nb4231

Hi Everyone!

I need some guidance. I'm wondering about the boundaries I'm setting with an increasingly active alcoholic. Is it helpful for him? I know it is for me. I don't want to communicate or be around him if he's drinking or hungover. He respects the no communication or getting together when he's drunk.

The first relapse he worked hard to convince me to move in with him ( I wouldn't). I didn't recognize he was drunk (we don't live in the same town) and it was awful the arguments we got into on the phone. I learned quickly to recognize his drunk voice and discussion topics. I let him know I wouldn't talk with him or see him if he was drunk.

When we first met and started dating he was sober and working consistently on his program. He moved away from AA because he said he felt it was depressing hearing the same stories over and over. There were a few slips but he was able to stay sober for weeks.. He's been binging lately. Three days last week and he's starting again this week.

I miss him. I'm not sure anymore about whether setting boundaries is helping because it doesn't seem to deter him? Any support or thoughts is greatly appreciated - nb

Achnasheen

Hi nb,
It's good that your boundaries are helping you; we set boundaries for ourselves, to protect and care for our self. If you try to set boundaries with the intent of controlling another person's actions or behaviours, You'll just become frustrated and heartbroken when it fails to work.
You didn't cause him to drink, and you can't change it, you cant stop it, you cant help him. He has to help himself. You can only control your own actions and decisions. One of those decisions can be if you truly want to live your life this way.
I've spent 30 years with my AH, and I'm slowly untangling myself so that I can leave. It's been beyond heartbreaking, it's been traumatizing. And it's so hard to leave.

trailmix

Hi nb!

The boundary you have set is for your wellbeing. It's not going to help or hurt him really.

A rule would be: If I come to visit you and you start drinking you need to leave the house and go and stay at a hotel until you are sober.

Now that's all fine and dandy, but that gives him all the power and decisions about your comfort. He can follow that rule or not, as he chooses (which is right of course, he is an adult and no one should be telling him what he can and cannot do, generally).

A boundary would be - if I come to visit you and you start drinking, I will leave and go to a hotel or I will leave and go home. That puts all the decision making in your hands, he doesn't have to actually do anything. You can share your boundaries with others or not, as you see fit. They aren't meant to be ultimatums/rules.

If you were hoping that would change his behaviour (as you said, deter him), well, he is an alcoholic, he wants to drink and that is exactly what he is going to do. He's not drinking at you, he's just drinking. The alcohol is more important than you, than his friends and family, than his job, that's just the way it works with addiction. If people could set rules or love people out of alcoholism, this forum wouldn't exist.

The question is, is this the kind of relationship you want?

I also recommend you learn as much about alcoholism as you can, this forum is a great source of information, you will likely find many threads you can relate to.

PeacefulWater12

Welcome nd4231, glad to have you join our group.

Boundaries are for you and you alone. Not designed to help the other person. They are to protect you.

What you share about him moving away from AA is classic alcoholic behaviour. They start picking fault in it, then leave, then drink.

He is not showing any signs of genuinely wanting to stop drinking so I encourage you to consider whether you want to continue a relationship like this. You mention fights and him trying to manipulate you when he tried to get you to move in. Also you avoiding certain discussion topics to avoid fights is you having to walk on eggshells to appease him. Do you want to live that way?

It is very likely he won't change so it is up to you to decide if you want to continue being around this. As you say, his alcoholism is increasing, this is usual.

Have a read around here and see other peoples stories and it will give you more understanding of what you are dealing with and whether you want to carry on. Also a lot of us here found the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie very helpful and a real eye opener.

Again welcome.

trailmix

You may want to read the most often recommended book here, Codependent no more by Melody Beattie. It discusses boundaries and relationships.

nb4231

Thanks for the responses! I hadn't thought of boundary-vs-rule. I did read Beattie's book a long time ago. I will look at it again. Fear is a huge motivator to attempt to control situations, and drinking is a scary one to me. Love is also a huge motivator to let go and simply enjoy the moment. The tug-of-war between the two is tough.

advbike

Alcoholism is progressive, so it will get worse. Please protect yourself while you still can. It gets harder to leave the longer we are in it.

trailmix

Yes fear you may lose this relationship. On the flip-side, maybe fear or perhaps more self-preservation should be pulling you in the other direction? Don't worry about him, he will be fine (in his own way, whatever "fine" is to him), but will you be?

You are already being hurt by his drinking/behaviour. He is already choosing alcohol over everything else. How long can you do that? How long before it starts to affect your self-esteem, before you sit and wonder why he would chose alcohol over you (well over all).

If you make yourself the focus here, you will be much better off you know?

You cannot "fix" him, you can't make him who you want him to be. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it. As soon as you start to think you can, you are in trouble, truly. Trying to manipulate him with ultimatums (don't call me when drunk = you will stop drinking for me) - that's dangerous territory. You can't win this one.

The only way forward in a relationship like this if for you to accept him just the way he is. That includes his drinking. Yes - just the way he is. No judgement, no rules, no threats, you are either in or you are out. If you wait for him to "become" what you want him to be, to commit to your expectations in this relationship, you will be looking back 20 years from now thinking, wow I wish I had just let him go and do his thing and me mine.

Think of his relationship with alcohol like this as well perhaps. You will never win the war, so, as is said here often - may as well drop that rope (or be dragged).

dandylion

Nb4.......if you haven't discovered the section of articles called "Classic Reading".....which is contained within the stickies section---just above the threads......I suggest that you find it.
We have more than 100 of wonderful articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones. There is sooo much information there, and there is sooo much to know!
Knowledge is power.

There is one particular article within the "Classic Readings", that, I think you could benefit from reading, right now. For your convenience, I am giving you the following link directly to it.

10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)

I hope that you will read it.