VikingGF

Today I am playing a little game called "What's Different This Time?" because I have no intention of playing the "I Drank Again" game. It's 76 days today, and I went back and read about my last significant 70-something day (2014) and I sounded eerily similar to how I feel now. Not comforting. However, I remember feeling so relieved and "cured" at that time, and I know that has no truth to it. I didn't think I had to WORK at this sobriety thing- that I had stopped drinking so I was all better despite not really changing my behaviors. I do remember being lost between the hours of 4-7pm, sometimes just going out and driving so I wasn't home but I don't remember really trying to understand my feelings or deal with the hard thoughts and worse- I don't think I made a plan. Then the dog died. I didn't drink though, I cried a lot, but the work went on hold and I remember there was a lot of "why me?" and "this isn't fair." I still find myself saying those things but now I really stop and think about why I feel that way. This isn't about fairness or whether it should be me who has to work at something. Trying to better my life is not a golden ticket to happiness. So, that's different. Good. That's progress, I say. No longer do I feel that I'm entitled to a smooth trip because of previous actions or pain suffered. The other very different mindset is that I have forgiven myself. I did make poor choices and am very fortunate to be alive and not suffering any (that I know of) long-term effects of my years of drinking, but no longer can I carry the weight of it. I did it. All I can do is say "Sorry, girl, now move on" and go forward. I don't look backwards too much, and I quiet the negative self-talk when it comes. No longer do I speak to myself disrespectfully, and I have given myself a pass for past mistakes. After all, they are what brought me here. On the bad days, I don't dwell too much, I try to make sense of what I'm feeling and if I can't deal with it, I distract myself by coming to SR, or I go do something. I try hard to choose active tasks rather than just TV, but a good binge-watch is certainly acceptable. The most important thing this time is that I have made myself accountable. I have told people in my real life that I no longer drink, and I now welcome open and honest conversation with others, rather than closing myself off IN PERSON. It's easy to be open here. It's hard to do it in person, so I'm glad I've done that. Finally, I have a plan. I have F2F people to call if I need help and my plan is to come here ASAP at any whisper of my AV. I also did say I would go to a meeting by my birthday. That will have to happen soon.

I don't feel secure at all. I remember all too easily how going back happened. I KNOW I'm different this time, but is it enough? I wake up each day and scoff at the thought of drinking, it's laughable to me that I could ever poison myself again. I never, ever want to feel out of control or guilty or so full of remorse that I want to just stop breathing and be done with everything. I have been happy to wake up and go do my work and talk to my friends and drive at night and call my mom at 10:30 PM or FaceTime her and not worry if there is a wine bottle in the frame or if I sound drunk. I am so happy to be free. How could this not be enough?

UNITE4STRENGTH

Good read. We're never cured and confidence is a total liability. Sober is enjoyable particularly around months 2-6 but it's a daily reprieve, forever.

RecklessDrunk

There was a time alcohol worked for me. I was in a pretty bad place before I began drinking alcoholically. For better or worse I made those decisions based on the given information my brain had at the time. Mistakes were made, life isn't fair. We've made mistakes, we've learned, until we took our last drink maybe we hadn't learned as much as we had thought. Even if we never drink again we still haven't learned everything and we still will make mistakes. Its a matter of how we deal with the mistakes, and the good fortune as well.

We learn we move foward. At my age a lot of life has gotten away from me. I got a lot out of your post. Sometimes I think about my age and the things I have missed out on and it makes me absolutely sick. I quickly brush away the good things in my life I should be grateful for sometimes.

I don't want to get caught up in the never drink again. I just don't want to drink today and I really don't care if alcohol just dried up and went away and nobody ever made it or wanted to drink it again. Right now I just want to do the next right thing. The rest of my life is the situation I have right now. I can't change how I got here. I want to make the best I can of every next day.

DriGuy

I read your entire post, but this last paragraph seems most important to me.

I believe feeling secure is the biggest two edged sword in recovery. It causes many a relapse, verified by alcoholics over and over again in this forum who feel like they are secure enough to drink responsibility.

THEREFORE, feeling secure is of lesser importance than abstinence. Feeling anything is a fickle emotion, while abstinence is a choice. Recovery is all about choice. It is that choice, not the feeling, that keeps you sober.

It depends, and even then it's an unknown. But I believe asking that question is valid, and I believe you are on the right path. You can still step off the path and get lost, but you must not lose the path. It requires vigilance, commitment, and as always, Making the Choice Not to Drink. That choice is your number one concern. And you always, ALWAYS, have the power to choose.

Always choosing not to drink is enough. Those things you do in this last part are all good things, but not drinking is the correct choice. Make that choice, and the good things you just observed will always continue to be there, plus a lot more.

Do I hear a "Yeah. But?" Don't give me a "Yeah, but." You know what you have to do.

DriGuy

That last line was a bit harsh. I'm always willing to continue to discuss, because it's possible I missed something. What I can say with confidence was that for me, learning to accept the no drink choice was enough. Although, that did require some planning for dangerous situations.

biminiblue

I feel like I have to continue to remember that beating I took from alcohol. It won. I lost. The End.


Seriously, I quit drinking for 18 years. I just quit one day in my early thirties. I didn't give it a whole lot of thought and I certainly didn't feel anything momentous about quitting. It was just time.

Unfortunately, since I gave it little thought I also gave it little thought on a day the planets and life circumstances aligned and I picked up a drink at Happy Hour. I had been a waitress at a popular bar for years and had seen many Happy Hours, so that wasn't it....it was just a thoughtless moment. I actually drank moderately after that for quite a while so again - pretty non-thoughtful about the whole thing.

I drank moderately until I didn't.

By the time I quit again seven years had passed and "moderation" was but a memory. As they say in AA, "If you want to go back out, all your misery will be refunded."

True that.

So now, it was An Event Worth Remembering when I quit in March 2014. I will not in this lifetime forget the entire story that preceded that day.

VikingGF

That last line made me smile because I had no “Yeah, but…”

You are so right. The first thing is don’t drink.

Thanks for your words, DriGuy- I always read your smart posts carefully and learn a lot from you.

VikingGF

All this! This time feels different because I will not let myself forget. I don’t want it to all go away, I need those memories and thoughts to stay so I keep feeling this strength and gratitude. I also no longer use the word forever, to me it sounds almost flippant as there are no guarantees. But I CAN say I won’t drink today.

Thanks, biminiblue.

Free2bme888

Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful post Viking !

Thank you do very much, what a great OP and message, and of course the additional responses from our SR elders are great too.

❤️

Hodd

Oops, that quote didn’t work. It was Viking’s comment about feeling secure

I reckon every ex-drinker has a breaking point. After 2 1/2 years, I reckon if I spent a week with a load of guys somewhere great with the finest wine served free of charge, I’d definitely break. I obviously wouldn’t go to such an imaginary place, but the point is I’m not bulletproof, and I don’t believe anyone is. I wrote a few weeks ago about being in a pub with colleagues I don’t really know and feeling surprisingly on edge about being served an alcoholic drink in error. Whilst most of the time, we’ll be fine, I don’t think we’ll ever be 100% secure. Saying that, is it a bad thing? I’m not scared like a roller coaster ride scared, but I’m justifiably nervous of relapsing. I’d imagine brushing a relapse aside and resuming sobriety, but we’re alcoholics. Our brains will convince us we might as well enjoy a few weeks of drinking. It’s not a mental illness, but it is an illness, and we need to always remember that.

Free2bme888

Def an addiction for sure, like being addicted to nicotine. And Lays potato chips. And alcohol. Can’t just have one.

What’s the point?