What should I say?
Hello everyone,
I'm new to this forum and this is my first post. I'm hoping to get some support for a situation I'm in.
I'm 37 years old and I've been in a "situationship" with a 31-year-old man for about a year and a half. We haven't been in a place for anything more serious so that part is fine. But I suppose I should fill you in on the backstory.
We first met about two years ago when he was working at a new restaurant his family opened close to my home. Let's call him J. The first time I went to the restaurant J seemed friendly and not flirty but just extra accommodating to me. He struck up a conversation and made me laugh. When I mentioned that I have kids he went into proud uncle mode showing me pics and videos of his niece on his phone. We had a nice little hang out. So I started coming to the restaurant regularly and we would talk for hours while he worked, sometimes going on delivery runs together. This is when the first signs of a problem started appearing. I noticed that he seemed to bring up drinking a little more than I'd expect and rather unexpectedly. I've never been into drinking much at all so I just thought it was normal for people who do drink to talk about. Eventually he asked me for my number but things progressed rather slowly. Most of our interaction was still happening in person at the restaurant even after we went out "for a drink", hung out a couple of times, and things got physical. Our connection remained more emotional than physical. After a few months I noticed that he was working less especially during the hours I used to come by so we were seeing one another quite a bit less. Over a few months our interaction gradually flipped from 95% in person to 95% texting. I was doing most of the reaching out at this point but he almost always responded quickly and seemed quite interested in what was going on in my life and so forth so I didn't really mind. We got together occasionally but mostly texted. I began to get a picture of his lifestyle which seemed to be pretty reclusive. He'd talk about hanging out with friends sometimes but it took a while for me to realize that they're probably just drinking buddies. Anyway after a few months he disappeared for a few days not answering my texts nor showing up for work. I was kinda worried but reassured that his family members seemed to be running the restaurant fine. When he returned he said he was extremely stressed and needed a break. And that he knew I was going through something stressful too (true) and didn't want to burden me with his stress too. He apologized and I accepted it. Not long later it happened again but for over a week. I could tell that things weren't going well at the restaurant because they put up a help wanted sign. He hadn't been at work in weeks and his communication became sporadic but the conversations still felt connected. Eventually he returned to work (very part-time) but it didn't last that long until one day he texted me saying his uncle was ruining the restaurant. Then a while later it was his dad who was to blame. A pattern of disappearances and excuses began to develop. Usually he'd just pick up the text conversation as if it didn't happen and I'd choose not to ask or occasionally he'd say he needed to do a lot of sleeping because that's how he deals with his problems. I suspected that he was drinking all along but really didn't understand how serious the problem was. Until recently. We've developed a close connection. I haven't seen anyone else since we've been seeing each other and I'd be surprised if he has. He's always, always respectful and kind towards me and has helped me through some tough things in my life. I've been with him when he's drinking too and he just seems to get lovey-dovey and more confident in the bedroom. He doesn't shy away from personal conversations and the fact that he's struggling but doesn't have much to give due to his drinking problem. He knows that it's a problem and I think he wants me to help him. He once fell down drunk and broke a family heirloom statue and texted me about how bad he felt about it and that he was done drinking "for stupid reasons because I'm irresponsible with it" but of course it was just an emotionally fueled statement. That was months ago but lately he's been talking about it more telling me things here and there like "I'm trying to not drink anymore" and "I'm trying to be more mature now". He quit smoking cigarettes maybe six months ago to "stop destroying his health". The other day I went to his place for the first time in a long time and he was drunk and told me that he'd been drinking all day. He's really a sweet soul and I think there would be real potential for a serious relationship if not for his drinking and he acts like he knows it. He lives a double life either there for me or completely absent and focused on his drinking. It's like he totally shields me from the worst parts of his addiction by keeping himself physically distant now that he's fallen into a near continuous cycle of drinking and passing out. The couple of times I've hung out with him recently he wasn't in good condition. He wasn't drinking as I think he doesn't want to drink around me anymore but clearly he was experiencing cravings for a drink but saying he was craving a cigarette. He'd been doing better staying in contact and working steadily over the past few months until ten days ago when he disappeared again. I always worry some but I know he'll be back. I feel that it's time for me to bring this up to him because it feels like he's seeking support but afraid to tell me outright especially since I have a lot of responsibilities already as a single parent. I know his problems run deeper than I may be able to perceive and don't expect to be able to save him. But I think he'd at least be receptive to a conversation with me about getting help. What should I say or do when he comes back? Thank you for reading all this!