He’s making me crazy
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Join Date: Sep 2021
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He’s making me crazy
I joined this forum back in August when I had a traumatizing experience with my AH. I have one previous post that explains what happened.
We’ve been separated since then but talked everyday and still saw each other when my daughter was with her dad every other weekend. Apparently this was not the best route to take because he has been pressuring me non-stop to let him move back in the house. He was in an intensive outpatient program (3 different ones actually, and dropped out of all 3 within a couple weeks of trying). Now he does SMART recovery one night a week and personal therapy another night, and that’s it. He seems to think that’s enough. But it’s not. He slipped up a few times, and then I recently found out he picked up coke also. I know in my heart that the best thing for me to do for both of us was to go no-contact, but there have been 2 suicide scares in the past few weeks, and he was hospitalized from one of them. He got out last week but won’t ttake his meds and I know he’s been using.
I’m absolutely terrified to go no-contact but I don’t know what else to do to save my own sanity at this point. I have had SO much anxiety to the point of chest pain, joint pain, panic attacks, I can’t sleep. I seriously feel like if I don’t block him, I will end up in a hospital myself. He blames it all on me, saying he never would’ve used if he was back in the house. I feel like I’m living a never ending nightmare. We’ll be married a year in 2 weeks.
sorry I’m just rambling at this point, it feels good to get it out.
We’ve been separated since then but talked everyday and still saw each other when my daughter was with her dad every other weekend. Apparently this was not the best route to take because he has been pressuring me non-stop to let him move back in the house. He was in an intensive outpatient program (3 different ones actually, and dropped out of all 3 within a couple weeks of trying). Now he does SMART recovery one night a week and personal therapy another night, and that’s it. He seems to think that’s enough. But it’s not. He slipped up a few times, and then I recently found out he picked up coke also. I know in my heart that the best thing for me to do for both of us was to go no-contact, but there have been 2 suicide scares in the past few weeks, and he was hospitalized from one of them. He got out last week but won’t ttake his meds and I know he’s been using.
I’m absolutely terrified to go no-contact but I don’t know what else to do to save my own sanity at this point. I have had SO much anxiety to the point of chest pain, joint pain, panic attacks, I can’t sleep. I seriously feel like if I don’t block him, I will end up in a hospital myself. He blames it all on me, saying he never would’ve used if he was back in the house. I feel like I’m living a never ending nightmare. We’ll be married a year in 2 weeks.
sorry I’m just rambling at this point, it feels good to get it out.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,650
Hi Goldee, glad you came on to post.
You are doing the right thing by staying away and you are also on the right track by thinking about going no contact.
You cannot save him from himself (but I know you already know this). You are in contact with him and he still tried to kill himself. So being in contact or not has no effect. He isn't sober and he won't be until he, personally, decides he wants to be, which may be someday or which may be never. You were living in the same house and he drank himself silly, so if he couldn't quit before when you were there and supportive, no reason to think anything has changed.
I know you probably feel guilty, but as you mentioned before when you posted and you are right, your absolute focus must be on your Daughter's wellbeing - and yours. I'm sure she knows there is something wrong here and he is disrupting both your lives. You both deserve to have a peaceful and safe haven in your home and you cannot have that with him in the picture - even if it's from the outside.
I recommend you try no contact, see how you feel, after a few days or a week I'm going to guess the anxiety will fade and you will start to feel more like your happy self.
You are doing the right thing by staying away and you are also on the right track by thinking about going no contact.
You cannot save him from himself (but I know you already know this). You are in contact with him and he still tried to kill himself. So being in contact or not has no effect. He isn't sober and he won't be until he, personally, decides he wants to be, which may be someday or which may be never. You were living in the same house and he drank himself silly, so if he couldn't quit before when you were there and supportive, no reason to think anything has changed.
I know you probably feel guilty, but as you mentioned before when you posted and you are right, your absolute focus must be on your Daughter's wellbeing - and yours. I'm sure she knows there is something wrong here and he is disrupting both your lives. You both deserve to have a peaceful and safe haven in your home and you cannot have that with him in the picture - even if it's from the outside.
I recommend you try no contact, see how you feel, after a few days or a week I'm going to guess the anxiety will fade and you will start to feel more like your happy self.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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He blames it all on me, saying he never would’ve used if he was back in the house. This is manipulation, plain and simple. Recovery looks, feels and smells like recovery. This however, smells like bullsh*t. He either doesn't take you seriously or he doesn't care about his recovery. Either way it puts you and you daughter in a bad place. Stay focused on you and doing what is in the best interests of you and her. Your husband is responsible for himself. Nothing you do or don't do can affect his recovery. That's on him. Stay strong.
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Join Date: Jul 2021
Location: Salt Lake City, UT
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I also agree no contact might be best now, with the only contact being about him seeing his daughter, unless you feel that's not safe for her. The scariest thing, in my opinion, is that he's started using coke. Make sure you protect your financial interests and that he has no access to your checking or savings accounts, as well as credit cards you might have jointly.
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Join Date: Sep 2021
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Thank you so much for your replies, your words truly mean a lot and it’s good to not feel alone. None of my friends or family really understand any of what I’m going thru.
I’m so afraid that going no-contact will set him off and cause even more chaos, but I also cannot continue like this. I have to get off this roller coaster, for myself and for my daughter. I’ve been reading posts for the past few months and have memorized the 3 C’s. For a while, I thought I could help him but I’m starting to understand that there’s nothing I can do. It’s so so so hard to accept that. It’s a truly awful feeling watching someone you love and your future sink into an abyss and not being able to stop it.
I’m so afraid that going no-contact will set him off and cause even more chaos, but I also cannot continue like this. I have to get off this roller coaster, for myself and for my daughter. I’ve been reading posts for the past few months and have memorized the 3 C’s. For a while, I thought I could help him but I’m starting to understand that there’s nothing I can do. It’s so so so hard to accept that. It’s a truly awful feeling watching someone you love and your future sink into an abyss and not being able to stop it.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,650
Originally Posted by Goldee6 
For a while, I thought I could help him but I’m starting to understand that there’s nothing I can do. It’s so so so hard to accept that. It’s a truly awful feeling watching someone you love and your future sink into an abyss and not being able to stop it.
- An Alcoholic
- Cocaine User
- Possibly suicidal
- Abusive
Say a friend of yours came to you and said - these are my Husband's issues, do you think I can help him? What would you say?
He said he was sick of all this, when he left and that he understood your Daughter couldn't be around it - where is that now? Is your Daughter no longer important? Does she just need to be collateral damage to his issues?
You see it makes no sense, he will say what he needs to say to try to get what HE needs. There is a world of help for him if he wanted it. He can walk in to an AA meeting any day of the week. If he has no money there are charitable groups that will help him. It's not help he wants, he wants someone to take care of him while he drinks.
It is very sad and I hope he finds help, but you are not it, his issues are much too much for non-professionals to handle.
Maybe hang on to the serenity prayer as well:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.
If you aren't religious you can always change that to "higher power" or heck, even your own name.
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Trailmix, thank you for that. Also, the list of his issues really helped me see it. His issues are so immense and I can’t help him with any one of them, never mind all 4 of them.
I ended up blocking him last night. I had a few erratic emails from him all at once but then it got fairly quiet today. Which is nice, but then also makes me wonder… why? Is he ok? But I have to stop with that way of thinking. Before, I was afraid to block him, now I’m afraid I’ll lose my strength and unblock him. It helps to read all of the responses over and over again, because they make so much sense and they keep me focused.
I ended up blocking him last night. I had a few erratic emails from him all at once but then it got fairly quiet today. Which is nice, but then also makes me wonder… why? Is he ok? But I have to stop with that way of thinking. Before, I was afraid to block him, now I’m afraid I’ll lose my strength and unblock him. It helps to read all of the responses over and over again, because they make so much sense and they keep me focused.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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The longer you block him, the better it will feel. It's new for your and so can be uncomfortable. You are used to knowing what he is up to. However knowing all that and participating in all that is making you crazy! So yes, hopping off that particular ride is a good thing.
These are learned reactions. The worry, the wondering. Just remember at the end of the day, he is a grown up and he will do whatever he will do. You have just provided a distraction and focus for him. He'll find something else to focus on now.
These are learned reactions. The worry, the wondering. Just remember at the end of the day, he is a grown up and he will do whatever he will do. You have just provided a distraction and focus for him. He'll find something else to focus on now.
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Join Date: Sep 2021
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He ended up back in the hospital last night, it’s a long story but the police were afraid he was going to hurt himself or someone else. He was beyond a comatose limit for alcohol and also on oxy. I saw him today, I’ve never seen him in such a bad state. But he was open to the idea of inpatient rehab. It’s really his only hope now. I’m not a very religious person but I’ll do anything at this point, please pray for him.
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Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 122
I have been where you are. My ex tried to commit suicide twice; one he told me about the other I didn't know because I blocked him. I am pretty certain my ex tried to do it again this time around possobly twice after I broke it off with him..twice...ergh it's a long convoluted break down but my point stands.
In all of those attempts, I could not change a damn thing. Al Anon goes on and on about your powerlessness over alcohol for your addict and unfortunately nothing proves this more when your addict pulls stuff like this.
You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.
It is so bloody hard though and I feel for you. Is there anyone he can be left to? I basically forwarded messages to my ex parents when he pulled this kind of thing. I am also in the UK where healthcare is free. Can he be sectioned or something there in your country?
In all of those attempts, I could not change a damn thing. Al Anon goes on and on about your powerlessness over alcohol for your addict and unfortunately nothing proves this more when your addict pulls stuff like this.
You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.
It is so bloody hard though and I feel for you. Is there anyone he can be left to? I basically forwarded messages to my ex parents when he pulled this kind of thing. I am also in the UK where healthcare is free. Can he be sectioned or something there in your country?
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Join Date: Sep 2021
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Hi Kokoro, unfortunately he doesn’t have many friends or family left that are willing to help him. He has pushed away so many people with his aggression and anger issues. But he now seems pretty intent on going to inpatient rehab when he gets released from the hospital, which should be within the next few days. Hopefully he actually follows thru. But I’ve made the decision to go thru w the divorce and filed today. I just can’t live with this chaos in my life anymore, and my daughter has been thru enough. My head tells me that I have zero control over whether or not he decides to end his life, but my heart is having a hard time catching up. I really worry about him, but I know I can’t save him. He has to want to save himself. Anyway, I read your post about Freedom and it gives me so much hope. Thank you so much for sharing that.
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