Help.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2022
Posts: 22
Help.
Hello. I was wondering and hoping that someone would be able to give me advice. I was with my boyfriend for a year and half and I always knew he had a drinking problem but never knew to the extent. We met one another at work and fell in love quite quickly or so I thought. He is a lot younger than me but we were ok with it. We always thought we were soul mates and I moved in with him quite quickly. He was very loving but also quite erratic due to his drinking and also turned out to be drugs which I had no idea about. In the end he moved to live with his Dad, which was a two hour drive away but we tried to make it work and he said that he would come back after 6 months when he got his life on track and we would start a family etc.He was so in love with me he said and all he wanted to do was be with me and have our own family and travel. I welcomed him into my life and my daughters life. We saw each other quite a few times once he had moved away and said he was trying to sort his life out but the times I saw him he was drunk or high but still so loving and caring and obsessed with me. He then ended up on a massive binge and he and his father decided he needed to go to rehab so he went for a month. He called and FaceTimed me every day for the month and still said how much he loved me and all the right things really. He came out and I saw him once for two nights then he became distant and on Xmas eve broke up with me, said he couldn’t have a relationship while in recovery but prior to that he said that he hadn’t told his therapist he was in a relationship but is now listening to what they have said. I know he met a woman in rehab but said there was nothing there, just friends but I just don’t know. He has since said that there is nothing going on between them. To say I am heartbroken is an understatement. I stood by hime for the year and a half, took all his nastiness when drink, supported him emotionally throughout it all, looked after him and now he wants nothing to do with me. I just don’t know what to do or how to process it all. Is it normal to come out of rehab and break up with someone? If anyone has any advice I’d really appreciate it. Thank you
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
Aww, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. This just stinks.
Although he may act loving, he's a mess. Drugs of various kinds (because booze is a drug, too) and he's not honest. He lied to his therapist - red flag there, because if he wasn't honest with the therapist she/he can't do the job. He's lying, (or maybe even only confused) about where he stands with the woman he met at rehab. (Or he's not, but he misled her) He's obsessed with you? I know what it's like to be newly infatuated, but real live adults aren't obsessed. That's flattering to you, but not good. Adults realize it takes time to develop a strong relationship. Relationships aren't instant oatmeal from an envelope, there's more to it than "add water and stir."
He didn't go into rehab for himself, his father sent him. Bad news, if he didn't care about it for himself, other people pushing him into it will likely only end up with short-term results. I'll go out on a limb and guess his distance from you is because he's using again. Plus you mention when you did see one another while living apart, he was drunk or high. That wasn't "getting his life together."
You have a child. She's watching you and learning from you what to expect in an adult relationship. Don't set her up with low expectations.
Although he may act loving, he's a mess. Drugs of various kinds (because booze is a drug, too) and he's not honest. He lied to his therapist - red flag there, because if he wasn't honest with the therapist she/he can't do the job. He's lying, (or maybe even only confused) about where he stands with the woman he met at rehab. (Or he's not, but he misled her) He's obsessed with you? I know what it's like to be newly infatuated, but real live adults aren't obsessed. That's flattering to you, but not good. Adults realize it takes time to develop a strong relationship. Relationships aren't instant oatmeal from an envelope, there's more to it than "add water and stir."
He didn't go into rehab for himself, his father sent him. Bad news, if he didn't care about it for himself, other people pushing him into it will likely only end up with short-term results. I'll go out on a limb and guess his distance from you is because he's using again. Plus you mention when you did see one another while living apart, he was drunk or high. That wasn't "getting his life together."
You have a child. She's watching you and learning from you what to expect in an adult relationship. Don't set her up with low expectations.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Poco......yes, it is not unusual for "rehab romances" to occur.
\Looking at the total picture, he just seems like he is not good relationship material for anyone. He is not even doi ng what is good for himself.
Actually, the whole time you have known him---he hasn't been his real self. He has always been under the influence of something that is brain altering. He doesn't even know himself, at this point.
Regardless of his chronological age, he is very immature in his development (anong other things).
You have very serious adult responsibilities, and you need a partner who is stable and capable of shouldering adult level responsibilities. He looks a long way from there.
We all get it, how bad breakups hurt. You invested a lot of yourself into this guy and it has not been reciprocated. It probably feels like you have been slammed to the bottom of the ocean floor. You have our compassion on this.
You won't always feel this way. You do deserve better in a partner.
I have a couple of suggestions for you.
It is normal to want affection and attention in an intimate relationship. When we are looking for it---it can feel like a drug for us---like a "heroine high". Especially if we have beedn love starved sometime in our past.
In order to help you do some self a ssessment of your situation, I suggest the folllowing-----
1. Get and read the most often recommended book on this forum. "Co-dependent No More". It is an easy read and I predict that a lot of it will resonate with you.
2. We have thousands of real life stories, here on this forum. You can find your story, ma ny times on here. I suggest that you read some of the stories from the brginning to the very end---some of the span many years.
To get to the beginning of a story----go to the person's name on the far left of their post--- and, click on it. From the scroll down---look for th eir "previous threads" and click on that. It will give you every thread and post they have ever made.
Keep reading and you will see soooo many patterns emerging. You will see that your experience is common and that you are not alone.
3. Join an alanon group. Face to face is best--but, there are online groups available.
4. In addition to a lanon, find yourself a therapist in order to get individual support for issues that may be unique to you. Yoiu will need all the support you can get...lol.
\Looking at the total picture, he just seems like he is not good relationship material for anyone. He is not even doi ng what is good for himself.
Actually, the whole time you have known him---he hasn't been his real self. He has always been under the influence of something that is brain altering. He doesn't even know himself, at this point.
Regardless of his chronological age, he is very immature in his development (anong other things).
You have very serious adult responsibilities, and you need a partner who is stable and capable of shouldering adult level responsibilities. He looks a long way from there.
We all get it, how bad breakups hurt. You invested a lot of yourself into this guy and it has not been reciprocated. It probably feels like you have been slammed to the bottom of the ocean floor. You have our compassion on this.
You won't always feel this way. You do deserve better in a partner.
I have a couple of suggestions for you.
It is normal to want affection and attention in an intimate relationship. When we are looking for it---it can feel like a drug for us---like a "heroine high". Especially if we have beedn love starved sometime in our past.
In order to help you do some self a ssessment of your situation, I suggest the folllowing-----
1. Get and read the most often recommended book on this forum. "Co-dependent No More". It is an easy read and I predict that a lot of it will resonate with you.
2. We have thousands of real life stories, here on this forum. You can find your story, ma ny times on here. I suggest that you read some of the stories from the brginning to the very end---some of the span many years.
To get to the beginning of a story----go to the person's name on the far left of their post--- and, click on it. From the scroll down---look for th eir "previous threads" and click on that. It will give you every thread and post they have ever made.
Keep reading and you will see soooo many patterns emerging. You will see that your experience is common and that you are not alone.
3. Join an alanon group. Face to face is best--but, there are online groups available.
4. In addition to a lanon, find yourself a therapist in order to get individual support for issues that may be unique to you. Yoiu will need all the support you can get...lol.
In search of myself
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Philadelphia FREEDOM
Posts: 150
Originally Posted by Pocohontas78 
He was very loving but also quite erratic due to his drinking and also turned out to be drugs
but the times I saw him he was drunk or high but still so loving and caring and obsessed with me.
I stood by him for the year and a half, took all his nastiness when drink,
but the times I saw him he was drunk or high but still so loving and caring and obsessed with me.
I stood by him for the year and a half, took all his nastiness when drink,
Sounds like he love-bombed you. But he was also erratic. That doesn't sound like a healthy form of love at all. Although I can see where you would feel blindsided by him breaking up with you at Christmas, from the things you posted, it sounds like it somewhat fits with his unpredictable behavior.
I'd suggest you look inward to start trying to figure out why you tolerated someone being in a relationship with you who was nasty and drunk/drugged a great deal of the time. It could help you to heal from this.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,345
You deserve so much more, and your daughter certainly does. She’s powerless and counting on you to love yourself and therefore increasing your ability to keep her safe mentally and physically.
hugs. It’s hard.
you have very good advice here, read and reread it, follow it.
Coming here is a great start in the direction you really want your life to go
hugs. It’s hard.
you have very good advice here, read and reread it, follow it.
Coming here is a great start in the direction you really want your life to go
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2022
Posts: 22
Help
Thank you so much for all of your advice. It means a lot. He has been in touch and said he liked talking to me and we spoke every day over text, nothing emotional really just every day conversation and then all of sudden he just stopped, I asked him a question about a concert we were due to go to in March and what he would like me to do with the tickets and then nothing, not one reply and it’s a week now. He will look at all my Instagram stories but no contact at all. I have noticed him following many more girls and I am presuming he has moved on now but I really thought he wanted to concentrate on himself. I’m angry and deeply hurt by it all. It’s the issue that I stood by him through it all and then he comes out and just drops me like I meant nothing. Is this common?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Yes, sadly it is. If you read some of the other threads in this section of the forum, you will see it. Addiction makes people very erratic and unpredictable, even in early recovery. They don't know who they are. I’m really sorry for the pain he caused you and your daughter and suggest going no contact.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,650
Unfortunately, standing by someone when they need help doesn't mean they will appreciate it. This is true in general, not just with alcoholics, of course. Best only to give of your compassion with no expectations.
I don't know if he was sober, but maybe he has gone back to drinking, maybe he has just wandered off to drink some more. He has never been the most reliable person, so that isn't a surprise really.
This is who he is, distance from him is perhaps a good idea for you. You don't need to let him hurt you anymore.
I don't know if he was sober, but maybe he has gone back to drinking, maybe he has just wandered off to drink some more. He has never been the most reliable person, so that isn't a surprise really.
This is who he is, distance from him is perhaps a good idea for you. You don't need to let him hurt you anymore.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2022
Posts: 22
Really need advice again 🤦🏻♀️
Hello again, was wondering if I could possibly have some advice. My ex contacted me the other night, we have spoken a few times since we parted after he broke up with me to concentrate on his recovery, so he said and I’m a little lost. When he messaged me he spoke to me like he used to in a way, he told me he loved me, said he wanted a baby with me again, wanted to meet up and said I was beautiful and lovely and all such other nice things he has since ignored me when I asked that I would like to meet him for some sort of closure, completely blanked me yet looks as my stories on Instagram. He said that he had come close to relapse but I am wondering if he did as it was unusual behaviour from him since we parted . He has left me very confused and hurt and I’m at a loss as to what to do, he said he didn’t like the thought of me with anyone else and asked who I was talking to, I said no one as that’s the truth. I am bewildered by his behaviour towards me. Is this usual? He has now been 2.5 months clean and 5 weeks since we broke up . If anyone has any advice I’d appreciate it as just downs know what to do.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 291
To be honest, I would give him "the boot" completely and go no contact at all. Block him! As long as he has access to you, he will continue to behave like this towards you.
He's playing with you, because he knows he can. That's very cruel, and actually speaks volumes about his lack of respect for you. He's keeping that string attached to you, and saying what he thinks you want to hear.
Don't be an option for him. Move on without closure - he sounds very unstable. Addiction aside, he's not good partner material for now, especially when you have a child to consider.
Just my thoughts
Much Love
Bute x
He's playing with you, because he knows he can. That's very cruel, and actually speaks volumes about his lack of respect for you. He's keeping that string attached to you, and saying what he thinks you want to hear.
Don't be an option for him. Move on without closure - he sounds very unstable. Addiction aside, he's not good partner material for now, especially when you have a child to consider.
Just my thoughts
Much Love
Bute x
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Gosh, I'd run. I'd go no contact and just be done. And yes, I'd feel like I'd narrowly escaped being used.
Whether or not he's relapsed, you won't really know for certain (and is it necessary for you to know)? But I will say it sounds like possibly he has. Recovery is hard work and there usually isn't the extra bandwidth needed to maintain relationships -- people are strongly advised to give it a year of recovery before jumping into relationships for this reason. It's hard to say the reasons why someone does something, and you might not really ever know why, what you see is what they do and their actions. From a person without addictions, I would see this as red flag behavior. Don't give him a pass because of your history and his attempts at recovery. He's not ready, and most likely, neither are you.
Whether or not he's relapsed, you won't really know for certain (and is it necessary for you to know)? But I will say it sounds like possibly he has. Recovery is hard work and there usually isn't the extra bandwidth needed to maintain relationships -- people are strongly advised to give it a year of recovery before jumping into relationships for this reason. It's hard to say the reasons why someone does something, and you might not really ever know why, what you see is what they do and their actions. From a person without addictions, I would see this as red flag behavior. Don't give him a pass because of your history and his attempts at recovery. He's not ready, and most likely, neither are you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
After 2 1/2 months clean, his emotions are all over the place. His thinking will not be nearly back to normal. Recovery is a process that takes years, and even AA recommends no dating in the first year for this very reason. I met someone when I was 9 months sober and thought she was wonderful, was crazy in love. After some time I realized it was mostly because my addictive brain had found a new high. It takes a long time to rewire the brain and get to know who we really are.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
Well, technically, I guess, in the spirit of the forum we can say what WE did and what the result was, but stop short of actually giving advice.
In looking back on 25 years with an alcoholic spouse, I would tell a friend this:
"This is who your beloved is today. Imagine that this is as good as it gets. When I was young, I discounted the problems my husband had because after all, alcoholism is a disease, and he couldn't help having a disease. But you know what? It doesn't matter *why* the relationship is sub-standard. **Why** he forgets to take out the trash / spends his time watching TV or playing computer games / says hurtful things / doesn't pitch in with chores / can't seem to get finances in order doesn't matter. If he's an addict or his parents never instilled a work ethic in him or he's just a jerk or a lazy bum, this is who he is."
Advice columnist Ann Landers used to say, "Marriage is not reform school." She was right.
I probably came to this forum years ago wondering "How can I make my beloved change so I don't have to?" One of the most useful things I've learned from this forum over the years is that I can't change other people. Accept each as he is, accept that this is the life he or she has chosen. I can change. I can decide I want more. I can decide to stay, and be honest with myself that life with my qualifier will be like this.
Of course, he doesn't want to think of you with someone else. He wants you around so IF and when he feels like having company, you're available. I want my friends and family available, too, but it's a two-way street. I have to be available to others, too, not just when it's convenient but when they need me.
The idea that we need to talk to an ex for 'closure' is in my opinion, incorrect. Many (most) men I've been interested in have rejected me. Explaining the reasons (however nicely) wouldn't have made me feel any better. Getting over a romance is an inside job for everyone, and it takes time.
In looking back on 25 years with an alcoholic spouse, I would tell a friend this:
"This is who your beloved is today. Imagine that this is as good as it gets. When I was young, I discounted the problems my husband had because after all, alcoholism is a disease, and he couldn't help having a disease. But you know what? It doesn't matter *why* the relationship is sub-standard. **Why** he forgets to take out the trash / spends his time watching TV or playing computer games / says hurtful things / doesn't pitch in with chores / can't seem to get finances in order doesn't matter. If he's an addict or his parents never instilled a work ethic in him or he's just a jerk or a lazy bum, this is who he is."
Advice columnist Ann Landers used to say, "Marriage is not reform school." She was right.
I probably came to this forum years ago wondering "How can I make my beloved change so I don't have to?" One of the most useful things I've learned from this forum over the years is that I can't change other people. Accept each as he is, accept that this is the life he or she has chosen. I can change. I can decide I want more. I can decide to stay, and be honest with myself that life with my qualifier will be like this.
Of course, he doesn't want to think of you with someone else. He wants you around so IF and when he feels like having company, you're available. I want my friends and family available, too, but it's a two-way street. I have to be available to others, too, not just when it's convenient but when they need me.
The idea that we need to talk to an ex for 'closure' is in my opinion, incorrect. Many (most) men I've been interested in have rejected me. Explaining the reasons (however nicely) wouldn't have made me feel any better. Getting over a romance is an inside job for everyone, and it takes time.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,650
It sounds like he was drinking, but who knows. The main thing here is, he's treated your horribly. If you think about that, why would you even want him in your life? Messages you (doesn't even call) and tells you all this lovely stuff then doesn't contact you again? What kind of person does that?
There is no excuse for that, not being an alcoholic, not being in "recovery" (I would seriously question that) - none. It hurts I'm sure, A LOT and it would be all too easy to fall back in to that again, just to help with the pain if nothing else.
Why would you settle for him? It won't always hurt like this, there are brighter days ahead, just need to work through. You can do it.
There is no excuse for that, not being an alcoholic, not being in "recovery" (I would seriously question that) - none. It hurts I'm sure, A LOT and it would be all too easy to fall back in to that again, just to help with the pain if nothing else.
Why would you settle for him? It won't always hurt like this, there are brighter days ahead, just need to work through. You can do it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2022
Posts: 22
Thank you so much everyone for all your wonderful kind words, it has truly helped. I need to let go and move on and not accept this behaviour anymore, whether he has relapsed or not, it is not kind behaviour. I’m angry with myself as I stood by him through thick and thin and the damage he has done will take a long time to get over
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by Pocohontas78
Thank you so much everyone for all your wonderful kind words, it has truly helped. I need to let go and move on and not accept this behaviour anymore, whether he has relapsed or not, it is not kind behaviour. I’m angry with myself as I stood by him through thick and thin and the damage he has done will take a long time to get over
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 534
I’m so sorry Pocahontas—-this is heartbreaking 💔 for you.
I agree completely with everyone else’s advice that you need to RUN away from him. Fast!
Go no contact immediately.
Not only does he have the addiction problems but he sounds like a narcissist, in the very least.
The back and forth, love-bombing then ignoring you, the additional girls on his social media all add up to a very bad ending for you and your daughter.
Just be prepared for lots more attention once he realizes you are gone. Ignore him, ignore him, ignore him!
I agree completely with everyone else’s advice that you need to RUN away from him. Fast!
Go no contact immediately.
Not only does he have the addiction problems but he sounds like a narcissist, in the very least.
The back and forth, love-bombing then ignoring you, the additional girls on his social media all add up to a very bad ending for you and your daughter.
Just be prepared for lots more attention once he realizes you are gone. Ignore him, ignore him, ignore him!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2022
Posts: 22
Thank you once again for all your kind words of support. It is really appreciated it. I asked if he wanted to meet one more time as I need that closure in a way but he said he didn’t think it was a good idea and when I asked why not, he just ignored me and I said we are kind of done then I guess. I don’t think I will hear from him now. I wish I could understand what he is thinking and how’s he feeling, I am sure he is much better now, it’s been over two months sober/clean but I know it’s a long journey
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