StarrySwirl

Hello everyone,
I'm new to this forum and this is my first post. I'm hoping to get some support for a situation I'm in.
I'm 37 years old and I've been in a "situationship" with a 31-year-old man for about a year and a half. We haven't been in a place for anything more serious so that part is fine. But I suppose I should fill you in on the backstory.
We first met about two years ago when he was working at a new restaurant his family opened close to my home. Let's call him J. The first time I went to the restaurant J seemed friendly and not flirty but just extra accommodating to me. He struck up a conversation and made me laugh. When I mentioned that I have kids he went into proud uncle mode showing me pics and videos of his niece on his phone. We had a nice little hang out. So I started coming to the restaurant regularly and we would talk for hours while he worked, sometimes going on delivery runs together. This is when the first signs of a problem started appearing. I noticed that he seemed to bring up drinking a little more than I'd expect and rather unexpectedly. I've never been into drinking much at all so I just thought it was normal for people who do drink to talk about. Eventually he asked me for my number but things progressed rather slowly. Most of our interaction was still happening in person at the restaurant even after we went out "for a drink", hung out a couple of times, and things got physical. Our connection remained more emotional than physical. After a few months I noticed that he was working less especially during the hours I used to come by so we were seeing one another quite a bit less. Over a few months our interaction gradually flipped from 95% in person to 95% texting. I was doing most of the reaching out at this point but he almost always responded quickly and seemed quite interested in what was going on in my life and so forth so I didn't really mind. We got together occasionally but mostly texted. I began to get a picture of his lifestyle which seemed to be pretty reclusive. He'd talk about hanging out with friends sometimes but it took a while for me to realize that they're probably just drinking buddies. Anyway after a few months he disappeared for a few days not answering my texts nor showing up for work. I was kinda worried but reassured that his family members seemed to be running the restaurant fine. When he returned he said he was extremely stressed and needed a break. And that he knew I was going through something stressful too (true) and didn't want to burden me with his stress too. He apologized and I accepted it. Not long later it happened again but for over a week. I could tell that things weren't going well at the restaurant because they put up a help wanted sign. He hadn't been at work in weeks and his communication became sporadic but the conversations still felt connected. Eventually he returned to work (very part-time) but it didn't last that long until one day he texted me saying his uncle was ruining the restaurant. Then a while later it was his dad who was to blame. A pattern of disappearances and excuses began to develop. Usually he'd just pick up the text conversation as if it didn't happen and I'd choose not to ask or occasionally he'd say he needed to do a lot of sleeping because that's how he deals with his problems. I suspected that he was drinking all along but really didn't understand how serious the problem was. Until recently. We've developed a close connection. I haven't seen anyone else since we've been seeing each other and I'd be surprised if he has. He's always, always respectful and kind towards me and has helped me through some tough things in my life. I've been with him when he's drinking too and he just seems to get lovey-dovey and more confident in the bedroom. He doesn't shy away from personal conversations and the fact that he's struggling but doesn't have much to give due to his drinking problem. He knows that it's a problem and I think he wants me to help him. He once fell down drunk and broke a family heirloom statue and texted me about how bad he felt about it and that he was done drinking "for stupid reasons because I'm irresponsible with it" but of course it was just an emotionally fueled statement. That was months ago but lately he's been talking about it more telling me things here and there like "I'm trying to not drink anymore" and "I'm trying to be more mature now". He quit smoking cigarettes maybe six months ago to "stop destroying his health". The other day I went to his place for the first time in a long time and he was drunk and told me that he'd been drinking all day. He's really a sweet soul and I think there would be real potential for a serious relationship if not for his drinking and he acts like he knows it. He lives a double life either there for me or completely absent and focused on his drinking. It's like he totally shields me from the worst parts of his addiction by keeping himself physically distant now that he's fallen into a near continuous cycle of drinking and passing out. The couple of times I've hung out with him recently he wasn't in good condition. He wasn't drinking as I think he doesn't want to drink around me anymore but clearly he was experiencing cravings for a drink but saying he was craving a cigarette. He'd been doing better staying in contact and working steadily over the past few months until ten days ago when he disappeared again. I always worry some but I know he'll be back. I feel that it's time for me to bring this up to him because it feels like he's seeking support but afraid to tell me outright especially since I have a lot of responsibilities already as a single parent. I know his problems run deeper than I may be able to perceive and don't expect to be able to save him. But I think he'd at least be receptive to a conversation with me about getting help. What should I say or do when he comes back? Thank you for reading all this!

sage1969

Situationships can be tough, even without the added strain of alcoholism, because as a single parent, you do have a primary responsibility to your child, and a situationship is by definition undefined, making it more difficult to know where you stand. That's not conducive for providing a stable family life for your child.

That being said adding alcoholism to any relationship just starting out, you're looking at a long road with many tough things to deal with. You mentioned potential: it doesn't matter how much potential this guy has, it is his actions you have to observe, and he's currently a train wreck.

With your life and your child's life in front of you, do you really want to get further involved? You aren't in a committed relationship, and I'd have to say count your many blessings for this, and walk away.

PeacefulWater12

Welcome, Starry Swirl, glad you found us.

You ask what to say or do, I feel the healthiest thing is for you to decide what is best for you and your children. That is the priority. Building the life you want for yourself and them.

trailmix

Hi Starry, glad you found the forum.

I know this is a really tough situation for you but I'm going to be really blunt here, please know I don't mean this in a judgemental or harsh way, just looking out for you.

I'm sorry, but this may not be true. It may seem that way, because he probably tells you all his problems and challenges, how he struggles mentally, how he knows alcohol is not good for him and it's out of control and etc etc.

That is probably his way of making an excuse (to you, to himself) for what he is doing.

Would he maybe like a serious relationship with you? Probably. But what he wants and what he can actually DO, in this case, are two entirely different things. He knows that deep down. That doesn't mean that at some point he won't come to you and say - I'm quitting drinking because you are the woman I want to marry!

Or

It can go completely the opposite way and he will just drop out of the picture (he's struggling with that right now). He probably feels shame, most alcoholics/addicts do. He would like you to think well of him, no doubt, so he hides his drinking. He probably drinks much more than you are aware of.

Even if scenario one did happen, it won't last, unfortunately, he can try to moderate his drinking (this will fail for alcoholics) but in the end, it will just be a struggle for you both.

You can talk to him about getting help but it will probably fall on deaf ears. Whatever you say is nothing he hasn't thought of a thousand times.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and Can't cure it (the 3 c's). I hope you read around the forum here, you will find so many threads you will probably relate to.

He won't stop drinking until the moment he chooses to, for himself. It seems from what you have written that you know this relationship isn't good for you, but you persevere, do you know why at all?

StarrySwirl

Thank you for your response. That's the thing. I'm not really sure if I particularly care whether things get more serious at all. I think we have a valuable connection regardless. We've built a lot of trust in one another, have similar values, and some shared interests. It feels like a shame to throw it all away because it's at least a close friendship. But then again when I ask myself what I would feel if he were to start seeing someone else I know I would feel hurt. And I know that if other romantic interests came into the picture it probably wouldn't work to maintain a friendship since we've been more than friends already. I'm just not focused on looking for a serious relationship right now so that part doesn't really matter to me right now. My kids know of him but only as a not-so-close friend who sometimes gives them soda at the restaurant. I'm pretty fine with the way things are at the moment but the part that I'm not fine with is worrying about his wellbeing especially when he goes underground.

sage1969

This is possibly the part where you'd need to accept him the way he is and be able to let go of the things you cannot change.

StarrySwirl

Thank you for your insight. It really helps. I don't want him to quit drinking for me. That's why I've decided to mostly turn a blind eye to his drinking problem and not ask questions about his disappearances. In the meantime we've been gradually building trust and I've been thinking it's only a matter of time before he admits to the depth of his problem. Really I've wanted him to be the one to bring it up however he feels safe doing so whenever he's ready to. Or maybe he never will. I guess there's just a bit of guilt in continuing to turn a blind eye to it when he's attentive to my problems/struggles/bad days etc. whenever he knows of them. I feel that there's a lot of value in the connection there is even if it doesn't ever evolve into a serious relationship. I'm not seeing that as very likely and definitely not anytime soon.

trailmix

I can understand that actually. As long as you are very clear in your boundaries - you know what you will and won't tolerate (for yourself), it isn't a problem really is it.

Even if he confesses the extent of his drinking - it probably won't make any difference.

I see it this way. A person can choose to go all in - as in this person is an alcoholic and I am choosing to be around them. I accept their drinking to excess and all that accompanies that (hangovers, not wanting to go out, having to drink before every outing, mood swings etc etc).

Although, just because he is struggling with addiction doesn't mean you can't call him on anything that's outside your boundaries - like him taking a bad mood out on you etc.

I don't see a problem with that unless it starts affecting you in a negative way. If you find your self esteem isn't what it was (being ignored can do that), your self worth isn't what it was. You find yourself worrying about him when he vanishes (which you mentioned). I guarantee you he will be ok, or he won't, he might end up in jail - but your worrying won't help. He was drinking before he met you, this is new to you but not to him.

The other thing to keep in mind is that alcoholism is progressive. The amount he drinks now and its affect on him may not be that way 6 months from now or a year from now or heck a week from now. Addiction is not stable like that.

You have never known him as a sober person and, depending on how long he's been drinking, he may not even know himself as a sober adult. So even if he chose to get sober (which isn't on the table right now), you don't know what he will be like (neither does he). Getting sober is one thing, getting in to recovery is a whole different thing.

Sorry for inundating you with all this info at once, I'm neither trying to talk you in to anything or out of anything, just that the more you know about alcoholism, the better (for you, not for him)

dandylion

Starry......given that alcoholism is always progressive---meaning that it grows worse as time goes by---this is likely as good as itis going to get.
It is really hard, if not impossible to morph a relationship into a pure platonic |friendship", after it has been in the romantic domain.
Just so that you know.

As an aside---I suggest that you read the most often recommended book on his forum----"Co-dependent No More"....it is an easy read and I think a lot of it will resonaste with you.

velma929

What you described is exactly how a colleague of mine acted the last few months he worked with us. Fine some days, disappearing for weeks at a time. He never did ask for help. Eventually he moved on and away. I don't know how his new job is working out, or his living situation. On Facebook, it seems okay, but who knows?

I guess what would concern me is that you seem to want some kind of relationship - but he's not available for one, and you've chosen to hang in there. You seem to think that you are the only source of comfort/sense/support he has, when in reality, he's done nothing to access help for himself, and it's readily available. He has a family, who are doubtless aware that he's disappearing for weeks on end, and aware of his work history, AA meetings are everywhere, and online if one lives in the boondocks. Other addicts may be able to offer something to him. A mental health professional may be able to walk him through whatever demons he's trying to drown in booze. Us mere mortals are probably most helpful by staying out of the way.

StarrySwirl

Yeah my boundaries are pretty strong and I feel good about myself. Unfortunately I was in an abusive relationship once before and it taught me a lot about this. Never again. I always feel emotionally and physically safe with J and that's totally non-negotiable for me. My stepfather also has a drinking problem so I'm not entirely new to alcoholism but his seems to be of an entirely different "flavor" (the controlling and verbally abusive type in denial that his drinking is problematic) and I mainly dealt with him as a kid and teenager. It's different as an adult in a relationship with someone who demonstrates many positive traits but an addiction that overshadows them and controls his life. It's sad instead of threatening this time.

StarrySwirl

Exactly. I feel like I'm already there on that one.

trailmix

I was actually going to ask you if there is a history of alcoholism in your family. My Father was an alcoholic.

ACOAs (adult children of alcoholics) can tend (and this is not a hard and fast fact) to get in to relationships that are less than stellar, abusive in some ways, simply because that is what they know. While someone else might react with WTH!!, people who have grown up in dysfunction aren't quite so shocked, because again, it's kind of their normal.

It is different dealing with someone as an adult and, of course, all alcoholics are different, just like every person is. Thing is, your SF was probably further along in his addiction than your ABF (alcoholic boyfriend) is. It is progressive, as he gets deeper in to the addiction some of those "positive traits" might start to wane. For instance whereas he might be as honest as the day is long now and might still be in some areas of his life (perhaps at work), those traits can start to bend as the addiction takes a bigger hold (as in not really telling you how much he's drinking, for instance and hiding).

This would worry me, since you have no indication that this is an exclusive relationship. Is this not a boundary for you though? Have you asked him about this or don't feel you can?

StarrySwirl

It does feel like I'm the only one who can help him out of this even though I know I'm not. His shame is another factor in this situation. It feels weird to be able to discuss all sorts of personal matters except this elephant in the room. I think I've been hoping that would change, that he could let his guard down about it and be able to speak openly about it if he wants without fear that I'll judge or leave him if he tells me (what I already know). He must be running out of lame excuses by now and it's getting old. I'm quite sure that he knows that I've figured this out by now so why not so why not kill this elephant already. I don't exactly know how to though.

dandylion

StarrySwirl......I am actually in somewhat amazement of how confident that you are in "accepting him as he is and letting go of the thing that you cannot change"
Especially, since you share that he has fallen into an "almost continuous pattern of drinking and passing out".. It would seem, to me, that this would leave very little room for anything or anyone else.
Isn't that a big truck;load of stuff to let go of?
I am searching my memory, here---and---I can't think of anyone else who has been able to do that---at least, do it happily and comfortably . lol.

dandylion

StarrySwirl......It sounds, to me, like that "elephant" is pretty visible---as you have shared how often he talks to you about his struggle with alcoholism. That would seem to indicate that his drinking problem is no secret between you two??
What do you think that you are really afraid of?

StarrySwirl

He says so without actually saying so in various ways. But I don't want to put more pressure on him so have never asked straight out. I know he doesn't have the bandwidth or resources for anyone else right now and he's told me things to this effect too. I've thought about it like what exactly are we doing here though. The connection feels great in the present but I have no idea where it's going if anywhere. Then again it doesn't feel right to end everything out of fear of future hurt. I've never been in a "casual" relationship before so this is all even more confusing to me. He's younger than me but doesn't seem to be interested in "dating around" as he calls it. I feel confident trusting him about this so it feels like non-issue on my side. I have no idea how this will develop in the future which feels kinda weird but it feels like it should be okay to be mainly present-focused right now.

StarrySwirl

I don't really feel afraid to bring it up but I don't know the best way to say it. Maybe I'm worrying too much about the exact wording. We often ask each other "How do you feel about ___" so maybe I should just go with that if I do.
Also is he finding comfort in me not "confronting" him about it? Or does he actually want to be able to talk about it with someone familiar who won't react negatively? I don't know.

trailmix

Maybe comfort, maybe not - there is no way to tell until you ask him. We can sometimes assume that, of course, a burden shared is a burden halved - but he may not think that. He may not want to discuss it, whatever the reasons are.

For instance, if you were sitting across from him right now and he said, you know I'm an alcoholic, I think about quitting from time to time but I don't want to (or can't seem to), I just want to keep drinking. Where do you go from there?

The "excuses" are lies. He's lying to you, perhaps to himself as well. Maybe he doesn't consider himself an alcoholic, maybe he thinks he is just self medicating with alcohol because of his "troubles". Impossible to know.

The bottom line is, it doesn't really matter if he confesses all to you or not, it won't change anything.

You might find the articles on these pages helpful:

"First the addict lies to himself about his addiction, then he begins to lie to others. Lying, evasion, deception, manipulation, spinning and other techniques for avoiding or distorting the truth are necessary parts of the addictive process.

They precede the main body of the addiction like military sappers and shock troops, mapping and clearing the way for its advance and protecting it from hostile counterattacks".

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

StarrySwirl

It does take up a lot of his time. And I know that makes him unreliable a lot at least as far as meeting up in person goes. But yeah babies not sleeping on cue and an abusive partner in the past have taught me to give up on controlling other people. To focus on the things I can control--myself and the environment I can create, conducive to getting whatever outcome I'm hoping for. The rest is out of my hands.