trailmix

Hi nb!

The boundary you have set is for your wellbeing. It's not going to help or hurt him really.

A rule would be: If I come to visit you and you start drinking you need to leave the house and go and stay at a hotel until you are sober.

Now that's all fine and dandy, but that gives him all the power and decisions about your comfort. He can follow that rule or not, as he chooses (which is right of course, he is an adult and no one should be telling him what he can and cannot do, generally).

A boundary would be - if I come to visit you and you start drinking, I will leave and go to a hotel or I will leave and go home. That puts all the decision making in your hands, he doesn't have to actually do anything. You can share your boundaries with others or not, as you see fit. They aren't meant to be ultimatums/rules.

If you were hoping that would change his behaviour (as you said, deter him), well, he is an alcoholic, he wants to drink and that is exactly what he is going to do. He's not drinking at you, he's just drinking. The alcohol is more important than you, than his friends and family, than his job, that's just the way it works with addiction. If people could set rules or love people out of alcoholism, this forum wouldn't exist.

The question is, is this the kind of relationship you want?

I also recommend you learn as much about alcoholism as you can, this forum is a great source of information, you will likely find many threads you can relate to.