Dating Again
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Dating Again
Hi Everyone... So I have been dipping my toes in the dating waters and I have to say I am really disappointed so far at the guys out there... Granted I am on dating apps... but there are 40 -50 year old men messaging .... "WYD sexy".....I had to look it up... but it means what are you doing... I feel like this "get everything at your fingertips" has created a world where people don't have to put effort in to getting to know someone and since they don't have to put effort in, no one seems to require effort put into them anymore and it goes round and round and round... I remember a time... ( and I am 39 not that old ) where if you liked someone you had to hang out with them outside your parents house (18 years old ish) and really get to know them... I really miss that sense of calmness and peace in wanting to actually engage... where are those guys? Not on the dating sites I am on... sheesh ...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Don’t take it too seriously, and don’t make rush judgements based on a couple of sentences. Men who are being corny and cheesy and borderline rude may turn out to be decent - probably just have no idea how to date either 
These poor souls wants to be loved just like all of us the whole WYD sexy is just due to lack for class and experience - but it can be coached/trained
Obviously - watch for red flags - being too pushy, any aggressive outbursts etc, questioning why it took you too long to reply, inviting themselves to your place, you know, all the obvious stuff
When I was doing online dating - I usually would meet with them for coffee pretty soon - would not engage in lengthy discussion at all….and have met some great people, none of them turned out to be anything long term. Outside of a couple of weird ones, experiences were good, no one stood me up, and I had no hard feelings towards anyone at the end. Ended up meeting BF in real life - but grateful for all the good interactions I had. Pretty sure BF did the WYD sexy a few times in the beginning, and I never really thought about anything serious - took it day at a time - and here we are, 2.5 years later, and he puts up with crazy ex husband and difficult teenage son I have. Love him very much
These poor souls wants to be loved just like all of us the whole WYD sexy is just due to lack for class and experience - but it can be coached/trained Obviously - watch for red flags - being too pushy, any aggressive outbursts etc, questioning why it took you too long to reply, inviting themselves to your place, you know, all the obvious stuff
When I was doing online dating - I usually would meet with them for coffee pretty soon - would not engage in lengthy discussion at all….and have met some great people, none of them turned out to be anything long term. Outside of a couple of weird ones, experiences were good, no one stood me up, and I had no hard feelings towards anyone at the end. Ended up meeting BF in real life - but grateful for all the good interactions I had. Pretty sure BF did the WYD sexy a few times in the beginning, and I never really thought about anything serious - took it day at a time - and here we are, 2.5 years later, and he puts up with crazy ex husband and difficult teenage son I have. Love him very much
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,652
I've never used a dating app and that's why I never would. I have met people I have met online, but in groups with shared interests (both male and female people) and by and large (except for 1) they were really nice, genuine people.
Since I haven't used one I can't say, but it would seem on any app there would be a number of people (maybe in the majority) that are just looking to hook up.
Are there things you like to do where you might meet people? People you might go out in a group with?
Since I haven't used one I can't say, but it would seem on any app there would be a number of people (maybe in the majority) that are just looking to hook up.
Are there things you like to do where you might meet people? People you might go out in a group with?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by Nata1980 
Don’t take it too seriously, and don’t make rush judgements based on a couple of sentences. Men who are being corny and cheesy and borderline rude may turn out to be decent - probably just have no idea how to date either These poor souls wants to be loved just like all of us the whole WYD sexy is just due to lack for class and experience - but it can be coached/trained
Obviously - watch for red flags - being too pushy, any aggressive outbursts etc, questioning why it took you too long to reply, inviting themselves to your place, you know, all the obvious stuff
When I was doing online dating - I usually would meet with them for coffee pretty soon - would not engage in lengthy discussion at all….and have met some great people, none of them turned out to be anything long term. Outside of a couple of weird ones, experiences were good, no one stood me up, and I had no hard feelings towards anyone at the end. Ended up meeting BF in real life - but grateful for all the good interactions I had. Pretty sure BF did the WYD sexy a few times in the beginning, and I never really thought about anything serious - took it day at a time - and here we are, 2.5 years later, and he puts up with crazy ex husband and difficult teenage son I have. Love him very much
These poor souls wants to be loved just like all of us the whole WYD sexy is just due to lack for class and experience - but it can be coached/trainedObviously - watch for red flags - being too pushy, any aggressive outbursts etc, questioning why it took you too long to reply, inviting themselves to your place, you know, all the obvious stuff
When I was doing online dating - I usually would meet with them for coffee pretty soon - would not engage in lengthy discussion at all….and have met some great people, none of them turned out to be anything long term. Outside of a couple of weird ones, experiences were good, no one stood me up, and I had no hard feelings towards anyone at the end. Ended up meeting BF in real life - but grateful for all the good interactions I had. Pretty sure BF did the WYD sexy a few times in the beginning, and I never really thought about anything serious - took it day at a time - and here we are, 2.5 years later, and he puts up with crazy ex husband and difficult teenage son I have. Love him very much
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by trailmix
I've never used a dating app and that's why I never would. I have met people I have met online, but in groups with shared interests (both male and female people) and by and large (except for 1) they were really nice, genuine people.
Since I haven't used one I can't say, but it would seem on any app there would be a number of people (maybe in the majority) that are just looking to hook up.
Are there things you like to do where you might meet people? People you might go out in a group with?
Since I haven't used one I can't say, but it would seem on any app there would be a number of people (maybe in the majority) that are just looking to hook up.
Are there things you like to do where you might meet people? People you might go out in a group with?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 73
Good hell…so “WYD sexy?” is the line the mid-50’s meatheads at the gym with the tribal tats and ear gauges are using? Uhg, I’m moving back to AK. I met my AW online in 2003 when online dating was relatively new. I don’t want to have to jump back into that pool. Have you seen how old those people look?! 
I’m not sure how LA stacks up against the rest of the west coast for dating. I’ve only gone there for football games and Disney over the decades. It’s not my cup of tea for sure, but there’s a ton of places in the west that are now havens for LA folks getting away from there. Not sure if you like high altitude mountain trail running, but lots of that in the Intermountain West. There’s some great whitewater kayaking that could be a bit of a substitute for surfing (no sharks). Of course it comes along with differing political views in a lot of regions. But that’s also been getting diluted in the last 20-years.
I wish you the best, and of course, don’t settle for less.
I’m not sure how LA stacks up against the rest of the west coast for dating. I’ve only gone there for football games and Disney over the decades. It’s not my cup of tea for sure, but there’s a ton of places in the west that are now havens for LA folks getting away from there. Not sure if you like high altitude mountain trail running, but lots of that in the Intermountain West. There’s some great whitewater kayaking that could be a bit of a substitute for surfing (no sharks). Of course it comes along with differing political views in a lot of regions. But that’s also been getting diluted in the last 20-years.
I wish you the best, and of course, don’t settle for less.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Originally Posted by LovelyKaya33333
I get what you are saying but there is something about a 40-50 year old man that has a profile like a teenager and says WYD sexy... Is just hard to swallow... I think I am just missing the late 90s lol
conversations - and you can set the tone?
Is every single person is doing WYD sexy thing?
There is also a bot/fake possibility that we should not forget about…..I am pretty sure I’ve seen it all…again - one cannot take it too seriously
Good luck - even if nothing pans out, it’s good for occasional laugh
If it starts getting annoying/frustrating and not bringing you any joy - go on surfing or running - that sounds wonderful (I run too, nowhere to surf here)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 411
Met my wife online. Thank goodness it turned out well. Trust me...for every 'WYD' theres a 'it's my birthday, do you have paypal?' lol. Like others have said, don't take that nonsense too seriously, lots of guys are there for instant gratification or are just too lazy to make an effort. But dont forget these sites and apps are designed like conveyor belts, many guys will usually act accordingly and it's set up for them to do exactly that.
What I would say to anyone serious about finding a partner online is to follow a few simple rules and guides to stay safe and also get the most out of your experience:
Do not under any circumstances send money to anyone
Do not make promises you cant keep (sounds silly but this can often be a sign that youre overly eager to please, scammers love to see this)
If and when you do meet someone you like, remember that the most valuable currency online isssss.......wait for itttttttt....
Time
Scammers HATE you wasting their time, flakes and the WYD's dont have the commitment necessary and players have just too many balls in the air. Lots of people can spend an evening chatting, when theyre missing or make excuses the next day, it's never a good sign
Myself and my future wife spent hours on skype every day before we decided to meet and there was never a sense of anything rushed or inconvenient...it was a year before we actually met face to face
Stay safe, with a bit of savvy and common sense the laws of average means you'll find someone genuine, good luck
What I would say to anyone serious about finding a partner online is to follow a few simple rules and guides to stay safe and also get the most out of your experience:
Do not under any circumstances send money to anyone
Do not make promises you cant keep (sounds silly but this can often be a sign that youre overly eager to please, scammers love to see this)
If and when you do meet someone you like, remember that the most valuable currency online isssss.......wait for itttttttt....
Time
Scammers HATE you wasting their time, flakes and the WYD's dont have the commitment necessary and players have just too many balls in the air. Lots of people can spend an evening chatting, when theyre missing or make excuses the next day, it's never a good sign
Myself and my future wife spent hours on skype every day before we decided to meet and there was never a sense of anything rushed or inconvenient...it was a year before we actually met face to face
Stay safe, with a bit of savvy and common sense the laws of average means you'll find someone genuine, good luck
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
I found love in the personals - on that national site that sells everything and no longer has a personals section. I found myself looking at it as a sociological experiment so I was less invested emotionally. In my experience for instance, men who were 'looking for someone open-minded' tended to be married men looking for something on the side. YMMV.
I'll tell you what worked for me: instead of a list of what I wanted, I wrote the ad reflecting MY strong points and interests, and my height/weight/body type/complexion. 1) Those types of ads were more appealing to ME and gave me a better idea of the person writing them and 2) why waste everybody's time if he's looking for his 'busty angel' and I'm a B cup? Amusingly, Current Guy does in fact like buxom women, but when you're looking for a real connection with someone, physical 'type' isn't as important as character, sense of humor, being sane and having a measure of maturity.
One does sort through a lot of chaff to get to the wheat, though.
I'll tell you what worked for me: instead of a list of what I wanted, I wrote the ad reflecting MY strong points and interests, and my height/weight/body type/complexion. 1) Those types of ads were more appealing to ME and gave me a better idea of the person writing them and 2) why waste everybody's time if he's looking for his 'busty angel' and I'm a B cup? Amusingly, Current Guy does in fact like buxom women, but when you're looking for a real connection with someone, physical 'type' isn't as important as character, sense of humor, being sane and having a measure of maturity.
One does sort through a lot of chaff to get to the wheat, though.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2021
Location: MN
Posts: 63
Isnt it little soon to date after this diificult break up dear? Everytime, i read your stories I feel read my stories with same time lines. You are so young only 39 my goodness. I am trying to work on my self since the complete NC and breake up in May. I blocked him and his fathers phone Fb. I took online therephy and lectures. Why we are so attracted to those who disrespect us or addicts, because we do have psychologocsl problem that was instilled since childhood. If we had very secure childhood, we wouldnot end up here. Until 44, I never understood why I always bumpt to guyswho are not available emotionally or not love me enough,its all rooted in our self confidence and childhood bringing. Yhe more sooner you try to date or relationship the more you will hurt, instead work on yourself.
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Join Date: Apr 2021
Location: MN
Posts: 63
Unless we dont heal our innerchild we will again meet same guys as always we uded to meet, therefore I really want to work on my self.I dont have a hard feelings anymore to my ex compleye NC helped and therepy and psychological lectures helped really this time. I was so desperate like you but finally it hit me at 44. Until then Ithought that I like men and s.e.x but I was not actually. I just have found out recently that how childhood upbringing and environment contributed my srlf confidence and psychology.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 411
Originally Posted by Enkbaa
Isnt it little soon to date after this diificult break up dear? Everytime, i read your stories I feel read my stories with same time lines. You are so young only 39 my goodness. I am trying to work on my self since the complete NC and breake up in May. I blocked him and his fathers phone Fb. I took online therephy and lectures. Why we are so attracted to those who disrespect us or addicts, because we do have psychologocsl problem that was instilled since childhood. If we had very secure childhood, we wouldnot end up here. Until 44, I never understood why I always bumpt to guyswho are not available emotionally or not love me enough,its all rooted in our self confidence and childhood bringing. Yhe more sooner you try to date or relationship the more you will hurt, instead work on yourself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 411
Originally Posted by enkbaa
unless we dont heal our innerchild we will again meet same guys as always we uded to meet, therefore i really want to work on my self.i dont have a hard feelings anymore to my ex compleye nc helped and therepy and psychological lectures helped really this time. I was so desperate like you but finally it hit me at 44. Until then ithought that i like men and s.e.x but i was not actually. I just have found out recently that how childhood upbringing and environment contributed my srlf confidence and psychology.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2021
Location: MN
Posts: 63
Glad we are discussing this.[/QUOTE]
Yes dear.It's like "elephant in the room", we share and support each other,complain about bad men, but we never talk about our "absent selfworth" as Triggered elobarated. Why we keep run into same type of men or relationship over and over? Its because we had no inner peace or worth. We had somehow chronic problem that might happened in childhood. So we all have written all these childhood insecure life in our forehead,as in adult life we just attract men who can remind or who can give us same feeling of insecurity feeling once we had from our upbringing and surrounding when we were young. So how about now we just try to claim our childhood upbringing security, if never try to work on the healing part, we will end up with same kind of men and keep complain.
QUOTE=PeacefulWater12;7748959]I very much agree, unless we heal our past, we will keep recreating our patterns.
Keep going for the same person with the same traits, just a different face each time.
Glad we are discussing this.[/QUOTE]
Yes dear.It's like "elephant in the room", we share and support each other,complain about bad men, but we never talk about our "absent selfworth" as Triggered elobarated. Why we keep run into same type of men or relationship over and over? Its because we had no inner peace or worth. We had somehow chronic problem that might happened in childhood. So we all have written all these childhood insecure life in our forehead,as in adult life we just attract men who can remind or who can give us same feeling of insecurity feeling once we had from our upbringing and surrounding when we were young. So how about now we just try to claim our childhood upbringing security, if never try to work on the healing part, we will end up with same kind of men and keep complain.
QUOTE=PeacefulWater12;7748959]I very much agree, unless we heal our past, we will keep recreating our patterns.
Keep going for the same person with the same traits, just a different face each time.
Glad we are discussing this.[/QUOTE]
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
With self - awareness, dipping toes in the dating pool can also be part of a growth and healing process . . . in my own journey, I'm beginning to see a difference in how I date and build relationships now as compared to before I did all the work. I've dated a few people I was able to see the red flags right off, and accept that and move on. I'm dating someone now who is nothing like my previous "type," and I'm really having to work at communicating and reading cues, moving at a much slower pace, and keeping my side of it realistic and not allowing my mind to jet off into limerance. It is very much an exercise of consciousness of self and applying what I've learnt. It is possible to do this from a healthy place, and not from a place continuing old patterns and substituting self - worth, if it is done with intention, thoughtfulness, and from a place of knowing ourselves.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Originally Posted by Enkbaa
Yes dear.It's like "elephant in the room", we share and support each other,complain about bad men, but we never talk about our "absent selfworth" as Triggered elobarated. Why we keep run into same type of men or relationship over and over? Its because we had no inner peace or worth. We had somehow chronic problem that might happened in childhood. So we all have written all these childhood insecure life in our forehead,as in adult life we just attract men who can remind or who can give us same feeling of insecurity feeling once we had from our upbringing and surrounding when we were young. So how about now we just try to claim our childhood upbringing security, if never try to work on the healing part, we will end up with same kind of men and keep complain.
I am learning to enjoy the company of people who in the past would have seemed boring to me. Reality being they are stable, emotionally mature and do not create a big rollercoaster of emotions. They are steady, reliable and trustworthy. The opposite of the people who attracted me in the past.
I am building myself a safe, secure life now. One I have never had before. In childhood and then in adulthood due to my own recreation of childhood patterns.
I want my life to feel safe and secure. Not be knocked off course by a destructive person I have invited in.
That is 100% on me to do. I feel if I invite another alcoholic or narc into my life to create chaos that will entirely my own fault. Having just about come out of my Trauma Bond to late AH, I don't ever want to go through that again.
I can see my part now in my marriage to late AH. My enabling, my co-dependency. We shared the sick dance together. Late AH was my A dad in a different body. I was my enabler mum in a different body.
I am not anymore.
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