloth and do that now.

I also keep things handy. I have a small bucket with all my cleaning supplies. I use foaming cleaner for mirrors and glass. Vim for the bathroom. I have a dish brush I use for the bath and sink. I have paper towel available on every level of the house, I can clean anything with that.

I clean the stove every time I use it. Takes less than 5 minutes. Get good tools, good cleaners and you are half way there.

I hope this helps!

KayM

I appreciate the input. Unfortunately, you lost me at "Write a list of tasks..." I have no clue what tasks are involved in cleaning, nor how to do them. I can look around my house and see things that I think should be cleaned, but it's - as you said - overwhelming, because (I think) of my ADHD. I need a list not only of what "normal" people clean in their house and how often, but HOW to clean them. What, exactly, are the good tools for each specific task?

I feel like I need to retake middle school home economics. It really seems like someone (someone who is both ACOA and ADHD, preferably) should write a book on things "grown-ups" do on a regular basis. Then I could pick and choose those things that apply to my situation. :-)

trailmix

That's probably a good idea, about the book!

Being overwhelmed, that's what will hold you up. First things first. Hire a cleaning service to do a complete cleaning of your place. You can be there, watch them, see what they use.

Now, like you said, not all tasks need to be done every day/week. That's part two. Focus on part one.

Watching them will help you get a great idea. Then you can look online for a basic cleaning list (no, not extensive, basic!). But again, that's later on.

JamesW

Hello Kay, you might find it helpful if you go to youtube and type in 'how to clean your home'. There are a huge range of videos, giving advice but also showing the processes and recommendations of products. I find watching someone doing a task in real time, step by step, incredibly useful in learning new skills. Best of luck.

Seren

Hello and welcome, Kay!

I am also a 'woman of a certain age', lol! And, I have adult ADD as well as being raised in the house of an untreated adult child of alcoholics--my mother. She passed in 2020, and my father is still alive. He is a man of his generation from whom expressions of affection are quite rare. So yeah, I get it.

I have a similar mindset in that I'm done blaming my upbringing for my own life. I seek out what I need to move forward. Counseling? Check! Self-help books sometimes? Check!

I try to tackle one thing at a time. What aspect of my personality is causing issues with my life? What can I do to work to improve that aspect or what habits can I develop to make things better for me and my family/friends/co-workers? That's how I have moved forward.

What, at this moment, is causing the most trouble for you? Can you define it? Start with that.

Lautca

Hi KayM. Your post is organized, which is an indication you can do that as one basic starting point. Like has already been said, there are youtube videos and books you can take a look-see at, which give basics about what you want to know.

To encourage you, do what is called "taking baby steps" when undertaking something that seems overwhelming to you. Just clean one little part of your floor, not the entire house. When you are done cleaning the part of the floor you are standing on, things are already better than they were a few minutes before. Just take one little thing at a time, and you will find that it wasn't as bad as you thought, so you can keep going. Sometimes people sabotage themselves by setting a goal that can't be accomplished, and then lament that what has to be done is just hopeless, and give up. Don't fall into that kind of trap.

Another thing, reward yourself when you accomplish a nasty task, like cleaning the bathroom sink or the toilet, but don't use rewards that are sources of trouble for you that you'll regret later - those are "anti-rewards" that will make you feel bad about everything good you just accomplished. Use things like stepping outside for a minute to enjoy the day - things like that.

Some of the books about house cleaning go into the psychology of house cleaning, and actually talk about rewards and how to prevent sabotaging yourself.

Good Luck!