Confusing relationship situation
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Join Date: Apr 2022
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Confusing relationship situation
Hello all, first time poster who much like you all probably never expected to be here and I'm learning a lot, fast. I have no real prior experience with addicts or addiction so its a steep learning curve.
6 months ago I met a lovely guy in his 40s and we entered a relationship. He is/was kind, sweet and shy and had expressed he had "admired me from afar" for some time but didn't have the courage to approach me, even though we have some friends in common etc. He runs some small businesses for a living and seemed very "together" and reliable.
I also need to mention that drinking alcohol is really part of the culture of mycountry, its rare to meet someone who doesn't drink and binge drinking is normalised here- to go wild at the weekend is seen as normal once you can work etc and do what you need to do during the week. Of course this usually calms down with age for most people.
Anyway, we've met each others family and all has been going good until recently. He opened a new business and told me many times how stressed and anxious he is about it, how his staff are very poor etc and its a lot of work. I tried to be supportive and presumed it would calm down as time went on.
He lives with a friend who likes to party all weekend including cocaine which is also common in my city, I don't like drugs and he has been aware of this from the start start doesn't take them himself but I guess we can't control his room mates behaviour and the parties he tends to have in the home after pubs closing time.
Anyway recently I noticed that every time I met him at the weekend, like to go for dinner etc, he was already a little drunk. I complained about this and he agreed it was dumb, put it down to the work stress and the fact of living with friends meant when he got home from work if people were there having a drink he would tend to join in while waiting to meet me. Ok. Again as drinking is so normalised in my culture I wasn't worried yet and put it all down more to his career stress.
however since a month ago nothing has been good. He was due to come to my house for the weekend and I cooked and cleaned all day excited to have him. He said he would come after work that day but when we spoke on the phone I thought it sounded like he was hungover and just after waking up at home. I didn't say anything but he never arrived that day and became uncontactable. I have his phone, social media, everything. I could not contact him and was terrified he had had a car accident or something or as time passed that he was depressed and possibly suicidal at home over the stress - I thought everything possible becuase he didn't contact me and was uncontactable for SIX days. I was so stressed. After 6 days he contacted me and explained that the work stress had gotten to him and he had gone to bed for a few days. As someone who has suffered depression I thought this was what was happening with him. We did discuss it and I made my boundary clear that going awol like that and leaving leaving worrying etc was unacceptable and he agreed. So we made up.
I was also noticing around this time that he was taking days off from work often despite being so busy,and then needing to work weekends to make up for the unplanned absences.
Last week, he cancelled an important work event and only told me afterwards how important it was to his business eg he lost probably a lot of money and contacts and reputation by canceling.
we went out that weekend and had a lovely night with friends, but that night very late when we were home, he picked a silly argument with me and I challenged him on the silliness of it. This was stupid as we were drinking but anyway for the first time he totally lost his temper and started screaming at me and scaring me. He grabbed my shoulders and pushed me out of the room, and proceeded to throw things (clothes piled up) at my head. I was crying during this and jus wanted it to stop, he then kicked some other items at my feet/legs and his roommate intervened which seemed to make him realise he was going too far. We tried to make up afterwards but I was very panicked and hurt because I Ihave a history with abusive exs though not alcoholics and it triggered a lot of fear in me. He is aware of this. He claimed he just wanted me to leave the room and thsts why he pushed me, but I was outside the room when he threw the items.
The next day we tried to have a reasonably normal day but I was upset and he was hungover. I went to my own house that evening and we agreed to return to his home after work the next day and hang out. However, when I called him upon finishing work he ignored all my calls, social media messages etc....again. I even knocked on the house door and was ignored. I was so upset he could do that to me again and left. I thought thought he would be trying to make up to ME after the horrible aggressive row the previous night but instead he just seemed to go to bed again ad ignore me with no care for my feelings.
I decided then in my head it was over. He contacted me 4 days later to say he had been in bed depressed and unable to work, and we were fighting lately so should end the relationship. I responded that we were fighting lately because pf his drinking and temper and that he was now regularly missing work due to hangovers/depression and missing plans with me or plain treating me badly. I said to him that I was done and did not deserve this poor treatment.
He responded a day later saying we could meet up to discuss everything when we were both calm during the week. I didn't think I was not calm but even so I agreed and suggested a day. It is 4 or 5 days later, the day passed and he hasn't bothered to reply to me.
I am so confused. He is like jekyll and Hyde, he was previously so kind and considerate and in the last month he doesn't seem to care about anyone but himself and he's letting his businesses go into ruin, and ruining this relationship.
He had mentioned briefly to me before that he drank too much and one of his businesses went down years ago and he then stopped drinking for years. I naively put that down to being young or something cos he seemed so reliable and in charge at that time but since all this has happened I think he has a drinking problem and I don't know what to do.
I can't understand how he can treat me so badly even when I explained last time the silent treatment was so hurtful. Let alone the throwing things. I understand nothing the last few weeks.
I would dearly love some advice.
I feel like once I said I was finished he was shocked and wanted to meet up to fix it but as soon as I agreed to do so he relaxed and thinks he cant lose me so just went back to bed or to be depressed or to do whatever it is he does when hes awol....
6 months ago I met a lovely guy in his 40s and we entered a relationship. He is/was kind, sweet and shy and had expressed he had "admired me from afar" for some time but didn't have the courage to approach me, even though we have some friends in common etc. He runs some small businesses for a living and seemed very "together" and reliable.
I also need to mention that drinking alcohol is really part of the culture of mycountry, its rare to meet someone who doesn't drink and binge drinking is normalised here- to go wild at the weekend is seen as normal once you can work etc and do what you need to do during the week. Of course this usually calms down with age for most people.
Anyway, we've met each others family and all has been going good until recently. He opened a new business and told me many times how stressed and anxious he is about it, how his staff are very poor etc and its a lot of work. I tried to be supportive and presumed it would calm down as time went on.
He lives with a friend who likes to party all weekend including cocaine which is also common in my city, I don't like drugs and he has been aware of this from the start start doesn't take them himself but I guess we can't control his room mates behaviour and the parties he tends to have in the home after pubs closing time.
Anyway recently I noticed that every time I met him at the weekend, like to go for dinner etc, he was already a little drunk. I complained about this and he agreed it was dumb, put it down to the work stress and the fact of living with friends meant when he got home from work if people were there having a drink he would tend to join in while waiting to meet me. Ok. Again as drinking is so normalised in my culture I wasn't worried yet and put it all down more to his career stress.
however since a month ago nothing has been good. He was due to come to my house for the weekend and I cooked and cleaned all day excited to have him. He said he would come after work that day but when we spoke on the phone I thought it sounded like he was hungover and just after waking up at home. I didn't say anything but he never arrived that day and became uncontactable. I have his phone, social media, everything. I could not contact him and was terrified he had had a car accident or something or as time passed that he was depressed and possibly suicidal at home over the stress - I thought everything possible becuase he didn't contact me and was uncontactable for SIX days. I was so stressed. After 6 days he contacted me and explained that the work stress had gotten to him and he had gone to bed for a few days. As someone who has suffered depression I thought this was what was happening with him. We did discuss it and I made my boundary clear that going awol like that and leaving leaving worrying etc was unacceptable and he agreed. So we made up.
I was also noticing around this time that he was taking days off from work often despite being so busy,and then needing to work weekends to make up for the unplanned absences.
Last week, he cancelled an important work event and only told me afterwards how important it was to his business eg he lost probably a lot of money and contacts and reputation by canceling.
we went out that weekend and had a lovely night with friends, but that night very late when we were home, he picked a silly argument with me and I challenged him on the silliness of it. This was stupid as we were drinking but anyway for the first time he totally lost his temper and started screaming at me and scaring me. He grabbed my shoulders and pushed me out of the room, and proceeded to throw things (clothes piled up) at my head. I was crying during this and jus wanted it to stop, he then kicked some other items at my feet/legs and his roommate intervened which seemed to make him realise he was going too far. We tried to make up afterwards but I was very panicked and hurt because I Ihave a history with abusive exs though not alcoholics and it triggered a lot of fear in me. He is aware of this. He claimed he just wanted me to leave the room and thsts why he pushed me, but I was outside the room when he threw the items.
The next day we tried to have a reasonably normal day but I was upset and he was hungover. I went to my own house that evening and we agreed to return to his home after work the next day and hang out. However, when I called him upon finishing work he ignored all my calls, social media messages etc....again. I even knocked on the house door and was ignored. I was so upset he could do that to me again and left. I thought thought he would be trying to make up to ME after the horrible aggressive row the previous night but instead he just seemed to go to bed again ad ignore me with no care for my feelings.
I decided then in my head it was over. He contacted me 4 days later to say he had been in bed depressed and unable to work, and we were fighting lately so should end the relationship. I responded that we were fighting lately because pf his drinking and temper and that he was now regularly missing work due to hangovers/depression and missing plans with me or plain treating me badly. I said to him that I was done and did not deserve this poor treatment.
He responded a day later saying we could meet up to discuss everything when we were both calm during the week. I didn't think I was not calm but even so I agreed and suggested a day. It is 4 or 5 days later, the day passed and he hasn't bothered to reply to me.
I am so confused. He is like jekyll and Hyde, he was previously so kind and considerate and in the last month he doesn't seem to care about anyone but himself and he's letting his businesses go into ruin, and ruining this relationship.
He had mentioned briefly to me before that he drank too much and one of his businesses went down years ago and he then stopped drinking for years. I naively put that down to being young or something cos he seemed so reliable and in charge at that time but since all this has happened I think he has a drinking problem and I don't know what to do.
I can't understand how he can treat me so badly even when I explained last time the silent treatment was so hurtful. Let alone the throwing things. I understand nothing the last few weeks.
I would dearly love some advice.
I feel like once I said I was finished he was shocked and wanted to meet up to fix it but as soon as I agreed to do so he relaxed and thinks he cant lose me so just went back to bed or to be depressed or to do whatever it is he does when hes awol....
Last edited by Hen1; 04-07-2022 at 02:15 PM. Reason: Add info
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Hello dear Hen,
It sounds to me like you are a lovely person who is in a relationship, or was, with an alcoholic who is in denial.
Or he is just lying. But whichever it is, you have been kind and tried your best to get him to see the path he is on.
Now, it is important to look after you. He has been violent, and this is scary.
Honestly, I think it might be best to keep your distance until such a time when he decides to get himself some help.
s
It sounds to me like you are a lovely person who is in a relationship, or was, with an alcoholic who is in denial.
Or he is just lying. But whichever it is, you have been kind and tried your best to get him to see the path he is on.
Now, it is important to look after you. He has been violent, and this is scary.
Honestly, I think it might be best to keep your distance until such a time when he decides to get himself some help.
s
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Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by venuscat 
Hello dear Hen,
It sounds to me like you are a lovely person who is in a relationship, or was, with an alcoholic who is in denial.
Or he is just lying. But whichever it is, you have been kind and tried your best to get him to see the path he is on.
Now, it is important to look after you. He has been violent, and this is scary.
Honestly, I think it might be best to keep your distance until such a time when he decides to get himself some help. s
It sounds to me like you are a lovely person who is in a relationship, or was, with an alcoholic who is in denial.
Or he is just lying. But whichever it is, you have been kind and tried your best to get him to see the path he is on.
Now, it is important to look after you. He has been violent, and this is scary.
Honestly, I think it might be best to keep your distance until such a time when he decides to get himself some help.
sYes I feel confident he has a drinking problem based on the info from the past combined with his missing work regularly, the new temper, missing plans with me and treating me badly, it's all so out of the blue. I missed a lot of signs probably cos I didn't didn't what to look for and put it down to work stress or thought I had done something wrong when he ignored me
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Hen, I think you already have some healthy boundaries and were able to end things when you saw all the red flags. I'm hopeful you can take some time to nuture yourself and heal from this situation. These were not your actions or your choices that caused things to escalate, so please do not take any of that on.
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Welcome to SR, Hen1. I'm sorry for what you have been dealing with, but I believe you did the exact right thing by ending the relationship. No one deserves that kind of abusive treatment, alcohol problem or not. Unfortunately, this is not uncommon. If you read around the forum, you will see similar stories. Please know that you did nothing wrong.
Please focus on taking care of yourself. If it were me, I would block all lines of communication with him...email, text, social media, etc. Addicts can be very manipulative and you really don't need to have that temptation to meet up and talk about things. You already know all you need to know.
Please focus on taking care of yourself. If it were me, I would block all lines of communication with him...email, text, social media, etc. Addicts can be very manipulative and you really don't need to have that temptation to meet up and talk about things. You already know all you need to know.
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Even though I ended it, I wanted to meet and discuss and I didn't want to end it....I miss him vety much and am worried about him. I can't understand how or why he would ask me to meet up and then ignore me, or indeed any of the behaviour before....
Will he come back I wonder?
Will he come back I wonder?
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
What you are describing is common behavior where the alcoholic will realise he's "losing" you, and will "hoover " you back in. Hoovering is typical push - pull behavior.
Look at his actions: what he has already done is what he will repeat. Do you really want to continue going through this?
Look at his actions: what he has already done is what he will repeat. Do you really want to continue going through this?
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Originally Posted by sage1969
What you are describing is common behavior where the alcoholic will realise he's "losing" you, and will "hoover " you back in. Hoovering is typical push - pull behavior.
Look at his actions: what he has already done is what he will repeat. Do you really want to continue going through this?
Look at his actions: what he has already done is what he will repeat. Do you really want to continue going through this?
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
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It is possible that all of the times he was "ignoring you" he was blind drunk Hen. Obviously, I have no idea how much he drinks, but it sounds to me like those days 'in bed' are drunk days.
I am a recovering alcoholic....so I come with the knowledge of what I was like.
The things I did made no sense to my loved ones either...I was a mess.
I am sorry that you are going through this. Alcoholics cause some terrible damage. s
I am a recovering alcoholic....so I come with the knowledge of what I was like.
The things I did made no sense to my loved ones either...I was a mess.
I am sorry that you are going through this. Alcoholics cause some terrible damage.
s
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Originally Posted by venuscat
It is possible that all of the times he was "ignoring you" he was blind drunk Hen. Obviously, I have no idea how much he drinks, but it sounds to me like those days 'in bed' are drunk days.
I am a recovering alcoholic....so I come with the knowledge of what I was like.
The things I did made no sense to my loved ones either...I was a mess.
I am sorry that you are going through this. Alcoholics cause some terrible damage. s
I am a recovering alcoholic....so I come with the knowledge of what I was like.
The things I did made no sense to my loved ones either...I was a mess.
I am sorry that you are going through this. Alcoholics cause some terrible damage.
sthank you. I tended to think he binge drank through Friday and Saturday and then was in bed with the hangovers and anxiety fear til usually Tues r Wednesday but for sure he maybe kept drinking.... the thing is he often didn't drink at all when we were together, so I didn't suspect. Big binge weekend drinker.
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Originally Posted by Hen1
thank you. I tended to think he binge drank through Friday and Saturday and then was in bed with the hangovers and anxiety fear til usually Tues r Wednesday but for sure he maybe kept drinking.... the thing is he often didn't drink at all when we were together, so I didn't suspect. Big binge weekend drinker.
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Hen......discuss what? Please don\t think that what works in a normal healthy relationship (discussing issues)...would work in a relationship with a drunk or hungover alcoholic who has spiraled rather far into their addiction. An actively using alcoholic is not capable of the kinds or responsibilities that a healthy and mutually respectful relationship requires. Even if they might want the nice parts of the relationship----they are unable to llive up to that standard.
Say that you were to go to some AA meetings, as a fly on the wall----you will hear story after story of how alcoholics are unable to live up to required responsibilities in life. You will hear, over and over about lost jobs and businesses....broken relationships and failed marriages....lost children....financial ruin....failed health.....problems with the Law......etc.
Of course, you can't understand how his mind works, because you are not an alcoholic. Your brain is not altered in it's function by the chemical changes in your brain, as his is.
You will never completely understand it because it is not about simple logic. Logic is out the window, here.
If you are hoping that this will get better----it won't. He shows no signs of wanting to get sober and not drink another drink for the rest of his life. \Even if he did----it would take years to make that kind of life change.....and an alcoholic is never cured----they have to live in such a way that the addiction is kept in remission for the rest of their lives.
Also, consider that you have never known him as a truly sober person----and, that if he were to become sober, he would not be the person that you have ever known.
If you are thinking that you can change him----you can't. Change can only come from within himself because he wants it for himself.
I don't think you are "confused" at all. You recognized how badly you were being treated----and you didn't like it. That is not confusion---that is recognizing the reality of how you were beidng treated.
You deserve better than this in your life.
Say that you were to go to some AA meetings, as a fly on the wall----you will hear story after story of how alcoholics are unable to live up to required responsibilities in life. You will hear, over and over about lost jobs and businesses....broken relationships and failed marriages....lost children....financial ruin....failed health.....problems with the Law......etc.
Of course, you can't understand how his mind works, because you are not an alcoholic. Your brain is not altered in it's function by the chemical changes in your brain, as his is.
You will never completely understand it because it is not about simple logic. Logic is out the window, here.
If you are hoping that this will get better----it won't. He shows no signs of wanting to get sober and not drink another drink for the rest of his life. \Even if he did----it would take years to make that kind of life change.....and an alcoholic is never cured----they have to live in such a way that the addiction is kept in remission for the rest of their lives.
Also, consider that you have never known him as a truly sober person----and, that if he were to become sober, he would not be the person that you have ever known.
If you are thinking that you can change him----you can't. Change can only come from within himself because he wants it for himself.
I don't think you are "confused" at all. You recognized how badly you were being treated----and you didn't like it. That is not confusion---that is recognizing the reality of how you were beidng treated.
You deserve better than this in your life.
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Originally Posted by Hen1
I can't understand how he can treat me so badly even when I explained last time the silent treatment was so hurtful. Let alone the throwing things. I understand nothing the last few weeks.
As dandylion mentioned, you can't understand how he thinks because you are not an alcoholic.
As I read your post I was thinking this. He has loads of excuses and you made excuses for him, not illogical ones - just trying to apply "normal" responses to an abnormal situation.
This is not personal to you by the way. Alcoholics like to drink. He wants/needs alcohol more than you, more than his family, business, job, friends - it will always be the first priority for him, that is the nature of the addiction.
Now, does that mean he doesn't care about those things? Not necessarily, just that he wants to drink. So that is how it's not personal. Perhaps he managed to hold it together for a little while, perhaps he would like to have a relationship and friends and a business, he's just isn't a place to do that right now.
You really can't help him, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
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You know, as normies have a couple things going against us.
We may not have experienced or witnessed this growing up, so we're trying to decipher the addict's behavior and rationalize it like we would a normal person's. Or we may have grown up with an addict or two in our sphere, but other people bore the brunt of his or her bad behavior.
And we (or at least I) grew up in a time when this was being examined more closely as a mental health issue, and imbued us with the idea, "S/he's an addict. It's not his fault. It's different." Two of those sentences are true. There are addicts, and it isn't their fault they're addicts. However, poor treatment is poor treatment, it isn't different because the person is an alcoholic. We can debate endlessly over whether someone's attempt at sobriety is sincere or not, but that doesn't change how we're being treated.
This is the forum where I learned I couldn't change my husband. The lessons apply everywhere, though. I can't change my boss, I can do work-arounds. I can look for a new job. One of the most satisfying 'stay in my own lane' moments was keeping my mouth shut about a window display and having our store win the Christmas window contest.
I can't change my current man-friend (a borderline hoarder). Badgering him to get rid of stuff he never looks at is fruitless. I can set boundaries about how much space the hoard occupies. I can take an inventory of my own stuff and donate/ Freecycle/ use Facebook marketplace to create more order in my home.
We may not have experienced or witnessed this growing up, so we're trying to decipher the addict's behavior and rationalize it like we would a normal person's. Or we may have grown up with an addict or two in our sphere, but other people bore the brunt of his or her bad behavior.
And we (or at least I) grew up in a time when this was being examined more closely as a mental health issue, and imbued us with the idea, "S/he's an addict. It's not his fault. It's different." Two of those sentences are true. There are addicts, and it isn't their fault they're addicts. However, poor treatment is poor treatment, it isn't different because the person is an alcoholic. We can debate endlessly over whether someone's attempt at sobriety is sincere or not, but that doesn't change how we're being treated.
This is the forum where I learned I couldn't change my husband. The lessons apply everywhere, though. I can't change my boss, I can do work-arounds. I can look for a new job. One of the most satisfying 'stay in my own lane' moments was keeping my mouth shut about a window display and having our store win the Christmas window contest.
I can't change my current man-friend (a borderline hoarder). Badgering him to get rid of stuff he never looks at is fruitless. I can set boundaries about how much space the hoard occupies. I can take an inventory of my own stuff and donate/ Freecycle/ use Facebook marketplace to create more order in my home.
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That is so true. I'm trying to focus on myself now since evidently that that what he is doing. He still has all my stuff and I dont need it urgently so maybe he thinks he can just contact me when it suits him and we will be ok again. I Don get how his mind works anymore but it seems to be: drink, hangover, miss work, fail girlfriend, then come to senses and try to resolve all work issues. Eventually I'm somewhere down the list. 😒
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Originally Posted by Hen1
That is so true. I'm trying to focus on myself now since evidently that that what he is doing. He still has all my stuff and I dont need it urgently so maybe he thinks he can just contact me when it suits him and we will be ok again. I Don get how his mind works anymore but it seems to be: drink, hangover, miss work, fail girlfriend, then come to senses and try to resolve all work issues. Eventually I'm somewhere down the list. 😒
Everyone and everything is "down the list" - whatever needs to happen so he can drink.
I know it feels very personal. I know it seems like he has just cast you aside to do whatever he wants. That's true (in theory) but it's nothing to actually do with you personally. You could be a saint of a girlfriend, it would make no difference.
If you think about it, men and women leave their jobs, families, children and new babies to go off and drink. Are those family members not ok, are they somehow not good enough, not great? Well no, they are just fine, but addiction trumps all of that.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I wouldn't give him all that power. Whatever he is doing (drinking) is his side of the street. You can only control yours. That includes getting your stuff back. If you want it, let him know when you will be by to pick it up - date and time - he can negotiate that if he wants to.
Everyone and everything is "down the list" - whatever needs to happen so he can drink.
I know it feels very personal. I know it seems like he has just cast you aside to do whatever he wants. That's true (in theory) but it's nothing to actually do with you personally. You could be a saint of a girlfriend, it would make no difference.
If you think about it, men and women leave their jobs, families, children and new babies to go off and drink. Are those family members not ok, are they somehow not good enough, not great? Well no, they are just fine, but addiction trumps all of that.
Everyone and everything is "down the list" - whatever needs to happen so he can drink.
I know it feels very personal. I know it seems like he has just cast you aside to do whatever he wants. That's true (in theory) but it's nothing to actually do with you personally. You could be a saint of a girlfriend, it would make no difference.
If you think about it, men and women leave their jobs, families, children and new babies to go off and drink. Are those family members not ok, are they somehow not good enough, not great? Well no, they are just fine, but addiction trumps all of that.
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