Camabelle2

Hello my name is Rachael and 33 years old I’ve been with my husband for 11 years we have a 19 year old son Landon Who is not mine biologically but I entered his life when he was eight his mother left him at four years old I’ve never met her a four-year-old daughter, Annabelle and a three-year-old son Cameron 15 months apart I do not drink or do drugs And have been supportive of my husband’s attempt to quit drinking for the duration of our 11 year relationship he just stuck with beer recently but has always had an issue with alcohol mood swings depression anger but since we’ve had our two children it’s gotten out of control in the last year he’s begun to drink whiskey shooters closet drinking beer (still drinking and driving ) I guess to hide it for me (I’ve even told him this but I don’t care just drink a six pack but even that’s not enough)hiding them everywhere he’s also gotten a DWI which he currently is on probation for he has a major anger problems the cops have been out to our house numerous times but I can never follow through with getting him put in jail I did file an order of protection last summer but I didn’t go through with it because I thought that would be enough to get him to change I do get emotional before my time of the month

I’m tired just so exhausted with not having a partner he’s never nice ever just can’t say a nice thing to me and doing everything alone he’s a wonderful father I mean he loves him so much and I guess it’s hard to admit but he isn’t so wonderful but lately his temper has been getting the best of him and if I find him snapping at the kids more and more his anger is out of control I’m wondering if I should get another order of protection this time but the only thing that’s stops me my kids they cry and they ask for daddy all the time especially my son and I can’t keep putting them through this cycle with him coming and going to grandmas he regains their trust and mine and he gets better for a little bit only to break our hearts again And each time I can see them more and more effective and I cannot live with the guilt I feel paralyzed studies show that kids do so much better in a two parent home and I don’t have anything to go back on I didn’t get to finish my degree I don’t want to put them in daycare I just don’t know what to do I just don’t know if I can put my kids through the trauma maybe if I just shut my mouth and ignore it but now it’s the point where I can’t ignore it because he snaps and is constantly mean and nasty calls me horrible names in front of them my son tells me to go upstairs when daddy is home and he’s 3 I’m a horrible mother I just wish I could get him to see his ways He calls the order of protection fake And I was like I’m just the problem I didn’t follow through with it last summer

I just don’t know what to do anymoreAnd I was like I’m just the problem I didn’t follow through with it last summer I just don’t know what to do I feel paralyzed in fear I have no support system my mother is extremely toxic as well he also quit his job which he said was for us he was And asphalt supervisor laid asphalt I’ve done that for 20 years since he was about 17 when he had a son so I know it comes with the territory for that to be a drinking and toxic and firemen he put his job it was on for a month only to go to a different asphalt company where it’s even worse some people in my family say that nothings good enough and I don’t appreciate the fact that he did quitAnd asphalt supervisor laid asphalt I’ve done that for 20 years since he was about 17 when he had a son so I know it comes with the territory for that to be a drinking and toxic and firemen he put his job it was on for a month only to go to a different asphalt company where it’s even worse some people in my family say that nothings good enough and I don’t appreciate the fact that he did quit

trailmix

Hi Camabelle, so sorry for what brings you here.

I don't think this is true and it's absolutely 100 percent not true when one partner has a big problem that is affecting everyone. In your house, that is an alcoholism.

Only you can protect them. Damage done from having an abusive alcoholic Father is far worse than them missing him. It's normal for them to miss him, they are kids, however your Husband needs to get help (or not, if he decides not to) but no reason for all of you to be abused.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.

I hope you will get the strength to ask him to leave, as soon as possible. I hope you won't revisit having him return until he is sober - if he ever decides to do that. A solid year of sobriety and getting help - AA, therapy etc and maybe you might think about him rejoining you. Or not, if you don't feel you want to, that's up to you of course.

Camabelle2

Thank you for your response and 15 through all of my rambling I don’t know if I double posted or what happened but I know that you’re right I don’t have the strength to do it by myself without any family to help me or friends really I have enjoyed being a stay at home mom with my Babies and obviously this isn’t a reason to stay in this toxic environment but I don’t want to put my son in daycare only to work just to pay for the daycare I wish there a way that I would be able to keep the house and have him continue to pay for the bills if he can live at his moms This is what he did when I got the first order of protection we didn’t see each other or speak for three solid months however he did see the children I don’t know if you know anything about law and I will be seeking a lawyer but is there a way to judge would allow for the kids and I to remain in the house without me having to work until they reach elementary age thank you so much for taking the time to comment

advbike

So sorry you are going through this Camabelle. It sounds like his alcoholism is progressing. it is a progressive disease, and moves faster when they start drinking in the morning to feel better (because the hangover is so bad). As others have mentioned here and in Newcomers, it never gets better until the addict decides to get help, like in AA. It is almost impossible for the partner to get the addict into recovery because they have to see the damage they are causing and want help. And recovery is not just getting sober. It is a process of learning to live without needing alcohol to cope with the normal ups and downs of life, as well as making amends to those who were harmed by our behavior.

It would be much better for your kids to be with one healthy, sober parent than to see the alcoholic behaviors and abuse. Each state has different laws regarding support and custody arrangements so we can't really answer that, but it is important for you to research your local options for shelter and support from Domestic Violence. Often the abusive behavior escalates from yelling to physical abuse and if that happens you need to get out immediately with your kids.

sage1969

So it sounds like you do need to consult an attorney. You should receive child support and possibly alimony, and depending on your combined assets and debt, and if you own the house, it seems reasonable for you to be able to stay there especially if you are the primary caregiver and custodial parent for your children. But you do need to consult an attorney.

As to whether you can do it, yes, you are strong enough to do this. (I stayed longer than I should have, and in hind sight, though I had doubts about parenting on my own and being able to pay the bills, I absolutely was able to take care of things on my own without a support system). If there is violence you need to keep you and your children safe. Ask your attorney for references to a domestic violence program, or Google the closest one to you. They can give you some support as you decide what to do.

Just as an alcoholic parent in the home is a poor environment in which to raise children, violence in the home is never ok and you need to take steps to be safe.

Here are a couple of threads with some information about domestic violence:

About Abuse
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html (About Abuse)

How to leave
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...how-leave.html (How to leave)

trailmix

Yes a lawyer, even calling one that offers a free consultation would be a good idea. You may want to contact your local Domestic Violence office, they should be able to refer you to a lawyer that is familiar with this kind of situation. If a visitation agreement is made, you will want to ensure he is sober when there is visitation, that will require monitoring.

I totally understand wanting to be a stay at home Mom, that's another thing you can ask the DV about, benefits and supports you might have access to that you aren't aware of. As for staying in the house, if you and he can afford it, who knows, maybe he will agree to that.

All that said, the most important part is to keep your children safe? I can tell you are a very loving Mom, but they are in an abusive situation and only you can fix that. Think about how upsetting all this to you then multiply that for the kids. They don't understand what's going on, they don't have the maturity to deal with it emotionally yet, it's very scary for children. They may miss him but that's because they are used to this environment, it's all they know. After many months of you being happier and the house being more peaceful, that may well change.

In fact you would be doing your Husband a favour too - the kids won't have to see their Dad drunk, mean and out of control. You mention he is a good Father, but it sure doesn't sound like it really?

dandylion

Camabel.....make no mistake, the children are already being damaged, fro m what you share. I am sure, that as a mother, this is the last thing you want for your children.
Yes.....of course children do benefit from a two parent HEALTHY ---healthy---home ----one that is warm and peaceful and predictable...one where the parents do not fight in front of the kkids and terrify them. When this is not the situation, the children are better off with a home that has one stable, and loving parent.

If you are really serious about wanting tangible, solid help, I have a couple of suggestions for you---siggestions that have helped other women in your situation.

1. Contact your locan domestic violence organization. Don't let the title put you off. You certainly do qualify. You are in an abusive situation. You don't have to be hit to be abused. Verbal and emotional abuse counts! The DV workers are kind and compassionatre. They will not judge or require you to do a nything that you don\t want to. They exist only to help. They will understand everything that you are talking about. *****Just to be sure to keep this completely secret from your husband. Do not tell any of your family. What I am saying, is. to take great care to "cover your tracks".
These organizations have the ability to offer you many resources at their disposal. They ca n also refer you to a lawyer that is fa miliar with your kind of situation. They also have counselors that will work wiith you and also, can send you to good therapists who are experienced with your kind of situation. They can offer you a safe place place for you and the children should you need it. They have many other kinds of resources that you miight need.
Please don't feel too ashamed or timid to call them.

2. I am giving you the following website that I think can be informative, for you. It is arranged by state. It can be very educational for helping you to organize your toughts and know what to ask any lawyer that you meet with.

www.womansdivorce.com

Camabelle2

Thank you everyone I appreciate it I agree with everything you’re saying it’s so nice to actually have someone to let all this out to and hear that yes it’s real and I’m not crazy. I love my babies so much and I pray any damage done can be reversed if I just get him out now ! I just wonder if maybe I should start with an order of protection? Do you all think that would be wise then find an attorney? Maybe get the babies and myself into therapy ? Any advice on how to talk to a 3 and 4 year old about this ? It’s like a dirty little secret I’ve been carrying around should I tell my daughters preschool ? Neighbors anyone ?

sage1969

So this all really depends on how unsafe the situation feels. If he has threatened you, physically harmed you or a child, and / or damaged property, it is easier to get a temporary order now. You have to be able to prove you are in imminent danger. This is why working with a domestic violence advocate can be helpful. You also need to listen to your gut feelings. (A temporary order is issued based on what you document for the court but it is usually only good for 30 days until a hearing can be set so he has an opportunity to tell his side. A DV advocate can help you be prepared for this).

When I needed to leave, I knew it. He was a combination of emotionally, verbally, physically, and sexually abusive (that does not mean that your qualifier needs to be this bad, it depends on if you feel you are no longer safe at home). These are things I did:
· packed a "go bag" with things I needed, like ID, bank and financial info, toiletries, clothing, things I used on a daily basis on which I didn't want to use my cash reserves, and I hid this and other things I needed in my office at work
· I did not tell anyone what I was doing so it would not get back to him, and I did not change my behavior or habits
· I waited til he was not at home; I dropped my children at school and then went to file for the restraining order. When I picked up my children I explained to the school that he was no longer allowed there or to pick up my children and gave the school a copy
· I'd arranged for us to stay with a relative who he did not know about until the order could be served; once my children were settled with my relative I went back to my house with a police escort to pick up extra clothing, school supplies, pets
· I consulted an attorney and started paperwork for a divorce and custody of my children

Sometimes the court that issues the protective orders will have DV advocates there at the courthouse, and they can give you a list of resources like shelters and therapists.

Once he was out, I changed my locks, and actually had to hire a contractor to repair windows and doors that he'd damaged trying to get into the house prior to getting served with the order.

Once you've got the order and you have a secure place to stay, then yes, your family, neighbors and friends that are your support network should be told. As far as your little ones, maybe work with an advocate or therapist as to how best to talk about this. Children should be given honesty but little ones don't need grown up details.

sage1969

And I just realised that you'd said the police had been to your home in the past. That is enough of a paper trail that if you are feeling unsafe now, you can provide the dates the police were called to your house previously as part of your documentation. If the court had issued an order previously, they must have thought you had grounds at that point. They may ask why did you not use the order last time; this is a common pattern for DV survivors, we go back, we give them another chance, and then another.

dandylion

Camabelle.....I will underline what sage has just shared with you. I will say this---I think you should consider contacting the local domestic violence organization (you can do a google search). The reason that I say this (lol...repeat this again) is that they have experience with those in your situation. They know how to keep you safe---they know the experienced lawyers and experienced therapists for your situation. They know about how to get a dv advocate to hold your hand as you navigate the legal hoops. There are other very practical solutions that can be very helpful----including help provide a safe place for you to take shelter if you should need it as protection.
All of this is completely held in confidence. These dv organizations are NOT a government agency. Your husband or anyone else never need to know that you have contacted them or availed you of their services.
I can't help but notice that you mention order of protection, and therapist, and attorney that you would consider----but, you did not mention a williness to avail ourself of the services of the local domestic violence organization (you absolutey qualify)..
Can you share why you would be relluctant to do this? After all, they can be a solid support system to you 24/7.
Actually, so many people will not contact them because they feel like it is a negative thing to do so.----when, in fact, it is a positive thing to get as much compassionate, non-judgemental help as you can get, at a ti me like this.

By the way did you study the website that I gave you in my last post? I can help you know what questions to ask an attorney when you do meet him/her.

dandylion

Cambelle...are you o.k.? We mother hens worry about you.....

Camabelle2

Hey ladies mother Hen’s that’s so sweet. I’m fine as can be- my babies and I currently have a nasty stomach bug 🤮🦠so just trying to recover. Sage and Dandelion and everyone Thank you for all the information. I did look at the divorce information for women’s page Definitely need to think about what my questions are I feel like my brain is just so fragile that I can’t even calm myself down and it’s almost impossible when I literally can’t get five minutes away not that I mind because they’re the most precious things to me and I know this time is so precious and they grow up so fast I’m hoping that I can keep the house rather than us having to sell it and split the equity I think keeping the kids in the same environment and trying to keep things you know as stable as possible would be the best thing for them since so many changes are coming. (Then again would they do better with a new place new energy I’m such an over thinker ! I don’t really know I never grew up in a house and this is the first house that I’ve ever lived in so I’m really kind of proud of having it I don’t wanna let it go I’ve done all the My husband is at his mothers 10 min away I told his ass If you **** with me one more time or scream at me in front of my kids I would call his ******* probation officer (excuse my language ) A lightbulb clicked inside of my head to use that card - he just got put on probation last month so his narcissistic ass is scared ******** I know that’s pretty petty of me but **** I’m not gonna let my kids see anything anymore so I’m hoping he will just be staying there indefinitely I know that is wishful thinking. As far as support from a domestic abuse shelter we have one in my area called synergy, I’m just a leery of getting my children put in the system Whatever challenge protective services came in to play and try to take them for me when my sister was 13 she got put on probation and I remember the courts trying to take her from my parents there was somebody sitting in the quart room with shackles waiting to take her and it was just really traumatizing so it’s hard for me to trust. Right now I feel a little bit better with him at his moms but I still need to have a plan I just don’t know what the best decision is order for Tection it’s a lawyer domestic abuse shelter and literally don’t know what to do so I just need to think about it a little bit more with him being gone I feel safer stronger and happier so I’m thinking maybe I don’t need to do the order protection maybe I just need to go with the lawyer? I definitely do think if I did file an order protection it would 100% get approved I do think if I showed up to the court date that maybe I would get to voice my requests for him to seek addiction counseling and for him to have to take parenting classes in order to be around the children I don’t know if you can do that at that type of hearing or if that’s literally just a hearing for me to get the restraining order extended? So I guess I really just need to talk to a lawyer I’m going to look at the website again and see if I can answer of any of those questions. Thank you guys I really feel so much better even though I can’t see you guys just knowing that I’ve actually talk to people out there in the world and people actually give a **** I really do not have a support system at all and I don’t really have any friends left besides my sisters thank God I am so sorry to hear about your experiences that you went through may I ask how things are going now does your ex see your children how old are your children did they adjust well did he ever seek help and quit his addiction issues

sage1969

As a disclaimer, what I'm writing is from my personal experience as a DV survivor with involvement with the legal system, and CPS / social services. You absolutely need to speak with an attorney that is familiar with the laws and how the system works in your jurisdiction. Most DV shelters are not associated with social services or CPS. Although social workers can help facilitate services, you do not need to have an open case to access most shelter and advocate services (unless someone has called to make report regarding your family). You should be aware though that if there's any suspicion of abuse by your husband against your children, mandated reporters like healthcare or daycare providers are required to call, which will open a case. If this were to happen, it is very much in your favor to have a protective order in place, as well as be actively working with an attorney, DV advocate, and therapist; having all these in place proactively now and going forward exhibit your willingness to protect your children and the social worker(s) will be more amenable to working with you to facilitate services. Your custody would only be in question if you were not caring for your children (if you don't follow through with calling police, getting the restraining order, etc, it could be viewed that you are not caring for your children's wellbeing).

Also, it has happened here before at SR that spouses have discovered our identities and read what we've posted. I'd caution you against using your name here, or the names of the DV shelter(s).

Please do not be lulled into a false sense of security. DV perpetrators have a cycle of behavior where they are on their good behavior for a bit (honeymoon phase) then they will escalate into violence. Just because he's behaving now does not mean that he will going forward. Once you indicate you have a problem with his behavior, this increases the risk to you. Women's lives are most at risk once they decide to speak up against the DV, especially when they try to leave. (I was injured the most severely after the police assured me deceased AH was calm and I should let him back in the house. As soon as the front door closed, he got ahold of me).

In most jurisdictions the extension hearing is just that, to allow him his legal rights to present his side of the case and to allow you the opportunity to request an extension of the order. In my jurisdiction this process happens through family court so there was the opportunity for me to request temporary child support. The courts generally prefer that you handle custody, visitation, and division of assets through a divorce case. I would caution you that in some jurisdictions (like mine) the parent that has actual physical charge of the children when the protection order goes into place is where the child stays until the divorce can be started, so I was very careful to keep my children with me at all times.

Ask your attorney: since he already has a probation officer and presumably an arrest record, you might be able to be named the temporary custodial parent and that if he must have supervision, it must be supervised; they might be able to put that in the temporary order.

I actually went through DV with an alcoholic / addict spouse twice (yes, slow learner here). First XAH was really difficult and that child is now an adult and well adjusted though there was a lot of therapy involved. Second AH passed from suicide; I think he was aware that he was facing legal charges and decided he had no way out. My younger children are still working through many issues. So I can say that the sooner you can get the alcoholism and DV out of your house, the easier it will be on your children.

I actually came here to SR because I'd been dating XABF and really struggling with his alcoholism. He was not abusive but the alcoholism raised to the surface my own addiction and codependency issues, on which I've had to really spend a lot time working.

dandylion

Camabelle......the local dv oeganization is NOT a government agency. They operate completely seperate from "the system" that you are referring to. Actually, most people do assume that it is part of the government and are afraid to contact them. That is unfortunate---and I would like to dispell that false assumption---and dispell you fears on that point.
Everything is held under strict confidence. In fact, you do not even have to give your actual name (if you don't choose to! You don't have to name your husband or give any other identifying info about yourself.
In my professional career, in the past, I have had patients who were badly injured by their partners, and I contacted the local dv shelter to help the patient(s). They were able to get the hospital to admit the patients under a false name, in order to keep the partner from finding them.
The local dv organizations (sometimes called "shelters")...operate completely outside of the government.
Please don't let the title scare you. Think of them as knowlegable and compasionate people who exist only to help you. It is such a shame that so many people pass up so much source of help just because they misunderstand and are afraid.

Another point----a court advocate and the dv organization are two seperate things. (I believe what sage is referring to as "dv advocate").
The court advocate is a person who helps give you support and explain things as you jump through whatever court hoops that you are navigating. lol...they sort of hold your hand and give you court proceedings support., when you don't understand or are afraid.
The domestic violence organizations are private sector and have a great variety of resorces to help you deal with this difficult time in your life.

My suggestion----First, call your local dv organization (you don't have to give your actual name) and tell them, briefly, your situation (they will be very understanding and compassionate). Ask them for a referral or the names of an experienced lawyer who works with cases of your type. They will KNOW who the best ones to work with your kind of case are!
You will not have to ever see the dv workers, in person, if you don't want to.

2. After you get the name of the good lawyer....contact that lawyer and present your situation to that lawyer. (take your list of questions that you want to ask with you...lol).
If you feel comfortable working with that lawyer,.....they will be able to direct you how to proceed.

It is sooo essential that you geet a good system of support together ----since you have no friends or family that you can rely on. You need 1. local dv organization workers 2. Good lawyer 3. court advocate 4. personal counselor (the dv workers can get you the counselor) 5. SR Mother (and father) Hens....lol.

You are gong through a very difficult and scary time. I can tell you with the utmost confidence that getting the most help makes it much, much easier.

Camabelle2

Hey all thank you my eyes filled up with tears reading all this. I just want to let you all know the kids and I are doing fine. my husband is still gone. we’re still just recovering from being sick. Just need to feel better so I can start getting the ball rolling definitely not getting sucked back in. Just very Overwhelmed with this stomach virus right now it’s is a bad one we haven’t been able to hold down any liquids. This has been an awful cold and flu season this far it seems lIke when it rains it pours but I’m proud of Myself for handling this alone without him it will make me stronger for it.

trailmix

I'm really sorry you all aren't feeling well right now and hope that passes quickly and you are all feeling better tomorrow!

Triggered

Hi Camabelle, Im guessing that your illness may well be stress related. This is just a small reminder to look after yourself in all of this. there are ways of dealing with stress that I believe you should look into... google 'dealing with stress'... theres lots of helpful information out there. I know it must be incredibly difficult given your situation but if you dont look after yourself, everything slides very quickly. Taking a little time out to even catch a breath is time well spent. I'm always amazed at the level of support available here on SR... you have people here who care about you and your situation here and will give their time to you to help you through. Take care of yourself ... we are here for you

trailmix

Camabelle, just wanted to see how you are doing and hope you will check in and let us know.