Goldee6

I joined this forum back in August when I had a traumatizing experience with my AH. I have one previous post that explains what happened.
We’ve been separated since then but talked everyday and still saw each other when my daughter was with her dad every other weekend. Apparently this was not the best route to take because he has been pressuring me non-stop to let him move back in the house. He was in an intensive outpatient program (3 different ones actually, and dropped out of all 3 within a couple weeks of trying). Now he does SMART recovery one night a week and personal therapy another night, and that’s it. He seems to think that’s enough. But it’s not. He slipped up a few times, and then I recently found out he picked up coke also. I know in my heart that the best thing for me to do for both of us was to go no-contact, but there have been 2 suicide scares in the past few weeks, and he was hospitalized from one of them. He got out last week but won’t ttake his meds and I know he’s been using.
I’m absolutely terrified to go no-contact but I don’t know what else to do to save my own sanity at this point. I have had SO much anxiety to the point of chest pain, joint pain, panic attacks, I can’t sleep. I seriously feel like if I don’t block him, I will end up in a hospital myself. He blames it all on me, saying he never would’ve used if he was back in the house. I feel like I’m living a never ending nightmare. We’ll be married a year in 2 weeks.
sorry I’m just rambling at this point, it feels good to get it out.