Got baited... proud of myself
So my exAH and I still have to have some level ( very minimal ) of communication until our divorce is final. I tried to go all the way NC and I do most of the time but there are still a few loose ends until I get the judgement by the court and I am officially untied to him. Which we are just waiting on the court for ... anyhow... I he started in 3 days ago with how he still loved me and missed me and I am wonderful. He even went as far as to text me this "(His ex wifes name) doesn’t go down as the biggest heartbreak in the life of mw.... You do. I figure you might take comfort in knowing that."... then 2 days ago he sent me a video of us that he said his phone had made of pictures of us to music... then he sent another video his phone had made of our vacations... So I replied.. and said it is sad that we didn't make it... to which he replied We tried so many times girly. And it felt like you as soon as I would start to get happy and ok again you would go back into meltdown mode and saying I was doing something wrong, which would push me away again...".....
This would have made me spin and spin and spin in the past... but not today... I simply answered and said "Cool"
Before I would have wanted to rexplain what his drinking a bottle of vodka daily did to me and our family. I would have said how dare you say that...you put our family at risk daily when you would drive drunk... you told me you were in love with other women including but not limited to his ex wife (which is why I was always so weird about her to begin with)... I would have need and wanted to justify everything. I would have wanted to defend myself and my position. I would have told him how sad and hurt I was... But not today. No today to word cool covered it. It is because I have grown past getting baited into these drama circles that alcoholism creates. The back and forth. Today I took a few deep breaths... let the anxiety pass me and simply wrote "cool". I am proud of myself today for not having the desire in me to need to change his perspective. For letting it go and knowing it is ok for him to see things that way... I don't need to explain myself. For seeing clearly the build up pattern he did for 48 hours to attempt to discard me 1 day later... THIS behavior is what caused so much damage to my self esteem... THIS was the gas lighting I was talking about. This time it was so clear to see...Cause THIS time I wasn't even there, I didn't even talk to him on the phone... THIS time I could see what he was doing and I didn't have to question or blame myself for his highs and lows in regards to his behavior and feelings towards me...