Got baited... proud of myself
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Got baited... proud of myself
So my exAH and I still have to have some level ( very minimal ) of communication until our divorce is final. I tried to go all the way NC and I do most of the time but there are still a few loose ends until I get the judgement by the court and I am officially untied to him. Which we are just waiting on the court for ... anyhow... I he started in 3 days ago with how he still loved me and missed me and I am wonderful. He even went as far as to text me this "(His ex wifes name) doesn’t go down as the biggest heartbreak in the life of mw.... You do. I figure you might take comfort in knowing that."... then 2 days ago he sent me a video of us that he said his phone had made of pictures of us to music... then he sent another video his phone had made of our vacations... So I replied.. and said it is sad that we didn't make it... to which he replied We tried so many times girly. And it felt like you as soon as I would start to get happy and ok again you would go back into meltdown mode and saying I was doing something wrong, which would push me away again...".....
This would have made me spin and spin and spin in the past... but not today... I simply answered and said "Cool"
Before I would have wanted to rexplain what his drinking a bottle of vodka daily did to me and our family. I would have said how dare you say that...you put our family at risk daily when you would drive drunk... you told me you were in love with other women including but not limited to his ex wife (which is why I was always so weird about her to begin with)... I would have need and wanted to justify everything. I would have wanted to defend myself and my position. I would have told him how sad and hurt I was... But not today. No today to word cool covered it. It is because I have grown past getting baited into these drama circles that alcoholism creates. The back and forth. Today I took a few deep breaths... let the anxiety pass me and simply wrote "cool". I am proud of myself today for not having the desire in me to need to change his perspective. For letting it go and knowing it is ok for him to see things that way... I don't need to explain myself. For seeing clearly the build up pattern he did for 48 hours to attempt to discard me 1 day later... THIS behavior is what caused so much damage to my self esteem... THIS was the gas lighting I was talking about. This time it was so clear to see...Cause THIS time I wasn't even there, I didn't even talk to him on the phone... THIS time I could see what he was doing and I didn't have to question or blame myself for his highs and lows in regards to his behavior and feelings towards me...
This would have made me spin and spin and spin in the past... but not today... I simply answered and said "Cool"
Before I would have wanted to rexplain what his drinking a bottle of vodka daily did to me and our family. I would have said how dare you say that...you put our family at risk daily when you would drive drunk... you told me you were in love with other women including but not limited to his ex wife (which is why I was always so weird about her to begin with)... I would have need and wanted to justify everything. I would have wanted to defend myself and my position. I would have told him how sad and hurt I was... But not today. No today to word cool covered it. It is because I have grown past getting baited into these drama circles that alcoholism creates. The back and forth. Today I took a few deep breaths... let the anxiety pass me and simply wrote "cool". I am proud of myself today for not having the desire in me to need to change his perspective. For letting it go and knowing it is ok for him to see things that way... I don't need to explain myself. For seeing clearly the build up pattern he did for 48 hours to attempt to discard me 1 day later... THIS behavior is what caused so much damage to my self esteem... THIS was the gas lighting I was talking about. This time it was so clear to see...Cause THIS time I wasn't even there, I didn't even talk to him on the phone... THIS time I could see what he was doing and I didn't have to question or blame myself for his highs and lows in regards to his behavior and feelings towards me...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2021
Posts: 89
That’s so awesome!! I’m still struggling but when I see post like this, it reminds me of what I don’t want . Because they all act similarly, that push/pull did a number on my self esteem too. The phrases he used to keep me hooked were because I confronted him about something “I’m a piece of shit” “You deserve better” I’d always be like “ I’m sorry you deserve all the love “ and then of course sex was next . To be free of the cycle is nice!! It’s been almost 3 weeks for me. I haven’t went completely no contact. But I have contacted less and less . I’m getting there . And I can’t wait to feel like you do !
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by Payne9 
That’s so awesome!! I’m still struggling but when I see post like this, it reminds me of what I don’t want . Because they all act similarly, that push/pull did a number on my self esteem too. The phrases he used to keep me hooked were because I confronted him about something “I’m a piece of shit” “You deserve better” I’d always be like “ I’m sorry you deserve all the love “ and then of course sex was next . To be free of the cycle is nice!! It’s been almost 3 weeks for me. I haven’t went completely no contact. But I have contacted less and less . I’m getting there . And I can’t wait to feel like you do !
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by trailmix
This is huge! But you already know that : )
It does take time to get past the hurt and to see this all with so much clarity. I'm really happy for you!
It does take time to get past the hurt and to see this all with so much clarity. I'm really happy for you!
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by dandylion
Great----absolutely Great!!
It is so amazing to have this group and to go through the "door" as I call it and the have the relief and the weight off my shoulders to see things for what they are... The graditude I have for this group is really beyond measure... I honestly don't know where I would be without you guys.... Possibly roped back in and driving to Tennessee to prove myself to this *******.... instead I am 7 months without seeing him, I have more self esteem then I may ever have had in my life... along with clarity, true friendships. Though I had cried harder than I ever have these last 7 months I have also had more peaceful moments in the last 7 months than I had ever had... This is the way back to myself and I can't beleive I was lost for so long .... forever grateful to everyone
Member
Join Date: Dec 2021
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by LovelyKaya33333
Oh girl me too.... any time I attempted to tell him what my needs were or confront him about lying or broken promises he would litterly say " I guess it is Bad Dan, Good Kaya ".... and I would spend the next 10 minutes telling him how much I think he deserves love and his soul is so wonderful blah blah barf... then followed by make up sex and he would make himself another cocktail or 10 and watch TV with me .... leaving me in a zone thinking what the **** just happened... how did it go down that way... 7 years of this and I was left feeling so unheard and spinning
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Great recovery that you have worked very hard to achieve.
I am finding as I come out the other end of the trauma bond, it gives a whole different perspective of all the push/pull/discard/hoover rubbish.
It is all so lame and pathetic yet when I was in that chemical bond, it felt so powerful and utterly controlled me. It all seemed so vital and important, whereas reality is it was silly mind games.
Now, without that trauma bond it seems strange to me that I would have wasted all my time on something so tedious.
The healing process is incredible.
I am finding as I come out the other end of the trauma bond, it gives a whole different perspective of all the push/pull/discard/hoover rubbish.
It is all so lame and pathetic yet when I was in that chemical bond, it felt so powerful and utterly controlled me. It all seemed so vital and important, whereas reality is it was silly mind games.
Now, without that trauma bond it seems strange to me that I would have wasted all my time on something so tedious.
The healing process is incredible.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2021
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by PeacefulWater12
Great recovery that you have worked very hard to achieve.
I am finding as I come out the other end of the trauma bond, it gives a whole different perspective of all the push/pull/discard/hoover rubbish.
It is all so lame and pathetic yet when I was in that chemical bond, it felt so powerful and utterly controlled me. It all seemed so vital and important, whereas reality is it was silly mind games.
Now, without that trauma bond it seems strange to me that I would have wasted all my time on something so tedious.
The healing process is incredible.
I am finding as I come out the other end of the trauma bond, it gives a whole different perspective of all the push/pull/discard/hoover rubbish.
It is all so lame and pathetic yet when I was in that chemical bond, it felt so powerful and utterly controlled me. It all seemed so vital and important, whereas reality is it was silly mind games.
Now, without that trauma bond it seems strange to me that I would have wasted all my time on something so tedious.
The healing process is incredible.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Hi lk,
You should be very proud of yourself. You have learned what you need to know to realize what he was doing to you. You have worked on you to make yourself stronger. Yes at the begining there was a lot of crying and wondering what you could of done to change him. But you have come to realize only he can fix himself.
Yes he tried to bait you. Cause he thinks you haven't changed. Lord knows he most likely hasn't changed in the 7 months he has been gone. He is the relying on his old habits that use to work on you. By just saying "Cool" and not feeding him you have come out ahead.
Keep being strong and keep doing things that make you happy.
You should be very proud of yourself. You have learned what you need to know to realize what he was doing to you. You have worked on you to make yourself stronger. Yes at the begining there was a lot of crying and wondering what you could of done to change him. But you have come to realize only he can fix himself.
Yes he tried to bait you. Cause he thinks you haven't changed. Lord knows he most likely hasn't changed in the 7 months he has been gone. He is the relying on his old habits that use to work on you. By just saying "Cool" and not feeding him you have come out ahead.
Keep being strong and keep doing things that make you happy.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 25
M
Oh wow! That’s awesome that you didn’t feed into his non sense. This is such a struggle for me. I’m still with my AH and I still feel the need to defend myself. It’s like I don’t want to be seen as the bad guy. I hope that I can get to where you are one day.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by Strengthneeded
Oh wow! That’s awesome that you didn’t feed into his non sense. This is such a struggle for me. I’m still with my AH and I still feel the need to defend myself. It’s like I don’t want to be seen as the bad guy. I hope that I can get to where you are one day.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 25
Originally Posted by LovelyKaya33333
It took a lot of tears and work ...I don't think I could have done it while attempting to make things work. I couldn't do the stone wall thing... I thought I would never get through night one without him... or week one. To think I haven't seen him since June is so insane ans liberating. The night he left I thought I might die... I still miss being married...but I also am so much happier in ways I didn't even see before...
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by Strengthneeded
Honestly, some days I don’t even know what I’m fighting for.. I think having the decision to stay or leave is too much for my brain to understand. I know I have shut down over the past few years but I still don’t have the strength to decide that I deserve better. We have been together for 14 years (married 10 in March). For many years I hoped and prayed that he would change but that has changed and now I know he won’t.. so why can’t I leave. It goes back to being the “bad guy”.
1. You drank a bottle of vodka most days
2. You told me on several occasions our entire relationship you were in love with Wendy ( this was all the way up until the very last year we were together) and then you wondered why I felt weird about you talking to her.3. You never had plans for the kids when they came out. You just kinda expected me to go into the role of parenting with them without any conversation from you
4. You drank and drove all the time. Once resulting in a hit and run that totaled your truck
5. You stole alcohol on several occasions. Ex) A bride and grooms house I was doing a weddding for house and from the house we were looking at buying in TN with our realtor there
6. You did and said things while drunk that a marriage could withstand maybe a handful of hits on but you did them at least a handful of times per month. you even stopped caring or apologizing for them.
7. You would build me up to just discard me. like you just did. to get some level of satisfaction from it?
8. After we broke up and got back together and I came clean about being intimate with Josh while we were broken up you literally told me all you did was go on a few first dates with girls... you lied to me about the girl in Texas you had a full blown relationship with... but that wasn't enough you got drunk and decided to tell me allll about it... and not in a kind way either. You went into detail about it. I was begging you to stop and you just kept going. I was crying so much I started throwing up and you even followed me into the bathroom and kept saying it as I was puking... then you said nevermind the next day that you loved me...
Writing lists helps everything come to the surface
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 25
Originally Posted by LovelyKaya33333
A list helped me. I wrote down a clear list of everything is drinking did to our family. I wrote the moments. When I wrote them It was more of a bullet point list... I wanted to keep emotion out of it ... I did this because at the time I didn't trust my emotions anymore. I had been told I was too needy and too much by him. At the time I believed him... 7 months without him and the clarity is amazing. I know now that wad never the reality.... I was reacting in normal ways to crazy making behavior by him... Infact I think I was actually under reacting so I didn't rock the boat but I know now the boat was going to sway no matter what because his emotions changed with the wind depending on his drinking that day...anyhow I wrote the list at the time from a brass tax point of view and that helped...This was part of my list... I realized that this just scratched the surface and didn't even include the daily **** show of his drinking
1. You drank a bottle of vodka most days
2. You told me on several occasions our entire relationship you were in love with Wendy ( this was all the way up until the very last year we were together) and then you wondered why I felt weird about you talking to her.3. You never had plans for the kids when they came out. You just kinda expected me to go into the role of parenting with them without any conversation from you
4. You drank and drove all the time. Once resulting in a hit and run that totaled your truck
5. You stole alcohol on several occasions. Ex) A bride and grooms house I was doing a weddding for house and from the house we were looking at buying in TN with our realtor there
6. You did and said things while drunk that a marriage could withstand maybe a handful of hits on but you did them at least a handful of times per month. you even stopped caring or apologizing for them.
7. You would build me up to just discard me. like you just did. to get some level of satisfaction from it?
8. After we broke up and got back together and I came clean about being intimate with Josh while we were broken up you literally told me all you did was go on a few first dates with girls... you lied to me about the girl in Texas you had a full blown relationship with... but that wasn't enough you got drunk and decided to tell me allll about it... and not in a kind way either. You went into detail about it. I was begging you to stop and you just kept going. I was crying so much I started throwing up and you even followed me into the bathroom and kept saying it as I was puking... then you said nevermind the next day that you loved me...
Writing lists helps everything come to the surface
1. You drank a bottle of vodka most days
2. You told me on several occasions our entire relationship you were in love with Wendy ( this was all the way up until the very last year we were together) and then you wondered why I felt weird about you talking to her.3. You never had plans for the kids when they came out. You just kinda expected me to go into the role of parenting with them without any conversation from you
4. You drank and drove all the time. Once resulting in a hit and run that totaled your truck
5. You stole alcohol on several occasions. Ex) A bride and grooms house I was doing a weddding for house and from the house we were looking at buying in TN with our realtor there
6. You did and said things while drunk that a marriage could withstand maybe a handful of hits on but you did them at least a handful of times per month. you even stopped caring or apologizing for them.
7. You would build me up to just discard me. like you just did. to get some level of satisfaction from it?
8. After we broke up and got back together and I came clean about being intimate with Josh while we were broken up you literally told me all you did was go on a few first dates with girls... you lied to me about the girl in Texas you had a full blown relationship with... but that wasn't enough you got drunk and decided to tell me allll about it... and not in a kind way either. You went into detail about it. I was begging you to stop and you just kept going. I was crying so much I started throwing up and you even followed me into the bathroom and kept saying it as I was puking... then you said nevermind the next day that you loved me...
Writing lists helps everything come to the surface
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Originally Posted by Payne9
Do you have any suggestions on what I should read about trauma bond? Thanks
For me, this has been absolutely KEY to my recovery and healing. Once I understood the chemical addiction of being in a trauma bond, everything made sense and I was able to work thorough it and gradually heal.
TRAUMA BONDING Explained - YouTube
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2021
Location: MN
Posts: 63
Wow, Kaya you did it good job, its almost first time post I see came from you not missing him and you are totally seem get over hom .... B/c before your posts always showed how you suffered b/c of his absence.
I had no contact with fulltime since May 30, but mine is totally different than yours, but every time I read your post I always feel I read my own post and complains. Same men and same women, same complains....... yikes.
Good job Kaya, you are finally over him. You are still so young and bright future is ahead of you.
I had no contact with fulltime since May 30, but mine is totally different than yours, but every time I read your post I always feel I read my own post and complains. Same men and same women, same complains....... yikes.
Good job Kaya, you are finally over him. You are still so young and bright future is ahead of you.
Originally Posted by LovelyKaya33333
A list helped me. I wrote down a clear list of everything is drinking did to our family. I wrote the moments. When I wrote them It was more of a bullet point list... I wanted to keep emotion out of it ... I did this because at the time I didn't trust my emotions anymore. I had been told I was too needy and too much by him. At the time I believed him... 7 months without him and the clarity is amazing. I know now that wad never the reality.... I was reacting in normal ways to crazy making behavior by him... Infact I think I was actually under reacting so I didn't rock the boat but I know now the boat was going to sway no matter what because his emotions changed with the wind depending on his drinking that day...anyhow I wrote the list at the time from a brass tax point of view and that helped...This was part of my list... I realized that this just scratched the surface and didn't even include the daily **** show of his drinking
1. You drank a bottle of vodka most days
2. You told me on several occasions our entire relationship you were in love with Wendy ( this was all the way up until the very last year we were together) and then you wondered why I felt weird about you talking to her.3. You never had plans for the kids when they came out. You just kinda expected me to go into the role of parenting with them without any conversation from you
4. You drank and drove all the time. Once resulting in a hit and run that totaled your truck
5. You stole alcohol on several occasions. Ex) A bride and grooms house I was doing a weddding for house and from the house we were looking at buying in TN with our realtor there
6. You did and said things while drunk that a marriage could withstand maybe a handful of hits on but you did them at least a handful of times per month. you even stopped caring or apologizing for them.
7. You would build me up to just discard me. like you just did. to get some level of satisfaction from it?
8. After we broke up and got back together and I came clean about being intimate with Josh while we were broken up you literally told me all you did was go on a few first dates with girls... you lied to me about the girl in Texas you had a full blown relationship with... but that wasn't enough you got drunk and decided to tell me allll about it... and not in a kind way either. You went into detail about it. I was begging you to stop and you just kept going. I was crying so much I started throwing up and you even followed me into the bathroom and kept saying it as I was puking... then you said nevermind the next day that you loved me...
Writing lists helps everything come to the surface
1. You drank a bottle of vodka most days
2. You told me on several occasions our entire relationship you were in love with Wendy ( this was all the way up until the very last year we were together) and then you wondered why I felt weird about you talking to her.3. You never had plans for the kids when they came out. You just kinda expected me to go into the role of parenting with them without any conversation from you
4. You drank and drove all the time. Once resulting in a hit and run that totaled your truck
5. You stole alcohol on several occasions. Ex) A bride and grooms house I was doing a weddding for house and from the house we were looking at buying in TN with our realtor there
6. You did and said things while drunk that a marriage could withstand maybe a handful of hits on but you did them at least a handful of times per month. you even stopped caring or apologizing for them.
7. You would build me up to just discard me. like you just did. to get some level of satisfaction from it?
8. After we broke up and got back together and I came clean about being intimate with Josh while we were broken up you literally told me all you did was go on a few first dates with girls... you lied to me about the girl in Texas you had a full blown relationship with... but that wasn't enough you got drunk and decided to tell me allll about it... and not in a kind way either. You went into detail about it. I was begging you to stop and you just kept going. I was crying so much I started throwing up and you even followed me into the bathroom and kept saying it as I was puking... then you said nevermind the next day that you loved me...
Writing lists helps everything come to the surface
Member
Join Date: Dec 2021
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by Strengthneeded
Thank you so much for the advice. I definitely need to make a list. I remember one time he told me that at least I don’t cheat and I’m not abusive. Like wow, I must have won the lottery. He knows that physical abuse is a big deal breaker because of my past (mom abused by her boyfriend). So apparently if he doesn’t do those things then I should be happy. It’s just sad that I’ve gone along with that this long. He used to tell me stuff that “a friend” would say about me but now I know that it was really him just saying negative things and blaming someone else. Like oh Bob said you look like you have gained weight or Sally said I was too good for you. I was young and dumb so I just got mad at Bob and Sally. I’m working on building my self esteem back up. I hate that I’m always googling about alcoholism. Stuff life does alcoholism make my husband an a-hole or is that just him.. I need to let go of what I think he has potential to be because that ship has long sailed. I think the thing that gets me is that I know deep down he isn’t a bad person, just has some childhood trauma that he never dealt with but hell we all have some stuff from the past. Sorry for ranting on your post. I guess I’m just going to have to work to get where you are in your recovery from being with an A.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
