Feeling disappointed in myself
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Feeling disappointed in myself
I felt like I was doing so good and then that hiccup came. He is still blocked and I know in time I will start to feel confident again. I just feel like there is so much time I wasted being with my exAH... I waited until my 30s to get married because I was waiting for someone that felt like my best friend. I watched all my friends get married and have kids in their 20s. I made the decision to not only get married to an alcoholic but also one who had a vestecomy in his 20s... so he has his 2 kids from his previous marriage... I dealt with moving across the country for 2 years so he could be closer to his kids/my step kids and literally flew to work... I was under so much stress during the time of my marriage that I gained 25 lbs... And yes these are all of my choices and I know that but I am so bummed guys... I am so angry ... Like so angry... Like how can someone try so hard in a marriage and have it be gone...
I think one of the hardest parts for me is the longer we stay apart ( almost 8 months since I have seen him ) the angrier I am becoming in some ways.... Is that strength? Is that me understanding at so many levels that how he treated me was NOT ok ever? Is that me finding my inner voice? I just have so many messed up memories from my marriage... so so so much emotional abuse... I am sure of it now that is was abuse and was and is not ok... I feel like I keep learning so much but I also want to be part of a family and be loved. I also always wanted that traditional in a sense marriage and kids and I just don't understand why things have to be so painful ... why this journey of being married to an alcoholic and leaving an alcoholic is so messed up...
I am happy he is blocked and I made a promise to myself that under no circumstance will I talk to him again... I know I am not at the begining of my healing by any means. I know the work I have put in for sure... I am such so mad at everything right now. It is like I want to be mad, I need to be mad.... I don't want to focus on the good... I just simply want to throw a fit and tell everyone to **** off.... well not everyone but you know what I mean... I have this little girl in me that has been fighting so long and so hard to do the right thing... show up for others and even when my clients are calling me work today I just didn't pick up... I just don't care anymore... I just have nothing left in me.... I am just pissed at life... Did anyone else feel this way? 8 months out ? I just have always been mostly sad and hurt but being this mad is new for me...
I think one of the hardest parts for me is the longer we stay apart ( almost 8 months since I have seen him ) the angrier I am becoming in some ways.... Is that strength? Is that me understanding at so many levels that how he treated me was NOT ok ever? Is that me finding my inner voice? I just have so many messed up memories from my marriage... so so so much emotional abuse... I am sure of it now that is was abuse and was and is not ok... I feel like I keep learning so much but I also want to be part of a family and be loved. I also always wanted that traditional in a sense marriage and kids and I just don't understand why things have to be so painful ... why this journey of being married to an alcoholic and leaving an alcoholic is so messed up...
I am happy he is blocked and I made a promise to myself that under no circumstance will I talk to him again... I know I am not at the begining of my healing by any means. I know the work I have put in for sure... I am such so mad at everything right now. It is like I want to be mad, I need to be mad.... I don't want to focus on the good... I just simply want to throw a fit and tell everyone to **** off.... well not everyone but you know what I mean... I have this little girl in me that has been fighting so long and so hard to do the right thing... show up for others and even when my clients are calling me work today I just didn't pick up... I just don't care anymore... I just have nothing left in me.... I am just pissed at life... Did anyone else feel this way? 8 months out ? I just have always been mostly sad and hurt but being this mad is new for me...
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Not over alcohol but sure do feel that way after a few years of an increasingly abusive work situation- sort of me being a frog in a slowly heating pot of water. Its mostly a good team and a good project but due to the management and to a large exent, the situation we find ourselves in, has led to a profoundly unjust and disfunctionaly stressful last few years. In the last quarter of 2020 pulling 18hr days, 7 days a week, week after week something broke- and I stopped caring. The situation started easing somewhat early 2021 and moreso this last fall but I still don't really care. They could cancel the project tomorrow and I'd be fine to walk away, this after investing a lot of time and passion into it for the last 10 years.. no interest in socializing with work people, don't care about follow-on work, the overall organization or my company.
I stay because of the stuff in there with my name on it, I like a lot of the people there and don't want to leave them in the lurch.. but beyond that...
Over 2021 I got much more serious about my work boundaries, I sign on the vpn 9-5, monday thru friday, work on stuff thats my business, ignore everything that doesn't have my name on it, and turn off the laptop at 5. If the pressure-cooker turns on again, I'm unsure what to do- pull the trigger and quit? Maybe.. but I do recognize my current condition as containing a lot of unresolved stress- perhaps a form of PTSD, and a strong tendency towards resentment, so not a good place to make big decisions from. I did a quick resume brush-up and some sniffing around for work I might be interested in.. more aligned with my historical interests and smaller companies.
That "being pissed" thing rings a bell for me too... sometime in 2020 I lost a lot of equanimity- its been a fairly quiet last 6 months and I'm still just beginning to recover some of that. Still there is a strong emotional surge when I get the work phone call or a high priority request- I keep saying "demand" but don't want to be saying that because they really are just requests these days (in 2020 it was all demands). My reactions are still somewhat getting away from me.
I stay because of the stuff in there with my name on it, I like a lot of the people there and don't want to leave them in the lurch.. but beyond that...
Over 2021 I got much more serious about my work boundaries, I sign on the vpn 9-5, monday thru friday, work on stuff thats my business, ignore everything that doesn't have my name on it, and turn off the laptop at 5. If the pressure-cooker turns on again, I'm unsure what to do- pull the trigger and quit? Maybe.. but I do recognize my current condition as containing a lot of unresolved stress- perhaps a form of PTSD, and a strong tendency towards resentment, so not a good place to make big decisions from. I did a quick resume brush-up and some sniffing around for work I might be interested in.. more aligned with my historical interests and smaller companies.
That "being pissed" thing rings a bell for me too... sometime in 2020 I lost a lot of equanimity- its been a fairly quiet last 6 months and I'm still just beginning to recover some of that. Still there is a strong emotional surge when I get the work phone call or a high priority request- I keep saying "demand" but don't want to be saying that because they really are just requests these days (in 2020 it was all demands). My reactions are still somewhat getting away from me.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by LovelyKaya33333 
I don't want to focus on the good
Everyone comes to the anger, that real f-you anger in their own time. Can be weeks, can be months, it's a normal reaction. Is it strength? Well you can direct it to be. You won't always feel this way but for now you do and hold on to that for a bit perhaps. Allow yourself to feel just as angry as you do.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
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I believe whatever we feel is valid.
The alcoholics/narcs in our lives tend to invalidate us at every point, also as codies we often believe our feelings aren't valid anyway. Only other peoples are!
I had to learn how to feel again. That it is ok to feel and it is valid. I don't have to act on all my feelings but they are valid. They move through me as I feel them if I let them. They release.
I think we are often hit by a huge backlog of buried emotions/trauma, ones we have not been allowed to feel in the past.
With me it was like being run over by a truck. It has eased now.
The alcoholics/narcs in our lives tend to invalidate us at every point, also as codies we often believe our feelings aren't valid anyway. Only other peoples are!
I had to learn how to feel again. That it is ok to feel and it is valid. I don't have to act on all my feelings but they are valid. They move through me as I feel them if I let them. They release.
I think we are often hit by a huge backlog of buried emotions/trauma, ones we have not been allowed to feel in the past.
With me it was like being run over by a truck. It has eased now.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 411
Relationship breakups are very often akin to bereavement. In many ways we are dealing with grief. The loss of something that has consumed your life at the deepest level is traumatic. It's widely understood there are 5 stages of grief. The main misconception is that they come in order. They dont, some or all can happen at the same time. Some might not happen at all. It's a very confusing time for all involved. The stages are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. Each and every one of those feelings are not just valid, they are widely expected. As PW has already said, all of your feelings are entirely normal.
Just realise there is a process you need to go through to come out the other side. Also remember, it really is your choice how you react to this (ultimately) and if you choose to move forward positively. Learn the lessons, apply those lessons to help you make better life choices. Admit to yourself that there were mistakes made, chances missed. Identify them and dont shy away. Youre putting the work in right here to work through it all....and yes, there is an end in sight.
Just realise there is a process you need to go through to come out the other side. Also remember, it really is your choice how you react to this (ultimately) and if you choose to move forward positively. Learn the lessons, apply those lessons to help you make better life choices. Admit to yourself that there were mistakes made, chances missed. Identify them and dont shy away. Youre putting the work in right here to work through it all....and yes, there is an end in sight.
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Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 122
You write on here alot. I do think writing out and feeling your feelings is important but I wonder if you are cycling through emotions without an end point? Not a criticism, it might be that's what you need. At some point, atleast for me, you just get bored of feeling this way and I think that's when you know you are ready to move on.
Maybe look into acceptance cognitive therapy (ACT). It's different to CBT and it's what it states. Accepting what has happened has happened,and then move on.
edit: As a thirty something old I get the regrets though. I really do. It really could have been so much worse.
Maybe look into acceptance cognitive therapy (ACT). It's different to CBT and it's what it states. Accepting what has happened has happened,and then move on.
edit: As a thirty something old I get the regrets though. I really do. It really could have been so much worse.
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Originally Posted by schnappi99
Not over alcohol but sure do feel that way after a few years of an increasingly abusive work situation- sort of me being a frog in a slowly heating pot of water. Its mostly a good team and a good project but due to the management and to a large exent, the situation we find ourselves in, has led to a profoundly unjust and disfunctionaly stressful last few years. In the last quarter of 2020 pulling 18hr days, 7 days a week, week after week something broke- and I stopped caring. The situation started easing somewhat early 2021 and moreso this last fall but I still don't really care. They could cancel the project tomorrow and I'd be fine to walk away, this after investing a lot of time and passion into it for the last 10 years.. no interest in socializing with work people, don't care about follow-on work, the overall organization or my company.
I stay because of the stuff in there with my name on it, I like a lot of the people there and don't want to leave them in the lurch.. but beyond that...
Over 2021 I got much more serious about my work boundaries, I sign on the vpn 9-5, monday thru friday, work on stuff thats my business, ignore everything that doesn't have my name on it, and turn off the laptop at 5. If the pressure-cooker turns on again, I'm unsure what to do- pull the trigger and quit? Maybe.. but I do recognize my current condition as containing a lot of unresolved stress- perhaps a form of PTSD, and a strong tendency towards resentment, so not a good place to make big decisions from. I did a quick resume brush-up and some sniffing around for work I might be interested in.. more aligned with my historical interests and smaller companies.
That "being pissed" thing rings a bell for me too... sometime in 2020 I lost a lot of equanimity- its been a fairly quiet last 6 months and I'm still just beginning to recover some of that. Still there is a strong emotional surge when I get the work phone call or a high priority request- I keep saying "demand" but don't want to be saying that because they really are just requests these days (in 2020 it was all demands). My reactions are still somewhat getting away from me.
I stay because of the stuff in there with my name on it, I like a lot of the people there and don't want to leave them in the lurch.. but beyond that...
Over 2021 I got much more serious about my work boundaries, I sign on the vpn 9-5, monday thru friday, work on stuff thats my business, ignore everything that doesn't have my name on it, and turn off the laptop at 5. If the pressure-cooker turns on again, I'm unsure what to do- pull the trigger and quit? Maybe.. but I do recognize my current condition as containing a lot of unresolved stress- perhaps a form of PTSD, and a strong tendency towards resentment, so not a good place to make big decisions from. I did a quick resume brush-up and some sniffing around for work I might be interested in.. more aligned with my historical interests and smaller companies.
That "being pissed" thing rings a bell for me too... sometime in 2020 I lost a lot of equanimity- its been a fairly quiet last 6 months and I'm still just beginning to recover some of that. Still there is a strong emotional surge when I get the work phone call or a high priority request- I keep saying "demand" but don't want to be saying that because they really are just requests these days (in 2020 it was all demands). My reactions are still somewhat getting away from me.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Why would you?
Everyone comes to the anger, that real f-you anger in their own time. Can be weeks, can be months, it's a normal reaction. Is it strength? Well you can direct it to be. You won't always feel this way but for now you do and hold on to that for a bit perhaps. Allow yourself to feel just as angry as you do.
Everyone comes to the anger, that real f-you anger in their own time. Can be weeks, can be months, it's a normal reaction. Is it strength? Well you can direct it to be. You won't always feel this way but for now you do and hold on to that for a bit perhaps. Allow yourself to feel just as angry as you do.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by PeacefulWater12
I believe whatever we feel is valid.
The alcoholics/narcs in our lives tend to invalidate us at every point, also as codies we often believe our feelings aren't valid anyway. Only other peoples are!
I had to learn how to feel again. That it is ok to feel and it is valid. I don't have to act on all my feelings but they are valid. They move through me as I feel them if I let them. They release.
I think we are often hit by a huge backlog of buried emotions/trauma, ones we have not been allowed to feel in the past.
With me it was like being run over by a truck. It has eased now.
The alcoholics/narcs in our lives tend to invalidate us at every point, also as codies we often believe our feelings aren't valid anyway. Only other peoples are!
I had to learn how to feel again. That it is ok to feel and it is valid. I don't have to act on all my feelings but they are valid. They move through me as I feel them if I let them. They release.
I think we are often hit by a huge backlog of buried emotions/trauma, ones we have not been allowed to feel in the past.
With me it was like being run over by a truck. It has eased now.
"The alcoholics/narcs in our lives tend to invalidate us at every point, also as codies we often believe our feelings aren't valid anyway. Only other peoples are!"
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Originally Posted by Triggered
Relationship breakups are very often akin to bereavement. In many ways we are dealing with grief. The loss of something that has consumed your life at the deepest level is traumatic. It's widely understood there are 5 stages of grief. The main misconception is that they come in order. They dont, some or all can happen at the same time. Some might not happen at all. It's a very confusing time for all involved. The stages are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. Each and every one of those feelings are not just valid, they are widely expected. As PW has already said, all of your feelings are entirely normal.
Just realise there is a process you need to go through to come out the other side. Also remember, it really is your choice how you react to this (ultimately) and if you choose to move forward positively. Learn the lessons, apply those lessons to help you make better life choices. Admit to yourself that there were mistakes made, chances missed. Identify them and dont shy away. Youre putting the work in right here to work through it all....and yes, there is an end in sight.
Just realise there is a process you need to go through to come out the other side. Also remember, it really is your choice how you react to this (ultimately) and if you choose to move forward positively. Learn the lessons, apply those lessons to help you make better life choices. Admit to yourself that there were mistakes made, chances missed. Identify them and dont shy away. Youre putting the work in right here to work through it all....and yes, there is an end in sight.
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Originally Posted by Kokoro
You write on here alot. I do think writing out and feeling your feelings is important but I wonder if you are cycling through emotions without an end point? Not a criticism, it might be that's what you need. At some point, atleast for me, you just get bored of feeling this way and I think that's when you know you are ready to move on.
Maybe look into acceptance cognitive therapy (ACT). It's different to CBT and it's what it states. Accepting what has happened has happened,and then move on.
edit: As a thirty something old I get the regrets though. I really do. It really could have been so much worse.
Maybe look into acceptance cognitive therapy (ACT). It's different to CBT and it's what it states. Accepting what has happened has happened,and then move on.
edit: As a thirty something old I get the regrets though. I really do. It really could have been so much worse.
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Kaya, I’m going through very similar emotions/anger right now, several months after ending a long term friendship with a narc. I really appreciate your posts. This thread in particular was very validating and what I needed to hear today. Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly. Your posts are very much appreciated.
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Originally Posted by LovelyKaya33333
Hi... I am triggered by this and not really sure how to respond. I write on here a lot sure but I also have been encouraged to do so. I have been private messaged by several people thanking me for sharing so openly and how it helps them. I have just hit 8 months since he left and I am doing my very best to accept and move on. hmmmmm. I am finding myself feeling annoyed and angry by this post as it is not helpful and to be honest is triggering me to not want to share. I will sit with that for now and see where it leads I suppose... This forum is for people who want to share and or read things so I am confused as to why you are pointing this out. I also do see an end point in this as I have had a lot of growth in the 8 months... sure some set backs but don't we all...? Anyway here I am defending my thoughts, feelings and posts...
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My experience in leaving an alcoholic? First, terrible anxiety and stress about the future. Second, after I left and he progressed even further in his alcoholism, terrible, wrenching guilt that sent me to a therapist. Third, realization that it was not my problem to solve and I had a right to live a good life and not be dragged under by someone else's alcoholism. Fourth, intense "f-you" anger at him for the horrors he put me through. Fifth, acceptance of what l had experienced and a sense of joy at being able to chart my own, healthy path for the future. It does get better, I assure you.
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Originally Posted by Rachel1411
My experience in leaving an alcoholic? First, terrible anxiety and stress about the future. Second, after I left and he progressed even further in his alcoholism, terrible, wrenching guilt that sent me to a therapist. Third, realization that it was not my problem to solve and I had a right to live a good life and not be dragged under by someone else's alcoholism. Fourth, intense "f-you" anger at him for the horrors he put me through. Fifth, acceptance of what l had experienced and a sense of joy at being able to chart my own, healthy path for the future. It does get better, I assure you.
Mine was struggle like Kaya, I was kind of addicted to him from 2015 to 2021. In these years even I was physically far away from him, I craved everyday. Eventually, we moved in together dedpite the fact that I knew he is adficted alcoholol and could not make it to his sisters wedding because he just could not stop drinking prior to wedding. Family is kind of accepted that.
While one of seperations but we still maintained contacts via phone calls and I still craved so much for him even after several months seperation. But oneday when my eldest sister died on May 2021 suddenly, he was littld drunk when told him the news he seemed do shocked but he was drunk whole time even he knew that news that he never showed up to me. Only drunken call for five days to, since my eldest sisters my love or cravings to him was completely gone and then I blocked him in many channels.I have zero feelengs for him. Literally, I dont care him anymore.
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Originally Posted by Enkbaa
Dear Kaya3. We appreciate your posts and honesties here. Its like watching mini series of complicated drama. Hope you would not mind me saying this. Because, you seem not listen to others heartfelt advices or supports here even back in 2016.You never contribute to others threads here(sorry for saying this) yet you seem so pissed when some people respond to your post than your expectation. I just want to say that there so many people love your threads some how it gives insights, familiarities, and dramas.So keep working on yourself rather than pining for the past or blaming men you were attractec that shattered your dream. We have some kinds of baits that hooked those narcs and addicts. Because we wrote all our insecurities on our foreheads thats how we attracted those narcs/ addicts who only can give us those insecurities once we felt when we young kids, so we are so hooked to them because all these men's treatments and the feelings we get from them sounded familiar to us. Therefore, first we really need to work on ourselves. If your parents are around, you can re-establish your connection with your parents. Good luck Kaya.
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Originally Posted by GiftsOfSobriety
Kaya, I’m going through very similar emotions/anger right now, several months after ending a long term friendship with a narc. I really appreciate your posts. This thread in particular was very validating and what I needed to hear today. Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly. Your posts are very much appreciated.
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Originally Posted by LovelyKaya33333
Hi... I do actually contribute to others posts on here. I do give advice... I do to a few people daily on here through private messages so I happen to disagree with that ... I have 63 messages in my inbox where people have reached out to me and asked if they could chat privately and I have given a lot of my time to this forum... I think I am extremely thankful and share that often
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Originally Posted by Enkbaa
Kaya, I apologize for my attack to you. I knew somehow our timelines and stories are similar.Everytime, I read your story I feel its my story since it has exact same time line where it started back in 2015 and how it ended on May 2021. I think you are very good person who engages and advises to other people via pms. I felt so small after I critcized you.
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Originally Posted by Rachel1411
My experience in leaving an alcoholic? First, terrible anxiety and stress about the future. Second, after I left and he progressed even further in his alcoholism, terrible, wrenching guilt that sent me to a therapist. Third, realization that it was not my problem to solve and I had a right to live a good life and not be dragged under by someone else's alcoholism. Fourth, intense "f-you" anger at him for the horrors he put me through. Fifth, acceptance of what l had experienced and a sense of joy at being able to chart my own, healthy path for the future. It does get better, I assure you.
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