Payne9

So I went to a meeting because I blocked my ex bf because I couldn’t stop the compulsion of texting him. I had blocked him and then I unblocked , we discussed meeting for dinner but he cancelled . I wasn’t hurt that he cancelled but I definitely would of went . I’ll go a few days of no contact and then I’ll text. I know he’s actively drinking , so I don’t know why I’m expecting anything different . The meeting was eye opening for me. Made me realize things about myself that I never thought of . Him and I discussed meeting up tomorrow to exchange Christmas presents. At this point I’m just hurting myself for no reason. A break up should be a break up . This isn’t healthy for me . He gives me breadcrumbs and I go. It’s hard because we aren’t mad at each other . He knows he has a drinking problem, I know I’m controlling and I’m lost .

thanks for listening

Bekindalways

Well done you. Yep, getting away from them is so so tough.

I didn't do the Alanon route but I used a lot of the concepts that Alcoholics use in recovery. Sober alcoholics say just put a sober head on your pillow every night. I would just try to get through each day without contacting him nor shooting myself (I was in pretty bad shape). Any day I did that was a successful day.

We really wind up as addicted as they are.

Payne9

Yes! I can’t believe how hard it is just not contacting . And when he finally responds I feel like I can breathe again . A viscous cycle . Thanks for sharing, I feel so alone . Because I’m embarrassed of my actions

Bekindalways

I'm glad you found Soberrecovery and an Alanon group that seem decent. How entangled we become with our qualifiers is really tough for an outsider to understand.

You may know that Alcoholics getting sober won't drive down the street where the Liquor store is. We are a bit like this . . . .irk . . . .or exactly like this. I actually left the Northern Hemisphere for 6 months to get away from my Qualifier (you may know already but "qualifier " means the addict with whom you were or are involved. You may know this already).

Just do the best you can to put some No-contact time together. If you contact him, get righty back on the wagon and start again.

PeacefulWater12

Good work on having such clarity on the situation.

I found Al-anon an enormous help. Eye opening as you say. Why I did the things I did.

The Trauma Bond we have with our qualifiers is so very strong. Takes a long time to break so we do go back for breadcrumbs.

trailmix

I'm glad you found a good Al Anon group. I hope you can shake that shame. You are really putting in effort to change this for yourself, I hope you will begin to really pat yourself on the back for that.

Why? Because being embarrassed doesn't help you and can make you feel hopeless and you certainly aren't hopeless.

I'm sure you've probably read about intermittent reinforcement and that's a tough nut to crack, but certainly not impossible and the further you get away from it (him) through no-contact, the easier it will get. It will take time though and the time between now and then will be uncomfortable for sure. He's also in a bit of an intermittent reinforcement loop too by being blocked then unblocked.

trailmix

You know this part here, this is a key really. You are moving forward in the right direction even if it doesn't seem like it some days. When you think about how this person has the power to hurt you (over and over even and he will, even though that might not be his actual intent, you can't trust him with that), the compulsion to contact him becomes much less.

Payne9

It’s so hard to break even tho I know its in my best interest .

dandylion

Payne....how about giving some time thinking about how you would like for your life to look like--to be---a year from now. In detail. Even "day dream" about it. If you can dream about it and visualize it---you can bring it into fruition.