Boyfriend's Rehab invited me to attend "family session" -- advice, please?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2022
Posts: 34
Boyfriend's Rehab invited me to attend "family session" -- advice, please?
I just joined this forum because I'm in need of advice. Firstly, I'm sober, always have been and always will be. I have no history of alcohol or drug abuse in my family. When I began dating my boyfriend, I didn't realize he was an alcoholic until about 2 months in. Before meeting him, my fiance died in a horrific car accident a year and a half earlier and it scarred me.
My boyfriend (35) of 3 years is currently in rehab for the first time. It's a few hours from our house. He called me every night at first and he has called me the past 2 days (I haven't been able to answer when he calls -- I'm a busy grad student in a clinical rotation). I haven't spoken to him in a little over a week at this point. Tomorrow I'm supposed to attend a family session over Zoom with his rehab facility. I'm feeling hesitant to participate in this. On Friday, there is supposed to be a counseling session between him, me, and his counselor. I really don't want to do this because I haven't spoken to him in about 9 days at this point and I feel like I would be setting him up for an opportunity to blame me for everything. He blames me for a lot of things in his life when he is drunk. He is extremely verbally abusive and has made my life very difficult for the past 3 years with his verbal and emotional abuse. I am realizing since he's been away that I think I am somewhat traumatized after what I've experienced with him (he's been physically abusive in the past and I ended up having to get a CT scan).
I've been trying to research what to expect from one of these counseling sessions and I'm honestly not feeling good about partaking in this. I've read different things. I honestly feel like I would be stepping into a ring of fire or setting myself up to be blamed. He can be very hurtful and I have no idea what he's like now that he has been "sober" for 2 weeks tomorrow in this rehab facility. I'm trying to be very supportive and outwardly I'm showing that. But on the inside, I'm feeling a lot of different emotions including the feeling that everything is always about him and his needs, desires, etc. His disease has taken a heavy toll on me. His mom is also an alcoholic and they are enmeshed. It's been very difficult and painful witnessing and being in the middle of their sick and unhealthy dynamic. She's been to rehab multiples times and comes out to drink again every time. She is unemployed for going to work drunk one too many times (in the medical profession) and lies about anything and everything. She won't be at this family session if I do decide to go because I'm the only person he listed as a contact.
I really don't want to go, but a part of me feels like I should. I don't want to go because of all the unknowns and I'm worried that he will use it as an opportunity to blame me and basically gaslight me. I took time away from my clinical rotation in order to attend this thing..
Since my boyfriend has been at rehab, I've started to think about the cumulative damage he's done to me. The whole counseling session with him and the counselor feels so vague and I don't know what to expect. It scares me.
My boyfriend (35) of 3 years is currently in rehab for the first time. It's a few hours from our house. He called me every night at first and he has called me the past 2 days (I haven't been able to answer when he calls -- I'm a busy grad student in a clinical rotation). I haven't spoken to him in a little over a week at this point. Tomorrow I'm supposed to attend a family session over Zoom with his rehab facility. I'm feeling hesitant to participate in this. On Friday, there is supposed to be a counseling session between him, me, and his counselor. I really don't want to do this because I haven't spoken to him in about 9 days at this point and I feel like I would be setting him up for an opportunity to blame me for everything. He blames me for a lot of things in his life when he is drunk. He is extremely verbally abusive and has made my life very difficult for the past 3 years with his verbal and emotional abuse. I am realizing since he's been away that I think I am somewhat traumatized after what I've experienced with him (he's been physically abusive in the past and I ended up having to get a CT scan).
I've been trying to research what to expect from one of these counseling sessions and I'm honestly not feeling good about partaking in this. I've read different things. I honestly feel like I would be stepping into a ring of fire or setting myself up to be blamed. He can be very hurtful and I have no idea what he's like now that he has been "sober" for 2 weeks tomorrow in this rehab facility. I'm trying to be very supportive and outwardly I'm showing that. But on the inside, I'm feeling a lot of different emotions including the feeling that everything is always about him and his needs, desires, etc. His disease has taken a heavy toll on me. His mom is also an alcoholic and they are enmeshed. It's been very difficult and painful witnessing and being in the middle of their sick and unhealthy dynamic. She's been to rehab multiples times and comes out to drink again every time. She is unemployed for going to work drunk one too many times (in the medical profession) and lies about anything and everything. She won't be at this family session if I do decide to go because I'm the only person he listed as a contact.
I really don't want to go, but a part of me feels like I should. I don't want to go because of all the unknowns and I'm worried that he will use it as an opportunity to blame me and basically gaslight me. I took time away from my clinical rotation in order to attend this thing..
Since my boyfriend has been at rehab, I've started to think about the cumulative damage he's done to me. The whole counseling session with him and the counselor feels so vague and I don't know what to expect. It scares me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
Hi Mira. I have no experience with this but I have seen a few posts here about the family meetings. I have no great wisdom to share there.
You haven't talked to him in 9 days (when initially he would call you every night) and now a big get together, where yes, you could be put on the spot, he may just want to vent all your "wrongs" - or who knows! That's the problem. Personally, I think it is very unfair to drag you in to a situation where the two other people there have spent hours talking through all this and then you will very likely be put on the spot.
I think you are right to be concerned. We are talking about your wellbeing here. Once they log out of the Zoom meeting, he is surrounded by support people, groups, his fellow addicts, counselors etc. You get left sitting in your living room alone!
This is not your burden to carry. You have put up with a lot up to this point. This break away has given you time, perhaps, to clear the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). To question whether this relationship is even right for you.
As is said around here, you don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Who's looking out for you?
I hope you will pass on the meeting and maybe take that time off and do something for yourself. Shop, get a manicure, take a nap, whatever makes you happy. Remember, if you do decide to pass on the meeting, no need to JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain yourself.
You haven't talked to him in 9 days (when initially he would call you every night) and now a big get together, where yes, you could be put on the spot, he may just want to vent all your "wrongs" - or who knows! That's the problem. Personally, I think it is very unfair to drag you in to a situation where the two other people there have spent hours talking through all this and then you will very likely be put on the spot.
I think you are right to be concerned. We are talking about your wellbeing here. Once they log out of the Zoom meeting, he is surrounded by support people, groups, his fellow addicts, counselors etc. You get left sitting in your living room alone!
I'm trying to be very supportive and outwardly I'm showing that. But on the inside, I'm feeling a lot of different emotions including the feeling that everything is always about him and his needs, desires, etc.
As is said around here, you don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Who's looking out for you?
I hope you will pass on the meeting and maybe take that time off and do something for yourself. Shop, get a manicure, take a nap, whatever makes you happy. Remember, if you do decide to pass on the meeting, no need to JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain yourself.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
After reading your post, I feel concern about your safety in what sounds to be an abusive relationship. Toss in the unknown purpose of this "family" session, with an unknown therapist (is this a certified alcoholic cessation specialist, an mft, a social worker -- qualifications matter, you don't want to be in a session with someone who will allow your qualifier to be abusive or manipulative), this just sounds off to me also. Having gone through these kinds of session when my child was in a treatment center, there can be many purposes, the most common is to line up aftercare or continuing care; as your qualifier is an adult, I'd be surprised by your inclusion in treatment planning.
If the purpose is truly family therapy, I'd still be hesitant -- the few days' sobriety he's got under his belt is enough to get him past the worst of the withdrawals, but to actually be working recovery, he's far from that. Until he's solid in his recovery work, he's not going to be able to do honest family therapy. There's the very practical reason that neither you nor he knows the sober him; my experience with my qualifiers "dry drunk" were that they were not pleasant to communicate with, and if he's already got tendencies to be verbally and emotionally abusive . . . I just don't get the warm fuzzies about this situation.
Can you call the facility tomorrow, and find out what is the purpose / goal of this session? Go with your gut feelings on what you find out, but if you don't feel comfortable or safe doing the session, decline it.
Perhaps this is also a really good time since you have some space to yourself, consider if this relationship is very good for you? Abuse generally escalates, just as alcoholism does. Perhaps consider your safety?
If the purpose is truly family therapy, I'd still be hesitant -- the few days' sobriety he's got under his belt is enough to get him past the worst of the withdrawals, but to actually be working recovery, he's far from that. Until he's solid in his recovery work, he's not going to be able to do honest family therapy. There's the very practical reason that neither you nor he knows the sober him; my experience with my qualifiers "dry drunk" were that they were not pleasant to communicate with, and if he's already got tendencies to be verbally and emotionally abusive . . . I just don't get the warm fuzzies about this situation.
Can you call the facility tomorrow, and find out what is the purpose / goal of this session? Go with your gut feelings on what you find out, but if you don't feel comfortable or safe doing the session, decline it.
Perhaps this is also a really good time since you have some space to yourself, consider if this relationship is very good for you? Abuse generally escalates, just as alcoholism does. Perhaps consider your safety?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,244
Your own sobriety and welfare, well being in extremely
important. Look at how much you have accomplished
thus so far, especially with you schooling, education
and future plans ahead of you.
Focus on your goals and protect your future investment.
Don't feel guilty for being strong and doing whatever is
necessary to move forward and achieving your own goals
in life in a healthy, happy honest, sober manner.
important. Look at how much you have accomplished
thus so far, especially with you schooling, education
and future plans ahead of you.
Focus on your goals and protect your future investment.
Don't feel guilty for being strong and doing whatever is
necessary to move forward and achieving your own goals
in life in a healthy, happy honest, sober manner.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Honestly? If someone ever laid a hand on me that would be a dealbreaker. Emotional and verbal abuse? That is also something I find unacceptable and I would leave. Been there, done that.
Sure, he's going to be the perfect "patient" at a meeting with his team and will likely blame you. I would not do this meeting, but then I'd be changing my address while he's gone.
If you feel like your life is better with him gone, now would be the perfect time to end it.
Sure, he's going to be the perfect "patient" at a meeting with his team and will likely blame you. I would not do this meeting, but then I'd be changing my address while he's gone.
If you feel like your life is better with him gone, now would be the perfect time to end it.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
mira.....I, also, am concerned for you and your welfare, given what you have shared, with us.
A basic fact-----He is their "client/patient", and, the bottom line is that HE is their primary concern----not You. I am not saying that they wouldn't want to hear what you have to say---but, your happiness is not their main concern.
It still remains, that, you are the one who has responsibility for your own happiiness and welfare, and it is your own job to speak for youorself!
You do have rights.
You have the right to not attend the session at all, if you decide not to.
You have the right to tell the facility---the case worker---that you have suffered a lot of verbal abuse and physical abuse at your BF's hands. In fact, I feel that it is essential that you do so.**************Even if the case worker will not give you any information about him----you can, legally, tell them any information that you are of a mind to.********
You, also, have the right to end the relationship at any time that you want or decide to.
If you do decide to ttend the session----do not let him or the case worker intimidate you. You can , also, call an end to the session at any time you might want to do so.
You have as many rights as he does.
On another note---I think that this would be a good time to line up a counselor/therapist of your own. I strongly beldieve that such person MUST have a specialty---meaning, lots of experience in treating victims of abuse----any kinds of abuse.
A basic fact-----He is their "client/patient", and, the bottom line is that HE is their primary concern----not You. I am not saying that they wouldn't want to hear what you have to say---but, your happiness is not their main concern.
It still remains, that, you are the one who has responsibility for your own happiiness and welfare, and it is your own job to speak for youorself!
You do have rights.
You have the right to not attend the session at all, if you decide not to.
You have the right to tell the facility---the case worker---that you have suffered a lot of verbal abuse and physical abuse at your BF's hands. In fact, I feel that it is essential that you do so.**************Even if the case worker will not give you any information about him----you can, legally, tell them any information that you are of a mind to.********
You, also, have the right to end the relationship at any time that you want or decide to.
If you do decide to ttend the session----do not let him or the case worker intimidate you. You can , also, call an end to the session at any time you might want to do so.
You have as many rights as he does.
On another note---I think that this would be a good time to line up a counselor/therapist of your own. I strongly beldieve that such person MUST have a specialty---meaning, lots of experience in treating victims of abuse----any kinds of abuse.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2022
Posts: 34
Thank you for your replies. I appreciate you all.
He did try to call yesterday but I couldn't answer and he didn't leave a message. I keep getting an awful feeling that he could be cheating with someone at that facility. I've read a lot of stories like that on this message board. My ABF lies all the time and it feels like there is always a storm brewing with him. It gets so exhausting to live like this -- to never know what awful thing might happen next because of him and his lies and stupid actions!
I forgot to add that his counselor called me over a week ago and had me fill out a family questionnaire that asked a bunch of questions pertaining to how his drinking has impacted our relationship and my life. I was very nervous to fill this out because I was afraid of writing something that would make my bf mad, but I tried to be as honest and authentic as possible. Still felt like I had to word things very carefully though. He is going to have to read a part of it in front of his group or something as one of his "steps."
I can't help but feel that it would be very weird to sit in on this Zoom meeting (at first there will be other family members of people at the facility and it could range from any type of family member and their loved one could have any drug addiction, not just alcohol). My boyfriend is a functioning alcoholic with a good job. As part of this meeting, we have to go around and introduce ourselves and get acquainted. Honestly? I'm not interested in doing that. I'm trying to be open minded, but I doubt I will find any common ground with anyone there. Who knows. I am thinking about attending the meetings except the private one with him and the counselor. Maybe if I really don't like how today goes, I won't go tomorrow. The first meeting will be short and an intro and then they are supposed to send some videos and handouts. I'm interested to see what it is they're going to send. I doubt it will be anything I'm not already aware of (as part of my degree, we study neuroscience and the brain. I'm already tuned into the neurological substrates of addiction).
We all know that alcoholics tend to lie a lot and are also in denial. I think he won't be honest at this meeting and I'm shy and reserved, so if he says something off, I am not going to pipe up and say, "But he's been physically abusive with me before." I'm not even comfortable revealing that type of info to a counselor I barely know. You all made some excellent points that gave me a lot of food for thought.
1) I'm not sure what the credentials of his counselor are (that is a great question). I'm assuming he's an addiction counselor and where I live, those are in such high demand that it's an associate's degree that is required for that at a community college and I think some of the programs may be less than 2 years.
2) Sage, I agree that a few days/2 weeks sobriety is very little and he's not yet ready to do the work of family stuff/damage control.
And you made a great point about your qualifier being unpleasant to communicate with when sober. That is how my bf is too. And he gets weird, twitchy, jumpy and is so difficult to be around (the longest I've been around him without him drinking is maybe shy of 24 hours and that only happened like once).
Aasharon, thank you for your kind words! It truly hasn't been easy trying to push through grad school when I live with an alcoholic who often causes me turmoil at home. I'll graduate this year but it has been and continues to be a long road. It's the hardest thing I have ever done and he adds to the hardship with his drinking and verbal abuse.
Dandylion, you made a great point that ultimately, he is their patient -- not me. That's one reason I feel hesitant to participate and most likely won't go through with it. Not to mention, the whole thing feels super WEIRD. I imagine him saying something like I'm his trigger and his drinking stems from me because he blames so much on me and I won't be able to defend myself. I'm a very self-reflective person and I can honestly say that I try my best to be encouraging and supportive of him. When he verbally abuses me, I don't do it back to him. I usually cry or walk away. Sometimes I argue back, but then I realize it gets me nowhere.
Trailmix, I love the point you made about how once we log out of the Zoom meeting, he will be surrounded by support and I'll be alone. Another reason not to do it. I'm also a person who tends to over-analyze every word that comes out of my mouth after the fact, so I would be sitting there ruminating and wondering if I said something wrong. I definitely have done my fair share of justifying, arguing, defending and explaining myself in the past. That is the perfect acronym by the way.
I will report back here and let you know what the materials are that they send me. However, I really don't want to do the "introduction" with all the strangers on Zoom. I already spend a ton of time on Zoom with my classes... ugh.
He did try to call yesterday but I couldn't answer and he didn't leave a message. I keep getting an awful feeling that he could be cheating with someone at that facility. I've read a lot of stories like that on this message board. My ABF lies all the time and it feels like there is always a storm brewing with him. It gets so exhausting to live like this -- to never know what awful thing might happen next because of him and his lies and stupid actions!
I forgot to add that his counselor called me over a week ago and had me fill out a family questionnaire that asked a bunch of questions pertaining to how his drinking has impacted our relationship and my life. I was very nervous to fill this out because I was afraid of writing something that would make my bf mad, but I tried to be as honest and authentic as possible. Still felt like I had to word things very carefully though. He is going to have to read a part of it in front of his group or something as one of his "steps."
I can't help but feel that it would be very weird to sit in on this Zoom meeting (at first there will be other family members of people at the facility and it could range from any type of family member and their loved one could have any drug addiction, not just alcohol). My boyfriend is a functioning alcoholic with a good job. As part of this meeting, we have to go around and introduce ourselves and get acquainted. Honestly? I'm not interested in doing that. I'm trying to be open minded, but I doubt I will find any common ground with anyone there. Who knows. I am thinking about attending the meetings except the private one with him and the counselor. Maybe if I really don't like how today goes, I won't go tomorrow. The first meeting will be short and an intro and then they are supposed to send some videos and handouts. I'm interested to see what it is they're going to send. I doubt it will be anything I'm not already aware of (as part of my degree, we study neuroscience and the brain. I'm already tuned into the neurological substrates of addiction).
We all know that alcoholics tend to lie a lot and are also in denial. I think he won't be honest at this meeting and I'm shy and reserved, so if he says something off, I am not going to pipe up and say, "But he's been physically abusive with me before." I'm not even comfortable revealing that type of info to a counselor I barely know. You all made some excellent points that gave me a lot of food for thought.
1) I'm not sure what the credentials of his counselor are (that is a great question). I'm assuming he's an addiction counselor and where I live, those are in such high demand that it's an associate's degree that is required for that at a community college and I think some of the programs may be less than 2 years.
2) Sage, I agree that a few days/2 weeks sobriety is very little and he's not yet ready to do the work of family stuff/damage control.
And you made a great point about your qualifier being unpleasant to communicate with when sober. That is how my bf is too. And he gets weird, twitchy, jumpy and is so difficult to be around (the longest I've been around him without him drinking is maybe shy of 24 hours and that only happened like once).
Aasharon, thank you for your kind words! It truly hasn't been easy trying to push through grad school when I live with an alcoholic who often causes me turmoil at home. I'll graduate this year but it has been and continues to be a long road. It's the hardest thing I have ever done and he adds to the hardship with his drinking and verbal abuse.
Dandylion, you made a great point that ultimately, he is their patient -- not me. That's one reason I feel hesitant to participate and most likely won't go through with it. Not to mention, the whole thing feels super WEIRD. I imagine him saying something like I'm his trigger and his drinking stems from me because he blames so much on me and I won't be able to defend myself. I'm a very self-reflective person and I can honestly say that I try my best to be encouraging and supportive of him. When he verbally abuses me, I don't do it back to him. I usually cry or walk away. Sometimes I argue back, but then I realize it gets me nowhere.
Trailmix, I love the point you made about how once we log out of the Zoom meeting, he will be surrounded by support and I'll be alone. Another reason not to do it. I'm also a person who tends to over-analyze every word that comes out of my mouth after the fact, so I would be sitting there ruminating and wondering if I said something wrong. I definitely have done my fair share of justifying, arguing, defending and explaining myself in the past. That is the perfect acronym by the way.
I will report back here and let you know what the materials are that they send me. However, I really don't want to do the "introduction" with all the strangers on Zoom. I already spend a ton of time on Zoom with my classes... ugh.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,438
While he has support around him might be an ideal time to break up if you are starting to see how much this relationship is costing you and the negativity you receive in return.
It seems like you are getting much clearer about this since he has gone—would this be an option—if he went into sober living after rehab he would have the best chance of success anyway at this point.
What are your thoughts on this?
It seems like you are getting much clearer about this since he has gone—would this be an option—if he went into sober living after rehab he would have the best chance of success anyway at this point.
What are your thoughts on this?
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Sounds as if you have a fairly good education surrounding addiction and neurophysiology . . . this forum has much good information in the stickies under classical reading. Often recommended is Melody Beattie's Codependent No More; I also have found Byron Katie's books helpful (Loving What Is, but all her books are good).
Support groups are actually very helpful, but I'd be approaching that one at his facility with caution. Anonymity is important so that you can express what you need to express, and you just don't know what family members will repeat to their qualifiers in treatment with your qualifier.
That being said, there are many in - person and zoom AlAnon meetings, and you might find AlAnon really helpful ( and this is for you and your benefit, not your qualifier's).
Support groups are actually very helpful, but I'd be approaching that one at his facility with caution. Anonymity is important so that you can express what you need to express, and you just don't know what family members will repeat to their qualifiers in treatment with your qualifier.
That being said, there are many in - person and zoom AlAnon meetings, and you might find AlAnon really helpful ( and this is for you and your benefit, not your qualifier's).
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,244
When I was in rehab 31 yrs ago we had the family thing
too, where family or friends were called upon to come sit
in with a councilor to guide the conversation along.
The whole family thing was set up so that the healing
could begin with myself and all those affected by my
addiction to alcohol.
Rehab was for 28 days, so I was still freshly sober and
still trying to clear the fog from my brain. Then to try and
talk about my feelings with family and friends was difficult.
They kept asking me how I felt. "How did that make you
feel" over and over again. Was i sad, angry, happy etc.
My family along with a court order where the ones who
intervened on my drinking and placed me
into the hands of those capable to teach me about my
addiction and a recovery program to incorporate in all
my affairs once i left rehab.
Well, i harbored a resentment for them turning me in and
lots of other resentments collected over the years from
childhood, to school, to adulthood.
As I reflect over my 31 yrs sobriety, i can now see where
I was wrong in the way I treated folks and how friends were
drawn into my sickness when they didnt ask for it.
We get sober but it is a lifelong journey of learning how to
not repeat old habits or falling back into them. To live a healthy,
happy honest way of life not returning to an addiction that kept
me sick for a long time.
We are all sick in one way or another and some are more
sicker than others is what I learned along the way.
In recovery one of the promises states.....
The Eleventh Promise states: “We will intuitively know how to
handle situations which used to baffle us."
We will suddenly realize that faith or our HP, Higher Power as you
understand it, is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
too, where family or friends were called upon to come sit
in with a councilor to guide the conversation along.
The whole family thing was set up so that the healing
could begin with myself and all those affected by my
addiction to alcohol.
Rehab was for 28 days, so I was still freshly sober and
still trying to clear the fog from my brain. Then to try and
talk about my feelings with family and friends was difficult.
They kept asking me how I felt. "How did that make you
feel" over and over again. Was i sad, angry, happy etc.
My family along with a court order where the ones who
intervened on my drinking and placed me
into the hands of those capable to teach me about my
addiction and a recovery program to incorporate in all
my affairs once i left rehab.
Well, i harbored a resentment for them turning me in and
lots of other resentments collected over the years from
childhood, to school, to adulthood.
As I reflect over my 31 yrs sobriety, i can now see where
I was wrong in the way I treated folks and how friends were
drawn into my sickness when they didnt ask for it.
We get sober but it is a lifelong journey of learning how to
not repeat old habits or falling back into them. To live a healthy,
happy honest way of life not returning to an addiction that kept
me sick for a long time.
We are all sick in one way or another and some are more
sicker than others is what I learned along the way.
In recovery one of the promises states.....
The Eleventh Promise states: “We will intuitively know how to
handle situations which used to baffle us."
We will suddenly realize that faith or our HP, Higher Power as you
understand it, is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2022
Posts: 34
Okay, I have an important update that totally changes everything about my original post. 
His rehab facility called me this morning and let me know that he has opted to leave treatment in the next couple of days -- so this meeting that was to be held with me, him, and his counselor won't be happening.They still encouraged me to attend the zoom meeting with other family members (they are family members of other people at rehab -- no one in his family). I just got done with the intro meeting, will review the videos they sent and then we will meet back for somewhat of a support group type of meeting to discuss how the disease has affected us.
To be honest I am feeling very sad and emotional right now because with him leaving treatment and not completing it, I'm afraid he will relapse and it will be even worse than his original drinking because I'm worried he will crave it so much. The whole reason he broke down and went to treatment is because he is seeing his dad's health and cognitive ability decline (he was an alcoholic) and it scared him. I'm not sure if his mom is planning to go pick him up. He did try to call me last night and I didn't answer. Maybe he was going to ask me to pick him up. The counselor said not to do it if he asks because that would be a rescue. I know that he was starting to feel depressed there due to the environment, other people there (they placed a meth addict in his room as his roommate a few nights in), and he felt like the groups didn't resonate with him and overall the facility wasn't what they presented it to be on the website, etc.
His rehab facility called me this morning and let me know that he has opted to leave treatment in the next couple of days -- so this meeting that was to be held with me, him, and his counselor won't be happening.They still encouraged me to attend the zoom meeting with other family members (they are family members of other people at rehab -- no one in his family). I just got done with the intro meeting, will review the videos they sent and then we will meet back for somewhat of a support group type of meeting to discuss how the disease has affected us.
To be honest I am feeling very sad and emotional right now because with him leaving treatment and not completing it, I'm afraid he will relapse and it will be even worse than his original drinking because I'm worried he will crave it so much. The whole reason he broke down and went to treatment is because he is seeing his dad's health and cognitive ability decline (he was an alcoholic) and it scared him. I'm not sure if his mom is planning to go pick him up. He did try to call me last night and I didn't answer. Maybe he was going to ask me to pick him up. The counselor said not to do it if he asks because that would be a rescue. I know that he was starting to feel depressed there due to the environment, other people there (they placed a meth addict in his room as his roommate a few nights in), and he felt like the groups didn't resonate with him and overall the facility wasn't what they presented it to be on the website, etc.
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Also, I know that if I am not the one to pick him up, his mom will do it. And she will suggest they go get alcohol right when she picks him up. She does not care about him getting sober. I believe she'd prefer he be a drunk with her and that way she feels less alone and safer so they can both be sick drunks together.Their dynamic has cost me a lot of sanity and made me physically ill/sick with sadness. It is a very unhealthy relationship and he is a mama's boy. He has even said to me that I will never come close to his mom (which is a weird thing to say because it shouldn't be a competition to begin with).
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
It is heartbreaking that your boyfriend is choosing to leave treatment and continue his addiction. This is his choice. He's choosing his addiction (and to drink with his mother). This will always be his first choice, his primary reason to exist. It doesn't matter that you understand why he's doing what he is doing, but it does matter that you understand he will always place his addiction before you or the relationship.
What is your choice? Focusing on you now, what will you do for you in your life?
What is your choice? Focusing on you now, what will you do for you in your life?
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
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Mira, physical abuse would be a deal-breaker for me. It sounds to me like you're afraid of your boyfriend, that you were afraid of things he would say at the meeting that was planned, and that you're avoiding his phone calls. These seem like red flags to me. I hope that you focus on yourself right now, as you are going through grad school. I'm sorry to hear that he decided to leave rehab.
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Posts: 8,653
Originally Posted by mira826 
I really don't want to go, but a part of me feels like I should.
This part above that you wrote. I have to ask why? Why would you have felt you should attend the session if it had gone ahead and why are you in a relationship with this man? You seem to have a clear picture of what and how he is, but you are hanging in there (it appears against your better judgement):
- He is mentally abusive
- He is physically abusive
- He is an alcoholic refusing treatment
- He has parents who are alcoholics that support him
You are also afraid of saying things that might make him angry.
I'm sure losing your fiancee had a huge impact on you and perhaps your "partner choosing" radar was way off. Maybe moving away from this relationship would be best for you for now?
I see two sides to you here. Your common sense, logical side and this emotional side that is kind of drifting along with whatever is happening, good or bad for you (in this case really bad).
Can you see your way to getting out of this now, making a clean break?
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Mira you seem to have a great future ahead of you - that you have worked hard to attain.
To continue this abusive, very dysfunctional relationship with a man enmeshed with his
dysfunctional destructive family would likely sabotage all your hard work and your health.
I hope you get some counseling to understand why you are conflicted about your seeming
"obligation" to him so you can find your way to a healthy relationship. Trust us,
you are signing up for terrible emotional and psychological and physical pain with him.
To continue this abusive, very dysfunctional relationship with a man enmeshed with his
dysfunctional destructive family would likely sabotage all your hard work and your health.
I hope you get some counseling to understand why you are conflicted about your seeming
"obligation" to him so you can find your way to a healthy relationship. Trust us,
you are signing up for terrible emotional and psychological and physical pain with him.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 136
Originally Posted by sage1969
After reading your post, I feel concern about your safety in what sounds to be an abusive relationship. Toss in the unknown purpose of this "family" session, with an unknown therapist (is this a certified alcoholic cessation specialist, an mft, a social worker -- qualifications matter, you don't want to be in a session with someone who will allow your qualifier to be abusive or manipulative), this just sounds off to me also. Having gone through these kinds of session when my child was in a treatment center, there can be many purposes, the most common is to line up aftercare or continuing care; as your qualifier is an adult, I'd be surprised by your inclusion in treatment planning.
If the purpose is truly family therapy, I'd still be hesitant -- the few days' sobriety he's got under his belt is enough to get him past the worst of the withdrawals, but to actually be working recovery, he's far from that. Until he's solid in his recovery work, he's not going to be able to do honest family therapy. There's the very practical reason that neither you nor he knows the sober him; my experience with my qualifiers "dry drunk" were that they were not pleasant to communicate with, and if he's already got tendencies to be verbally and emotionally abusive . . . I just don't get the warm fuzzies about this situation.
Can you call the facility tomorrow, and find out what is the purpose / goal of this session? Go with your gut feelings on what you find out, but if you don't feel comfortable or safe doing the session, decline it.
Perhaps this is also a really good time since you have some space to yourself, consider if this relationship is very good for you? Abuse generally escalates, just as alcoholism does. Perhaps consider your safety?
If the purpose is truly family therapy, I'd still be hesitant -- the few days' sobriety he's got under his belt is enough to get him past the worst of the withdrawals, but to actually be working recovery, he's far from that. Until he's solid in his recovery work, he's not going to be able to do honest family therapy. There's the very practical reason that neither you nor he knows the sober him; my experience with my qualifiers "dry drunk" were that they were not pleasant to communicate with, and if he's already got tendencies to be verbally and emotionally abusive . . . I just don't get the warm fuzzies about this situation.
Can you call the facility tomorrow, and find out what is the purpose / goal of this session? Go with your gut feelings on what you find out, but if you don't feel comfortable or safe doing the session, decline it.
Perhaps this is also a really good time since you have some space to yourself, consider if this relationship is very good for you? Abuse generally escalates, just as alcoholism does. Perhaps consider your safety?
If I had to categorize our sessions, I’d term them impersonal. We discussed generic coping strategies (for him and me) as well as how addictions look from both sides (did not discuss, he spoke). Nothing personal was talked about as he was an addictions counsellor not a therapist. We did 2 sessions then moved to group for the final week.
There was a therapist brought in for exAH’s group, but wasn’t offered to family. In those sessions I assume he talked about personal things, past trauma, family, etc., but we were encouraged to seek our own therapy while he was in his program.
Long story short, if you’re not comfortable don’t take part. If you feel he’s not taking the program seriously, it is a waste of time and emotions that you can better use elsewhere. I figured if it was a **** show, I’d just hang up so I went in prepared to do just that. Best of luck to you 💕.
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Join Date: Jun 2022
Posts: 34
Well, I have another update for you guys. This story just gets a bit weirder by the minute.
I just got off the phone with my bf. And ... it turns out that we were both lied to by the counselors at this facility. The woman who runs the day 1 of the family session (today it was just meeting other family members over zoom, going over materials such as handouts and videos, and then coming back for another meeting where we discussed how the qualifier in our lives has impacted us with their addiction, etc) told me that my bf was refusing to participate in the family program. Well, guess what. That was a lie. He wanted to do it and asked his counselor if we were still going to do it and his counselor told him that I didn't want to participate in it and that I was refusing.
Neither one of us was refusing! My bf thinks that because he is leaving 3 days early (his insurance only approved him for 21 days and not 28), that they just don't want to work with him. I'm actually proud that my bf wanted to participate in it and was willing to do that. That shows me he is making progress. I just can't believe that his counselor lied to him and the female counselor lied to me. The only thing I did mention to her was that I was "apprehensive" about participating in it because I hadn't spoken to him in a little over a week. When I did talk to my boyfriend today, he told me he didn't call anyone for about a week because he needed to reflect on things he had done and how he affected me (there was a questionnaire I filled out which his counselor gave to him and my bf had to read parts of it out loud in a group.)
The bad thing is that my bf has already arranged for his mom to come pick him up and this is exactly what I didn't want to happen. I insisted that I could do it and would do it. He said, "No, you need to study and this is the way it needs to be." I told him that if she picks him up, she will offer him beer. He said she wouldn't. I don't know what he's thinking because that woman goes to rehab and comes right out and starts drinking. She's been to rehab more than a few times! He's supposed to call his older cousin tonight who might talk some sense into him. My bf said "My mom already has a hotel reservation so she can drive here the night before she gets me." I told him she can get a refund.
I just got off the phone with my bf. And ... it turns out that we were both lied to by the counselors at this facility. The woman who runs the day 1 of the family session (today it was just meeting other family members over zoom, going over materials such as handouts and videos, and then coming back for another meeting where we discussed how the qualifier in our lives has impacted us with their addiction, etc) told me that my bf was refusing to participate in the family program. Well, guess what. That was a lie. He wanted to do it and asked his counselor if we were still going to do it and his counselor told him that I didn't want to participate in it and that I was refusing.
Neither one of us was refusing! My bf thinks that because he is leaving 3 days early (his insurance only approved him for 21 days and not 28), that they just don't want to work with him. I'm actually proud that my bf wanted to participate in it and was willing to do that. That shows me he is making progress. I just can't believe that his counselor lied to him and the female counselor lied to me. The only thing I did mention to her was that I was "apprehensive" about participating in it because I hadn't spoken to him in a little over a week. When I did talk to my boyfriend today, he told me he didn't call anyone for about a week because he needed to reflect on things he had done and how he affected me (there was a questionnaire I filled out which his counselor gave to him and my bf had to read parts of it out loud in a group.)
The bad thing is that my bf has already arranged for his mom to come pick him up and this is exactly what I didn't want to happen. I insisted that I could do it and would do it. He said, "No, you need to study and this is the way it needs to be." I told him that if she picks him up, she will offer him beer. He said she wouldn't. I don't know what he's thinking because that woman goes to rehab and comes right out and starts drinking. She's been to rehab more than a few times! He's supposed to call his older cousin tonight who might talk some sense into him. My bf said "My mom already has a hotel reservation so she can drive here the night before she gets me." I told him she can get a refund.
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Join Date: Jun 2022
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Originally Posted by mylifeismine
Mira you seem to have a great future ahead of you - that you have worked hard to attain.
To continue this abusive, very dysfunctional relationship with a man enmeshed with his
dysfunctional destructive family would likely sabotage all your hard work and your health.
I hope you get some counseling to understand why you are conflicted about your seeming
"obligation" to him so you can find your way to a healthy relationship. Trust us,
you are signing up for terrible emotional and psychological and physical pain with him.
To continue this abusive, very dysfunctional relationship with a man enmeshed with his
dysfunctional destructive family would likely sabotage all your hard work and your health.
I hope you get some counseling to understand why you are conflicted about your seeming
"obligation" to him so you can find your way to a healthy relationship. Trust us,
you are signing up for terrible emotional and psychological and physical pain with him.
I agree that I do need counseling and I'm going to pursue it and read some of the books that people here have suggested. My bf says it's important to continue with his sobriety when he leaves there and he's not "quitting" the program but he needs to get his spot back at work according to him. I'm cautiously optimistic at this point.
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Join Date: Jun 2022
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by Sueby
ExAH’s program started that type of counselling 2 weeks in, as most programs are usually only 28 days long in our area. Our 2 sessions didn’t end up being the therapy type appointment I thought they’d be, and I was very apprehensive leading up to them as well.
If I had to categorize our sessions, I’d term them impersonal. We discussed generic coping strategies (for him and me) as well as how addictions look from both sides (did not discuss, he spoke). Nothing personal was talked about as he was an addictions counsellor not a therapist. We did 2 sessions then moved to group for the final week.
There was a therapist brought in for exAH’s group, but wasn’t offered to family. In those sessions I assume he talked about personal things, past trauma, family, etc., but we were encouraged to seek our own therapy while he was in his program.
Long story short, if you’re not comfortable don’t take part. If you feel he’s not taking the program seriously, it is a waste of time and emotions that you can better use elsewhere. I figured if it was a **** show, I’d just hang up so I went in prepared to do just that. Best of luck to you 💕.
If I had to categorize our sessions, I’d term them impersonal. We discussed generic coping strategies (for him and me) as well as how addictions look from both sides (did not discuss, he spoke). Nothing personal was talked about as he was an addictions counsellor not a therapist. We did 2 sessions then moved to group for the final week.
There was a therapist brought in for exAH’s group, but wasn’t offered to family. In those sessions I assume he talked about personal things, past trauma, family, etc., but we were encouraged to seek our own therapy while he was in his program.
Long story short, if you’re not comfortable don’t take part. If you feel he’s not taking the program seriously, it is a waste of time and emotions that you can better use elsewhere. I figured if it was a **** show, I’d just hang up so I went in prepared to do just that. Best of luck to you 💕.
I felt uncomfortable during the sessions today (again, these were just with other family members of people attending the rehab facility today and a couple counselors) -- and mostly it felt like a waste of time. Some people talked and talked and it felt like we'd never get out of there. They sent out an assignment for the family members to do that had questions like "How has his drinking or substance abuse harmed you? How have his actions affected other aspects of the household?" etc... and they slooowly went through each question and went through what it meant... it was a very slow and painstaking process. I'm pretty sure that the session would have felt impersonal and kind of cookie cutter-like if my boyfriend and I had attended. I'm really upset that they lied to both of us.
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