The damage doesn't end when the hangover does
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,888
The damage doesn't end when the hangover does
This is gonna make me look like a real dumb, but I am just now, coming to understand that those hangovers from hell, for decades, were just the tip of the damage iceberg.
In the past, I had hangovers that should have terrified me straight. But they didnt. Because in my jaded perception, once the violent illness ended, so did the systemic damage that they accompanied.
I truly never realized that those blackouts and hangovers were just the beginning of the destruction placed on the body when it is poisoned over and over again.
As I move through sober days, I am realizing that every single bodily function is somehow affected, both long and short term, with every binge.
How did I not recognize this ? How was I made to believe that I could just spend a few days sober, and I would be reset to zero point ?
I really feel disgusted.
In the past, I had hangovers that should have terrified me straight. But they didnt. Because in my jaded perception, once the violent illness ended, so did the systemic damage that they accompanied.
I truly never realized that those blackouts and hangovers were just the beginning of the destruction placed on the body when it is poisoned over and over again.
As I move through sober days, I am realizing that every single bodily function is somehow affected, both long and short term, with every binge.
How did I not recognize this ? How was I made to believe that I could just spend a few days sober, and I would be reset to zero point ?
I really feel disgusted.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by alphaomega 
This is gonna make me look like a real human...
I had a similar palm-to-the-forehead moment several years ago.
It is an insidious addiction, isn't it?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,633
I was the same, alpha - and it went on for decades. To admit the truth would have ruined my 'fun'.
My foolish attitude led me to 24/7 drinking - where there were no more hangovers! It was always in my system.
Great post - and correction by Nons.
My foolish attitude led me to 24/7 drinking - where there were no more hangovers! It was always in my system.
Great post - and correction by Nons.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Kansas City, MO
Posts: 1,121
I feel you AO. All of us should be aware of the damage that we are doing to our minds and bodies. Yet we do it anyway, thinking that the bill will never come due. This last stoppage for me was worse than in the past, and a clear sign that this has to be the last last time.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,589
AO, I think it's the level of denial that alcoholism causes. When I look back at how I behaved and what I believed, I'm shocked. I believed that if I didn't drink for one day in between several days of drinking, that I was sober that day. I wasn't.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2020
Location: Texas
Posts: 110
Spot on alphaomega - you're describing exactly where I am right now.
I am coming up on six months and had long imagined that a few months of sobriety would surely be enough to overcome the worst of the physical and mental damage I inflicted on myself. I would be healthy again and the haunting specter of my drinking days nothing more than a rapidly fading splotch in the rear view mirror of my life. Alas, that has not been the case.
Feelings of disgust over who I have been and the harm I've caused tend to hit me in waves. On my worst days I absolutely crumple in the face of how idiotic I've been over the last few decades. What on earth possibly possessed me to think that regular, ongoing binge sessions wouldn't result in long term damage? That I wouldn't at some point have to pay the piper in dramatic fashion?
It's as if I was dealt a hand of cards upon entering this life that, though not a royal flush, wasn't half bad. But with drinking, I threw those cards away and my new hand contains nothing but mismatched, low ranked cards. And that's now the hand I have to play with.
My strategy at this point is threefold. First, I need to make peace with the hand I have right now and play it to the best of my ability. That involves resetting expectations and cultivating self-love and forgiveness more than anything else. I am broken, I am damaged — absolutely — but there are tools and resources to assist in learning to live with the damage.
Second, I expect that with continued sobriety my body and mind will heal, albeit slowly. In the months and years to come this means I will on occasion be able to swap out one of my crap cards for a better one. Over time my hand will be more to my liking.
Third, and most importantly, I must remain vigilant and never let my guard down. I now know what I didn't thirty years ago and I am painfully aware that any amount of drinking from here on out will amount to throwing away the cards I still hold and be left in the game of life with no real way to play.
I am coming up on six months and had long imagined that a few months of sobriety would surely be enough to overcome the worst of the physical and mental damage I inflicted on myself. I would be healthy again and the haunting specter of my drinking days nothing more than a rapidly fading splotch in the rear view mirror of my life. Alas, that has not been the case.
Feelings of disgust over who I have been and the harm I've caused tend to hit me in waves. On my worst days I absolutely crumple in the face of how idiotic I've been over the last few decades. What on earth possibly possessed me to think that regular, ongoing binge sessions wouldn't result in long term damage? That I wouldn't at some point have to pay the piper in dramatic fashion?
It's as if I was dealt a hand of cards upon entering this life that, though not a royal flush, wasn't half bad. But with drinking, I threw those cards away and my new hand contains nothing but mismatched, low ranked cards. And that's now the hand I have to play with.
My strategy at this point is threefold. First, I need to make peace with the hand I have right now and play it to the best of my ability. That involves resetting expectations and cultivating self-love and forgiveness more than anything else. I am broken, I am damaged — absolutely — but there are tools and resources to assist in learning to live with the damage.
Second, I expect that with continued sobriety my body and mind will heal, albeit slowly. In the months and years to come this means I will on occasion be able to swap out one of my crap cards for a better one. Over time my hand will be more to my liking.
Third, and most importantly, I must remain vigilant and never let my guard down. I now know what I didn't thirty years ago and I am painfully aware that any amount of drinking from here on out will amount to throwing away the cards I still hold and be left in the game of life with no real way to play.
Member
Join Date: May 2021
Location: England
Posts: 1,850
AO - I liked Nonsensicals' correction too - we are HUMAN - frail things who make mistakes but also intelligent, able to reflect, have compassion, resilience and an ability to learn and heal. I think you are an inspiration and I am willing you to carry on with this remarkable and difficult journey.
Adair your playing card analogy was spot on for me - I am very grateful for the cards I have, a poor hand, but at least I have some and know why I have them, I screwed up big time a while back and then continued with my ridiculous belief that I could have my cake and eat it - or drink my wine and have a real life - it's only now I look at it all the decades of delusion and I look at those cards and wonder what game I can play now - I don't know yet. I agree AO with 'disgusted' - I am too, with me, the old me. I am so early in my recovery that I don't yet feel I can fully know myself. Hang on in there - it's going to get rough but survive we must.
Adair your playing card analogy was spot on for me - I am very grateful for the cards I have, a poor hand, but at least I have some and know why I have them, I screwed up big time a while back and then continued with my ridiculous belief that I could have my cake and eat it - or drink my wine and have a real life - it's only now I look at it all the decades of delusion and I look at those cards and wonder what game I can play now - I don't know yet. I agree AO with 'disgusted' - I am too, with me, the old me. I am so early in my recovery that I don't yet feel I can fully know myself. Hang on in there - it's going to get rough but survive we must.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 31
Originally Posted by Hevyn
I was the same, alpha - and it went on for decades. To admit the truth would have ruined my 'fun'.
My foolish attitude led me to 24/7 drinking - where there were no more hangovers! It was always in my system.
Great post - and correction by Nons.
My foolish attitude led me to 24/7 drinking - where there were no more hangovers! It was always in my system.
Great post - and correction by Nons.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: K.C.MO
Posts: 425
Originally Posted by adair
Spot on alphaomega - you're describing exactly where I am right now.
I am coming up on six months and had long imagined that a few months of sobriety would surely be enough to overcome the worst of the physical and mental damage I inflicted on myself. I would be healthy again and the haunting specter of my drinking days nothing more than a rapidly fading splotch in the rear view mirror of my life. Alas, that has not been the case.
Feelings of disgust over who I have been and the harm I've caused tend to hit me in waves. On my worst days I absolutely crumple in the face of how idiotic I've been over the last few decades. What on earth possibly possessed me to think that regular, ongoing binge sessions wouldn't result in long term damage? That I wouldn't at some point have to pay the piper in dramatic fashion?
It's as if I was dealt a hand of cards upon entering this life that, though not a royal flush, wasn't half bad. But with drinking, I threw those cards away and my new hand contains nothing but mismatched, low ranked cards. And that's now the hand I have to play with.
My strategy at this point is threefold. First, I need to make peace with the hand I have right now and play it to the best of my ability. That involves resetting expectations and cultivating self-love and forgiveness more than anything else. I am broken, I am damaged — absolutely — but there are tools and resources to assist in learning to live with the damage.
Second, I expect that with continued sobriety my body and mind will heal, albeit slowly. In the months and years to come this means I will on occasion be able to swap out one of my crap cards for a better one. Over time my hand will be more to my liking.
Third, and most importantly, I must remain vigilant and never let my guard down. I now know what I didn't thirty years ago and I am painfully aware that any amount of drinking from here on out will amount to throwing away the cards I still hold and be left in the game of life with no real way to play.
I am coming up on six months and had long imagined that a few months of sobriety would surely be enough to overcome the worst of the physical and mental damage I inflicted on myself. I would be healthy again and the haunting specter of my drinking days nothing more than a rapidly fading splotch in the rear view mirror of my life. Alas, that has not been the case.
Feelings of disgust over who I have been and the harm I've caused tend to hit me in waves. On my worst days I absolutely crumple in the face of how idiotic I've been over the last few decades. What on earth possibly possessed me to think that regular, ongoing binge sessions wouldn't result in long term damage? That I wouldn't at some point have to pay the piper in dramatic fashion?
It's as if I was dealt a hand of cards upon entering this life that, though not a royal flush, wasn't half bad. But with drinking, I threw those cards away and my new hand contains nothing but mismatched, low ranked cards. And that's now the hand I have to play with.
My strategy at this point is threefold. First, I need to make peace with the hand I have right now and play it to the best of my ability. That involves resetting expectations and cultivating self-love and forgiveness more than anything else. I am broken, I am damaged — absolutely — but there are tools and resources to assist in learning to live with the damage.
Second, I expect that with continued sobriety my body and mind will heal, albeit slowly. In the months and years to come this means I will on occasion be able to swap out one of my crap cards for a better one. Over time my hand will be more to my liking.
Third, and most importantly, I must remain vigilant and never let my guard down. I now know what I didn't thirty years ago and I am painfully aware that any amount of drinking from here on out will amount to throwing away the cards I still hold and be left in the game of life with no real way to play.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
I didn't get it until I started healing. I would go through a rough patch with the PAWS and after it was over I'd get something back that had been taken from me. It added up to quite a bit. I had this dream I was in a dark empty house and there were outlines of where the furniture had been.
The ultimate goal is to get "you" back bit by bit.
The ultimate goal is to get "you" back bit by bit.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,888
Consistently I am reading stories on the Alcohol Explained FB website, of people who have quit and then months (or years) later, find out their livers are cirrhotic, or their esophagus has varices.
It's absolutely shockingly sobering to realize than the body absolutely keeps the score.
I feel like I dodged a bullet, but really, for how long ?
It's absolutely shockingly sobering to realize than the body absolutely keeps the score.
I feel like I dodged a bullet, but really, for how long ?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2021
Location: London
Posts: 333
FYI examples of the level of drinking that could leave to permanent damage that is being referred to in this thread. Wonderful documentary made in 2019 about alcohol dependent homeless people being lucky enough to fins a wethouse. They won't be binging then recovering for a couple of days that's for sure. Not every drinker ends up like this of course, still a great watch with some heart warming moments :
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MF5wNsfKo84
Please don't use it as a i'm not that bad yet as most that get to the stage in this film won't make it back.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MF5wNsfKo84
Please don't use it as a i'm not that bad yet as most that get to the stage in this film won't make it back.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,590
I feel like I dodged a bullet, but really, for how long ?
Part of that I think it was because I thought I deserved to drop dead any minute.
I’d treated my body and mind terribly, for a long time. I feared the worst and yet I was drawn to alcoholic horror stories.
I tortured myself with scenarios of what might happen based on the stupid way I used to live.
Spoiler alert - I didn’t drop dead - and in time I moved past that fear
None of us knows what the future holds or what might happen to us.
I may end up paying the piper in some way, I may not.
I’m partway through a movie where a group of centenarians was asked why they thought they lived so long.
One woman said she never ate vegetables…
My grandfather was a life long heavy drinker and smoked for 50 years…selfish cruel and basically dishonourable guy…loads of bad karma…died at 96.
No one knows what will happen - not for sure.
But I’ve had (nearly) 15 wonderful years of recovery.
Not always great years, but always wonderful.
I want more, a lot more…so I try and ‘live right’ now.
I realised eventually I can’t live always looking back at what might come back to bite me on the butt…that’s out of my control
all I can do is look after myself now, enjoy the hell out of life…and maybe stop reading the horror stories so much
Carpe diem, AO
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,465
So I crawl back here, tail between my legs and your post is the first one I read, Alpha. I was discharged from the hospital today after being replenished with fluids, minerals and vitamins that I have been leaching out of my body with copious, daily amounts of wine. Yup. I went down the rabbit hole, and my withdrawal needed medical attention. I'm proud that I listened this time, (I have stopped 3 times this year already, got to the better part and went back to the bottle) because I was actually afraid of what was happening to me and from my labs and cardiac behavior, it's good that I went. I left with an armful of resources, phone numbers and names because this time I was HONEST with my medical practitioners. I've been down this road too many times now, and today I learned I won't live much longer this way. Day 2. We are all here for each other, and I remember when you were here for me the very first time I came here, Alpha, so many years ago.... We can make good things happen because we deserve them.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,888
Originally Posted by VikingGF
So I crawl back here, tail between my legs and your post is the first one I read, Alpha. I was discharged from the hospital today after being replenished with fluids, minerals and vitamins that I have been leaching out of my body with copious, daily amounts of wine. Yup. I went down the rabbit hole, and my withdrawal needed medical attention. I'm proud that I listened this time, (I have stopped 3 times this year already, got to the better part and went back to the bottle) because I was actually afraid of what was happening to me and from my labs and cardiac behavior, it's good that I went. I left with an armful of resources, phone numbers and names because this time I was HONEST with my medical practitioners. I've been down this road too many times now, and today I learned I won't live much longer this way. Day 2. We are all here for each other, and I remember when you were here for me the very first time I came here, Alpha, so many years ago.... We can make good things happen because we deserve them.
We do deserve good things. You are so right. And we both know, absolutely nothing is good at the bottom of those endless wine bottles. We have been lied to, manipulated, and sold a bill of poison. We hold all the cards now.
Read everything you can get your hands on - my current favs are Quit Like a Woman, and Alcohol Explained. Total game changers for me.
So glad to see you my friend.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 467
When I'm drinking I rarely think about my health or even notice most of the aches and pains even with a crippling all consuming hangover.
Hungover is a state I feel bizarrely comfortable with- I know what was wrong with me.
Sobriety brings new health anxiety - I'm aware of aches and twinges etc .. that I almost always think is an internal organ crying from the abuse I put my body through over the years.
I do my best to stay away from Dr Google 🤣
I'm only 3 weeks into sobriety ( this time ) so I know it will take time.
Hungover is a state I feel bizarrely comfortable with- I know what was wrong with me.
Sobriety brings new health anxiety - I'm aware of aches and twinges etc .. that I almost always think is an internal organ crying from the abuse I put my body through over the years.
I do my best to stay away from Dr Google 🤣
I'm only 3 weeks into sobriety ( this time ) so I know it will take time.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,888
Originally Posted by overforty
When I'm drinking I rarely think about my health or even notice most of the aches and pains even with a crippling all consuming hangover.
Hungover is a state I feel bizarrely comfortable with- I know what was wrong with me.
Sobriety brings new health anxiety - I'm aware of aches and twinges etc .. that I almost always think is an internal organ crying from the abuse I put my body through over the years.
I do my best to stay away from Dr Google 🤣
I'm only 3 weeks into sobriety ( this time ) so I know it will take time.
Hungover is a state I feel bizarrely comfortable with- I know what was wrong with me.
Sobriety brings new health anxiety - I'm aware of aches and twinges etc .. that I almost always think is an internal organ crying from the abuse I put my body through over the years.
I do my best to stay away from Dr Google 🤣
I'm only 3 weeks into sobriety ( this time ) so I know it will take time.
I do have a bit of the hypochondria. As I would imagine most humans do right ? I mean, none of us are getting out alive.
And there is a ton of comfort when I am experiencing a heightened state of bodily awareness, that I can default back to "Oh yeah, I'm hungover, thats why I feel _____"
Sobriety, I am finding, brings it own level of hypochondria in that now I dont have anything to "blame". Or do I ?
Or is it Covid ?
Or am I dying ?
One of my doctors suggested genetic testing and I did it. And the results were honestly the best one could hope for (minus that nasty ass booze addiction I inherited).
My internist was going through my chart at my most recent physical and said "Wow, huh. You got all the genetic testing huh ? Why ? Did you really even want to know? Because I wouldnt want to to live my life knowing".
I was like - ummmmmm you are a freaking DOCTOR. Isnt it better to be preemptive than blind ?
Apparently in her eyes, nope. No it isnt. It's a reason to be even more freaked out about dying every minute of every day.
You are right Dee. My NPDM was a horrifying human, as nasty as the day is long, and she made it to just shy of 88 with just about every type of health malady in the books.
Like Auntie Mame says as shes descending the spiral staircase in her fez and sari while pontificating about traveling to India and going on Safari
"Life is a banquet !! And most poor suckers are stahhhhhhving to death !!!!!
Let go carpe the hell out of this diem my friends...
XO AO
Member
Join Date: May 2021
Location: England
Posts: 1,850
YEP ! None if us are getting our alive AO - but we are alive at the moment - and still despite giving up the booze and cutting back on coffee, (gave up cigarettes 15 years ago) - now taking medication for some minor condition I did not know I had - I STILL don't feel great - I am also thinking what is it - should I be tested for a brain tumour, cancer, a myriad of other stuff?
A hangover was easier to deal with - for me a couple of ibuprofen, lots of water, some coffee and carbs and I was ready to do it all over again later that evening. Except wait - despite feeling rubbish - and tired and often grumpy - NOW I do not wake up at 4am with a pounding heart , ashamed, guilty and anxious. I mean at some point, and I know this because I keep reading posts from people who are years sober , not just weeks like me, I will feel better than this. I keep telling myself.
I don't know what your genetic testing told you AO? You are braver than me. My maternal grandmother didn't smoke or drink and she lived till 97. My paternal grandmother smoked and drank and died at 56 - Both my grandfathers were teetotal and died before they were 50. - odds not looking good either way - but I can live with that! AO I hope you are doing ok. Another week is about to begin!
A hangover was easier to deal with - for me a couple of ibuprofen, lots of water, some coffee and carbs and I was ready to do it all over again later that evening. Except wait - despite feeling rubbish - and tired and often grumpy - NOW I do not wake up at 4am with a pounding heart , ashamed, guilty and anxious. I mean at some point, and I know this because I keep reading posts from people who are years sober , not just weeks like me, I will feel better than this. I keep telling myself.
I don't know what your genetic testing told you AO? You are braver than me. My maternal grandmother didn't smoke or drink and she lived till 97. My paternal grandmother smoked and drank and died at 56 - Both my grandfathers were teetotal and died before they were 50. - odds not looking good either way - but I can live with that! AO I hope you are doing ok. Another week is about to begin!
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