I feel like there’s something wrong with me
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Join Date: Jul 2022
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I feel like there’s something wrong with me
I should be able to leave my alcoholic boyfriend right? But I can’t. The thought of it breaks my heart. He’s not abusive, he’s never even raised his voice at me. He just drinks…and lies about it. I know I deserve better. Even he knows I deserve better. He’s even said so himself. So then why can’t I leave? I feel like there’s something wrong with me.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,481
Hi and welcome Bambee 
You've found a great place for support. There's tons of experience and understanding here
There's nothing wrong with loving someone - but if the relationship is affecting you negatively I think it's right to think about the future.
If nothing changes and your partner continues to drink, what would life be like - how much of that could you bear?
If you believe you deserve better then... you do
D
You've found a great place for support. There's tons of experience and understanding here
There's nothing wrong with loving someone - but if the relationship is affecting you negatively I think it's right to think about the future.
If nothing changes and your partner continues to drink, what would life be like - how much of that could you bear?
If you believe you deserve better then... you do
D
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Welcome, Bambee, glad you have found us. I think you will find lots you relate to here.
I completely get what you are saying, I felt that way too. When we are with an alcoholic we are often in a Trauma Bond. This is caused by the emotional highs and lows of the relationship. This bond is very difficult to break even though we know the person is not good for us and our wellbeing.
A book that has helped a lot of us is here is "Codependency No More" by Melody Beattie. I found it incredibly helpful and gave me insight as to why I behaved the way I did and then I was able to change it.
I really encourage you to read around the board and you will see a very clear picture of how staying in a relationship with an alcoholic plays out. The alcoholism gets worse over time as does the behaviours that go with it.
My late alcoholic husband lied all the time too, he had no need to but he just did. This creates mental health issues in others from being around it all the time, you tend to doubt your own perception when lied and gas lighted to all the time.
He also used to say to me that I deserve better than him. However as you learn about alcoholism you will see that often comments like are actually manipulation and them playing the victim which is part of alcoholic thinking they use.
I completely get what you are saying, I felt that way too. When we are with an alcoholic we are often in a Trauma Bond. This is caused by the emotional highs and lows of the relationship. This bond is very difficult to break even though we know the person is not good for us and our wellbeing.
A book that has helped a lot of us is here is "Codependency No More" by Melody Beattie. I found it incredibly helpful and gave me insight as to why I behaved the way I did and then I was able to change it.
I really encourage you to read around the board and you will see a very clear picture of how staying in a relationship with an alcoholic plays out. The alcoholism gets worse over time as does the behaviours that go with it.
My late alcoholic husband lied all the time too, he had no need to but he just did. This creates mental health issues in others from being around it all the time, you tend to doubt your own perception when lied and gas lighted to all the time.
He also used to say to me that I deserve better than him. However as you learn about alcoholism you will see that often comments like are actually manipulation and them playing the victim which is part of alcoholic thinking they use.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
Originally Posted by Bambee 
I should be able to leave my alcoholic boyfriend right? But I can’t. The thought of it breaks my heart. He’s not abusive, he’s never even raised his voice at me. He just drinks…and lies about it. I know I deserve better. Even he knows I deserve better. He’s even said so himself. So then why can’t I leave? I feel like there’s something wrong with me.
When you say it 'breaks your heart' - does that mean you love him so much you can't bear the thought of leaving or does it break your heart to leave him alone? It's worth pondering. Maybe picture yourself and your life without him in it. What would you like to do? Do you want to travel? Have children? (children and alcoholism don't work).
He doesn't raise his voice to you but there has to be more of a downside than him lying about his drinking? Where does he drink, at home or does he go out drinking. How often, does he drink every day? If he has been alcoholic since you met him, then you probably don't really know "him". Even if he is not drinking for a day or two here and there, that's not truly sober as in giving the brain time to heal.
Anyway, the best I can offer is to really think about why you are there.
Alcoholism is progressive as well, if he continues to drink, chances are in a year or two or 10 he won't be the same guy/drinker you know today.
There is a book, which is the most often recommended book in this forum, Codependent no more by Melody Beattie. You might want to download a copy. It's an easy read and talks about boundaries in relationships etc. You might find it helpful as you sort through where you are at with this relationship.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Bambee
When I knew I was in place for a change I was surprised by the fact that I knew I cared about the person I needed change with.
I thought I would know it was correct because I would not care about him any longer - that was not the case. I still very much care, but that did not change the fact that it was not working for me.
Give yourself grace as you can - it is not simple or straightforward and that fact was really the hard part to sort through.
When I knew I was in place for a change I was surprised by the fact that I knew I cared about the person I needed change with.
I thought I would know it was correct because I would not care about him any longer - that was not the case. I still very much care, but that did not change the fact that it was not working for me.
Give yourself grace as you can - it is not simple or straightforward and that fact was really the hard part to sort through.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by Bambee
I feel like there’s something wrong with me.
If you were to set aside for the moment your relationship, what would you like for yourself in your life? Are you able to make a list of what you want for you (without including other people / relationships), maybe ways you'd like to spend your time, things you've never tried, places you'd like to go? Sometimes we focus so much on our relationship and qualifier, that we forget ourselves. If you focus on yourself, what comes up for you?
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Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 336
I don’t think I could say it better than LifeRecovery. I’ve learned loving someone is not the same as giving them access to you. As in, you can love someone, but if their choices hurt you, then you can absolutely restrict their access to hurt you through boundaries.
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Join Date: Jun 2022
Posts: 5
I had a similar experience. My qualifier wasn’t abusive or mean. He just drank more than I was comfortable with (despite me communicating that) and lied about it and started to hide it.
Because of that, I spent a lot of time wondering if he REALLY is an alcoholic?? Or am I being dramatic? But then what I finally realized was it doesn’t really matter if he is or isn’t. If he’s drinking more than I’m comfortable with and I’ve communicated that and there’s no change, I have every right to leave and do what I need to keep myself happy, healthy, and safe. And so do you!
Because of that, I spent a lot of time wondering if he REALLY is an alcoholic?? Or am I being dramatic? But then what I finally realized was it doesn’t really matter if he is or isn’t. If he’s drinking more than I’m comfortable with and I’ve communicated that and there’s no change, I have every right to leave and do what I need to keep myself happy, healthy, and safe. And so do you!
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: OKC OK
Posts: 414
When my husband quit drinking it was roughly 8 months before he "returned" to me and if he's been drinking this whole time...you may not even like who he really is.
Through my recovery from being a raging co dependent I realized my dad was an alcoholic. So strange to say that since I'm a total daddy's girl. He wasn't mean to us. He didn't abuse us. He provided well for us. But he taught us some nasty habits. Like not showing emotions. I never learned to process my emotions growing up, so I had to learn as a young adult which really sucks. We were lucky I guess he never progressed beyond a high functioning alcoholic but he also died in his 50's because he had cancer. So he could have. Do you really want to wake up 10 years from now wishing you had left a long time ago?
Peace and light
AC
Through my recovery from being a raging co dependent I realized my dad was an alcoholic. So strange to say that since I'm a total daddy's girl. He wasn't mean to us. He didn't abuse us. He provided well for us. But he taught us some nasty habits. Like not showing emotions. I never learned to process my emotions growing up, so I had to learn as a young adult which really sucks. We were lucky I guess he never progressed beyond a high functioning alcoholic but he also died in his 50's because he had cancer. So he could have. Do you really want to wake up 10 years from now wishing you had left a long time ago?
Peace and light
AC
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