Confusing relationship situation
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,676
Originally Posted by Hen1 
thanks. Yes that makes sense. I guess it hurts cos I know he has lucid times where where tries to get back on track with his career, but seemingly not with me.. 6 weeks ago we were happy and doing well, now its just all disappeared and he is ghosting me.
He does need money, can't drink in a moneyless vacuum! Generally, addicts (who are not too far gone to) will keep up with work or business. My Father was an alcoholic, he drank all his life but he worked a very responsible job until retirement.
His first wife (and 3 children) left him and My Mother and we 3 siblings left him - so you see it's not personal.
He needs alcohol. He won't quit until he is ready to and not a moment before. Some people can juggle job/addiction/family - some can't, most can't from what I have seen. Something falls apart and it's usually the family/relationships, not because they aren't important but because the alcohol is running the show.
Relationships take emotional investment/thoughtfulness/putting someone else first sometimes, jobs don't (generally) that's another difference.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by trailmix
Yes, this happens.
He does need money, can't drink in a moneyless vacuum! Generally, addicts (who are not too far gone to) will keep up with work or business. My Father was an alcoholic, he drank all his life but he worked a very responsible job until retirement.
His first wife (and 3 children) left him and My Mother and we 3 siblings left him - so you see it's not personal.
He needs alcohol. He won't quit until he is ready to and not a moment before. Some people can juggle job/addiction/family - some can't, most can't from what I have seen. Something falls apart and it's usually the family/relationships, not because they aren't important but because the alcohol is running the show.
Relationships take emotional investment/thoughtfulness/putting someone else first sometimes, jobs don't (generally) that's another difference.
He does need money, can't drink in a moneyless vacuum! Generally, addicts (who are not too far gone to) will keep up with work or business. My Father was an alcoholic, he drank all his life but he worked a very responsible job until retirement.
His first wife (and 3 children) left him and My Mother and we 3 siblings left him - so you see it's not personal.
He needs alcohol. He won't quit until he is ready to and not a moment before. Some people can juggle job/addiction/family - some can't, most can't from what I have seen. Something falls apart and it's usually the family/relationships, not because they aren't important but because the alcohol is running the show.
Relationships take emotional investment/thoughtfulness/putting someone else first sometimes, jobs don't (generally) that's another difference.
very good point. It appears that his family had to take over his initial businesses owing to a previous "bender". How I managed to gloss over that fact I don't know, but he had seemed so incontrol of his life now and I didnt ask for more info or have any real awareness of drinking problems. But it must have gotten bad. His family relationships seem very cold and perhaps this is cos they are used to problems. I just thought they were cold people and felt sorry for him for thid
I guess I'm still slowly putting 2 and 2 together.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Endings do hurt; sometimes we long for explanations and closure and for it all to make sense, and sometimes it simply won't. Your point of view is from outside his addiction, and as a separate person from him. This may be something that you simply accept as it is, as hard as it seems now.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,676
Originally Posted by Hen1
very good point. It appears that his family had to take over his initial businesses owing to a previous "bender". How I managed to gloss over that fact I don't know, but he had seemed so incontrol of his life now and I didnt ask for more info or have any real awareness of drinking problems. But it must have gotten bad. His family relationships seem very cold and perhaps this is cos they are used to problems. I just thought they were cold people and felt sorry for him for thid 
I guess I'm still slowly putting 2 and 2 together.
I guess I'm still slowly putting 2 and 2 together.
Yes, they were on the scene long before you and have been through all this before, perhaps many times. People have to take that distance or the will get dragged along for the ride.
If you aren't looking out for red flags, sometimes you just don't see them. As you said, he seemed very in control and on top of things now.
Addiction/alcoholism affects every person around the alcoholic, it's the nature of it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by trailmix
Yes, generally you hear on the forum here that the family is either detached and "cold", distant, uninterested in helping or that they help too much, enabling the addiction to flourish. Neither has much to do with it really - it just is.
Yes, they were on the scene long before you and have been through all this before, perhaps many times. People have to take that distance or the will get dragged along for the ride.
If you aren't looking out for red flags, sometimes you just don't see them. As you said, he seemed very in control and on top of things now.
Addiction/alcoholism affects every person around the alcoholic, it's the nature of it.
Yes, they were on the scene long before you and have been through all this before, perhaps many times. People have to take that distance or the will get dragged along for the ride.
If you aren't looking out for red flags, sometimes you just don't see them. As you said, he seemed very in control and on top of things now.
Addiction/alcoholism affects every person around the alcoholic, it's the nature of it.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
Good job seeking advice or information
It's tough being a sober person around the intoxicated. Sometimes it helps show a person's true colors including it sounds like you BF never grew up hanging around or living with friends who like to 'party' and/or use drugs like cocaine . Also sounds like this isn't a phase for him but a way of life. If he's blaming the stress of his new business does he really want his own business. Some say how one handles stress is a true indication of character. Laying in bed for 3 days is not a good sign of character.
Take care of yourself and stay safe. Stimulants like cocaine can lead to aggressive or violent behavior.
Good Luck!
It's tough being a sober person around the intoxicated. Sometimes it helps show a person's true colors including it sounds like you BF never grew up hanging around or living with friends who like to 'party' and/or use drugs like cocaine . Also sounds like this isn't a phase for him but a way of life. If he's blaming the stress of his new business does he really want his own business. Some say how one handles stress is a true indication of character. Laying in bed for 3 days is not a good sign of character.
Take care of yourself and stay safe. Stimulants like cocaine can lead to aggressive or violent behavior.
Good Luck!
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