Jw92

Hi everyone I'm new here. Firstly I will start by saying I am the partner of an alcoholic who I have been with for 10 years, a little over 8 of those years were spent in active alcoholism. Today he is 22 months sober in fellowship and life is great, however I am still struggling. I know I need Al-Anon as I stumbled on some podcasts a while ago and identified so much with them that I went to a meeting and so far I have been to three. I intend to keep going back. I decided to post on here because I have no one else I can speak to about this. The point of this post is codependency, I was listening to something yesterday and I realised that I am suffering with codependency. I am very much codependent on my partner and I don't know why, I don't know if I was like this before I met him or if this has happened as a result of living with alcoholism? I had only turned 20 when I got with him and had little life experience, I am confused about who I am and what I have become. Some days I feel like now he has stopped drinking, that I have some how become the problem, when in active drinking stages I/we always thought that once the drinking stopped everything would be ok. It's not, for me anyway. I don't know what I'm expecting from posting here, maybe just to hear others who have felt/feel the same? I'm struggling today. Thanks. X

velma929

I can't help much, my husband never stopped. My journey was about not expecting him to.

If you have a case of the 'if onlys,' getting over that is sometimes just part of growing up? "If only he'd stop drinking, everything would be fine." The things that precipitated the addiction need to be dealt with, for one thing. Life keeps coming at us with new stuff to deal with every day. It's never going to be perfect.

You don't say exactly how a problem is manifesting itself

Hawkeye13

When they get sober the focus shifts back to yourself, and issues that you may have had before you even met your partner. In my case, I grew up with alcoholic mother so a big issue I have is control. I also tend to walk on eggshells to keep the peace, not state my needs ( or even sometimes know them), and tend to worry about spouse’s possible relapse or drinking including checking hiding places and staying home to “manage” him and house instead of respecting his autonomy and sharing tasks more fairly. “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie really helped me see some of this and begin to heal. Whenever the issues started with you-either in the relationship or before, it will help as will your continuing attendance at Alanon and reflection and posting/ reading on this forum.

Glad your partner is sober and welcome!

Eauchiche

Dear Jw
AA describes the drink as a "symptom" of a "spiritual problem" that is alcoholism.
In my case, codependency was a group of coping mechanisms I learned from growing up in the home of an addict. This affected who I chose in friends and romantic relationships.
While I believe a healthy person could, in theory, choose an addict as a partner and become codependent, I doubt this is the case.

dandylion

Jw........welcome to the forum!
I m so glad that you are willing to engage in self-examination and trying to gain more self knowledge. It takes personal courage to do so.

You will notice that there is are so many ways of defining co-dependency.....and, it can be hard to wrap one's head around, at first. For me---the definition that seems to be most helpful is this one-----
"Co-dependency is less about the relationship with another person than it is about the absence of a relationship with the Self"

It is my own personal inclination to think that the "seeds" of future co-dependency are most likely sown during our growing-up years, at the hands of our caretakers and environmental situations.
lol....however, someone, like an alcoholic or another person can sure help cause the co-dependency needs to bubble up to the surface...LOL.

As you read through the thousands of the real life stories, on this forum, you will notice that so many people who have been living for a long time with an active alcoholic in the family, have come to have their lives dominated, more and more by the needs and behaviors of the alcoholic. It is not uncommon for them to come to believe that alcoholism is the only problem and that if the person just stops drinking, everything will be o.k.
It usually comes as quite a shock to learn that this is not the case----when/if the alcoholic stops consuming alcohol
The truth is, that it is not that simple, as people and relationships are more complex than that..

sage1969

I am confused about who I am and what I have become.

So this is what caught my eye, and this is what happens each time I've gotten deep into a codependent interaction -- I lose who I am. I've found that it comes down to not being able to keep myself separate from others' energy, I have to constantly work on my boundaries and the separation between myself and others.

You said you knew you were codependent with your qualifier who's in recovery. How do you know this, what are your behaviors and thoughts? How are these codependent, and if you were to make a list, how many of these place you second?

If you make an additional list, what are some things you've given up? Material things, dreams, things you're good at but don't make the time for?

Your qualifier is working recovery, and it's time for you to focus on you, to learn about you and find joy in being you.

dandylion

Jw.......I have noticed that there is a co-dependent workbook that is available on amazon.com, in the book section. I have heard that it is very helpful, although I have never used it myself.
perhaps, you might like read a description of that book on amazon and see what several thousand others have said about it.

I know, that, in the beginning, I found it hard to wrap my head around the whole co-dependency concept.

I hope that you are not getting your head too tangled up in who---yourself or your husband is THE Problem. It is not that black and white and that "simple". It is not about lol...it is not about establishing one "culprit". It is not just about blame and establishing who has the higher moral ground.
Relationships---and, especially close and intimate relationships (I'm not just talking about sex, here) are likened to a dance between the two individuals. A dancing together
Like the Argentine Tango.

I am giving you the following link to the |Argentine Tango----so you can see what I mean.

dandylion

Jw.......here is that link to the Argentine Tango

Argentina Tango Passion One of the Best Performances www.dance.newrat.com - Bing video

mylifeismine

Congrats to your husband for 22 months sobriety!
This is such a big transition for him and you, so big. Marrying at such a young age
you are both going to now be figuring out who you each are and how you interact
together without the tornado of alcoholism completely overshadowing any
normalcy in the relationship. It's not unusual to feel the need to see a
counselor, read books, attend alanon and get a sponsor for yourself, to immerse
yourself in your recovery, discover your likes, needs, dreams, goals, etc.
For me the hardest part was realizing how much I had lost myself. Then I
began to take time, all the time I needed, all the resources I could gather,
and figure out me. You will do it too, it's your journey. But remember, only people
who have been through it will understand, not others. ((hugs))

Jw92

Hi everyone, firstly thanks for all the responses. Secondly, apologies it's taken so long to reply, I couldn't figure out how to see if someone replied and have just found the thread again. The responses have given me a lot to think about and reflect on. I will take it all on board and keep attending alanon meetings. Thanks for the recommendations on the book/s too. I will certainly get myself a copy of those!

Jw92

Thank you. We are not married, I am now 30 and he is 38, though I don't think that matters. You are correct about alcoholism overshadowing everything. I fully intend to fully immerse myself now, and put some focus on to myself and my own recovery. I have already started reading some alanon literature and interacting with alanon members so hopefully I am on my way. Thanks again. X

Jw92

Thanks for this response. I don't want to say what my behaviours/thoughts are as I find some to be embarrassing however this has given me a lot to think about and certainly reflect on which I will do. Definitely will make a seperate list about the things I've given up, like ECT. I'm ready to focus on myself and my own recovery now, I knew alcoholism had affected me but only recently have I realised quite how much. Thanks again x

Jw92

Hi thanks for the response. This is what confuses me, I think, as from what I have read and heard so far a lot of people with codependency have so because they have grown up in or around alcoholism, however from what I can remember I had a great childhood and certainly was no alcoholism present in my life until I met my now partner of 10 years. I have however always suffered with low self esteem and what I have always believed and diagnosed as social anxiety though now I'm not so sure about that.

Jw92

Thank you. As far as I am concerned I had a great childhood and had no alcoholism present until I met my partner 10 years ago. I have however always suffered with low self esteem and everything that comes with it, so perhaps this is the case with me and that over the years in active alcoholism I have developed codependency. I'm not sure. I do intend however to continue to engage in alanon ECT and hopefully heal. Thanks for the book recommendation, I will certainly get myself a copy!

Eauchiche

Good afternoon.
I am kicking this thread.
I went to my very first AlAnon meeting in the mid 1980s. I remember hearing people share around the room with my mouth gaping open. They were describing my Dad.
My Dad had all the characteristics of an alcoholic until the day he died. If ONLY I had stayed in AlAnon after that first meeting, but denial took over. I never saw my Dad drink.
I still don't know if and when he drank. I never saw it.

Jw92

MY dad does drink, but isn't an alcoholic as far as I am aware and thinking back doesn't have the characteristics of an alcoholic either. That being said, he is a very 'keep it to yourself' kinda man. He doesn't share his business with anyone. Very financially focussed, and 'family is everything'. My mum in particular was emotionally abusive to me, mainly around my weight. I was put on diets from around 8 years old, she would say mean things often and still does. My very first breakup her words were 'lose weight and someone else will want you'. When I met my now partner she said when she first met him 'hes nice, get on the treadmill or he won't stick around'. Stuff like that. I can remember times she humiliated me in front of her friends ECT. I think this has damaged my emotional security and I think that is where my codependency has started and then living with active alcoholism for all of them years has been the catalyst. My sister has a canabis addiction and my brother has a gambling problem so there is definately something from childhood causing the issue. I believe it to be this.

dandylion

Jw.......I am sorry to hear what a demeaning thing that you mother did to you. That can really affect the self esteem of a young person.
Of course, while alcoholism can be very damaging-----there are other things that can be damaging, also.
It is interesting that the title of the group for the children of alcoholics is actually called "Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families".

advbike

Exactly! It is the dysfunction, and lack of consistent caregiving that causes the problems. Your mother was emotionally abusive to you.

We had all sorts of chaos in my family especially in the early years (age 0 to 5) - living in multiple countries, with different caregivers, loss of my sister in a plane crash, narcissistic family, alcoholic and absentee dad, ultra religious mother and so on. I came out of high school full of social anxiety and lacking direction, drank pretty heavily in my twenties, but pulled it together and had a great career. The problem was my relationships were (and still are to some extent) a mess.. and it wasn't until the last 10 years or so that I learned how codependent I am (as a man) and how the early experiences shaped my later experience.

I had a total lack of boundaries or ability to say NO, was always rescuing others, inability to ask for what I needed, massive fear of abandonment, always seeking to fill a void, etc. No wonder I drank regularly. But I had no clue about all of this, until in my late 40's when I was stuck in an unhappy LT relationship, a friend told me I was codependent - I didn't even know what the word meant. Then I met a guy on my travels, who founded a chapter of ACOA and he saw it right away after we talked for awhile. Opened my eyes.

Glad you're looking at it when you're still young. I highly recommend perusing the ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) literature and the list of traits - it was eye opening for me.

Jw92

That's terrible, I am sorry you had to go through all of that, and for the loss of your sister which I can only imagine the devastation that caused. For me, other than the emotional abuse I would describe my childhood as the 'ideal' childhood. I mean for a good few years now I have known that my mum was/is emotionally abusive however even now just saying that feels like I am being dramatic. Funnily enough my mum would often call me dramatic on many occasions for various things, so that is probably why. I mean I know full well what she did was emotionally abusive but my mind just automatically minimalises it, probably because like I say other than that I had an ideal childhood. I like you suffered with social anxiety, I'd say starting from high school age through to well, now. I was first diagnosed with it properly when I was about 16, I am 30 now. I am the same as in lack of boundaries, inability to say no, all of that stuff. Only now I am learning that I am codependent and what that even is. The whole thing is mind blowing. Thanks for the recommendation, could you please point me in the right direction of finding that literature? This is the first I have heard of it.

advbike

Here you go:

https://adultchildren.org/literature/laundry-list/

I sincerely hope it helps.

I strongly identified with at least half the items on that list when I first learned about it.