Leopol

Hi All,

For the past 3 weeks i’ve been reading a lot a lot of stickies and posts from all of you and it has helped me tremendously. I feel like i am ready to share my story and hopefully gain some insight in what the last three years of my life have been like. I apologise in advance because it is long but it is the first time I am coming forward with my story so bare with meeee



I have no previous experience with alcoholism or addiction, especially high functioning addicts, so i had no idea what i was looking for whatsoever.



I met my ex boyfriend when I was 26 years old at work, he was intelligent, smart, funny and had a great job. He was also a beautiful man. Corporate culture these days really thrives on open-bar parties, large alcohol consumption, and unfortunately where we live in Amsterdam, even cocaine. It is not abnormal for anyone to engage in such substances. At least, to a certain degree. I was brought up progressive and my parents always told me to be honest about everything and its oke to want to try things but just make sure you are always in control. Hence, i am not an angel and previously have tried substances but never ever out of control. So when i met my ex boyfriend i didn’t think much of it. A few months into dating i did realize he was drinking and using cocaine a lot more than i would consider normal, i asked him about it and he became defensive – i should have known right then and there that this was a big RED FLAG. Instead i told him that if he wanted to keep seeing me he needed to be able to talk about things, he apologized and said fine what do you want to know? I asked him if he was in control of the situation, he looked me straight in the eye and said yes. I put it to rest and just let him be. I had zero codependency issues in the beginning.



My ex had a great way of leading a double life, when with me he would behave perfectly, when with his friends he turned into some drunken lunatic who would binge uncontrollably. As I’m writing this I feel so dumb because to be completely honest, he was not that great at leading a double life. It was more that I was willing to look the other way so he COULD live a double life. I wanted to believe it was a phase, that there wasn’t really a problem. Most activities that we did together involved drinking, and him usually ending up using cocaine. He told me sometimes he peed the bed when he drank too much, he told me it was a physical thing and he went to physiotherapy for it, it wasn’t anything to worry about it. ANOTHER RED FLAG. But here’s the thing, I went on the internet and looked up bed wetting due to alcohol. The most posts that come up don’t have anything to do with alcoholism. They just explain the science behind it. Either way, maybe I was just blind. So bed wetting is absolutely disgusting right? He told me if he took a line of coke it never happened. Well there goes another RED FLAG. Normal people would probably limit their alcohol consumption instead of resorting to another drug to cover up the alcohol addiction. Once again due to my complete naïve outlook on life and my love goggles I was just like oke whatever.



He was a great boyfriend half the week, he would message me constantly, always checking up on me, making me feel seen, heard, loved. It was crazy. I never, ever experienced the kind of love bombing that was happening. Everyone in my environment, even my parents and friends told me I was so lucky to have him in my life. And that’s how it felt. Besides the alcohol and cocaine consumption he was wonderful and smart. We moved in together about 7 months after being in a relationship due to covid outbreak. I was living with my friend and she and her boyfriend needed to quarantine so they took our apartment and I moved in with my ex.



This is when **** started to hit the fan. I realized his drinking was WAYYY more out of control than I suspected, he was drinking nearly every day and also using cocaine. He would message me endless messages in the middle of the night that he would stop and he felt bad and if I could help him. Mind you I still had no codependency tendencies at this point, after weeks of this I actually told him to please stop messaging me these ridiculous messages and just get help if he wanted it. There’s nothing I can do, he needs to do it himself. My own life was thriving, work was going well, I was eating healthy and going to the gym. I felt if I set a good example I could show him how he could live his life. Also the way he was living his life was like a mirror for me. I was a naïve 26 year old when I met him and just watching him made me realize what I did not want to be. It was a catalyst for growth both personally and professionally. It was easy for me to detach from the situation, it had nothing to do with me and was his journey.



1,5 years into our relationship we decided to get a dog. The cutest puppy on the planet and it was in this moment that I started to realize he had a serious problem. The day we bought the puppy he went out the pub to tell everyone what a great puppy we bought. And I thought, oh my god, this is the alcoholic that goes to the pub to tell everyone how much he loves his family. Instead of helping out with the dog he would throw everything on me, complain about the puppy not sleeping the nights through and still go out during weeknights instead of staying home to be with us. All the things I never realized as his girlfriend I started to realize as a dog-mom. This guy was completely out of control and his priorities are out of whack.



I had a sit down with him and told him listen what the f are you doing? I am working a fulltime job and taking care of our dog 24/7, you are working 2 days a week and still can’t seem to manage to do anything? So I gave him chores, like a child. RED FLAG. Anyways, he did do the chores. Sometimes he would complain but honestly I think this guy was so dedicated to covering up his addiction he was willing to do anything. Detaching from him more and more and observing him more and more I realized 2 years into our relationship that he probably is an alcoholic. Mind you, I had no idea what I was actually looking for.



So I went to my family doctor, I said listen this is weird but I think my partner is an alcoholic. She looked at me and said why? So I said, he lives from binge to binge, sometimes he doesn’t drink for a weekend to please me but then the next week he’ll be gone for 3 days. He’ll say he’s going to the movies with a friend and he’ll come back so drunk he won’t remember our conversations or how he got home. He suffers from bedwetting, which he has done hundreds of times, never when I’m in the bed but he’s “honest” so he tells me. He cannot go through a single date or evening activity without drinking alcohol, he secretly takes cocaine – even at family where there are children, I’ve asked him on multiple occasions on a night out to stop drinking before I have to drag him home and I cannot make a connection with him, once he is down that rabbit hole he is not coming back until he’s passed out and wakes up 14 hours later, he is tired all the time, he craved alcohol and becomes agitated when he can’t drink, he thinks everything is a reason for drinking, she stopped me and said oke enough. Where do you fit into all of this? I said to be honest I am detached from it because it is so insane to me, I don’t understand what is happening half the time and I’m too busy with everything, I’m too exhausted to deal with him. She advised me to read up on addiction and speak to him.



So I did, I spoke with him and he told me he wanted to get better. THIS IS WHERE MY CODEPENDENCY STARTED. We created a plan and for the next 6 months I was holding his hand walking through everything with him. Actively trying to help him sucked the soul out of my body and broke my heart every day at least once. This is when the manipulation, the lying, the dishonestly all became so clear to me. It was INSANE. The minute I started coming close the truth I became the enemy in his eyes. My ex who once had asked me to help him create a plan and hold him to it was now viewing me as the enemy and blamed me for being controlling. I had no idea what was happening. I told him, listen I am trying to help you because that is what you told me to do… The fights started happening more and more, at one point I couldn’t do it anymore. I told him I am taking our dog and leaving for a bit, he told me if you leave we are done. So I said fine, but i can’t stay here and I refuse to be threatened. I was reasonably close with his family although I had started pulling away months ago trying to create some dinstance while contemplating my life choices. I made a decision to tell his parents honestly I’m why we were breaking up, due to his alcohol and cocaine problem, and then I will leave and we will be done. Wellllllll…. Lets just say once I spoke my truth I flipped a switch in him that I even didn’t know existed. He became a complete monster, chasing me out of the house, threatening me, treating me and the dog like garbage, telling me I am a traitor and I was dead to him. It was INSANE to me, here I am speaking a very minimal truth because trust me a lot more happened besides his “alcohol and cocaine problem” that I didn’t even tell nobody about ever. But just even lightly touching upon this truth gave him reason enough I was dead to him. 3 years of a relationship, his truth, and I am garbage.



We are now 1,5 months into no contact, he hates me so I doubt he will contact me ever again. Last time I spoke to him he was screaming that he will start a 12 step program soon but yea I don’t know. I feel like its best to just forget about him for forever.



Has anyone experienced such 180 turns with their ex partners due to the truth?

PeacefulWater12

Welcome, Leopol, glad you have been reading around and hope you found it helpful and also hopefully in some way a comfort. As you might have seen as read, the behaviours your ex is showing are very typical for alcoholics.

You ask if people have experienced suddenly turns, very much so. My late alcoholic husband would chop and change personality in an instant. As his drinking progressed it became faster and faster.

My understanding is that it is due to the different levels of alcohol in their body at the time, as it increases it affects different areas of the brain. Hence huge mood swings, opinion changes, behaviour changes.

It is positive that you are No Contact, this gives you the best way for you to recover.

You mention your codepedency, as you have read around I expect you have seen the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie recommended a lot. I found it extremely helpful, maybe you would too.

Alcoholics don't like hearing the truth. Full stop. Their addiction keeps them in a state of mind of denial. They need to shut it out so will often react very badly when someone points the truth out.

They do know it though. Of course they do. They just shut it out. They want the people around them to go along with the fantasy that there is no problem. And if there is a problem, it is the other person causing it not the alcoholic!

Leopol

Dear PeacefulWater12,

Thank you for your response. Yes, the reading around has definitely been helpful and comforting. My heart goes out to all of those involved in somewhat the same type of dynamic as I experienced. It is heartbreaking to read but the strength I feel from all messages has given me strength to stand tall on my own two feet and use this painful experience for growth.

The no contact is definitely helpful as it creates space for me between his insane world and mine. I do find it difficult because he is someone that I shared something special with.
It also pains me that the truth is something their mind cannot grasp and I hate that he sees me as the enemy but there is nothing to be done about that.

Thank you for the book suggestion I will get myself a copy and read it.

Are you also in no-contact with your late husband? Reading all the posts keep stating that no contact is best for your own healing and also for the alcoholic that you love. it gives them the chance to safe themselves. As painful as this is I will do my utmost best to continue this. I wish things were different but its better to accept them as they are.

SadPArtner

Hi Leopol

Thx for sharing your story
I found glimpses of my own story in all this forum.

And I see myself in your situation, and recognize the same will to collaborate, to help, to try to make the whole thing works, with no avail.

To kill "the dream" is the most difficult thing in my oppinion
And to see that now i´m not "the love of her life", but the "enemy"

Leopol

Dear SadPArtner,

Thank you for responding, I am sorry you are also going through the heartbreak due to this terrible disease.
I agree that to kill the dream is the most difficult. I've always been a person that never ever wants to deprive anyone from growth or give them the idea that things cannot change or people cannot grow. Now I have to sell myself the story that I've desperately tried to prevent anyone from hearing ever in their life. The only things that comforts me is that perhaps there is a chance of growth, its just a matter of time. And in-between we cannot wait and we must live our lives, maybe we will see them on the other side.

If I may ask, how are you coping? Has the breakup been recent ?

SadPArtner

Hey Leopol
Thinking that hopefully they will do better in the ¿short ? term is a way to keep "the dream" alive

Let´s face it

But in my case,.... i´m very sad, at home most of the time, and trying to make changes in my personality, and heal things from my past.
And She is engaging in parties and having her "fun" with her toxic friends

So, nothing changed, except my sadness here and there

I am trying to cope and live my life day by day, but each few hours this subjetc appears in my mind and my heart still hurts, even if I know there´s no solution.

Im doing just fine with job, sports, hobbies, and some short trips.

I dated a realy nice chick and shared some moments ith her, but clearly no future in that relationship, and bytheway, i feel a little sadness when i kissed again a woman.. cause my last kiss was the last odd night with my ex in the middle of the confusion, frustration, and dispair.

90% of my time i am reading , listening. viewing videos that covers this subject
Manipulative tactics
Addiction
codependence
rumination
denial

Etc etc

It seems that its the only way that i feel some kind of relief.
finding clarity, wisdom... that help me kill the dream completely

:´(

Leopol

Hey SadPArtner,

Yes that is true. There's no short term fixing if I think with my rational brain. I tend to realise that if they could do it short term they would've so there's no point in believing it will happen short term.

The resemblance to my situation is unreal. We were supposed to do co-parenting for our dog since I just started a new job and have many office days. He can work from home and is only working 2 days a week. Unfortunately he told me he cannot take care of the dog now as he is in pain but then I see photos of him out partying and even going on weekend trips drinking with his "friends" . It sucks a lot, I have blocked all social media as well because it just gives me stress and anxiety.

It sounds like you are doing the work and grieving is a natural process. For me I just let my emotions come through so I will cry when I feel the need and journal when I feel the need.

I'm happy for you that you went on a date with a nice chick. Its little steps forward. I also went on a date with a really lovely wonderful man, when I got home I cried because I felt so guilty and in my heart it felt like cheating, but that is oke. One step in from of the other.

It helps to know that you are also going through the journey and although you feel the pain alone, know that we are all here sharing some type of same emotions. we will get through it!!!!!

dandylion

Leopol.......welcome to the forum!

I know that this will sound "nitpicky"....but, I just feel the need to bring up this question, to you.
You asked PeacefulWater if she is "still in contact with her Late husband?".
Did you know that the the term "late husband" means that the husband has died?

Since he has died--that would m ean that there is no longer any means of concrete communications or contact. She can no longer e-mail him, or call him on the phone or Skype him, or write a letter or communicate through social media.

Are you asking if she is in some kind of Supernatural communication with him---some kind of "alternate" route?

Pleas forgive me for asking this question---as I have been on this forum for many years, and this is the very first time I have ever seen someone ask such a quesion!!

PeacefulWater12

I am so glad that your reading around here has helped, It is always good to hear the experiences of others, I think. A comfort.

I very much agree that No Contact is good for both people. A clean break where each person can move forward.

Thank you for asking about my late husband. I chose to stay with him until he died from the damage alcohol caused to his body. I used a technique called Medium Chill to protect myself. This is where you keep emotionally distant. You stay neutral, don't engage, don't share any personal information, you just chat in a very surface way, and limited my time with him.

I went No Contact with my alcoholic parents, also some of my relatives. It worked really well. The peace and relief was enormous. I did get pulled back in a few times over the decades but it always went badly and I went back to No Contact.

I did feel guilty at first but think that was due to my childhood programming.

Really glad you are discussing these things, it does help.

I hear you about having shared a special relationship with him, I felt that way about my husband for many years but then sadly alcohol damage to his brain and his progressive addiction took that away and left me with a man I didn't really know.

I think that you are right that the brain damage and addiction thinking makes them see us as the enemy. It twists everything around in their minds.

Is very sad for all concerned. For us though, the best thing we can do is keep away. Look after ourselves.

trailmix

Hi leopol. Well, you have your head in the right place for sure. What you have written is very concise and could be a sticky too, in my opinion. You have clearly outlined "how it goes" in many cases.

You are the enemy, but it has nothing to do with you personally. If anyone tries to come between the addict and their drug, they are threatening their best friend, their love (the drug). Doesn't matter who you are.

I'm glad you got the dog! It was eye opening for you and thankfully it's a dog and not a child and the responsibility can be all yours.

When he asked for your "help" you didn't know what you were walking in to, so I hope you will forgive yourself for that. He's just not relationship material, not even as a friend, so you are lucky in that regard, even though it is probably hurtful right now.

One thing that can help a lot is making a list, of all the terrible things he said and did and things that were generally annoying or hurtful, something like:

- Never wanted to just go out for dinner, always had to include drinks
- Always late for functions
- Would snap and be miserable when not high
- Called me a >insert insult and insult
- Would hide his drinking and drugging
- Wet the bed
- etc

I'm sure the list will be long once you get going. It's good to write for two reasons. First of all, when you start ruminating about "what could have been" - it is a stark reminder of what it really could have been! Secondly, it reminds you of why you never want to go back to that.

Keep the list with you in hard copy or on your phone so you can refer to it and add to it as often as you like, even 10 times a day if need be. Eventually you will come to accept the reality of the situation and why you are glad to no longer be in it.

sage1969

I've had many qualifiers, and it has varied whether I've gone no contact. With exAH, my parent, my sibling, I wasn't able to go full no contact because of financial and family responsibilities. It does make it much more difficult if there has to be interaction. I do keep my distance as much as possible, and I do "gray rock," meaning I present as boring, without detail, as I've found the less interesting I am, the less that qualifier will attempt to interact. My sibling for instance does not care for children, and as I have children, and nothing of value (so that sibling thinks) and of no material value to them, so I'm able to avoid most contact.

I did stay with my deceased AH for many years too long, and my children and I have many wounds that are just now healing, and some that may not heal for some time. We would be in a different place, emotionally, physically, financially if I'd gone no contact, but I didn't, and must learn from those lessons. (And I am so very thankful that I will no longer encounter deceased AH in this or any other lifetime).

I came to SR about a year ago, as a result of a relationship with XABF, and this time I did go no contact. He did text me a few times over the past year but I was able to be polite but unavailable. The no contact has given me the space to really focus on myself and my current reality (not my past and not the unattainable future dreams), so I've been able to heal, find ways around my own anxieties and live in recovery from both addiction and codependency. I would likely be drinking and heavily codependent if I'd allowed the contact to continue.

So I think it varies by relationship, circumstances, and commitment to recovery. I find it easiest to go no contact, but I think each of us has to find our own way.

Leopol

Hi Dandylion,

oh my gosh no I am sorry, English is not my first language, I assumed it meant her "last husband". Also to PeacefulWater12, this was in no means intended to be disrespectful.

Leopol

Thank you all for replying to my post, the wise words really mean a lot to me and I will use your tips and tricks from your experience and implement it in my journey. If anyone has more, keep them coming haha. But for now I will make the list and learn from all of you by reading across the forum. I am beyond thankful for SR.

dandylion

Leopol.......Understood! lol...lol...Now, I feel much better. Yes, some things can get soo easily lost in translation.
Your English appeared to be so good that I had no idea that it was your second language.

Leopol

hahaha thanks, I try but am still learning everyday. Now I have a new phrase added to my English language )))

PeacefulWater12

No problem at all, I didn't mind, Leopol.

I am British so I just assumed the term I used was not international.

velma929

Well I guess we can hope that such a dramatic turn would have - maybe - shocked us to our senses as it did you.

LovelyKaya33333

Leopol... I am sorry for what brings you here but so glad you found us. I also want to say I think it is amazing that you are already 1.5 months no contact. That is a big accomplishment. The sad news is that your story is textbook and I agree could be a stickie... When I say textbook I am not diminishing your personal feelings about anything at all... because this is is one of the hardest things I have gone through so I get it.....

However, Yes 99.9% of active alcoholics change when confronted with anything that gives them a mirror into their drinking issues. I have never heard of a story where spouse confronts alcoholic spouse and the alcoholic says " you know what honey, you are right and stops"....

You will grieve him... allow yourself... you will cry....allow yourself.... you will feel angry... allow yourself.... This is all normal. Outside of the alcoholic person you spent time with .....you also spent time with a man you grew to love.... No contact is so so so important... I am a year out where I haven't seen his face.... with very limited contact ( mostly due to the divorce) all the same.... in one year without seeing him... my perceptions have done a 180 and I could not imagine ever being with him now... give yourself the time and allow yourself to feel the loss..that is my best advice .....xoxoxo

Leopol

Thank you Velma929 and LovelyKaya33333 for your responses.

No worries at all, I find it comforting to realise that it is textbook in some ways. To me at least it is helpful to know there are so many of us that have fallen for this but have also managed to overcome it. Realising that it is, is part of growing up. And it helps to know I'm not crazy haha. It gives me the courage to know there are many who faced this storm and came out the other end.

I will definitely allow all my emotions to come through and give them the room they require. Heartbreak is such a terrible thing, I am also hurt that I allowed myself to walk into such a situation but it is part of growing up and learning the lessons.

@LovelyKaya33333, A year with no contact is so admirable, you are a rockstar for having done that and choosing your happiness, I hope you continue on that journey!

Helenlee

It was clear to me that english was not your first langue, & therefore the mistake understandable.
You’ve done an excellent job of writing this insightful account of your relationship & I wish you all the best on your journey to recovery. Keep your focus on yourself, not him, & you’ll get there. It’s as simple as that, & as difficult as that. Just keep travelling.